Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

Your neighbours are cxxts
I would write to them and apologise but reiterate he is disabled and can’t help his behaviour

Do they actually know he is autistic?

TabbyMumz Her neighbors are hardly stuck as much as this poor Mother-she has a child with severe SN-it sounds like she has to keep her head on a swivel at all times and is trying her damned best vs her jerky neighbors who are far from tolerant or understanding or kind

I had some very slight sympathy with your neighbours (more with you and your son though) until I read about them popping balls etc.
They sound like arseholes with no compassion.

You must be exhausted, OP. No advice, just my sympathy for what sounds like a really hard situation.

I don’t think the neighbours are being fair in destroying the toys, but as some of the other posters have said, your neighbours are probably struggling with the noise and disruption and unlike you, they don’t love your son.
A few years ago I ended up in hospital ill with exhaustion after several months of sleepless nights. My neighbours had three children; a newborn baby and two children with SEN. The constant screaming, crying, banging, etc broke me. I was very sympathetic to the parents who had carers plus support from the grandparents, and only complained once (which is when they explained their situation). It affected my work, I failed an exam, and twice I thought I was going to fall asleep driving. I scraped the money together to break the lease, and the landlord wasn’t surprised that I left. I heard from another neighbour that the mother eventually had a breakdown. I know the parents were suffering more, but the neighbours do deserve sympathy.

Even a trampoline is a bit dodgy for a suburban garden

Wtf really?! Our neighbour has a trampoline and it doesn’t bother us in the slightest. But then, we aren’t miserable, po-faced gits.

I do totally get that living next door to a disabled child can be frustrating, but in the current lockdown I'm stuck.

As are they - it sucks all round

They sound absolutely charming! I think I’d pop round the next time they pop one of the balls and tell them you’re going to report them to the police for criminal damage.

Op you need to put up netting parallel but not attached to the existing fence. Contact your social worker and the council and get them onside and supporting you.

I also think you need to take as much advantage as you can of the allowance for Sen kids to go outside more than once a day.

@Screechywah I heard a similar case where a football club hit footballs into a garden and the lady was so fed up she donated them to charity and she ended up having to pay for all the footballs she donated. Your neighbours are destroying personal property, not only do they have to return it but I believe you can claim for destruction of property.

Excuse me whike I tick pots of fast growing bamboo off my bingo chart. That's really going to help op through lockdown.

I'm also wryly amused at the idea of "allowing" a severely autistic child to stim. Mine's like the duracell bunny without an off switch, sometimes.

Practically, in the short term, OP, if they're going to be lost for good, the expensive toys and balls can't go in the garden.

Longer term, improve the fence, even if it means building a new one on your side of the boundary.

It's also worth looking into setting aside a quiet indoor area for some more calming sensory activities. The sensory diet for ds2's class at school does include rebound therapy and treadmills, for all the movement and strong physical feedback that's craved, but also includes hydrotherapy (OK, can't be replicated at home, but I did used to dump Ds2 in the bath when everything was getting a bit too much) and TAC PAC which is all lights, sounds and gentle, soothing sensations.

I assume the neighbours are fully aware that the OPs son has SN, because the social worker has spoken to them.

Can the social worker speak to your son's school OP? Or do something else to help?

OP apologies for not reading the whole thread but I think you should speak to either Social Services or the Head of your childs school.
My child special school shut initially but has now started to open for respite days. We get one day a week at school for our daughter with ASD. But we had to fight for it. And I think you should fight to. Tell them how bad things are, tell them you need support and make a pain of yourself.
If you had some respite and support, you might feel more robust to deal with the neighbours.

Above 2m I'm pretty sure you do need planning permission (especially if they're planning to make a fuss about it)

You could give a planning officer a ring and just ask what the chances are of being allowed some ball netting - I've found them very helpful in the past.

The pitch near me just has a pole at each end of the road side, and the net loosely strung between - completely effective, minimal installation, you barely notice it unless you know to look for it, and I suppose you could even hoist it up and down at each end like a flag on a flagpole if it was set up correctly.

Or I wonder if you could get away with a lightweight cricket cage instead? It's a bit expensive - a couple of hundred, but I can't imagine you'd need planning for it at least.

Some people are just bastards. I am livid on your behalf.

Them popping a disabled childs sensory ball when they refused for you to get a higher fence...... your neighbours are horrible people. I feel so sorry for you and your son. How much are the balls? Have you got an idea of how much money they have cost you? I would be phoning the police everytime, is it not disability discrimination?

I feel your pain but as other people have said I wonder if your neighbour could be suffering as well?

I've got a friend who gets on very well with their neighbour but spends every sunny day unable to cope waiting for the banging on the fence and the items coming over to her space. It’s not knowing when it could happen that puts her completely on edge

I can’t see how they can stop you putting tall netting on your side, especially as it was recommended to you. I’d put the netting up and wait for their complaint to be thrown out

OP my son is practically the same as yours, near enough the same diagnosis and age. My son also makes lots if noise when out and at home.

Your neighbours are assholes. Put up a higher fence your side that you own and some netting above it to catch anything.

Use your garden as much as you like. Don’t answer the door to there adult sons as they are clearly trying to intimidate you. Just ignore the door.

If they go ballistic at you over a small bit of toast just tell them to fuck off and then throw a loaf of bread over the fence slice by slice (joking obviously ).

Honestly just don’t pay attention to them.

On a side note, can your son continue to go to school ? Mine is still going full time as he has a ehcp and none of us are vulnerable so I made the choice to send him in.

Is that an option for you?

It can't be great for your neighbours to have things constantly thrown into their garden, but they do sound pretty obnoxious - sending 3 adult men to 'warn' you is pretty intimidating dating and bursting your child's sensory balls is just unnecessary.
I don't think you will ever persuade them to be reasonable.

I have 2 autistic children and thankfully my neighbours are amazing with them. I find because they look like everyday kids some people don't see their disability so assume they are just naughty. Your neighbours sound like arseholes

@SoldiersinPetticoats - I just read your post that your only getting one day at school currently. Every location seems to be so different! My sons sen school was open right from the start and he’s been going full time as normal. Transport still pick him up and drop him off.

Not sure how anyone can side with the neighbours when one of their main complaints is stuff going over the fence yet they won't agree to the practical solution that's been put forward. That's just spiteful.

Somebody in your neighbour's situation asked a similar question on a local chat site.

They understood that the child couldn't help it and wanted to discuss the situation without insulting/angering her. I'm not saying that you are this Mum or that you'd be angry if approached btw. You are clearly trying to do your best.

I think that the best that you can do is guarantee a time when he'll be indoors so that they can have peace and quiet in their gardens. Until he's back at school, they will have to suck it up during the day.

I may have had a semblance of sympathy for them RE noise if they weren't being such horrible arseholes.

Popping a disabled childs balls?
Sending three adult men to your door?
Gossiping about you to neighbours?

I have an autistic child, it is clear to neighbours that he has a disability. I live with the worry that we'll get a noise conplaint because when he has a meltdown it is horrific. I have been here three years and not one person has so much as given us a dirty look. Your neighbours are cruel.

Given your description of DS I assume it's pretty clear he has a disability too, so they can't plead ignorance.

I hope the next ball he throws hits one of them square in the face, and if I were you I would be reporting the criminal damage of his sensory toys to the police.

I don't think they'll look favourably on your arsehole neighbours.

I'm sorry OP, you are a better person than me.

@Aridane

Tolerating noise, toast and sensory balls in your garden is in no way the same as trying to contain a severely autistic child. Posters saying this demonstrate they have no clue what the demands of caring for a child like this are.

If a kid next door is making noise you can do any number of things to block it put or distract yourself. We all live in a society, and if you choose to live in a property with neighbours you accept you might live next to a loud ASD kid. Or a baby with colic, or a screamy 4 year old.

The OP has suggested things to help and has been responded to with malice. They're vile.

If it was my kid I'd put it all in writing, including my offer of the fence and a request not to destroy property needed to soothe and occupy him.

The parks situation varies by local authority. In Durham, our parks are open, so you can walk through them, but all the play areas are closed and padlocked shut because they can't be kept clean.