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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is furious with parents

138 replies

R3ALLY · 05/05/2020 09:45

Hi there. Hope you are all doing ok. My worry is - DH has found out that his over 70 mother who is very high risk for c19 has been sending his father out to the shops . This is despite the fact that the wider family has organised online shopping and is continually Skyping and calling and offering support. She is a person who hates not feeling in control and I think she is just rebelling against the situation. But DH is furious ... wouldn’t call them.. says he will never speak to them again (this follows a life time of less than happy families, but in the past he always swallowed it). I don’t know what to do... I see his point but he is acting out of pure anger and I don’t want my kids never to see their grandparents. AIBU to tell him to swallow it again? Or can I just duck out and let them at it? Any advice appreciated... thanks

OP posts:
P1nkHeartLovesCake · 05/05/2020 11:16

His parents might be elderly but you know what they aren’t fucking children and if they want to go out they can. I do really hate this oh poor elderly too stupid to think for themselves.

Your dh needs to get over himself

RainMustFall · 05/05/2020 11:16

Your DH's reaction seems a tad extreme. If he cares about their actions so much that would demonstrate concern for them, which doesn't compute with never talking to them again.

Or is it that he's a control freak and is angry that they aren't doing as they're told?

Unless they they are mentally incapacitated, they are entitled to do as they wish.

thenightsky · 05/05/2020 11:20

There certainly is a very angry and controlling person here and its not your mother-in-law.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 05/05/2020 11:22

"his over 70 mother who is very high risk for c19 has been sending his father out to the shops"
If your MIL is "very high risk" because of a health condition(s) then your anger is misplaced. You refer to her liking to be in control and feel she is being rebellious but you haven't commented about your FIL and he is the one who is going out and putting her at risk. He has a voice. He can just say no to her.

It will all blow over. Your DH must be angry because he is worried about her dying and never seeing her again if she catches Covid-19. Stopping seeing them would be the same so I don't think that is what he really wants.

Seaweed42 · 05/05/2020 11:29

Is your DH ok about it, or does hia family issues take up a lot of airtime in your house? Is it the anger and bitterness he is displaying to you that is hard to cope with?
If he is fine and relaxed and happy then just put it out of your mind.

diddl · 05/05/2020 11:30

I think that you need to leave them to it.

If he stops speaking to them for this (unlikely I would say), why would that mean that the kids would never see his parents again?

Original poster
R3ALLY · 05/05/2020 11:35

Thanks everyone. Just to clarify she has a medical condition that puts her in the highest risk category. (Severe respiratory disease). Not sure if that makes a difference!

OP posts:
Mo81 · 05/05/2020 11:36

My parents are very high risk and both ignoreing shielding. (My dad is going shopping for elderly neighbouts)Yes it annoys me but at the end of the day they are capeable adults they understand the risks and its there choice to make. I understand your husbands annoyance and likely fear but we can not parent our parents. Let him deal with this in his own way you do not need to follow his lead cx

CallmeAngelina · 05/05/2020 11:37

How does never speaking to them again marry up with his supposed concern for their health?

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 05/05/2020 11:37

Even with the medical condition she is still an adult! She can think for herself, she can do what she likes

RandomSelection · 05/05/2020 11:37

It's one thing being concerned about their health and voicing that concern, but saying he will never speak to them again is way over the top. They are not children and they can weigh up the risks to their physical vs their mental health themselves.

My mum is 74, my stepmum is 70 and my dad is 82 (and very vulnerable), they all go out. I worry about them, but as we say in our family "They're big enough and daft enough to make their own decisions!".

Jeezoh · 05/05/2020 11:38

They’re adults and able to make their own choices, your H’s reaction is way OTT.

viewfromthecouch · 05/05/2020 11:42

It seems rather disproportionate: she might get sick so he'll never see her again! What....?

I think your DH has to cool down before you can try to talk to him about this rationally. His mother isn't doing anything 'wrong'. She's not going to the shops, and presumably her husband is taking precautions when he does. They don't have to rely on deliveries or others if they don't want to. A lot of people feel like that, especially in families that will then lord it over them re all the help they've provided.

lemontreebird · 05/05/2020 11:42

I'm sick of this infantilising of old people.

Mrsjayy · 05/05/2020 11:44

Lockdown is just awful not everybody is jumping about to joe wicks and making ticktok videos like it is the school holidays this is actually shit ! So emotions are going to be abnormal and amplified, I think this is probably happened to your husband.
TRy and not think too far ahead and just think about today it might all blow over and he is speaking to them by the weekend.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/05/2020 11:44

Is he scared of his DM dying? I don’t mean because of COVID but more generally. Has the virus forced him to face his parents aged and mortality head on and he is panicking.

Ultimately, it is up to them. He is infantilising his parents and as a parent I would be pretty pissed off if my DC do that to me in 20 years time (I am 50). They are adults and they are free to make their own choices.

Porcupineinwaiting · 05/05/2020 11:48

It's up to them whether they want to take risks or not, and up to him whether he wants to continue dealing with them or not. Telling someone to keep swallowing their negative feelings about their parents just to keep the peace is wrong.

RainMustFall · 05/05/2020 11:48

I'm sick of this infantilising of old people.

Me too - that and the rampant ageism on here - it's shocking. No other 'ism' would be tolerated on here.

I can reassure everyone that barring mental incompetence such as dementia, we do not lose our capacity for decision making once we hit 70.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 05/05/2020 11:53

Your DH needs to grow up a bit and stop throwing a tantrum because his parents won't do what he wants.

I'm high risk because of an underlying condition my DD wouldn't dare dictate to me what I could and couldn't do. (Probably because she knows I'd go straight out and do the opposite, being the contrary old sod I am.)

Porcupineinwaiting · 05/05/2020 11:54

Just because you are over 70 doesn't make you a saint. Many people over 70 are arseholes - age isnt some sort of miraculous cure for that. If the OPs dh has had enough of his parents, he's perfectly entitled not to speak to them. Maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

Candyfloss99 · 05/05/2020 11:54

You husband sounds very controlling. Be careful.

TooTrueToBeGood · 05/05/2020 11:56

Sounds to me like your DH is the one with controlling tendencies here, less so his mother. He's spat his dummy and is huffing like a child because his parents are daring to exercise free will.

Astrabees · 05/05/2020 11:56

My mother used to say the worst thing about getting old is that everyone thinks they can tell you what to do. One of the great freedoms we enjoy is that of being free to make bad decisions. I'm afraid if my children start trying to tell me how to lead my life in 7 years time I'll threaten to disinherit them!!

Mrsjayy · 05/05/2020 11:57

Tbf over 70s have been advised to "sheild" for 12 weeks it isn't ageism tobe concerned about people of course other "isms" are all over mumsnet

Stronger76 · 05/05/2020 11:58

@R3ALLY (this follows a life time of less than happy families, but in the past he always swallowed it)

This sounds like the icing on the top of a very big cake. I'm in the same boat as your dh and I'm starting to feel like cv - a worldwide pandemic which is forcing unprecedented life adjustments upon billions of people - is finally a good reason to say 'no more'. No more BS, no more power trips, no more guilt trips, no more everyone busting a gut to help you out if you throw it back in our faces. Let them get on with it OP, support your dh in getting out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) around his parents.

I appreciate everyone is emotionally on edge at the moment. I'm finding I'm consumed by my own parent's behaviour, and it is horrifically affecting my own mental health. No more.