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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

312 replies

DuckyMcDuck · 05/05/2020 22:05

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 06/05/2020 12:12

EmeraldShamrock, all to yourself. The fact that you would get one should tell you that your compass is a bit 'wonky' also
I don't have a criminal record, I've never physically hit anyone. My compass is probably a bit wonky as grown up around here you did get slapped if you crossed someone.

Some people think they can hit out, for any reason, and I'd press charges on the thugs Again I've never physically hurt anyone, I am not a thug if two people I loved betrayed hurt me there is a first for everything.
I might rethink the slaps after the thread maybe rip up all his clothes instead?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/05/2020 12:16

EmeraldShamrock, That's the spirit! Maybe (simpler for you), just 'lose' one of several pairs of shoes?

EmeraldShamrock · 06/05/2020 12:18

Thank you. Smile

okiedokieme · 06/05/2020 12:20

Depends on the situation, if I believed he had split then found out he hadn't springs to mind. Both my dp and myself are technically married to other people because we are both doing the amicable wait 2 years and file online cheaply divorce thing, then lockdown happened which means no point in filing yet as backlog is months long. Both our ex spouses are fully aware of our relationship. Lives are complicated, there's no blanket rule

WillowSummerSloth · 06/05/2020 12:22

I had a friend that used to do this when we were in our early 20s. For her, I'm sure she had low self esteem as her father was awful and so she generally hated men. She liked the idea of being better than the wife. I think she fell for the whole 'my wife is boring, I shouldn't have married her' line that these men give. As her friend and a naive 20 year old I agreed that these poor men were stuck in terrible relationships with their wives. Thank goodness I never did the same. So maybe for some people it's naivety and low self esteem. That doesn't really wash though in a 30 something year old...

Olliephaunt4eyes · 06/05/2020 12:35

I think MN is a weird place when it comes to people being very moralistic about affairs. Occasionally you meet people who are that mad in real life. My ex tried to kill me - he hit me in the head with a hammer and left me with neurological damage. I have one 'friend' tell me that infidelity was the worst thing that anyone could do in a relationship. When I mentioned domestic violence she insisted that no, cheating was worse because 'it just makes you doubt yourself'.

Suffice it to say she isn't a friend anymore!

yellow378 · 06/05/2020 12:42

I've been the OW and I'm not promoting it at all but you can't honestly help who you fall in love with. I was going down a very dark path of alcohol and drugs thanks to my ex. I was friends with MM for a few years and he saw me going down this slope and thankfully helped me away from the drinking and drugs. We became very close friends as he was the only one who was there for me when everyone else left me and eventually both of us started to catch feelings. I know it's not an excuse but It's not like I intentionally went out to find him. He showed me affection, love, support and I gave it back to him. He wasn't happy in his marriage at all so I guess having the affair was a way out. We now have a baby together and are very happy.

Jojobar · 06/05/2020 12:42

I've seen it from both sides.

I became involved with someone who was married with kids. I was also in a relationship at the time. We were both bloody unhappy at the time in our respective relationships but feeling stuck/ like there was no escape and it seemed helpful to talk to someone else in the same situation. On a night out I got very drunk and kissed him (unplanned). It went from there.

It gave me the impetus to leave my partner (which was something I'd been trying to find a way to do for years). Shortly after I moved into my own place, he also left his wife, but went back to her a couple of weeks later as he missed his children. We stopped seeing each other at that point, because it was clear to me the future I wanted - and which I thought he wanted - wasn't there.

More recently, my Ex started seeing someone (while we were together). He made it clear to her he wanted to stay with me, and she was just sex. However she refused to accept this, despite admitting to me this was what he'd told her -she thought she would change his mind!. We split up for unrelated reasons; she then contacted me to tell me all the gory details, because she wanted me to know the truth (subtext - she didn't want me to take him back). She was really quite spiteful and nasty to me (she wasn't exactly nice about him either but I bore the brunt) and continued once we got back together; in the end I had to threaten her with the police because she was saying she was going to come to my workplace. Prior to this she'd been making up fake accounts to message me on social media, or different email addresses.

I'm sure some people will say what she did was no worse than me; I'd disagree. I never contacted his wife, would never do so. Whereas I had this fruitloop emailing me detailing what sex positions they did, about threesomes they'd had and all other kinds of shit.

When I was the OW, I didn't care enough about his wife's feeling clearly. But although some would disagree, I know I never set out deliberately or maliciously to hurt her. He told me their relationship was dead and buried; as someone at that time in a similar relationship I had no reason not to believe him. Honestly - if I'd thought we would never have ended up together, if I thought I was just a diversion...I would never have let anything more happen after that kiss.

Do I regret it? Yes and no. I regret any hurt I caused his wife or kids. But if it hadn't happened I might have been stuck in my awful relationship a lot longer, I don't regret that it allowed me to see a way out I wouldn't otherwise have had.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 06/05/2020 12:44

I personally wouldn’t but imo most of the blame lies with the married man

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/05/2020 12:45

I don't understand either op but then sadly I think it reflects how some people behave in general. There are some people in society who just do selfish things. They don't care how their behaviour impacts on anyone else just as long as they are getting or doing what they want. I see this as just another example of that attitude.

DressingGownofDoom · 06/05/2020 12:48

No, it's a bit sleazy. I don't fancy sleazy men.

Megatron · 06/05/2020 12:51

because there's some bizarre, underlying misconception than men are sexually incontinent while women don't have the same overpowering feelings, desires, and straight-up enjoyment of sex as they do.

I haven't seen that suggested on here @MarieIVanArkleStinks, but I may have missed some posts?

God forbid anyone places the blame where it actually belongs: with the men responsible.

Don't you think that women/men who have affairs with a married person also share some responsibility? Do you think that women (as your post relates more to women) who have affairs with married men are blameless? I absolutely agree that the bulk of the blame lies with the married partner, I think most people probably agree with that, but I cannot agree that the party who conducts an affair knowing that the person is married, often with children, bears no blame or responsibility. My question is regarding affairs with married men/women, not assault/rape, that is a completely different issue IMO.

@EmeraldShamrock No I don't think so. I'd like to share some pain with them. Fair enough. Grin

Boireannachlaidir · 06/05/2020 12:57

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

Why aren't you "genuinely interested" in why (in your words) a man who is already married and a father would do that?

Why is your focus and thread all about the other woman?

If your friend happened to be a married women with children who cheated would you be as "genuinely interested" in how the other man could do such a thing? Or would your focus still be on the woman's actions?

bigchris · 06/05/2020 12:58

Someone always mentions blow jobs on these threads, like just because you get married you no longer bother giving them

Maybe some mistresses don't either Grin

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/05/2020 13:06

My view is that if you do something that hurts another human being then you should be responsible and accountable.

The two people involved in an affair have to blame for different reasons. The married partner is responsible for their part and for their infidelity but the affair partner is responsible for the part that they played.

Hoggleludo · 06/05/2020 13:10

Problem is

Many many men don't even tell the OW that they are married. Friend of mine met this great man. Worked away a lot. She didn't suspect a thing

Turns out he had a wife and 2 children. She was with him for 10 years! She didn't have w clue

The wife came at her. When she tried to explain she didn't know. She obviously didn't believe her. But trust me. I met him and I didn't have a clue either. Many men work away on oil rigs etc. Means being away for months.

It can happen

Hoggleludo · 06/05/2020 13:12

The man who is married is in the wrong

He's the one in the relationship

Unless the Ke is also married. She's single and able to date who she also thinks is single. Maybe the OW of your friends husband didn't know?

Boredofbeingathome · 06/05/2020 13:49

I've thought about this a lot the last few days (was quite involved in another thread where OW were trying to get their stories across and being constantly abused)
I've been the other woman AND I've been cheated on.
I was first cheated on in my teens. I've had 3 major relationships and 2 of them cheated.
I was 100% faithful.
After a few more life events, I came to the conclusion that no one owes anyone anything. There is no "Girl code" (That made me actually laugh out loud, you seriously believe that bullshit?) And everyone has their own interests at heart.
I no longer burden myself with other people's feelings apart from one or two I'm very close to. If they ever did anything to hurt me I wouldn't be shocked either.

I'm pretty hedonistic these days and have no issue with what other people choose to do.
I'm not currently an OW but I wouldn't rule it out in the future if my current relationship doesn't work out.

And those sympathising with the wife that got an assault charge? Take a long hard look at yourselves.
Infidelity excuses assault?
Only on mumsnet 🤣

GoddessOfGettingThereInTheEnd · 06/05/2020 13:52

@boredofbeingathome sounds like you would have really interesting perspectives. Ill look out for the thread and try and skim over all the "you're scum" posts which are always inevitable.

Boredofbeingathome · 06/05/2020 14:01

I came across a bit Goady on that thread, if I'm attacked I bite back Grin
It's a bit of a "no debate" subject to a few hardcore posters

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/05/2020 14:07

Boredofbeingathome, thought-provoking post. I've always been an OW and been cheated on. I'd never be an OW again.

These threads could actually be quite useful, cathartic for all parties and certainly informative. OW could perhaps give perspective and 'truths' that most cheating husband never would.

The name-calling makes that very difficult and renders the thread pointless. I don't go on 'drinking' threads, grew up with an alcoholic in the family and we all suffered because of him. I wouldn't have anything to contribute to somebody having a 'wine o'clock party' that's got just a 'giggly bit out of hand' because they're not harmless, so I don't go on there.

I'm not equating somebody drinking to excess with having an affair, it's not the same thing but, neither activity is harmless, there are casualties - and there is choice at the start. My point though is that I wouldn't put my feelings and mental health in harm's way by reading and contributing to a thread that would damage those. That way lies trouble and pain.

Posters can read and post on whatever threads they want to, of course they can, but with that choice comes responsibility and you can't whine about the clearly indicated topic of a thread because the content's upsetting you.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/05/2020 14:11

No one owes anyone anything? Really? That's a shitty attitude.

As decent human beings we owe it to others to do them no harm.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/05/2020 14:16

Hearhooves, Oh please... we do 'harm' to other human beings all the time as we make choices for ourselves and people we love, at the cost to other people.

You can say you don't if you want to but human beings are selfish. Even doctors... and they've signed the Hippocratic Oath.

LaurieMarlow · 06/05/2020 14:17

No one owes anyone anything? Really?

I don’t agree with this.

However, what we owe to strangers we’ve never met is of a totally different magnitude to what we owe to people we made lasting commitments to.

I find it mind blowing that they’re judged to be in an even vaguely similar ballpark.

maudspellbody · 06/05/2020 14:19

*Noconceptofnormal
*

I think there's a practical element to a certain extent, when you get to a certain age, late 30s - 40s the 'best' guys are already married / in LTR, there's usually a good reason if someone is single.

That is a little harsh, I think. I'm 41 and single. The reason is that my ex cheated on me and left me for OW. Does this mean there's something wrong with me and I'm less of value than someone who has managed to stay in a, possibly, unhappy marriage?

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