Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

Zero sympathy for such nasty neighbours. No I can't 'see it from their side' as they have been offered solutions to their problems that they have turned down.

Op put up your own netting to hell with them. Let them report you

Have you explained to them about his condition. Maybe drop a bottle of wine round with a note , apologising for the noise while you understand they are confined in in the stressful situation , and thank them for their understanding.
It may go a long way in helping them understand rather than criticise. I have an autistic son and I'd hate to live next door to me frankly

I can see both sides. I’m my last house there was a lad with severe autism and he’d be on the squeaky trampoline for hours, chanting, in all weathers. I couldn’t sit my living room as it was so distracting. Constant wailing and screaming when he was indoors. I felt for his parents, one of the main reasons we moved.

I would print off some educational material about autism and post it through their door

^^ this is a good idea.

I have two sons with ASD, although not as severe as your son, from your description. Our now 15 year old used to throw all his toys over the hedge. Thankfully our neighbour, a quiet man on his own, would throw them back. The neighbour behind us, however, is an intolerant twat and used to blame all the wrongs in the world on our older son.

Sadly, even people who know someone with autism, don’t understand it’s a spectrum and will make judgments on parenting if the behaviours are different from those of the person they know.

If your neighbours allow you to chat to them, have a (socially distanced) conversation to agree a compromise. Remind them that routine is essential for your son to relax and he’s not getting that at the minute. Put the (non sensory) ball in their court to come up with some solutions to discuss. Failing that, do what another PP said and post info through their letterbox.

And post through a printout of the cost and benefit of the sensory balls while you’re at it!!

Also, ring his school and talk to his teacher. He/she might be agreeable to a few Zoom sessions a week or allow you to borrow some sensory equipment from school to use in “school” time so you can introduce a more normal routine for him.

Do you have a social worker? Haven’t they checked in with you? If not, get into them! They may be able to offer support.

None of my ideas may suit you but do know that you’ve got support here.

Lots of sympathy for you, OP. By refusing your and your social worker's suggestions of solutions, popping his balls and sending 3 adult children round to intimidate you, they are clearly in the wrong. Neighbour's kids make lots of noise near me, that's fine, it's their gardens too! I also get lots of nerf gun bits & the odd ball, which i throw back. I think people like your neighbours should move to the absolute middle of nowhere, and if they can't afford to, should suck up the normal mild annoyances of other people's lives (like my elderly deaf neighbour's TV for us! It's fine - I could only afford a terrace, I'm incredibly glad of my lovely house, and don't want to deny her the right to watch TV - but would drive some intolerant people insane.)

Hate the noise and behaviour of your child maybe, rather than him?

TBH, I'd be pretty irritated if I had a garden I couldn't use because of constant screaming and dodging toast and balls being thrown.

Agree with PPs on limited periods in the garden, or only when you're there - nipping to answer the door or go to the loo are shortish, but cooking or preparing meals might mean he's there unsupervised for a long period.

Lots of sympathy to you, OP.
People criticising you for allowing your son to eat toast in the garden!
You need to ask for help: threatening to send their adult sons to have words with the mother of a disabled child! Outrageous. Please ask your social worker, or your local Covid support group or local PCSO to assist you with negotiating with this family.

They sound really horrible

Awww OP I don't quite know what to advise but YANBU .

Sorry if I've missed something, but surely he would be at a special school, which should be open?
Not to say I think the neighbours are being reasonable, they sound awful.

Hard for both. Must be very hard and draining for you, but equally draining for your ndn at the moment. Everything is amplified a thousand times over during this virus. We have neighbours with three very noisy primary age children and never an issue, but now it kind of grates as it’s constant. Obviously when not in lockdown people are at work or school or out visiting people/places. But now we are at home all day every day 24/7 you’re there alongside each other constantly, and so the noises and the chucking over the fence of objects has probably just got too much. They’re not behaving great, but just try and empathise with them a little bit - no one knows their situation; they might have health issues themselves, mentally or physically.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay

What a horrible post.

And the neighbours deserve zero sympathy if they're unwilling to allow the OP to sort out the boundary and stop engaging in criminal behaviour.

I assume if your son is normally on a special school that he has an EHC Plan?

I think you need to contact the LA and ask them what provision can be put in place as your son is not coping at home. Although the Coronavirus Act 2020 has temporarily amended the absolute duty to make the provision in an EHC Plan, to a "reasonable endeavours" duty, the LA needs to do what it reasonably can to put provision in place. It is not an option to do nothing.
Information here.

www.ipsea.org.uk/news/ipsea-update-on-covid-19-school-closures-and-sen-provision

And I would certainly complain to the police about the damage to the sensory balls. The arsehole neighbours need to understand they are damaging specialist equipment, not just a cheap football.

OP I have what they call a double fence, so my fence runs alongside next doors and is about a foot higher. You can contact the council and find out how high the boundary can be and put your own up, the neighbours can object to this but they cannot stop you. All you’ll loose is a few inches of garden. Quite a few people have said this now.

jumpforfun.co.uk/product/trampoline-play-roofs/

This could be of use for the trampoline. You say water is another of his happy places could you fit a hot tub in your garden? You could apply to family fund for one? That might give him a bit of chill out time.

You do have to try and limit the disturbance to your neighbours wherever you can. Swingball as said upthread is a good idea they do a kicking one too.

Could you set up a ball pit in his room. A dry paddling pool with loads of those soft play balls.

Other than that you need to limit balls to indoors only. And anytime he throws something deliberately over next door you take him back inside.
I have 2 with asd i know it's hard I do but you can't keep doing nothing and expecting other people to change their view

You don't need their permission to put up a net or fence as long as it doesn't touch theirs.

Please look at what @Ellie56 has posted - my son's OT is still working full time in special schools in SE London which have remained open to pupils. Our neighbour's son is going to school 3/week to a specialist dyslexia school.

Screechywah
Please ignore all the arses on here talking about how hard it must be for your neighbours to hear your child shrieking. Maybe people can consider how hard it is for you to cope with a child who is severely disabled 24/7 with no support and no activities open for him to use.

I have been through this. It is a nightmare and it very nearly almost broken. You have offered to make thefence higher; you supervise him outside. There is nothing else you can reasonably do.

I would however speak to the school or email them, copying in your child's social worker. Your child is vulnerable and is entitled to a school place regardless of whether you are a key worker. You need to draw their attention to this, explain the difficulties you and your son are experiencing and ask for a place. If they say they can'ttake take him due to numbers, ask for at least three days a week. Be assertive and don't feel guilty. There is a reason why these children are entitled to a school place during this crisis. Schools may not be keen to take them all, but they need to step up here. There will be others who choose not to send their children as their children are not a challenge behaviourally but your ds needs the structure.

I feel for you as it is just awful for those with these kind of disabilities right now. Your neighbours can do lots of things to cope with their isolation; you and your ds cannot. Unfortunately all the clapping for carers in the world does not make people less selfish and less intolerant.

Put up your own fence on your own property.

Don’t answer the door to their sons. They are bullies.

Speak to the council re high fencing and if needed apply for planning permission which with supporting documentation from social worker is likely to be approved.

Stop giving him loose balls in the garden, park/field only. Even a trampoline is a bit dodgy for a suburban garden.

Buy him a swingball.

I have 2 with asd i know it's hard I do but you can't keep doing nothing and expecting other people to change their view

It isn't as if the OP hasn't tried to offer solutuons; the neighbours have objected to them.

And nothing excuses them popping the balls like petty thugs.

OP, you make me realise that we have good neighbours.

Yes, both sides have trampolines and young girls who scream and shout whilst using them, during lockdown, all day long ... One side has a football mad teenager whose ball keeps coming over our fence ... The other side ignore social distancing so have visitors at all hours, many on bikes or cars with seemingly faulty exhausts ...

And we put up with all of that because they put up with the noises made by our 10yo autistic son playing in the garden and indoors. They've never once complained. They have all seen our son get picked up by a special school bus. They understand, and they sympathise.

Incidentally your local authority should have somewhere that your child can attend as school/childcare during this time, they would qualify as a 'vulnerable child'. And is your respite definitely closed? Ours isn't.

are all the parks closed where you live.
they are all open round here, greater london.
if you could find somewhere where he could let off steam, away from the garden, that might help.
i can see both sides.
it can actually be dangerous and certainly put one's nerves on edge to have random missiles coming into a garden. one does feel under attack. even if it is not done deliberately, it is still hazardous and very annoying to have to feel on guard all the time, unable to relax.
could you not let him have anything throwable while he's in the garden.

3 possibilities that might work

Fruit cage poles and netting www.firsttunnels.co.uk/spare-accessories/fruit-cage-netting, 2m height is standard but looks like you can get higher. It allows light through and is temporary (not concreted in) so I don’t think is classed as a boundary.

This company specialise in nets www.huck-net.co.uk/nets-ropes-and-cordage/garden-netting_19394/area-confinement-netbarrier-net_9100, give them a call and see if they can help.

Badminton net raised above the height of their fence, again temporary and lets light through.

On your side of the boundary can you put up some high netting that doesn't block their light but will catch the balls and send them back into your garden? People who complain about balls coming over the fence are tossers. Our neighbours' son is football mad. I'm out several times a week digging his footballs out of our shrubs!