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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Neighbours hate my autistic child

438 replies

Screechywah · 04/05/2020 17:58

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

OP posts:
Footywife · 04/05/2020 21:13

Unfortunately, hard drugs.

SunShine682 · 04/05/2020 21:14

@Footywife - well it would probably solve the majority of your problems with the kid staring as if the parent gave a shit and wasn’t a druggie she would probably try and stop the behaviour and some of the shouting and tantrums could probably be avoidedHmm

1moreRep · 04/05/2020 21:15

i can see how difficult it would be to have a shrieking child next door who hurls balls/ food etc. Your neighbours are understandably upset and angry at this.

however, as you have explained, none of this is behaviour is naughty or down to bad behaviour, he has a disability and you're just trying to survive. They should have handled this better and that is their fault not yours.

if it was me i would have spoken to you and let you pop the nets up. that is the right thing to do.

they may also be under pressure or grieving so id try to build bridges just for an easy life.

you are doing a great job, please don't doubt yourself

okiedokieme · 04/05/2020 21:15

Put up wire fence/netting your side do he can't throw things into their garden and restrict his time in the garden to 3 x 30 mins per day between 10am and 5pm so they aren't constantly disturbed but also he gets some time. I have a verbal autistic dd and I know her behaviour was very annoying to the neighbours, but they need to be able to express themselves too (she copes far better now but she still plays instruments at antisocial times, doesn't make us popular)

Coffeepot72 · 04/05/2020 21:19

Just seen another poster suggesting the neighbours be given a time slot to use their garden - why would this ever be acceptable?

Beautiful3 · 04/05/2020 21:22

I'm so sorry to hear this, sending you hugs. You are working so hard looking after your son. I would install a higher fence on my side, so there would be 2 fences side by side. Nothing stopping you from doing that.

SuperMumTum · 04/05/2020 21:27

I like the idea of sinking the trampoline so he can't get as much height. Is there other ways to tire him out? Running laps of a local park? Swingball? Drive somewhere more remote and take a long walk?

jackdawdawn · 04/05/2020 21:29

That's awful, I am in the same boat with an old lady next door who is self-isolating. Everyone is in that locked down, pressure cooker mindset at the moment, the annoyance of everything is amplified, but holy God, a special needs child needs to be treated with understanding. Don't your neighbours understand that he has nowhere else to go? I have three boys, the eldest autistic and also at a special school - I understand the throwing! They do grow out of it though. (though my son still tries to throw tennis balls and sticks over the roof of the house....) They have no right to take the sensory balls - goodness it is not as if he is throwing stones.

My neighbour threatened to call the police last week because one of my other boys had propped a bit of wood up against the fence and one half of it was rubbing against her tree. Another neighbour bangs the window if the kids take a ball into the street. My sympathies OP - there are some bloody bad tempered people out there - no wonder so many children are overweight and confined indoors nowadays.

AmelieTaylor · 04/05/2020 21:30

@lemonsandlimes123

What exactly do you think is going to happen if you throw the balls back over the fence then wash your hands?

I'll tell you.

NOTHING - other than having clean hands! And that's coming from someone currently washing their shopping!

@Screechywah

I'm sorry you have this additional stress caused by your stupid, selfish, neighbours. Utter cunts bursting his balls.

They have NO say in you putting up high mesh in your garden as long as you don't fix it to their fence. There's plenty you can buy with the posts - if you can afford it. I just don't know what other option you have re the balks ?!

But as for his non verbal noises - that's just tough. It's certainly much less anti social than their noise 🤷🏻‍♀️

Does DS not have a EHCP? If he does you have the right to send him to school don't you?

Btdp · 04/05/2020 21:32

Footywife, have you reported this to social services? Apologies if you already have but it would be the first thing I did if that was happening next door to me.

I understand the frustration but I would be channelling that into getting the poor child help

AmelieTaylor · 04/05/2020 21:33

@Coffeepot72

Just seen another poster suggesting the neighbours be given a time slot to use their garden - why would this ever be acceptable

Jesus wept. Nothing to stop them using it 24/7, this is just a suggestion for a time slot they can use it without the OP's DS playing in HIS garden. It's a kind gesture, stop trying to twist it!

Hopeisnotastrategy · 04/05/2020 21:42

This is a first, it’s the first thread I’ve ever wished there were a “Nobody is being unreasonable” option.

They might be a little more patient possibly, but I think everybody is under a lot of pressure at this time, and that’s why things are starting to fray, or fray more. You’re in a very difficult position, put up some ball protection on your side, try and keep him calm and just do your best for now. That’s all any of us can do. 💐

biglouis · 04/05/2020 21:43

Sounds like your relationship with your neighbours has completely broken down,

Calling the community police and asking them to have a friendly but firm word with next door should be your next step. Dont forget to tell them about the destruction of your property, your offers of compromise and their sending round three males which made you feel threatened and vulnerable. The police can then advise that they are breaking the law by their behaviour and that legal consequences could ensue.

Your next step if this has no effect would be a legal letter setting out the law re harassment and disability discrimination under the Equality Act.

I would also enquire of the local authority as to the planning laws in respect of fences. And be prepared to finance your own fence to which you can attach netting as appropriate if that is permitted.

Fidgety31 · 04/05/2020 21:46

I feel bad for my neighbours sometimes - my son is 11 and has autism and he screams a lot !
We live in a mid terraced house so the neighbours must hear everything !

Hedgehog44 · 04/05/2020 21:52

I can't offer anything helpful but I want to hug you xxxx

maggiso · 04/05/2020 21:55

This must be a very difficult situation for you all.

Our social worker for our much older disabled son told it was ok to go out up to 3 times a day if needed during lockdown to meet his sensory and physical needs- don’t know if this is a local rule. We are also allowed to drive a short way, if needed to access a quiet place to run around. Can you check if there are special rules locally too? Could you ask your SW for a carers assessment for your needs - in case some kind of emergency respite can be arranged. I know it’s very limited at the moment. I presume the local toy library ( who may have bigger equipment like a trampoline surround or tent) is closed?
I’m sorry I can’t think of much else!

What2dohere · 04/05/2020 21:56

I would print off some educational material about autism and post it through their door.

I would strongly advise against doing this, it's well intended advice obviously but would only inflame matters.

Peppafrig · 04/05/2020 21:56

I feel so sorry for you but I can see it from their point of view too. With everyone stuck at home it's up to you to stop the balls going over multiple times a day. They will just be wanting to enjoy their garden without the constant getting hit by balls.

Footywife · 04/05/2020 22:00

@Btdp They already have heavy social services involvement. It's heartbreaking seeing the lack of parenting, but it's been going on for years now and if social services are happy then who are we to argue.

snappycamper · 04/05/2020 22:09

Baffled by all these posters sympathising with your neighbours. What a bunch of bellends.

quarantinevibes · 04/05/2020 22:17

I’m shocked at the people sympathising with the neighbour! It’s not tough for both sides. It’s a child with a disability fgs have some compassion! Clearly a lot of people on here don’t know anyone severely autistic.

Gimmecaffeine · 04/05/2020 22:19

@Peppafrig did you read the part where they aggressively refused a taller fence?

Such bizarre attitudes on here. As if it's as easy as saying "please DS, no balls outside" Hmm.

I couldn't give a fuck if sensory balls and toast were in my garden, especially knowing my neighbour was enduring lockdown looking after a high needs kid.

Peppafrig · 04/05/2020 22:23

Yes I read the part about the fence. They are obviously not reasonable people and bursting of balls is not on. But I do have sympathy for people getting their personal space invaded with balls, soil and food . Day in an day out. Can't you sympathise with them at all? They can't exactly go else where to escape it. Lockdown is hard on everyone .

Gimmecaffeine · 04/05/2020 22:35

Can't you sympathise with them at all?

No.

They rudely rejected a not-cheap suggestion by the OP and have harassed her, and have destroyed the balls out of malice. If they were that bothered they'd have bitten her hand off.

And in the world as it is, I really couldn't get worked up about balls, soil and food. I'd just be happy it wasn't me parenting an autistic kid in lockdown.

Lifejacket · 04/05/2020 22:40

I haven't read all the comments so apologies if this has been suggested. In addition to an additional fence keep a diary and log everything, inform your local community support officer (police) and ask them to report it as a disability hate incident or hate crime. Your son is classed as disabled and you and him have protections in law. Your neighbours are idiots. If it continues ask the police to have a word and log that. This could obviously raise tensions but it may also bring it home that they're being idiots. Thinkthe letter to all neighbours is a pretty good idea too although you may find a few decide to reply both positively and negatively but it will also show that you've tried to work with them/ explain.

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