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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He is furious with parents

138 replies

R3ALLY · 05/05/2020 09:45

Hi there. Hope you are all doing ok. My worry is - DH has found out that his over 70 mother who is very high risk for c19 has been sending his father out to the shops . This is despite the fact that the wider family has organised online shopping and is continually Skyping and calling and offering support. She is a person who hates not feeling in control and I think she is just rebelling against the situation. But DH is furious ... wouldn’t call them.. says he will never speak to them again (this follows a life time of less than happy families, but in the past he always swallowed it). I don’t know what to do... I see his point but he is acting out of pure anger and I don’t want my kids never to see their grandparents. AIBU to tell him to swallow it again? Or can I just duck out and let them at it? Any advice appreciated... thanks

OP posts:

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 05/05/2020 10:17

You can't see them now anyway and surely he'll calm down at some point?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/05/2020 10:22

You have to step back. They are his to deal with. Don't overrrule his feelings, ou'll be on the wrong side of that, no matter what the outcome.

Your kids will get used to whatever the outcome too!

Remember your DH has had a lifetime of knowing his DPs. He has been shaped by whatever shit there has been in ther family dynamic. If you step in you may well be robbing him of his choice to disconnect for healthy reasons!

Ask me how I know that would be a bad thing!

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2020 10:22

I have to say I thought they would be doing something far more than simply going to the shops

THere is clearly a very toxic family dynamic going on here for your DH to have that reaction to

Why is she high risk - is it just age or something else? I assume something else as quite a few over 70s are going to the shops

Throckmorton · 05/05/2020 10:25

Don't make any decisions now - give things time to settle

Waitingforadulthood · 05/05/2020 10:36

I understand that your dh would prefer they stay in to protect their health- I don't understand why, if he cares about their health, he would cut them out of his life completely for not obeying his orders. They are vulnerable, they have support if they need it. They are also ADULTS capable of risk assessing and choosing how to protect themselves. You talk about dmil wanting control- she's not trying to control you or your dh, and it's perfectly reasonable for her to have control over her own choices and lifestyle. Yes even now.

I fear that the crisis has left a lot of people ruling the "vulnerable" out as incapable of thought. My grandad is carrying on as normal- I wish he would t , I do not want to lose him, but he's an adult who has decided that he doesn't want his last years stuck inside alone. I have to respect his choice as an adult. It means that even when lockdown is lifted my dc and I won't be able to see his as he has taken an unnecessary risk and I feel as such he could be a carrier at any time. That's my choice.

vdbfamily · 05/05/2020 10:43

so your MIL is prepared to risk her health by sending her DH shopping and your DH is so angry he wants to never talk to them again. I think that 70 year olds are old enough to decide for themselves what risks they take and that your DH should stay out of it. I really do not understand why people are getting so worked up about their parents going shopping. My father says he would prefer to take the risk than remain cooped up for months. I respect that decision. He is only shopping.

BlackeyedSusan · 05/05/2020 10:44

you can't do any thing at the moment other than making sympathetic noises.. he may calm down. or this may be the last straw. who knows. Try to give it time before you believe it is permanent. Maybe it is the right thing, maybe not...

UnfinishedSymphon · 05/05/2020 10:45

My mum's in her 70s but in good health, she's still going to the shops every couple of days despite advice to the contrary...unfortunately I can't stop her. Can't imagine ever saying I'll never speak to her again though.

There must be other issues at play

DateandTime · 05/05/2020 10:45

I think it's DH's behaviour that is disproportionate TBH. If he's prepared to never see them again why is he so worried about them?

Sarahandco · 05/05/2020 10:50

Look some people who are 70 are still running businesses and don't consider themselves too old or vulnerable.

Disquieted1 · 05/05/2020 10:51

Eh?
He's so concerned about his parents' welfare that he won't speak to them again?

They are adults, not children. They're quite capable of making their own decisions without their son being furious with them.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/05/2020 10:51

I think it's DH's behaviour that is disproportionate TBH. If he's prepared to never see them again why is he so worried about them? We have no idea what the family dynamic is.

He does. And it is up to him to work this out!

Alsohuman · 05/05/2020 10:53

Sounds like you’re married to a control freak. Any adult child who attempts to control their parents’ behaviour is destined for frustration and disappointment because nobody’s just going to meekly surrender their autonomy. Anyone prepared to sulk and refuse to speak to their parents again because they won’t do as they’re told is behaving like a toddler. You can’t control other adults, especially the ones who changed your nappies.

Ughmaybenot · 05/05/2020 10:53

The worst thing you could do right now would be to override and disregard his feelings about this, especially due to the fact there’s clearly a long backstory here. For now, at least, I would just leave him to it, and just give it a bit of time.
Chances are he’ll calm down and be a bit more reasonable about it in a few days.. or maybe this will be the straw that breaks the camels back.

MamaGee09 · 05/05/2020 10:59

Your dh is being unreasonable!
When I read the titleI thought they had done something much worse than to the shop !

saraclara · 05/05/2020 11:00

But DH is furious ... wouldn’t call them.. says he will never speak to them again

That sounds a complete over-reaction. Whatever has gone before, this is a very strange straw to break the camel's back.

They're adults. It's great that the family are helping out with online shopping etc, but if something comes up that they need or want, it's their decision whether to risk him going to get it. It's not like he's going to be going for a load of stuff. If they've run out of milk or bread or something, he's going to be in and out pretty quickly anyway.

There's too much infantilising of older people at the moment. My aunite is 91, and she's still going out and about. We've spoken to her about making sure she socially distances and goes to the shops at quiet times (for the sake of other people) but it's not our place to tell her to behave any diffferently from the way we are. She's an adult and can make her own decisions.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 05/05/2020 11:02

Just listen.

He's probably not actually angry about this, but angry about what it represents, his mother's need to control everything.

Just let him be and listen to what he says/rants. Then when he's calmed down, see what he wants to do. If he's not talking to them now, that's probably for the best as he won't say something he'll later regret and the one thing lockdown does give us, is time to think.

sonjadog · 05/05/2020 11:05

Well, if he never speaks to them again, it doesn't much matter what they do, does it? It sounds like he is having a major overreaction here. I would just leave it for now. He will probably feel more rationally about it when he calms down.

Alsohuman · 05/05/2020 11:07

angry about what it represents, his mother's need to control everything

Oh the irony! The apple didn’t fall far from the tree then.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 05/05/2020 11:10

My grandad and my dad (high risk due to medication) are both going out shopping. Its their choice. They don't want to stay cooped up and have free will.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 05/05/2020 11:11

Well your dh sounds very controlling. They are adult. Tell him to stop being so bloody childish and get over himself.

Mrsjayy · 05/05/2020 11:12

You need to let him work this out on his own just let him stew this is a really tense time his dad is an adult his parents are making choices for themselves Your husband will talk to them again he just needs a step back, you can throw everybit of help and support at them you can't make them accept it, btw my parents are exactly the same I get the frustration.

AlwaysCheddar · 05/05/2020 11:14

Your dh needs to grow up.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 05/05/2020 11:14

It's their choice, not his. They have free will and unless they are shielding there is no reason why they shouldn't leave the house.

If my family members organised shopping for me and told me to stay indoors, I'd ignore them. It's my life and I can go out for daily exercise if I choose.

EKGEMS · 05/05/2020 11:14

WeWearPinkonWednesdays How in the hell cab you say he is controlling? They've catered to his parents due to high risk for Covid to keep them ALIVE and he loves and cares for them but oh yeah he's a control freak

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