Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

You can respect and empathise that it must be incredibly difficult for all involved in this situation @cansu doesn’t make people ‘arses’ just intelligent and reasonable. It’s hard to deal with an autistic child as a parent and neighbour all normal and reasonable. That’s a very ignorant remark to make.

You can put anything you want on your side of the fence so it does not touch theirs so another fence with trellis or a net on the top ?

At least that would stop one problem .

They sound like pricks. You have tried to resolve this with the fence and your son has a social worker. Any complaints they make the council will consider this and that you have tried to make reasonable adjustments and mediated with involved professionals.
Id absolutely ignore from this day forward to be honest. Maybe keep the expensive balls for your walks or inside x

Dear screechywah, I had the same thing with neighbours and them spreading negativity about me to other neighbours. I told them 3 or 4 times he had SEN. It made no difference. They were and still are 15 years on so ignorant. They believed it was our parenting probs.

My DS is now a fine young man mostly grown from his difficulties. My neighbours are still awful. It's hard all round.

Lack of empathy to disability is astoundingly common and unless you experience it, you wouldn't believe it.

You are doing everything you can for your son and it will pay off.

@Bbang it's neither intelligent nor reasonable to burst a child's toys. It's vindictive and petty and deeply immature. They don't like his behaviour but their falls way short of neighbourly and they don't have the excuse of severe autism. They lack empathy. I have no respect for people who can't sympathise with a parent struggling with a really tough situation.

Offer a compromise. Come up with a schedule so you can all have use of your gardens. If they aren't happy offer to grow some nice big conifers to stop the balls going over and tell them to complain to the council about the noise. As for the other neighbours, ignore them. If they are the gossipy type that would stop speaking to one neighbour based on what another says then you should avoid them anyway.

By the way, only way I cope now with their rudeness is to utterly blank them unless there is a reasonable issue to be resolved.

It's difficult but from your neighbour point of view they've had enough.

Your child is impacting on them using there garden .When it's your child you are far more tolerant than if it's someone elses .

It's one of those difficult situations no ones fault but no real solution . I would be pissed off it someone (your SW ) told me to go to the expense and put a bigger fence up . Could it of escalated from that if a fence is solution that should be done by you not them.

Bbang
I disagree. Many people have made statements about how difficult it must be for her neighbours; how she should keep him indoors as much as possible; how she should stop him playing with his sensory balls on the trampoline and should instead install a swingball; how she should go round with a card and wine and thank them for being so understanding etc etc. A child with severe developmental delays, non verbal and severely autistic cannot simply be talked into playing in a different way or with a different toy. They likewise can't be punished into compliance. The OP is dealing with a hellish situation and actually her neighbours and in fact everyone's sympathy should be with her and her poor ds whose world has been turned upside down and he has none of the tools to understand or manage this. The OP has offered to raise the height of the fence, install netting and has had her child's social worker talk to her neighbours and they still behave with intolerance and opposition. They are acting like arses and if you can't see that then my unintelligent view is that you are also a bit of an ....

Rwalker, the neighbours have behaved badly. Noise is,annoying. A child chucking balls is not. They should have empathy.

Offer to pay or part pay for fence though

I'd check what height you can put a fence up to and put one up on your side and add a net to it as a pp has said. They don't sound like considerate neighbours themselves sorry you are having to cope with this in lockdown. Another pp suggested contacting the council re heights etc I would do that. Good luck OP

Well done candy. Haven't read. People on here do not understand demands of autism? Haven't read. But it is not good enough. Makes me cross.

@ellanwood well then it’s a good job I never said it was intelligent and reasonable to burst a child’s toy then isn’t it?

Please don’t twist my words it’s very silly.

To be explicitly clear for everyone else I do not condone the bully boy actions of these neighbours with the sending round of men to intimidate and the deliberate destruction of a disabled child’s property. I do not agree or understand them, and I feel that it is cruel and bullying behaviour that personally I would keep a record of and report as necessary.

I do however have empathy for the neighbours that may be struggling with feeling like they can’t go outside because they never know when another item will be thrown at them or how long they have to endure the screaming and shouting for, that must be deeply unsettling.

I do also and mostly empathise and really feel a great deal of sadness for OP she has clearly done her level best and has been left to fend for herself without any support. She must be exhausted and very worried.

My previous posts echo the same sentiment if anyone feels the need to read them, like I said above OP speak to the council, put up your own boundary, report them for the destruction of your property and try your best to ignore them.

They sound awful , he can't help it he's autistic ! It's sheer ignorance , tell them you Bill them if they pop his ball nasty arseholes ! Sorry your neighbours are horrible , we had a child with down syndrome live next door to us when it was just me and my husband he was the sweetest loveliest title boy I've ever met , I wanted to keep him ! he did make a lot of noise but it never bothered us , we brought him birthday and Xmas presents and little gifts in general he was a little ray of sunshine 🌞 X

I'd talk to the Neighbourhood copper who might be able to suggest something. Like DS in the garden when they're out for a walk.

I feel sorry for all of you. You're battling to keep DS stable, against the odds, and they're battling to stay sane against a wall of very loud, very unnerving sound.

The awful truth about SEN behaviour is that if it's not fair on the DC, it ain't fair on anyone else either. But both sides need to make an effort to cope with the fallout.

I have been more in the position of your neighbours and it was scary. I was at home alone while the DCs were at school. I was recovering from a serious health problem. A teenage boy was in my garden with coverall type overall on and a face mask and helmet. He had an item which he was banging off the outside walls of my house and whacking around with. This item was something I know that is often used by the gangs to cause severe injuries. I was terrified and the last thing I needed was to get in a panic. I called the police and then I was told that the boy had special needs and that I should be more tolerant. When the DCs got back from school I told them what had happened and they decided they were not happy and went to the police station where in school uniform they told several police officers of increasing rank that they were not having their mum being terrorised by anyone and that it must never happen again.

There are two sides to everything. My DCs have the right to go to school and not have to worry about their mum being frightened at home. This boy was from several streets away. I wonder how those police officers would have felt if they had had to tell my DCs that I had dropped dead in terror because of what went on at my house.
You might not know if your neighbours have had heart attacks or high blood pressure or some form of PTSD. Their sons may have been as worried as my DCs.

Children with an EHCP are entitled to a school place, I think you should appeal to them.........your neighbors sound disgusting by the way. I'll send the kids that live next door to me over, the little shits scream all day and so far today I've had an open, half full tin of tuna thrown over and various bits of fruit.

I wouldn't even register a disabled child throwing a bit of toast, I'd just be grateful I wasn't in that position anymore.........it could be worth writing a letter explaining your situation and posting one to each neighbor. Could be enough to shame the fuckers at least

Should have read as cansu.

They lost my sympathy at popping balls and refusing to let Op take steps to put netting up. Noise and objects flying over a boundary is intensely annoying and yes they deserve to use their garden unimpeded, but it's clear Op is trying to work with them to resolve the issue and instead of collaborating they're destroying her property and threatening the council?

They clearly don't want an actual solution, they just want to moan about how hard done by they are. They're arseholes.

come up with a schedule so you can all have use of your gardens

Seriously? As much as I sympathise with the OP, I sympathise with the neighbours too and think that asking them to use their garden as per a schedule is a bit much.

I feel sorry for all concerned

Sounds like a very difficult situation as I had no doubt they are quite reasonably at the end of their tether.

Put a taller fence/net up on your side, and perhaps try and make an indoor trampoline space perhaps with balls, those pattern lights that often help, and you could even line the walls with something to help reduce noise transmission.

That sounds very much like a padded cell reading it back, but you know what I mean.

Some suggestions seem destined to initiate a full blown dispute that will need to be disclosed on a sale!l

TheBouquets what on earth are you on about ?

The ops ds didn't go into the neighbours garden and wasn't wielding anything..........they're pissed off at the existence of a disabled child and have refused help to alleviate the issue to stop things going over the fence.

What a nightmare op, especially when the garden is so essential at this time. I have ds4 with ASD and his whole day revolves around shouting, screaming and aggression in his play. My neighbours (around mid 60's) are absolutely lovely when I've been over to apologise about the noise - nothing but understanding and kindness from them.

It needs someone who has been there to experience how hard it is to try and quieten down some children with Sen: much of the time their poor working memory or executive function means that the conversation about noise will be gone from their memory within an hour or two and they will revert to exactly the same level of noise. It really is such a hard situation and you have my sympathy.