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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He is furious with parents

138 replies

R3ALLY · 05/05/2020 09:45

Hi there. Hope you are all doing ok. My worry is - DH has found out that his over 70 mother who is very high risk for c19 has been sending his father out to the shops . This is despite the fact that the wider family has organised online shopping and is continually Skyping and calling and offering support. She is a person who hates not feeling in control and I think she is just rebelling against the situation. But DH is furious ... wouldn’t call them.. says he will never speak to them again (this follows a life time of less than happy families, but in the past he always swallowed it). I don’t know what to do... I see his point but he is acting out of pure anger and I don’t want my kids never to see their grandparents. AIBU to tell him to swallow it again? Or can I just duck out and let them at it? Any advice appreciated... thanks

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2020 12:50

It’s hard to know without background, but I know I’d be pissed off if I’d gone to all the effort for no reason.

Depends whether they asked or wanted you to make all the effort, really.

Porcupineinwaiting · 05/05/2020 12:54

@Hadjab the virus wont have gone away in June but there should be less of it circulating in the community in June, at least for a while. So, for a time, going out and about will be fairly low (not no) risk.

gatsbylove · 05/05/2020 12:54

I think that 70 year olds are old enough to decide for themselves what risks they take and that your DH should stay out of it

Exactly. I am in the high risk (shielded) category and I am still going out when necessary (walk the dog, go to shops etc). If anyone in my family got angry about that they would be told to go f**k themselves. It's none of their bloody business. I am an adult and will make my own decisions about my health.

saraclara · 05/05/2020 12:55

passing a very serious virus on to others in not
It is a stupid argument to try and validate in this case being selfish

@SusieOwl4 he is no more likely to pass on the virus to someone than you are. Probably less since the measures the family are taking mean that he is out less than most people, and the only person sharing his household is his wife who doesn't leave the house at all. Providing he is socially distancing he is less likely to pass on the virus than the average person.

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 05/05/2020 12:56

If anyone in my family got angry about that they would be told to go fk themselves.
I am an adult and will make my own decisions about my health.

And fuck the nurses, doctors and NHS staff who look after you when you get sick, right? Awful attitude.

ButteryPuffin · 05/05/2020 12:58

Of course they are able to decide for themselves. But the advice for the benefit of all of us is to stay in. It's selfish not to and being older doesn't change that. Would people say it was fine for 21 year olds who were vulnerable to do this? I think they'd get much more criticism.

TinRoofRusty · 05/05/2020 12:58

I'm sick of this infantilising of old people.

This sums it all up. 'They're rebelling' and you're being controlling, patronising and judgemental. They're adults. Your h's reaction is ridiculous.

Original poster

R3ALLY · 05/05/2020 13:01

Really fascinating to read the replies so thank you. One thing occurs to me... the advice to stay in is to protect everyone, not just the individual, and to make sure hospitals aren’t swamped. If I got it there is a good chance I’d manage at home but if she gets it it’s a guaranteed ICU situation, given her health. It’s not the same for everyone sadly

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AlternativePerspective · 05/05/2020 13:06

I fear that the crisis has left a lot of people ruling the "vulnerable" out as incapable of thought.
This. And as for the “well you won’t think x when you’re dying/you have no consideration for the NHS staff/for your family” guilt tripping that appears to be becoming prevalent, it’s vile and says far more about the guilt trippers than the “rule-breakers” and not in a good way.

Given the DH’s response I’m doubtful that there actualy is a back story,more that he’s a complete control freak and that if he cuts ties with his parents they’re probably well rid.

He needs to grow the fuck up, and people need to start realising that they don’t and shouldn’t have control over others. These people are quick enough to complain that the government are keeping everyone in lockdown,but it’s ok for them to demand that of others?

Porcupineinwaiting · 05/05/2020 13:15

@saraclara that's just not true. Most people with COVID have to manage at home with no medical care. It's only those that get seriously ill who go to hospital.

SusieOwl4 · 05/05/2020 13:15

@Nanny0gg. I was not specifically talking about that age group . I am talking about the whole argument if anyone taking their own decisions about their own lives . Same for younger people .

The poster said they were high risk and there are plenty of ALL age groups in that category .

It’s not difficult , don’t go out if you don’t have to . So if you have someone doing your shopping then just go out for your daily exercise . Perhaps we should have gone the way of spain and Italy and not even allowed that because there are a lot of people who just don’t seem to understand the rules .

We have lost 4 members of extended family and we have a close friend who is a nurse , so yes it does annoy me a lot .

Ponoka7 · 05/05/2020 13:18

@SusieOwl4, how, are they going to pass the virus on, if other people keep away from them? The answer is they won't. It's them that's in danger. Everyone who goes out has a chance of infecting others, if tjey don't follow the rules, so why penalise the elderly? I must say that I've found it's younger men who are happy to risk the lives of others.
Lets apply the same logic to the under 30's who clog up A&E every weekend, lets put them under curfew.

@ButteryPuffin, but we are still allowed out to shop, why shouldn't the elderly be allowed out the same as the rest of the population?

@Porcupineinwaiting, i take it that you didn't watch the Coronavirus Q & As? It won't be June when it's safe for the vulnerable group to come out again. It might be this Summer, but it might not be. The doctors have made that clear. This is what started the campaign by Angela Rippon.

@EveryLifeHasASoundtrack, why is this different than people doing sports, speeding, lifestyle choices etc and putting themselves at risk? Why don't you see those people as saying 'fuck you' to the medical staff? Or are the elderly the only group that shouldn't need the NHS?

Do you know what would solve a hell of a lot of issues? Restricting the movements of men, if we wouldn't do it to them, why can we do it to the elderly?

SusieOwl4 · 05/05/2020 13:18

@AlternativePerspective

Explain this comment in detail please :

“ “well you won’t think x when you’re dying/you have no consideration for the NHS staff/for your family” guilt tripping that appears to be becoming prevalent, it’s vile and says far more about the guilt trippers than the “rule-breakers” and not in a good way”

SusieOwl4 · 05/05/2020 13:19

I repeat I am not talking about the age . I am talking about the attitude.

Itisbetter · 05/05/2020 13:27

And as for the “well you won’t think x when you’re dying/you have no consideration for the NHS staff/for your family” guilt tripping that appears to be becoming prevalent, it’s vile and says far more about the guilt trippers than the “rule-breakers” and not in a good way.. I honestly couldn’t disagree with the sentiment behind this more. The “guilt trippers” you describe have, for the most part, stopped their lives, crashed their finances, lost money and sometimes jobs, cared for children in increasingly cramped and uncomfortable conditions, reduced their exercise, stopped socialising, lost holidays, and all manner of things to stop VULNERABLE people being ravaged by this disease. I think highlighting that your reckless behaviour and wingeing is not just hurting you but the very people the rest of us have given up SO much to protect is perfectly reasonable.

Selfish Selfish Selfish. The problem is not your age or vulnerability, the problem is your dickish attitude to everyone else’s effort.

Original poster

R3ALLY · 05/05/2020 13:29

Just throwing this out here... because I know it’s DH’s POV ... we have three kids, one of whom is missing a very important school year, all 3 are missing school and their friends. We were told to keep them in to protect the vulnerable... so why do we say it’s the choice of the ‘vulnerable’ to do what they want? My daughter is missing specific training that could dictate the next few years of her life and she has no choice.

OP posts:

Original poster

R3ALLY · 05/05/2020 13:30

Actually that clashed with the last post ...

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 05/05/2020 13:32

guilt tripping that appears to be becoming prevalent, it’s vile

So it's vile to say people should follow government health advice now? Get a grip.

Alsohuman · 05/05/2020 13:33

The “guilt trippers” you describe have, for the most part, stopped their lives, crashed their finances, lost money and sometimes jobs, cared for children in increasingly cramped and uncomfortable conditions, reduced their exercise, stopped socialising, lost holidays, and all manner of things to stop VULNERABLE people being ravaged by this disease

No they haven’t. We’re all doing it to flatten the curve and spread demand on the NHS. If that hyperbole was true, vulnerable people would have been thrown under the bus by now. People have done all those things because they’re scared.

kateandme · 05/05/2020 13:37

i get that people are saying we are adults so we make the choices.but throughout all this the very point in your not making a decision for you,your actions now ripple everyone.if everyone took it upon themselves to be "adult" and do whatever they want then we would all be out thinking we are "within" reason,.noone can distacne if we all do that so we will spread the virus.lockdown is lockdown for everyone.and we should be trying our very best to follow that.
if you want to go out no you cant.unless it essential and the more vunerable you are the more that should be followed.
its fucking tough but your actions arent just yours.they will either effect others directly or wihtin days will if we all go out.

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2020 13:40

But how on earth is his father not going to the shops change any of this.

How often is he going - one or twice a week?

Your DH is clearly angry about this situation and clearly has anger issues with his parents and is putting the two together.

For a start you are not told to keep them in they can go out once a week.

Its all about flattening the curve, protect the NHS and our infrastructures.

kateandme · 05/05/2020 13:40

but ask him why he is angry.from within our house i no the anger comes from fear.and actually comes from loving eacohter so we want to keep them safe.so when they go against that we fear for them.he is angry because he loves themand yoiur own family and the risk and fear is huge for everyone.and some are feeling it more than others.remind him why he is angry a them.its because he cares.so allow him to calm down and think through this

MashedPotatoBrainz · 05/05/2020 13:41

We were told to keep them in to protect the vulnerable...

No you weren't. You were told to keep them in to protect the NHS.

TinRoofRusty · 05/05/2020 13:41

Exactly, Alternative. Not just the guilt tripping but passive aggressive harassment has gone through the stratosphere, especially on the part of my generation (I'm 50).

TinRoofRusty · 05/05/2020 13:45

God, yes, a 70-year-old man going out to a supermarket where social distancing measures are in place is so going to superspread virus and ripple out like a meteor hitting Lake Windermere .

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