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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated to receive a card from MIL

120 replies

MilkMonitor · 17/09/2007 16:56

signed love from Mummy and Daddy when it's addressed to me, my sons and my DH? I find it presumptious especially when she refers to my DC as her babies?

OP posts:
Original poster
MilkMonitor · 18/09/2007 19:06

Does anyone else have this sort of thing going on? Is it just me? Or is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:
yetihed · 18/09/2007 19:17

I'm with you milk monitor, and have similar (and yet completely different) problems with my dad seeing the arrival of his first grandchild as an opportunity to revisit his fathering days which was a time when he was extremely happy.

It's especially difficult when you're the only who'll ever say no!

She could have signed it mum/ gran/name which is what my mum always writes to us.

But as for a solution... not sure there is one. Bear in mind, I guess, it IS because she's sad and lonely and she needs to put you down to make herself feel good about herself. Not because there's anything wrong with you.

HTH

MaryBleedinPoppins · 18/09/2007 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 18/09/2007 19:26

Thanks Yetihed. I do try to remember that she is bored, that she had a nervous breakdown when DH left to go to uni because she had nothing left to do. But when she tells me I'm lucky my baby DS doesn't have hollow cheeks because my milk isn't good enough, I kind of get upset. But I didn't really want to go into that. It'll spoil my evening.. . . .

OP posts:
MaryBleedinPoppins · 18/09/2007 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 18/09/2007 19:27

I know why she signs them that way as I've already said. I don't need to ask her!

She signs the cards from Mummy and Daddy because she would like to be their mummy. DH said he hasn't called her 'mummy' since he was nine. She's already told me she's their second mummy.

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MaryBleedinPoppins · 18/09/2007 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wisteria · 18/09/2007 19:54

Milkmonitor - Can see why you are so irritated now!

She sounds bored, with no interests of her own. Can you suggest she does some voluntary work? Let her go and interfere in someone else's life . On the other hand could she go to counselling to talk about her separation anxiety over your dh?

It must be really bloody annoying but be honest, it's not the card that pisses you off, it's everything else, the card is the catalyst as it's a constant reminder!!

Could you write her a letter and get it all out in the open?

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 18/09/2007 20:21

But there's no point in having a conversation with her about it because I already understand her. I know what she's about and what she wants. There's no conversation to be had. She won't respect my boundaries without resentment and bad feeling because she doesn't see why there should be any boundaries. My children are hers to do with what she wants and when she wants. She shouldn't need an appointment, as she puts it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MilkMonitor · 18/09/2007 20:23

And DH has suggested voluntary work etc but she won't do it because she doesn't need to work because her DH is well off. She doesn't want to work. It doesn't get to me down so much because I look at my lovely boys and see that they're healthy and strong. Apart from when I get a card like this one.

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Jennifer8 · 18/09/2007 20:23

Oh My God. How hideous she sounds. WTF about the milk! I can't believe someone could be so mean - actually, yes, I can believe it. And it is wrong that she treats you like this. She obviously has HUGEEE issues herself and is transferring it all onto you - eg perhaps her own mother was hyper critical of her, and she is now turning that round and being the bitch instead of the victim.
So sorry you are having to put up with this, be strong, you don't deserve it...sorry no advice but I hope someone else has some.

LemonTart · 18/09/2007 20:27

LOL - on my DH?s first ever Father?s Day as a father himself, I carefully chose a little gift (framed photo I think) and wrote a card on behalf of our baby DD1.. only to get a huge card through the post to DH with "love from X" (DDs name) done in childish pretend writing!! AAAAARGH. Of course, he opened that one first wondering what had arrived in the post and my card from DD1 seemed pointless. I was in a strop about it all day So your card seems positively normal to me
MILs can be weird and do weird stuff - must be weird being a MIL and grandparent I guess.

Jennifer8 · 19/09/2007 06:26

lol, Lemontart my mum did the same this year on my dad's birthday. Bought and gave him a card from my ds, and even though she knew I had already got one, she rushed hers in first.
Wanted to strangle her. Now I have the baby as well she want's the older one to be 'hers'.

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 19/09/2007 09:28

But they are her babies too.

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yetihed · 19/09/2007 10:14

Oh my God! Can't believe she also talks about not needing an appointment... that's exactly what my dad does! Good, at least, to know you're not the only one. The only thing that helps me is that my brother and DP stand up to him sometimes when it all gets too much and I'm about to lose it. Maybe there is someone that could back you up?

purpleduck · 19/09/2007 10:20

Ok, when your child is grown up, are they going to start calling you "milkmoniter" rather than mum and dad?
Yabu! The altrenative would be
love,
Mummy and Daddy (for your dh)
Mary Mother in law, Fred Father in law (for you)
Grandma and grandad (for cd's)
That seems unreasonable!!!

purpleduck · 19/09/2007 10:20

alternative!!

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 19/09/2007 11:18

Perhaps you should read the thread?

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Hulababy · 19/09/2007 11:30

From your update I can now see that the card is not the issue at all. I can see that there are several other issues regarding your MIL's treatment of yourself and of your children, and they do sound very difficult to deal with. I would hate that myself and can understand why you are so cross and upset about it all.

Has your DH spoken to his mum about the way she treats you and the way she is with your children ? I think he really needs to, and that it should be DH doing it (a) as your husband and (b) as her son and (c) as the children's daddy.

Even if DH just has to lay the law down for a while and put a stop to it all, limiting access, standing up for you when she tries to overrule you witht he childre, telling her to stand back and let you deal with the child if hurt, etc.

DH needs to be sorting this out. He is letting his mum upset and hurt you and that is not right.

seeker · 19/09/2007 11:40

I get really cross with my brother when he refers to our mother as "grandma" She's not our grandma and I think it's taking away her identity.

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