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Original poster

DP says I'm the reason he doesn't have many friends

142 replies

kikohal · 05/05/2020 12:00

For backstory: when we first met, in the first week, I explained that I had a red line of staying in touch with people you've had a past relationship / slept with. This is due to being hurt in the past and just a general rule I have.
DP agreed.

However, on many times throughout our relationship (5 years) he says I'm the reason he's lost friends. From my memory, 2 of his good friends he has slept with. He agreed to cut these people out to continue dating me one week in to knowing each other. I use "friends" loosely.

One he had known growing up and hadn't spoken to her at all in a few years before we met and she hasn't attempted to speak to him at all in our relationship. He hasn't been back to his hometown either as all family moved from there years ago.

The other friend was a fellow professional in a house share, they slept together when drunk and she moved out just before we met. I agreed to meet her when we first started dating however on the night, they had an argument and she never tried speaking to him again.

His loss of friendships to me seem unrelated to me. We moved from our University town where he stayed for 10 years and to London. His good friends are still there.

The friends he lost are ones who I've had no impact with. They simply just must not really want the friendship. He has made attempts to meet them that they've cancelled. Some just have moved on, most have families and are settled all over the country.

I also will say, he's made new friends at work etc and I've introduced him to my friends and had parties etc. He has become close with one friend's boyfriend but the rest don't really like him - I think he isn't particularly fun socially, he comes across a bit self obsessed. He can also only make friends with new people if they're interested in football or horse racing.

I just don't know how to stop having this argument. It also makes me incredibly anxious. Every time he will automatically bring up those girls as friends I made him lose but he can't back up why he's lost the others, especially men.

OP posts:
Original poster
kikohal · 05/05/2020 12:41

@Sn0tnose he doesn't blame me no. That was his decision and he has a better job, more money, a nice house etc by doing it (and being with me)

OP posts:
incognitomum · 05/05/2020 12:43

And exactly why are you with him? What's good about him? He sounds a bore.

Sushiroller · 05/05/2020 12:44

I dont think it's a demand per se.

Also think it is totally normal - my DP and I aren't in touch with any ex's.

Your DP's problem sounds like it's exactly that. His problem

As an aside, are you sure you want to date him? My DP and I have massively different interests but talk about everything and make each other laugh are socks off. Your DP doesn't sound like a friend let alone a best friend.

Original poster
kikohal · 05/05/2020 12:45

In his defence, the friends he lost I don't think is due to his personality. All the groups have just moved on, I think there's films about this left, right and centre. He is clinging on to the party days and now everyone has grown up and moved on, so it has forced him too.

The friendship losses - we are still always invited to the weddings but nothing else - I think that describes it. They all have become distant.

I think he is sad about that but thinks it's easier to blame me because I did stop him talking to two people (even though they had no interest in talking to him)

OP posts:
Booboodisney · 05/05/2020 12:46

Men who claim they are friends with women they’ve slept with ... hmm. Bit like women who claim they only get on with men. And only have male friends and it’s totally platonic. Oh except that one time they slept with X and that one time Y came on to her etc

ShagMeRiggins · 05/05/2020 12:48

Then tell him fine, go for it, have these two women back as friends. He should find out soon enough that it’s not about you and your restrictions.

Winterlife · 05/05/2020 12:48

So tell him you think he lost those friendships because of him, not you. Tell him to go and try to rekindle them, you don't care. If it really was a true friendship, he will be able to rekindle it.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 05/05/2020 12:52

I’m really surprised that you know he had slept with these women. Weird to volunteer info about one night stands to someone you are dating? How did it come up in conversation?

I have a couple of friends that I shagged back in university (not ex boyfriends, just student messing about). All water long under the bridge and they are happily married to other people. My husband has met them both. It would not occur to me to tell my husband that they and I had slept together.

ambereeree · 05/05/2020 12:52

OP you really don't seem suited. You sound young, get rid and find someone else. He sounds a bit blah tbh

GigiLamour · 05/05/2020 12:52

Well, he blames you for stuff about his life that isn't your fault. That would be a massive red flag for me. How's that going to play out over the next 40-50 years? Eurgh.

Also he sounds like one very boring guy.

Sorry, but I'm not sure this is worth the effort.

HollowTalk · 05/05/2020 12:54

Hmmm five years. How many more years are you going to spend with him? He sounds like a pain in the arse, tbh.

Do you ever look at other men and think life would be better with them?

joystir59 · 05/05/2020 12:55

We are both very close to our ex partners. They are are as good as family. I don't see what the problem is staying friend with exes. The clue is in the word 'ex'.

Imstillskanking · 05/05/2020 12:58

Sounds like you don't like him that much. I don't blame you.

PinkMonkeyBird · 05/05/2020 13:00

@kikohal I'd have to disagree about having friends as exes. I'm still friends with my ex-husband and I get on well with his wife. Also, my partner has 2 exes as friends who I've met and like very much. He explained exactly why they were exes and he's been friends with them for decades now.

I can understand drawing the line if exes are causing issues or very recent exes, but not if they have been friends for a long time and the relationship between them was a long time ago.

saraclara · 05/05/2020 13:01

Well he's clearly a prat, but you gave him an easy excuse, let's face it.

I wouldn't want to be told I couldn't be friends with someone, either. Your red line is about your own insecurity, and there's no reason at all why he should have put up with that veto. So yep, he resents you for it (and is probably annoyed with himself for accepting that restriction back then)

The obvious answer is to give him permission to reconnect with them. It's not like anything explosive would happen in the unlikely event that they had any interest in being in touch again.

Kemputer · 05/05/2020 13:02

He’s an idiot and blaming his lack of popularity on you. I thought from the title, you keep him on Friday nights etc. If all his friends are people he’s slept with, maybe he should stop being such a man slag.

You are not to blame and your request is reasonable - he is deflecting his issues onto you

BigFatLiar · 05/05/2020 13:03

If he doesn't blame you why are you so bothered. He's chosen to be with you so obviously puts your relationship in priority over his other friends. Would you prefer it the other way?

Alsohuman · 05/05/2020 13:06

If I’d met someone who made the demands you did I’d have run for the hills. But then our friendship circle includes both our exes and their spouses so I guess we’re a bit strange by your standards.

StripeyLurcher · 05/05/2020 13:08

Why can't he make some new friends who are really into football and racing? Surely there are millions of sport obsessed men who he could easily meet after the lockdown.

starfishmummy · 05/05/2020 13:08

"The reason I don't think my demand is controlling is because I'm upfront about it,"

Thats alright then Biscuit

You bith sound as bad as each other

BiscuitBean · 05/05/2020 13:09

I used to be like this with ex’s...an ex of mine was still friends with his first serious girlfriend and I hated it. And thus hated her, for no reason. He insisted I should give her a chance. I did and she’s been my closest friend ever since...19 years now. I split with him 17 years ago but she’s still in my life.

If someone told me I couldn’t be friends with my ex’s to be in a relationship with them I would walk away.

Back to your DP though, if he really is as self obsessed as he sounds, he probably genuinely doesn’t realise why he doesn’t have any friends. So he goes for the easiest option and blames you, instead of looking at his own behaviour. If he’s unable or unwilling to consider that, then that would make me think he’s seriously lacking in emotional maturity, and again, I’d just walk away. It is hard when your DP doesn’t really click with your friends. My ex didn’t, so slowly all my friends fell by the way side and his friends became mine. When we split I realised what a boring, controlling arsehole he was and I’ll never let it happen again.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/05/2020 13:10

He's not only boring, he's a whiner.

This thread is going to be like a bucket of cold water OP!

DKanin · 05/05/2020 13:11

OP. - this sounds really familiar to me. My stbxh said it was my fault he didn't have any friends. Even though he didn't before we met (it became clearer with time that they were just acquaintances, very nice people who were friendly to everyone and had loads of friends themselves, but he made out they were bffs). I don't think he's made many, if any friends since I left him (he comes over as quite cold, judgmental and makes zero effort with new people). I'm sure he still thinks it's my fault even though we haven't been together for 4 years 🙄

I feel pretty stupid now - I used to listen to him cry and whine for hours about having no friends, I'd offer to come with him to things where he'd meet people as he wouldn't go on his own, I offered to cook for people he'd met at a sport club who he said had been friendly to him, I offered to drop him at a sports get together and wait nearby in case he didn't like it and wanted an excuse to leave. I know you'd probably feel sorry for him reading this but he had a horrible attitude - couldn't be bothered to make the effort, was excessively critical of people yet moaned it was somehow my fault he didn't have any mates. I don't know how I was so patient

OhLaLlol · 05/05/2020 13:12

What was behind the move to London, was it for his job/your job or a different reason?

Candyfloss99 · 05/05/2020 13:15

So the only people he wants to be friends with are people he's has sex with? YUCK.

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