DP says I'm the reason he doesn't have many friends

[kikohal]

For backstory: when we first met, in the first week, I explained that I had a red line of staying in touch with people you've had a past relationship / slept with. This is due to being hurt in the past and just a general rule I have.
DP agreed.

However, on many times throughout our relationship (5 years) he says I'm the reason he's lost friends. From my memory, 2 of his good friends he has slept with. He agreed to cut these people out to continue dating me one week in to knowing each other. I use "friends" loosely.

One he had known growing up and hadn't spoken to her at all in a few years before we met and she hasn't attempted to speak to him at all in our relationship. He hasn't been back to his hometown either as all family moved from there years ago.

The other friend was a fellow professional in a house share, they slept together when drunk and she moved out just before we met. I agreed to meet her when we first started dating however on the night, they had an argument and she never tried speaking to him again.

His loss of friendships to me seem unrelated to me. We moved from our University town where he stayed for 10 years and to London. His good friends are still there.

The friends he lost are ones who I've had no impact with. They simply just must not really want the friendship. He has made attempts to meet them that they've cancelled. Some just have moved on, most have families and are settled all over the country.

I also will say, he's made new friends at work etc and I've introduced him to my friends and had parties etc. He has become close with one friend's boyfriend but the rest don't really like him - I think he isn't particularly fun socially, he comes across a bit self obsessed. He can also only make friends with new people if they're interested in football or horse racing.

I just don't know how to stop having this argument. It also makes me incredibly anxious. Every time he will automatically bring up those girls as friends I made him lose but he can't back up why he's lost the others, especially men.

Out of interest, what did him and the girl argue about on the night you met her? Was that not awkward?

I know my post doesn't sound like it and it is mostly because I wrote this post straight after we argued again about it, but we do talk about a lot more than his two things and generally find each other interesting

@Blurby it was her bday night out and we were behind them on a bar crawl (with the other group who he still lived with). She tried calling and in his pocket he pressed the automated message thing that said "can't talk I'm busy right now" (or whatever it is on iphone)
She had a go saying he was rude and he swore in his reply to her (the reply was fine - just the way he speaks normally) and she got mad and said to "never talk to him again" and so we carried on and went home. Neither got in touch again.

@ohlallol I am from there originally and had a grad scheme. His job is moveable and easy to get a position - his family also all moved down around Home Counties. We decided to move together and save for a house.

He sounds utterly tiresome. You can’t possibly want to grow old with this man?

Also - I haven't been clear. He does have friends. In my opinion with age you tend to have fewer but closer friends. He has 2 best best friends and then about 4 really good friends. The rest are distant friends who will occasionally message but not much more.

He isn't moaning regularly but something will remind him of an old friend and he will go into this debate and argument as to why he's lost so many friends from Uni

If I was your partner I'd've finished it when you stated your requirements. I don't have any exes in my social circle but I will not be told what to do like that.

If I was you, I'd dump the bloke. You clearly don't like or respect him, and he does sound like a pita.

@tableclothing and if he told me he wouldn't be told what to do and will remain friends with some exes then I'd have said we aren't compatible and we'd have both moved on.

So what's great about this relationship, OP? You want to get a house together, so it must be good, apart from this enormous issue which doesn't seem like it will resolve itself.

I'd offer to come with him to things where he'd meet people as he wouldn't go on his own, I offered to cook for people he'd met at a sport club who he said had been friendly to him, I offered to drop him at a sports get together and wait nearby in case he didn't like it and wanted an excuse to leave.

Sounds like something you’d do for a child! No wonder he’s an ex.

I know this will be taken as drip feeding - the rule was generic and something I said on our first date. When we began considering a relationship he agreed with the rule.

He doesn't want me to speak to anyone I've ever had any form of connection with - he is funny about some men I've only kissed. I am fine with it though as I am aware the friendship was based on attraction and is inappropriate by my own standards.

However, one of the girls he slept with he had cheated on his girlfriend with. He was upfront about cheating at the beginning, he had a lot of regrets and I am fine with it as I know people make mistakes. I also didn't think the relationship would end up where we are today.

Next time he gripes, tell him: "I'm indirectly responsible for you losing touch with TWO exes. The rest you've lost without any input from me. If you really want to know why you've lost friends, I can write you a list of reasons and tape it inside your wardrobe door. You won't enjoy reading it but it might help you evaluate your social skills."

Everyone makes their own weather in the end. My DH grumbles about the lack of interesting people where we live, but I've found plenty. 😉

I think tableclothing is spot on.
And it all sounds so boring and tedious!

I find your rule a bit strange to be honest. My ex DH and I are still good friends and I get on well with his wife. We still exchange Christmas and birthday presents etc. Come to think of it I'm still in contact with all my ex's. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't accept that.

One of the attractive and reassuring things for me about my husband was that he WAS good friends with all his exes. It told me he liked and respected women, not just for sex, and he had behaved well in those relationships. It also shows he has great taste in women ;)

25 years later we are very happy and still friends with his exes

One he had known growing up and hadn't spoken to her at all in a few years before we met and she hasn't attempted to speak to him at all in our relationship. He hasn't been back to his hometown either as all family moved from there years ago.

I'm puzzled as to why you would ban him from contact with this person. I'm also glad that neither I nor my OH have asked this of each other. I trust him, he trusts me and we choose our own friends. We're both friends with exes and we're faithful to each other.

I mean it sounds like you don't like him very much anyway but going into a relationship with demands like that? Well, good luck to you both.

You set a rule... on your first date?? I'll be in the minority, but that's just not cool, OP. Why are you both so honed in on each other's past relationships/intimacies? It seems to have set the entire tone of your relationship. Not happy or healthy in the least! Do not get a house together! Your relationship isn't in a good place. You do realise this, yes?

yes, your rule is something I would never accept, no partner can tell me with whom I can be friends, as long as I am behaving appropriately

one of my EXes is one of my absolute best friends, too, and I would never give up our friendship for some new guy I'd been dating a week and their rules, to be honest, I would think very poorly of anybody that had so little loyalty for their friends that they'd be willing to drop them for this reason

that said, it is clearly not your fault he has no friends! maybe time for a serious talk about it at a moment you are calm?

@vanhi I didn't ban him from anyone specific. I said that I thought it's inappropriate to speak to exes. That is all. I have simply named the only 2 people that meet the definition that he was ever a friend with or didn't hate him.

There's ex's who you were genuinely friends with, dated for a while, or married to and it came to a good end and both moved on. The common history isn't all Sexual.

Then there's people who you would count as an ex when it's just been sex and you are still in contact with because you're hoping for the odd booty call. Or a bit of phone sex, stroke of the ego etc.

There's nothing wrong with thinking the latter should be dropped when in a secure relationship. You are just making it clear that you won't be disrespected.

OP, this will get worse with age. He needs to accept growing up and the life changes that it brings. You're going to end up with an immature idiot or a grumpy old man.

Sounds like an odd situation to have between partners.Can't you think of something else to discuss instead.

& Personally I think your rule is unreasonable. But that aside, when you’re talking about your partner like this -^

I think he isn't particularly fun socially, he comes across a bit self obsessed. He can also only make friends with new people if they're interested in football or horse racing.

• possibly you need to consider that you don’t really like him, and maybe it’s time to move on.

The above comment is perfect. Well worth repeating.

My DH is currently out on a dog walk with my ex DH and their daughters (my DD and my DstepD). I know that’s probably a bit much by most people’s standards but I really don’t get cutting people out of your life who were once deemed good enough to be in a relationship with (unless they’ve done something unspeakably shitty during that relationship).

Rules about who people can and can’t speak to are for teenagers, not adults.
Seems like both you and your boyfriend need to grow up a bit.

Maybe try some counselling to help you unpack why you start setting behaviour codes for others on first dates and how to set and enforce healthy boundaries for yourself instead? Might help you to pick a better suited partner next time? (worked for me )

Wow. You set this rule on the first date??? More took him for accepting it I suppose, instead of laughing in your face and walking away. And if any woman came on here and said a man had made such a demand on a first date, she would rightly be told this was a huge red flag and to run.

But hey, you’re “up front” about it so it’s ok

^more fool him, that should say

I don’t think your rule is unreasonable for the simple reason you’re up front about it and it’s then up to the person to decide if it’s acceptable to them or not. It’s not like he was forced to comply at gun point.

However he’s a twat. I’ve no idea why he keeps blaming you but it’s illogical and stupid.

Next time he raises it say we will never agree on this and I’m not discussing it again. And walk away. Repeat any time he tries to raise it. Do not engage in his self pitying accusatory behaviour.