DP says I'm the reason he doesn't have many friends

[kikohal]

For backstory: when we first met, in the first week, I explained that I had a red line of staying in touch with people you've had a past relationship / slept with. This is due to being hurt in the past and just a general rule I have.
DP agreed.

However, on many times throughout our relationship (5 years) he says I'm the reason he's lost friends. From my memory, 2 of his good friends he has slept with. He agreed to cut these people out to continue dating me one week in to knowing each other. I use "friends" loosely.

One he had known growing up and hadn't spoken to her at all in a few years before we met and she hasn't attempted to speak to him at all in our relationship. He hasn't been back to his hometown either as all family moved from there years ago.

The other friend was a fellow professional in a house share, they slept together when drunk and she moved out just before we met. I agreed to meet her when we first started dating however on the night, they had an argument and she never tried speaking to him again.

His loss of friendships to me seem unrelated to me. We moved from our University town where he stayed for 10 years and to London. His good friends are still there.

The friends he lost are ones who I've had no impact with. They simply just must not really want the friendship. He has made attempts to meet them that they've cancelled. Some just have moved on, most have families and are settled all over the country.

I also will say, he's made new friends at work etc and I've introduced him to my friends and had parties etc. He has become close with one friend's boyfriend but the rest don't really like him - I think he isn't particularly fun socially, he comes across a bit self obsessed. He can also only make friends with new people if they're interested in football or horse racing.

I just don't know how to stop having this argument. It also makes me incredibly anxious. Every time he will automatically bring up those girls as friends I made him lose but he can't back up why he's lost the others, especially men.

I don’t think your rule is unreasonable for the simple reason you’re up front about it and it’s then up to the person to decide if it’s acceptable to them or not

Well, that is just saying I am reasonable about my unreasonableness.

Why is it an argument, though? Do you feel as though he is blaming you unfairly? Because that’s a different issue.
You both sound as though you’re on the same page in that neither
of you want the other to be in touch with exes or friends (that have been more).

Next time he suggests it - say maybe that’s so, and move on. What difference does it make 5 odd years later?

I think the rule is odd

But he is very odd to keep bringing this up

I’d let him get in touch with them as much as he likes. I’d even let him marry either of them to be honest

He sounds terminally boring

We spoke about our pasts and relationships, I said that I think it's odd AT OUR AGE to be close to exes WITHOUT GOOD REASON and that you should move on. He somewhat agreed.

Being a friend IS a good reason to remain in contact. And age has NOTHING to do with things.

I don't get it.

You say he does have friends. 2 besties and 4 others.

So
(A) why is he whining about lack of friends repeatedly
(B) what have the "exs" two ancient brief flings have to do with his new mates?
(C) why are you arguing about such nonsense, repeatedly? He has mates. You don't stop him having mates. Why are you even talking about this never mind arguing?

And age has NOTHING to do with things

Yes, quite Multi I genuinely don't know why OP thinks that because people are young/ middle aged/ old, or whatever age group she thinks this odd statement applies to, means you can't be friends with ex's.

TBH, I think OP linking this controlling rule to age makes her look even more strange, not less.

You sound controlling and he sounds boring as fuck.

You need to tell him outright..

"We moved X years ago. It's all too late now. You keep crying over spilt milk and it's pathetic, pack it in.

It's not too late to make new friends. I will support you, but I can't do it for you. Take responsibility for your own happiness or we're done. PS. I'm not your Mum."

Well he sounds really boring. Football and horse racing, dear God.

But, I think you are controlling. I'd have walked out immediately on your ultimatum.

I just think exes are exes for a reason and that's that. I prefer to leave things in the past.

Exes are exes for a reason indeed. Because it didn't work out! Otherwise they'd be 'currents'. Therefore unless there is some weird obsessive back story, I see exes who become good friends as rather safer than new friends. At least the exes have been tried, tested, and found wanting (on either side).

In fact if I met a man and he had no exes as friends and had dropped them all, I'd be pretty suspicious. Someone who is friends with exes is usually a reasonably decent and mature person who is probably not a complete wanker, either during the relationship or during subsequent break up.

I had something like 5 exes at my wedding and DH is friends with them all too.

Just say “It sounds like you would like to have more friends. I do understand, but I can’t take responsibility for making that happen for you.”

Don’t engage in the discussion about it being your fault. It’s stupid, and his way of avoiding his role in his own life happiness.

“What are you planning to do to change things so you are happier with your social life? Is there a practical way I can help support you in this?”

Why does he do it?

Because he can, because blaming you is easier than accepting responsibility for agreeing to your request, because his friend ditched him and because making you out to be the bad perversely makes him feel better about himself,

You need to stop indulging his pathetic blame shifting and tell him straight, he either gets over it or, you can be another Ex he doesn’t talk to.

If I’d met someone who made the demands you did I’d have run for the hills.

Me too!

Honestly, your rule is ridiculous and his reaction is annoying.

You don't sound like you like him much.

But maybe he's the best you can do with your rule...

Well he sounds really boring. Football and horse racing, dear God.
And he's only 31
OP run and then run some more

How much do you like football, horse racing, hanging out with his mates?

My rule may be unreasonable to you - but it is still my redline.

If he turned round and said his ex from years ago and him were very close, then I'd understand. But the rule applied as he had no deep friendships with exes. Also, the people he is moaning about aren't even exes, they're girls he shagged and happened to be so close in proximity he says they're friends.

The at our age is in reference to our life positions. He has no meaningful relationships or friendships in which he slept with them so it made no sense, it was in response to everyone going on about being friends with their ex husband. Of course that's normal and good if you have kids.

It's all situational. I didn't blurt out "I can't date you if you'll be friends with an ex" it came from talking about our pasts. He said he lived with someone he slept with.

When we first met neither of us had the intention of a relationship, me even less so. He began wanting a relationship and I explained that I had some hard red lines that would apply to him and he needs to decide if he can deal with it. He said he can.

HOWEVER, as explained, with one of the "exes" I changed my "rule" to try and meet her and not have an issue so they could be friends. But they naturally fell out.

In fact if I met a man and he had no exes as friends and had dropped them all, I'd be pretty suspicious. Someone who is friends with exes is usually a reasonably decent and mature person who is probably not a complete wanker, either during the relationship or during subsequent break up.

Yes. One ex of mine was outright enemies with some of his ex girlfriends. Now if he disliked one that could be bad luck, two starts to look like a pattern and more than that and what you eventually realise is it's their fault, not the exes'. My ex-bf turned out to be an utter tosser and the women he'd had relationships with disliked him intensely because of the way he'd treated them.

This is in direct contrast to my OH who is on good terms with his exes, or just not in touch with them because they've receded into the past. And they're the women I trust the most, because anything that was going to happen between them is done and dusted.

I still don't get the relevance of these two exes.

He has trouble making and keeping friends because he is a boring fart. Why are you have multiple discussions about this fact, never mind having arguments about it? Tell him to get a bloody therapist.

because he is a boring fart.... Tell him to get a bloody therapist

Therapists can change someone from being a boring fart to being interesting and entertaining?! Well, who knew?

No therapists cannot but the woe is me whining should be done at a therapist not at your girlfriend.

He has no meaningful relationships or friendships in which he slept with them so it made no sense

People hang out with people whose company they enjoy. I really don't get how you think you can get to judge whether this makes sense in someone else's life.

On one hand you seem to defend you having a red line on who your partners are allowed to maintain friendships or contact with, on the other you try to minimise the relationship he had with these women to make it sound almost unreasonable for him to still be in contact with them in the first place. You keep changing your position too. IN the OP you described these women, as 'good friends', now you describe them as minor bit players who he had 'no reason' (in your, rather arrogant) view to still be in contact with. You have massively changed the narrative around your conversation about this from your original post.

I think you are really confused in your mind about all this. I suspect this is because you know it is controlling and unreasonable behaviour, so consciously you tell yourself it is reasonable, but deeper down you know it is not and that is why you try to minimise his relationships with these women to the point where you feel he has 'no reason' to keep in touch with them in the first place, thus justifying your demand he cuts them loose. Its not really for you to judge the quality or importance of other people's friendships or acquaintances and then decide if they are entitled to hold onto these or not.

It does sound like you have outgrown him. Great starter relationship. Served its purpose. Time to move on.

Have you pointed out that both women stopped speaking to him of their own accord, not because of your rule? Woman A stopped before you came along and hasn’t tried since. He and Woman B had a fight that had nothing to do with you and she hasn’t tried to speak to him since. He really doesn’t seem to think much of women having their own minds.

Your rule doesn’t apply to his male friends so what’s his point there?

After I had made these points clear I would make it clear I would not being having this conversation ever again and mean it. I do also like @HannaYeah ‘s suggestions (and coincidentally has the same name as me!)

In fact if I met a man and he had no exes as friends and had dropped them all, I'd be pretty suspicious. Someone who is friends with exes is usually a reasonably decent and mature person who is probably not a complete wanker, either during the relationship or during subsequent break up

This is very true. I’m very good friends with an ex of mine. We were together for 5 years. It’s now about 15 years since we split up, but we remain good friends. He’s now married with a child, I’m not (and never will be, thankfully!). If someone I met started demanding within the first week that I was to cut off the friendship, they’d be history once I stopped laughing. There is no way I’d end a friendship of 2 decades because of the ‘redline’ demands of a virtual stranger.

The more you post, the more it's clear you're both entirely incompatible. Really do both of you a favour and split up.