DP says I'm the reason he doesn't have many friends

[kikohal]

For backstory: when we first met, in the first week, I explained that I had a red line of staying in touch with people you've had a past relationship / slept with. This is due to being hurt in the past and just a general rule I have.
DP agreed.

However, on many times throughout our relationship (5 years) he says I'm the reason he's lost friends. From my memory, 2 of his good friends he has slept with. He agreed to cut these people out to continue dating me one week in to knowing each other. I use "friends" loosely.

One he had known growing up and hadn't spoken to her at all in a few years before we met and she hasn't attempted to speak to him at all in our relationship. He hasn't been back to his hometown either as all family moved from there years ago.

The other friend was a fellow professional in a house share, they slept together when drunk and she moved out just before we met. I agreed to meet her when we first started dating however on the night, they had an argument and she never tried speaking to him again.

His loss of friendships to me seem unrelated to me. We moved from our University town where he stayed for 10 years and to London. His good friends are still there.

The friends he lost are ones who I've had no impact with. They simply just must not really want the friendship. He has made attempts to meet them that they've cancelled. Some just have moved on, most have families and are settled all over the country.

I also will say, he's made new friends at work etc and I've introduced him to my friends and had parties etc. He has become close with one friend's boyfriend but the rest don't really like him - I think he isn't particularly fun socially, he comes across a bit self obsessed. He can also only make friends with new people if they're interested in football or horse racing.

I just don't know how to stop having this argument. It also makes me incredibly anxious. Every time he will automatically bring up those girls as friends I made him lose but he can't back up why he's lost the others, especially men.

For backstory: when we first met, in the first week, I explained that I had a red line of staying in touch with people you've had a past relationship / slept with. This is due to being hurt in the past and just a general rule I have

It's really quite normal for decent people to be talking to, and being friends with exes, or at least able to have civil conversations. This is just part of what makes them decent people.

So you've been hurt by crap behaviour from another person and you are extrapolating that to feel that every bloke is likely to do the same.

So I would recommend you split from moaning minnie because you don't sound compatible, and also reflect on your red line, perhaps with a therapist, as it's coming across as controlling and I feel you've never dealt properly with this previous hurt.

Just because you think you're being "upfront" / laying your cards on the table etc doesn't make it an okay request because it's out in the open. It's still wrong, and kinda weird. You don't sound suited at all anyway. I think as long as you're under the impression requests/rules/whatever you call it are okay as long as they're spelled out means you're going to have relationship troubles.

There are some of the most ridiculous, gaslighting posts in this thread.

Plenty of people don’t feel comfortable with having people their significant other had sex with around.

In fact, the argument could be made that it’s immature to not move on and let go of old relationships.

I think he doesn’t like his life or you very much anymore but rather then admit that and take responsibility to change it it’s easier to blame you instead.

the argument could be made that it’s immature to not move on and let go of old relationships

It’s not an argument that would have any credibility. It’s pretty healthy to be civilised enough to finish a relationship and maintain the friendship.

It certainly can be healthy but to act like that’s the only way and that not wanting to hang out with people that your partner was intimate with is abusive? Downright idiotic.

OP gave that info as background, not as open season on her values. Hope she stops answering the people plainly having a go at her out of their own miserable boredom.

It certainly can be healthy but to act like that’s the only way and that not wanting to hang out with people that your partner was intimate with is abusive? Downright idiotic

Nobody’s saying she has to hang out with them. But to demand on a first date (or within a week of meeting them, I think the story has evolved somewhat) that someone cuts contact with their friends as it’s a redline issue for you is frankly controlling, manipulative, abusive and downright idiotic.

Honestly. You both need partners that will help you learn and grow. This relationship has run its course.

@sammylady37
No, I don’t agree at all.

It’s healthy to describe your boundaries, likes and dislikes when getting to know someone.

“I don’t keep in touch with past intimate partners and prefer that anyone I become serious with is comfortable doing the same.”

It’s absolute madness to call that abusive or controlling.

@HannaYeah *No, I don’t agree at all.

It’s healthy to describe your boundaries, likes and dislikes when getting to know someone.

“I don’t keep in touch with past intimate partners and prefer that anyone I become serious with is comfortable doing the same.”

It’s absolute madness to call that abusive or controlling*

There’s a bit of a difference between doing it that way (even though that is still odd, IMO) and doing what the op did, which is within the first week making a demand. I mean, in my case if someone did what the OP did to me and j was foolish to go along with it, it would mean giving up a friendship of 2 decades for someone I’d only just met. How is that right? To either do that or expect it of someone?? What sort of a friend would I be if I dropped people just like that because of the demands of someone who may not last 3 months in my life?

I’ve said it before on this thread but if a woman posted on here that a man she’d known a week had made these demands, she’d rightly be told to run a mile. She’d be told he was trying to control who she could see and that he was trying to isolate her from her friends. She’d be told she had no right to demand that of her. She’d be told he was setting his stall out early and that god knows what he’d be like in 6 months if he was like that on day 1. She’d be given the MN classic line of “when someone tells you who they are, believe them”.

I actually feel a bit sorry for the guy here. While he sounds dull and an idiot, he clearly doesn’t have the confidence, self-esteem or boundaries to tell someone who is making demands about his friendship circle after just walking into his life to go fuck themselves.

So the friends he lost are all women he had sex with?

That's a red flag OP.
Most people would find it quite odd to have nearly only these type of 'friends'

The weird ex girlfriend thing aside, you still haven't even said what you like about him or even if you like him, or anything positive about him whatsoever really. I agree you sound incompatible.

Plenty of people don’t feel comfortable with having people their significant other had sex with around

In fact, the argument could be made that it’s immature to not move on and let go of old relationships

Really? I literally know no-one like this. Ex's don't worry me - because they are Ex.
Thinking it is immature that people are able to move from a romantic relationship to a friendship has to be one of the weirdest statements I have ever heard on MN. It simply means that you like that person AS A PERSON, not simply in terms of a romantic partner.

All of us have issues, but each person has the responsibility of dealing with their own issues. Seeking to 'deal' with your issues by asserting control over those close to you is deeply unhealthy.

He sounds boring and you sound controlling. Do you even like him? It doesn’t sound like you do.
Time for you both to move on.

@sammylady37

Where does the OP claimed she demanded it? She discussed it with him as how she generally felt about past relationships while they were getting to know one another. He agreed.

She even went out with him to meet up with a specific one of these friends he’d slept with and the woman got mad at him, threw a fit and has never spoken to him again since.

I don’t know anyone above the age of 30 in a successful long-term relationship that has kept a bunch of exes around.

@HannaYeah

Where does the OP claimed she demanded it? She discussed it with him as how she generally felt about past relationships while they were getting to know one another. He agreed

Here, in her third post on the thread, she calls it a demand herself and goes on to say she sets it out before they’re even together:
The reason I don't think my demand is controlling is because I'm upfront about it, I don't wait until we are together etc

The no speaking to ex’s wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me but it is for the OP and her bf didn’t have to agree. The problem is he agreed to something he wasn’t happy with and is using it as a convenient excuse for having few friends five years later.

I’d fast lose respect for someone who pointed the finger instead of looking in the mirror.