Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is furious with parents

138 replies

R3ALLY · 05/05/2020 09:45

Hi there. Hope you are all doing ok. My worry is - DH has found out that his over 70 mother who is very high risk for c19 has been sending his father out to the shops . This is despite the fact that the wider family has organised online shopping and is continually Skyping and calling and offering support. She is a person who hates not feeling in control and I think she is just rebelling against the situation. But DH is furious ... wouldn’t call them.. says he will never speak to them again (this follows a life time of less than happy families, but in the past he always swallowed it). I don’t know what to do... I see his point but he is acting out of pure anger and I don’t want my kids never to see their grandparents. AIBU to tell him to swallow it again? Or can I just duck out and let them at it? Any advice appreciated... thanks

OP posts:
Disillusioned4now · 05/05/2020 13:51

@TinRoofRusty Read my previous post. I went shopping ONCE in the past going in 7 weeks and caught corona. Yes there was social distancing in place. I wore a mask and gloves. Still happened. ONE trip out is all it takes. Please don't belittle this. EVERYONE should be doing their absolute best to stay home. But so many selfish people are shopping unnecessarily often because they can't bear to change their eating habits to long life milk!!!!

SusieOwl4 · 05/05/2020 13:52

Esther ranzten on tv just said a good thing on tv . It’s not us that’s ageist it’s the virus .

Once the nhs is back to capacity and treating other illnesses then everyone will be free to take their own risks and take pot luck if there is a hospital place for them .

Alsohuman · 05/05/2020 13:56

I went shopping ONCE in the past going in 7 weeks and caught corona. Yes there was social distancing in place. I wore a mask and gloves. Still happened. ONE trip out is all it takes

You were extremely unlucky. I’ve been doing a supermarket shop every week for the last seven weeks without gloves and a mask with some very dubious attempts at social distancing going on. I don’t quarantine or wash the groceries either. And we’re fine.

TinRoofRusty · 05/05/2020 13:59

Well, actually, Disllusioned, it's now believed you need at least 15 mins. of close exposure with an infected person to contract this, so a supermarket run isn't going to cut it but if you wish to shut yourself away forever eating gruel and drinking water because you're afraid to buy bloody bread and milk, by all means do. EVERYONE should be using their brain and their common sense and making the choices they believe are right for them.

I need to get off soon. I'm out to take a super long walk in this beautiful weather. I live in a rural area, I'll probably see a few sheep. Biggest risk is Lyme Disease.

If you want to sip broth and hide away, by all means do.

Original poster
R3ALLY · 05/05/2020 13:59

It’s not about him spreading it , it’s about him not bringing it home to a person who will 100% need the NHS if she gets it

OP posts:
TinRoofRusty · 05/05/2020 14:01

Unless you've been in contact with Patient Zero, there's no way of knowing from whom you actually got the virus. But yeah, some people are unlucky. I know all about that, much of my adult life has been a shitshow due to some very bad luck. I'll use my own sense to decide what's right for me.

Original poster
R3ALLY · 05/05/2020 14:02

@Quartz2208 but it’s supposed to be about everyone playing their part to protect the NHS isn’t it? So kids miss school and people who are susceptible to the virus try they best not to get it (their role) and are helped with that (our role, by shopping etc)

OP posts:
Disillusioned4now · 05/05/2020 14:03

@TinRoofRusty I am incredibly well fed as it happens. Have you ever heard of a freezer? It really isn't difficult.

Disillusioned4now · 05/05/2020 14:05

Exactly, everyone playing their part. If everyone did their best for the greater good. It's no good saying it's just 'One old man' and 'what's right for me'.......even 1 selfish person could end up infecting others and so on and so forth and it just grows and grows. We should all be doing what's right for everyone and stop being so selfish.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 05/05/2020 14:07

OP, it might be as well for your DH to read the guidelines on shielding:
www.gov.uk/government/publications/guidance-on-shielding-and-protecting-extremely-vulnerable-persons-from-covid-19/guidance-on-shielding-and-protecting-extremely-vulnerable-persons-from-covid-19

There is a section on if you don't wish to shield:

"If you do not want to be shielded"

"Shielding is for your personal protection. It’s your choice to decide whether to follow the measures we advise".

"For example, if you have a terminal illness, or have been given a prognosis of less than 6 months to live, or have some other special circumstances, you may decide not to undertake shielding."

"This will be a deeply personal decision. We advise calling your GP or specialist to discuss this."

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2020 14:08

Yes it is but his anger at his Dad going out once or twice a week seems misplaced.

Normally when there is such anger they are having visits/looking after grandchildren/visiting people/going out on multiple walks

Not two shopping trips a week.

So there must be more to it than just this and his Mum likes to be in control (which I am not sure fits with his Dad going out twice a week).

Is it his Mum wanting the Dad to go out or him just wanting to?

They is clearly a huge backstory without which you just come across badly

TinRoofRusty · 05/05/2020 14:09

Then by all means carry on with your UHT milk. Here's a Star. LOL that one person going to a supermarket is 'selfish' Grin. I wonder what all these Dementors are going to do once the restrictions start being lifted, because they will.

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 05/05/2020 14:15

why is this different than people doing sports, speeding, lifestyle choices etc and putting themselves at risk?

Confused Someone that has an accident whilst doing a sport for example doesn’t pass their injuries on to a doctor that treats them. So the staff have to treat them but are not put at risk of dying themselves.

AlternativePerspective · 05/05/2020 14:15

But shielding is for your personal protection and therefore it is a personal choice.

The difference between people saying they’ll do what they want is people wanting to go to the beach,the park, have picnics in the fields therefore potentially spreading the virus. A shielded person going to the shops isn’t doing anything that everyone else isn’t allowed to do.

Besides which the shielding criteria is a farce,because multiple people have had letters from the government based on pretty innocuous conditions,and many with conditions who should be shielding haven’t received letters,including at least one transplant recipient I know of. So shielding is an advisory not an order.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 05/05/2020 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lyralalala · 05/05/2020 14:16

You say in your OP that it come after a lifetime of unhappy families and he's always swallowed it

Everyone has a tipping point.

My brother tells everyone I went NC with him because he tipped up a Monopoly board and a piece hit DN. He also tells people that I went NC with my siblings because they told me I'd be ridiculous.

That's not the case at all, but what to some seemed like a relatively minor incident was, for me, the final straw in a lifetime of his temper and lack of remorse.

People tend not to want to cut off their parents for no reason. Give him time to calm down, but please don't underestimate how a lifetime of someone's selfishness can build up.

AlternativePerspective · 05/05/2020 14:20

But people not shielding aren’t any more likely to pass the virus on to others.

Shielding is for the individual’s own protection. If they choose not to shield then they are only putting themselves at risk.They’re not putting others at risk any more than the people who aren’t shielding. By that logic everyone should be shielded at home for twelve weeks....

Alsohuman · 05/05/2020 14:23

Just gets my goat that the older generation today (65s to 80s particularly) wont see that they are the direct cause of the superfast excelleration of society's problems with their attitude. Then they blame the younger ones for copying their behaviour

Can you explain the difference between a 50 year going shopping once a week and a 70 year old going shopping once a week in spreading the virus? Same shopping trip, same exposure, different date of birth. How is one going to accelerate the spread more than the other?

And, no, people won’t “be told”. Would you?

TinRoofRusty · 05/05/2020 14:32

'Swinging 60s'? My parents are nearly 80 and 84, they were married with children in the 60s. They don't need to 'be told' anymore than they ever got me told after I became an adult who supported herself. Hmm

AlternativePerspective · 05/05/2020 14:34

So we have blatant ageism now, even to the point that posters aren’t dressing it up they’re being blatantly hateful towards the older generation.

Hmm wonder what their kids will be saying about them when they’re adults...

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/05/2020 14:38

I suspect that rather than ageism or infantilising them OPs DH is angry with his mum for sending his dad out shopping when it isn't necessary.

She is the one shielding. The family have rallied round and arranged a lot but she, despite not going out herself, is sending her DH out... for no reason her kids can fathom!

If that has been her pattern of behaviour for his whole lifetime the OPs DH is probably really angry with her for putting his dad at risk, and his dad for continuing to enable her.

It won't be as simple as "Oh oldies stay indoors!"

TinRoofRusty · 05/05/2020 14:40

She's hardly forcing him to go. He's an adult and going of his own free will.

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 05/05/2020 14:47

But shielding is for your personal protection and therefore it is a personal choice.

But a shielded person who chooses to go out is more likely to need hospital treatment if they do catch it. Is this fair on the NHS staff who gave to treat them? Or potentially others who have to carry on going out to work as they’re not in a shielded group, they risk not getting a bed or not getting the treatment they need as quickly should they need hospital treatment because the shielded people couldn’t be arsed to stay home.

Alsohuman · 05/05/2020 14:51

But a shielded person who chooses to go out is more likely to need hospital treatment if they do catch it. Is this fair on the NHS staff who gave to treat them? Or potentially others who have to carry on going out to work as they’re not in a shielded group, they risk not getting a bed or not getting the treatment they need as quickly should they need hospital treatment because the shielded people couldn’t be arsed to stay home

Presumably the government thinks it’s entirely fair or it wouldn’t have made it clear it’s a matter of personal choice.

NeverTrustASmilingCat · 05/05/2020 14:56

What's the point not talking to them if you won't tell them why you aren't talking to them?