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Original poster

DP says I'm the reason he doesn't have many friends

142 replies

kikohal · 05/05/2020 12:00

For backstory: when we first met, in the first week, I explained that I had a red line of staying in touch with people you've had a past relationship / slept with. This is due to being hurt in the past and just a general rule I have.
DP agreed.

However, on many times throughout our relationship (5 years) he says I'm the reason he's lost friends. From my memory, 2 of his good friends he has slept with. He agreed to cut these people out to continue dating me one week in to knowing each other. I use "friends" loosely.

One he had known growing up and hadn't spoken to her at all in a few years before we met and she hasn't attempted to speak to him at all in our relationship. He hasn't been back to his hometown either as all family moved from there years ago.

The other friend was a fellow professional in a house share, they slept together when drunk and she moved out just before we met. I agreed to meet her when we first started dating however on the night, they had an argument and she never tried speaking to him again.

His loss of friendships to me seem unrelated to me. We moved from our University town where he stayed for 10 years and to London. His good friends are still there.

The friends he lost are ones who I've had no impact with. They simply just must not really want the friendship. He has made attempts to meet them that they've cancelled. Some just have moved on, most have families and are settled all over the country.

I also will say, he's made new friends at work etc and I've introduced him to my friends and had parties etc. He has become close with one friend's boyfriend but the rest don't really like him - I think he isn't particularly fun socially, he comes across a bit self obsessed. He can also only make friends with new people if they're interested in football or horse racing.

I just don't know how to stop having this argument. It also makes me incredibly anxious. Every time he will automatically bring up those girls as friends I made him lose but he can't back up why he's lost the others, especially men.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 05/05/2020 12:07

Sounds like a catch...

OldEvilOwl · 05/05/2020 12:10

Refuse to have the argument. Walk away. Nothing will be achieved from going over it again and again

Wankerchief · 05/05/2020 12:10

So he likes to talk about women hes had sex with in front of you often

I mean really,whats his good points?!

Windyatthebeach · 05/05/2020 12:12

He is mad at you because his sources of ego stroking have gone....
He is a twat.

wildcherries · 05/05/2020 12:14

Don't engage with this. He doesn't sound particularly interesting - unless you are someone who shares his hobbies. That's not your fault.

wineandroses1 · 05/05/2020 12:16

Tell him he needs to stop having this discussion now as he's being a twat and blaming you for his own lack of social skills. Next time he raises it, refuse to discuss it, except perhaps to tell him that if he wants more friends he needs to move on from the past and that he might find more friends if he could talk about things other than football and horse racing.

I'd find him boring as shit actually.

Also, doesn't sound like he

wineandroses1 · 05/05/2020 12:17

ignore last sentence, not sure where that came from.

megrichardson · 05/05/2020 12:20

What precisely does he expect you to do when he starts up the same old loss of friends crap? You are more patient than I would be, OP.

dreamingbohemian · 05/05/2020 12:20

I think he isn't particularly fun socially, he comes across a bit self obsessed. He can also only make friends with new people if they're interested in football or horse racing.

Have you told him bluntly that THIS is the reason he doesn't have friends?

Is it not hard being with someone who none of your friends like?

Saturdaysnotforexercise · 05/05/2020 12:21

He sounds like a crashing bore, to anyone who doesn’t share his hobbies. But it sounds like he won’t admit anything or make any effort, so good luck with it.

4dayoldjoggers · 05/05/2020 12:22

This reply has been deleted

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Witchcraftandhokum · 05/05/2020 12:25

Personally I think your rule is ridiculous. I am friends with the majority of my ex's. Within the first 6 months of meeting my now husband and went to stay with an ex in America. Myself and my husband are now good friends with him and his wife.

However, he agreed to it so he's made his bed and he has to lie in it I guess.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/05/2020 12:25

Five years.... hmmm, I had a five years one.

Cold sweat time thinking of what it would have been like if I'd stayed with him.

He was boring too!!!

incognitomum · 05/05/2020 12:26

Why are you with him?

Itisbetter · 05/05/2020 12:30

Do you have to have the conversation at all? Just shut it down.

Dillybear · 05/05/2020 12:32

Personally I think your rule is unreasonable. But that aside, when you’re talking about your partner like this -

I think he isn't particularly fun socially, he comes across a bit self obsessed. He can also only make friends with new people if they're interested in football or horse racing.

  • possibly you need to consider that you don’t really like him, and maybe it’s time to move on.
Whataloadofshite · 05/05/2020 12:33

Firstly - dictating who people can and can't talk to is a red flag unless they have done something terrible to warrant it. People are capable of being on good, platonic terms with people they have been involved with in the past - I'm talking about separated couples with children and also people who just realised they were not compatible. It is not something you can just red line because it's not always as simple as that.

I would find that too controlling unless there was legitimate reason why talking wasn't allowed because ultimately, that's a trust issue. I understand why it's an issue for you, but you cannot expect someone to adhere to that with no genuine reason. Genuine reasons might include but are not limited to:

• Infidelity on either part.
• Abusive behaviours from the other person in the prior relationship.
• Alcohol/substance abuse from the other person in the prior relationship, and the fact that it might encourage similar behaviours in your partner.
• Behaviours that put you and your partner at risk from the prior partner. Sometimes when you put two people together it can be the catalyst for bad things.

If a bloke rocked up and demanded the same from a woman, he'd be slaughtered for being too controlling.

Before anyone bites my head off - I think OP's partner is being a total arse. If he cannot maintain friendships with people then that's not her fault - and using her rule of not being in contact with exes etc is really shit of him because it's laying the blame elsewhere. I might not agree with controlling behaviours like that, but I do think people need to be personally responsible for their own behaviours with regard to their lives and friendships. If he felt he couldn't maintain a no contact rule with certain people, he shouldn't have agreed to it.

An ex of mine could never take responsibility for his issues and it was always someone else's fault. I ended up splitting up with him because it meant we weren't compatible as he would he so utterly childish about things.

You deserve to be with someone you can trust, and not someone who can't maintain friendships and then blames you for that. Like I said, I don't agree with the no contact rule, but even without that it sounds like he's an arse. Might be best to move on.

NeutrinoWrangler · 05/05/2020 12:33

Self-obsessed, only cares about about his two boring hobbies, blames you for his own "issues"/shortcomings... I'd have a serious think about whether he was worth the effort, tbh.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/05/2020 12:33

I tell you what, why don't you do him a huge favour and LTB? Then he will have the freedom to make as many friends as he wants, revisit exes, all of that. Of course he'd have to find someone else to blame for his lack of social skills then...

ShallallalAa · 05/05/2020 12:34

Refuse to engage in the conversation whatsoever.
I bet this is not the only area of his life he blames you for if he's not happy is it?

Original poster
kikohal · 05/05/2020 12:36

My friends don't dislike him. They just don't really care much for him but they always involve him and invite him to things. My friends are just nice.

One person has outright said they didn't like him but that person also happens to be a bore!

OP posts:
PinkMonkeyBird · 05/05/2020 12:38

Tell him to fuck right off. My ex was like this. He had two female friends who he lost touch with just before we got together through his own doing and towards the end of our relationship (he cheated) he twisted it to say he stopped being friends with them for me. Total BS. It's called rewriting your history. I'd be ending this relationship.

Original poster
kikohal · 05/05/2020 12:39

The reason I don't think my demand is controlling is because I'm upfront about it, I don't wait until we are together etc. I just think exes are exes for a reason and that's that. I prefer to leave things in the past.

I am aware some people get on well with exes, I just don't want to have that in my life. Also, I did try with one girl as I explained, I would have made an exception but it was obvious they weren't good enough friends...

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 05/05/2020 12:39

I can see why he’s doing it. It’s much easier to put the blame on someone else than to admit you have limited social skills. And if he’s made friends at university and has made a friend in London, he’ll be taking that as proof it’s not his fault he’s not popular.

Is he blaming you for making him move from your university town to London? Is he unhappy where you live now?

FizzyGreenWater · 05/05/2020 12:40

How old are you?

He really does sound dismal. Can you really imagine another 40+ years with him and this being the father of your children?

God I'm depressed just thinking about it!

Sunk costs fallacy. Don't do it.

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