He is furious with parents

[R3ALLY]

Hi there. Hope you are all doing ok. My worry is - DH has found out that his over 70 mother who is very high risk for c19 has been sending his father out to the shops . This is despite the fact that the wider family has organised online shopping and is continually Skyping and calling and offering support. She is a person who hates not feeling in control and I think she is just rebelling against the situation. But DH is furious ... wouldn’t call them.. says he will never speak to them again (this follows a life time of less than happy families, but in the past he always swallowed it). I don’t know what to do... I see his point but he is acting out of pure anger and I don’t want my kids never to see their grandparents. AIBU to tell him to swallow it again? Or can I just duck out and let them at it? Any advice appreciated... thanks

@lemontreebird
I'm sick of this infantilising of old people.

Quite. And as there is no consensus of what constitutes 'old' can we use 'older' as that covers all sorts?

OP if their relationship isn't that good, why is he so upset? And it's for your FiL to say No if he doesn't want to go, surely?

Oh my goodness I really don’t understand how people are seeing that this comes across as controlling.
The issue here I don’t think is the fact he’s angry because he’s ‘lost control’ of the situation
It’s because he and the wider family have gone out of their way and to such effort to make sure his mum doesn’t get ill and they’ve effectively thrown it back in their faces. I too would be pissed off, and if it’s not ‘happy families’ anyway it probably would be enough to tip me over the edge.
They are being stupid risking their own lives whilst everyone else has rallied around trying to avoid this happening, it’s complacency on their part and I don’t blame your DH for being pissed off tbh!

My parents are the same. Dad is extremely vulnerable but they wouldn't fill in the government online form and mum continues to go to the pharmacy and shops once a week. We have tried but that's what they want to do. We are exasperated but not angry. His reaction seems out of kilter.

Your husband is being a controlling bully. His parents are adults and it's their risk to take. Threatening to not see them again for not obeying him is so worrying. Does he control other people's movements and actions?

And yet BAME people and the obese are equally at risk of dying from this virus. Replace old with black, brown or fat and see how it looks.

Is his dad meant to be shielding?

If you are sheilding, those living with you can still leave the house.

I really think your husband needs to calm down.

Everyone is under more pressure and has more concerns at the moment. Its weighing heavily on everyone.

Hopefully, he will see sense in a few days.

My in-laws are in their seventies and have some underlying conditions, and are still going to the shop. They've been offered help, but don't want it.

To be honest, I think it's good for my FIL to get out of the house (MIL struggles much more and stays home). He walks down to the shop, gets some fresh air, has a chat with people and comes home. That's it. They don't have internet so online shopping is impossible and don't want to have other people choosing their food for them!

EKGEMS, because he doesn't get to dictate what another adult does.

She could die of natural causes in the time it takes to build up herd immunity via a vaccine.

We let people of prison under the same circumstances.

Can Mother's of sons under 25 tell them that they aren't allowed out in rough nightclubs, risky holiday destinations, or on a motorbike? because all of those things carry a higher death rate.

What about childbirth? That's still 8% death rate. Can we lock our children away so they don't try drugs etc?

Why do we get to do it to people who are at a good age for a natural death?

It continues to shock me how so many people's attitudes on here are so casual to coronavirus. 'It's only shopping'....I am 30 years old with hypothyroidism and chronic fatigue syndrome although the majority of the time I now function as a fit and active healthy person.....I live alone and have been in lockdown going on 7 weeks....I have been out food shopping ONCE 4 weeks ago and caught coronavirus. ONCE was enough, and 4 weeks later I am still absolutely wiped out unable to go for a walk, tidy the house or work. I feel absolutely awful and useless. It baffles me that people think running out of milk and bread is justification for going out every 3 days. You can easily live without bread and buy long life/almond/oat/soy milk etc. In a pandemic like this we do not need every food we have a fancy for. Do people have no self control any more? I'm sick of lying here with this illness reading people belittling it and making out that people's concerns are an over reaction. OP your DH has every right to be angry. If people would take this seriously and stop bleating about how life isnt perfect and we should all be allowed to do whatever we want - to hell with our own health and to hell with putting others at risk also - then so many people would still be alive. You can't argue 'they're adults it's their own decision'......by doing this they put others at risk, that shouldn't be their decision. It sounds like they have plenty of support and food - there is no need and no excuse.

This from @Porcupineinwaiting
It's up to them whether they want to take risks or not, and up to him whether he wants to continue dealing with them or not. Telling someone to keep swallowing their negative feelings about their parents just to keep the peace is wrong.

@saraclara the whole point of the straw that breaks the camel's back is that it isn't an obvious or necessarily proportionate thing.

If there is a backstory OP then leave him to figure it out. DH has been very low contact with his family for a long time, for good reason, and when others try to interfere to get him to up contact it is frankly not their place.

All very interesting thanks. My feeling would also be that it’s their call, even if it’s the wrong call. I’m going to stay out of it as much as I can. Am dreading her ringing me to find out why he’s not calling ...

I don't understand why if people are high risk everyone thinks it is ok for them just to take a risk.

It is not just about them ?
Its about spreading the virus - the less trips - the less exposure - the less risk of spreading it . Shops are the last place you want to be if you are high risk .

there were still 15000 extra people in hospitals that did not need to be and the death rate is still high - and our poor nurses and doctors are still having to cope with it .

Its not just about the individuals making what they think are informed decisions FGS!

And then after all that they will probably blame the government if they fall ill

I know someone with this attitude who ignored the rules and has now passed it on to two families - one who has a member of that family with cancer - is it just them who will bear the consequences ? No it is not .

this follows a life time of less than happy families, but in the past he always swallowed it

It sounds like he’s just had enough and this is just the thing that’s finished it for him. I think it’s his decision and you should back him on it.

@Ponoka7

there is no comparison with things like risking your own life on a motorbike because those things do not affect the WHOLE community .

Risking your own life is one thing

passing a very serious virus on to others in not .
It is a stupid argument to try and validate in this case being selfish .

Am dreading her ringing me to find out why he’s not calling ... Tell her you don't know. Don't try to mediate, no matter how much you might want to! That she will ring you gives you an idea of why he has lost perspective!

This may, as others have said, be his last straw! You have to support him through that process, let him work through it for himself.

My DM is in the same category and DF still pops out to the shop for the paper every day (they have prepaid for it and it would be a waste otherwise )
He still goes to ASDA once a week to do the grocery shopping too.
They don't have to go out at all and could shield like they are supposed to, they have plenty of family within a 5 mile distance who would shop for them.
Have I or my siblings stopped talking to them, no.
They understand the consequences and DM knows that she will not survive C-19 nor will she ever be able to go out into the general public again. I think that they are doing the best they can in the situation.

My mother is 84 and going out once a week or so. I do her shopping but she will occasionally walk to the local shop for top up milk or bread. I could get them and have done but she goes very early and incorporates it into a little walk.

She has been stuck at home with dad who has dementia for seven years and this is the only mental health release she is getting right now. Who am I to say she can’t.

They are being stupid risking their own lives whilst everyone else has rallied around trying to avoid this happening, it’s complacency on their part and I don’t blame your DH for being pissed off tbh!

@summerfruitssquash genuine question, those at risk have been told to shield themselves until June - then what? The virus won’t have gone away - are they to lock themselves in for another 12 weeks, then another, then another? At some point, we will have to emerge from this cocoon, as long as the FIL is observing social distancing, etc, is he anymore at risk now then he will be next month?

She is a person who hates not feeling in control and I think she is just rebelling against the situation

But her rebellion is making him feel out of control and so he is reacting to that by rebelling and not speaking to her. So although it seems OTT to us, it is his learned way of reacting to a situation where he is out of control.

It may help him if you can gently point out that whilst you sympathise with his frustration, he has learned this patterns of behaviour from her, and that it's OK to be out of control sometimes. It's frustrating, but it's OK to let other people get things wrong.

And if MIL phones to ask you what's going on, be gentle but honest.
You could just say that he's busy or you could be honest and say he's really worried about her because of FIL going to the shops and he isn't going to come on the phone and have a row or upset them.

HTH

@ProtectAll No they are NOT doing the best they can in this situation. That is exactly my point. Going out for a paper every day and going shopping once a week is not the best they can do. Particularly when they have other options like online delivery or family support. If people weren't so selfish saying they NEED to go out for bread, milk coz god forbid they learn to live without it or use alternatives or they HAVE A RIGHT to go out if they want, people would not be dead. DEAD - they are not coming back. Is milk and bread or preference to be outside more important than someone's life? If the whole country pulled together and did their BEST PROPERLY - not going for pic nics and shopping constantly whilst screaming that it's ok because of 2m distance - then things would have gone a lot better. I think the majority of people have acted disgracefully and selfishly and should be ashamed.

I don't understand why if people are high risk everyone thinks it is ok for them just to take a risk.

Apparently it's fine if older people behave inconsiderately and you're being ageist if you point this out. Her chances of survival if she gets it are not good. He's tried to help. I can see why he's annoyed, especially since there's clearly a backstory of family difficulties.

Plus all the posts about him being controlling - OP said he's saying he won't speak to them again. That's his choice, surely? It's something he'd be advised to do if he was posting on Stately Homes.

Everybody is taking risks all the time

The sheilded haven't been forced to stay in their houses. They have been advised it.

Shielded people live with people who work. Its a risk.

Shielded people, still have the legal capacity to choose for themselves.

We may not like or agree with it. But there it is. If he doesn't want to speak to them again, thats his choice.

But I get the feeling this is him using himself and the kids and an emotional bargaining chip, to force them to do as he wants.

@Hadjab I totally agree, but what I was moreso pointing out was the fact that the OP’s DH and his family have done everything to avoid them having to go out and I think that’s why he’s annoyed, not so much that they have done it.
It’s hard to know without background, but I know I’d be pissed off if I’d gone to all the effort for no reason.

Risking your own life is one thing

passing a very serious virus on to others in not .It is a stupid argument to try and validate in this case being selfish .

The over 70s are no more likely to spread the virus than anyone else. And if they are for example, female and have no underlying health conditions they are less at risk than the obese, men in general and BAME people

over 70s have been advised to "sheild" for 12 weeks

No they haven't, @Mrsjayy
Shielding is only for those with health conditions that make them vulnerable. My 91 year old aunt has not had a shielding letter, and has no specific condition that makes her vulnerable.