DP says I'm the reason he doesn't have many friends

[kikohal]

For backstory: when we first met, in the first week, I explained that I had a red line of staying in touch with people you've had a past relationship / slept with. This is due to being hurt in the past and just a general rule I have.
DP agreed.

However, on many times throughout our relationship (5 years) he says I'm the reason he's lost friends. From my memory, 2 of his good friends he has slept with. He agreed to cut these people out to continue dating me one week in to knowing each other. I use "friends" loosely.

One he had known growing up and hadn't spoken to her at all in a few years before we met and she hasn't attempted to speak to him at all in our relationship. He hasn't been back to his hometown either as all family moved from there years ago.

The other friend was a fellow professional in a house share, they slept together when drunk and she moved out just before we met. I agreed to meet her when we first started dating however on the night, they had an argument and she never tried speaking to him again.

His loss of friendships to me seem unrelated to me. We moved from our University town where he stayed for 10 years and to London. His good friends are still there.

The friends he lost are ones who I've had no impact with. They simply just must not really want the friendship. He has made attempts to meet them that they've cancelled. Some just have moved on, most have families and are settled all over the country.

I also will say, he's made new friends at work etc and I've introduced him to my friends and had parties etc. He has become close with one friend's boyfriend but the rest don't really like him - I think he isn't particularly fun socially, he comes across a bit self obsessed. He can also only make friends with new people if they're interested in football or horse racing.

I just don't know how to stop having this argument. It also makes me incredibly anxious. Every time he will automatically bring up those girls as friends I made him lose but he can't back up why he's lost the others, especially men.

He needs to take responsibility for his own social life and happiness. Unless you're actively preventing him from having a social life or making/keeping friends, that's on him.

Don't let yourself be anyone's emotional punchbag, OP. Make it clear to him that's not your role in the relationship.

But you told him upfront - he could have chosen to stay friends with them and not pursue a relationship with you, so he didn’t lose them he made a conscious decision to let them go.

It's impossible to say if it impacted on the wider friendship groups. It could be that dropping those two friends caused ripples that meant he wasn't invited out with wider friendship groups that included them.
I don't understand why you only think it's two 'from memory'. If this is a big conversation that he keeps rehashing surely you know how many friends he feels he's lost?
Next time he raises it, you need to ask what the point is in rehashing this. Is it because he wants you to lift the ban? Is it because he feels he gave up more friends than you and he's jealous? If he can't make peace with this then you need to decide how many more years of your life you want to spend rehashing the same arguments over and over again.
FWIW I do think announcing a blanket ban in the first week is bizarre. People usually try to agree with each other when they first meet so it's not really indicative of whether they agree with or support your position.

I said that I thought it's inappropriate to speak to exes. That is all.

The fact that you chose to say this on a first date is screaming insecurity at me. Anyone saying this to me on a first date would not get a second date.

I have one ex. The only reason I don't talk to him is because he's abusive, which is why I left. If we'd parted on good terms, then I would not accept anyone trying to tell me that I couldn't talk to them.

Many people have relationships that change into friendships, because quite often, the sex bit is just a tiny, tiny bit of the friendship. Life is too short for going round cutting people out when there's been no harm in the relationship. As for cutting someone out, just because you've kissed them?

Your DP is a twat for accepting your conditions then moaning about it. You, OP, would benefit from counselling, because I don't think your attitude is healthy. It smacks of controlling to me.

He has never had a serious long term relationship except for one girl who he doesn't speak to as they ended and I guess they moved on.

He's currently 31. So I'm not cutting out long term partners with history or his baby's mother (no kids just an example). I understand each situation is different.

Don't know why he keeps bringing it up as it is so long ago, however I think it is unreasonable for you to say that he can't even talk to them. what if he bumps into one at the pub or elsewhere? Is he supposed to blank them?

The fact that you chose to say this on a first date is screaming insecurity at me. Anyone saying this to me on a first date would not get a second date.

Very much so, because it IS controlling, regardless of how early you say it. If someone says that on a first date, what demands will they have a few months down the line?

He also sounds like a bit of a bore. Does he have any real hobbies where he'd meet people? (watching football and horse racing aren't hobbies, doing them yourself is)

@AnneOfTeenFables from memory - I don't remember or know all the girls he's slept with.

The only two he is referring to that were friends I mentioned, and they were never real friends.

It can't have impacted wider groups as these females have just moved on in life and he never told them he was cutting them, they've never attempted to speak to him - which was my point!

There is a lot of misinterpretation here. I didn't say on the first date "if you want to keep seeing me this is my rule".

We spoke about our pasts and relationships, I said that I think it's odd AT OUR AGE to be close to exes WITHOUT GOOD REASON and that you should move on. He somewhat agreed.

Later, when we were heading towards a relationship (still early on, first month) I reiterated it. He said he's fine with that and doesn't really talk to them anymore but listed several who he is still in contact with.

Also if anyone sees this as a red flag that's fine. I get that it would be to people. Which is why I lay my cards on the table.

Honestly OP, he sounds like a bore. What do you like about him? I would find this constant negative thinking and shifting of responsibility to be such a turn-off.

If you do end it with him and move on, just bear in mind that your requirement re: zero contact with exes will not be acceptable to many people and you could lose out on a relationship with a wonderful person because of it. (You haven't done anything wrong in making this a rule from the get-go, but it is an unusual/extreme one.)

So these 'friends' are just friends he's slept with rather than being in a full blown relationship with?

He doesnt sound great but I don't understand why you even care about who he's spent one or two nights with in the past when its there ... in the past?

P.S. and how is your self esteem? Just because what you ask re: exes could also indicate a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. And that could in turn be holding you back from a relationship with someone great who is not a bore!

Are people missing the part where he doesn’t think the op should talk to anyone she’s even ever kissed? They sound quite compatible actually. Joking because that’s nuts. Op if you are otherwise happy in this relationship with a boring guy who fancies himself and can’t be arsed with and socialising unless you do one of his hobbies (your dp in your words) then you need to shut this conversation down. How about, I take it all back, you can be friends with whoever you like , why don’t you call them tonight? I’ll give bob or Charlie a call and chat with them In the other room, and make a dinner plan for post lockdown. Insert any of the guys he doesn’t like you talking to)

At any age, it is a good sign when a man can remain on good/friendly terms with at least some of his exes, and he shouldn't need 'a good reason' to do so. Your 'red line' will rule out most of the decent men out there.

After knowing him for a week you started dictating who he could and could not be friends with? And you say he is self-obsessed?

I did miss that. If that's how he thinks, you're both controlling.

He sounds awful regardless, so I'd cut my losses and get out of there.

Release him to his friends 😁 tell him not to return.

I have to say I am friends with several people I have slept with, I’m not sexually attracted to them at all but have stayed in touch as friends, but they are not good friends and if I was in a relationship and it bothered that person I could live without staying in contact with these people, they are not close friends.

I would be more worried by the fact your friends don’t really like him, they obviously care for you as you are their friend and they can see he is no good for you and is perhaps making you unhappy?

OP, you sound very unhappy, with your weird rules, and that you think the numbers of friends you have will dwindle as you get older.
Amongst my friends, that couldn’t be further from the truth.

The ability to make and keep friends is always down to how much effort you’re willing to put into the friendship. It’s not a one-way street and if he’s short of friends, it more likely that he doesn’t make enough effort to get to know people and to be genuinely interested in them.

Sometimes, people are too wrapped up in themselves and only make friends on a very superficial level, which is fine if that’s what both parties want from a friendship.

He agreed to dump his friends because a virtual stranger he'd known for a week told him to. What does that tell you about a person?

It tells me he was agreeing to everything in the 'honeymoon' phase without considering what it meant or because it mirrored his own controlling tendencies.

What OP said in her original post:
when we first met, in the first week, I explained that I had a red line of staying in touch with people you've had a past relationship / slept with. This is due to being hurt in the past and just a general rule I have

What OP now claims she said I said that I think it's odd AT OUR AGE to be close to exes WITHOUT GOOD REASON and that you should move on

Sorry OP, but no way would I continue to see someone who had this redline rule. You can't make such a controlling rule for all future relationships based on a past bad experience. It's controlling and nasty and really immature, tbh. I couldn't really get past this to have any sympathy for the rest of your situation.

He hasn’t got any real friends and that says a lot about a person.

He feels shit about that so he tried to make you feel shit about his ex’s.

This would turn me off massively.

He can also only make friends with new people if they're interested in football or horse racing
He sounds like a complete bore. I don't think you are the reason for his lack of friendships, but it is easier to blame you than face up to his own shortcomings. To be honest the fact he is doing that is a bigger red flag to me than him staying friends with an ex 🤷‍♀️

I'd say the reasons for him being having no friends is less to do with anything you have done and more to do with him being an insufferable prick.