Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

A child with severe developmental delays, non verbal and severely autistic cannot simply be talked into playing in a different way or with a different toy. They likewise can't be punished into compliance

Exactly cansu

Im surprised some people seem to have no idea of this aspect. A friend's sister is going through very similar difficulties with her autistic son. He's now 15 and big built. Much bigger than her. I don't know how she copes.

OP your neighbours won't get anywhere with complaining to the Council. & What do they, and others who lack understanding (it's easy to look up some info!) think - That having an autistic child means you can and should be relegated to live in the middle of nowhere? That you can snap your fingers and your child will stop his noise?

I get that noise is very, very upsetting to live with. But in this case it simply can't be helped. You cannot do anything about autism. The best you can do is get some netting up along garden fence, and then ignore them.

Unfortunately I think whatever you do they'll complain and be offish because they want you out. So thats something else you'll have to live with alongside the stress you are under.

I wish you well

Im really sorry this is happening to you.

I had some sympathy with the neighbours, until the posts about them a) popping the balls - that's just spiteful, and b) refusing any solution that would mitigate the issue (such as a higher fence or net). I appreciate having a shouting child next door might disturb their enjoyment of their garden, and that having stuff launched over the fence must be very annoying, but to refuse any solutions, even when you've had the situation explained by a social worker? GET IN THE SEA.

I think unfortunately there are still people who don't understand - or worse, don't believe - in SEN or autism. They just think it's a naughty child, or bad parenting - or think that if a child is that disabled, they should be kept out of view.

I hope that you can find a solution, OP.

Your neighbors popping the balls is fucking awful OP. I'd have a good long talk with them.

I can't see two sides here either - the neighbours turned down a suggestion that would help and are popping expensive sensory balls. They are horrible people. I feel for anyone with DC with complex needs when the support structures are not in place.

I can see both sides tbh. We have a neighbour whose dog barks all the damn time and then another neighbour who child shrieks at the top of their voice in the garden. This doesn’t bother me too much as it’s usually on very hot days and not for too long. However if I was living next door to a child who was shouting, throwing things in my garden etc all day then I think I’d lose the will to live. I feel for you but In the harshest way, you being unable to control him shouldn’t be your neighbours problem. We’re all trapped in our homes, some working from home and deserve that bit of peace too. I’d limit outdoor play (not harshly) but not allow him to play out all day. I’d also install a net or something to stop things going over. Your neighbours so sound like arseholes eg refusing to install a taller fence but I think there’s things that can be done on both sides to meet a happy medium for everyone.

Does your son like swimming? I knew a little boy with Autism who used to spend hours upon hours in the swimming pool in the summer, he loved it though I know it’s not a one size fits all.

People are such wankers sometimes. Yes, it might be annoying for them, but tough- it'snot for long. It's going to affect your son and you much much more to be cooped up in the house all day. A chat and a time slot for the garden might work, but if they're the kind of people who pop children's footballs/ sensory balls, then maybe not worth it. I hope they realise they're being totally unreasonable and apologise.

Sounds like you are doing a great job and garden is so necessary for you son to play, exercise and relax. You need to look after yourself and son and they can go inside if they want quiet - maybe stop giving him his balls outside if the are expensive and they are being mean - could you get a weighted ball or balloons ?

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo special schools that can stay open for key workers are running on skeleton staff. I'd love Ds2 to be back in school but it ain't happening.

It's really unfair for everyone to jump onto the neighbours here. We have an autistic child next door. Unfortunately the mother is a drug addict which doesn't help, but everyday the noise is horrendous....shouting, screaming, temper tantrums. We've had to tilt our blinds the other way as the child sits and stares through the blinds for hours on end, and when we sit in the front garden the child perches next to the fence and will stare the whole time we sit out. We fully appreciate the difficulties that come with autism, but it's really unpleasant for us and a massive invasion of privacy. I'm currently working from home and it's really difficult to concentrate with so much noise.

I know my case is slightly different as the mother is a drug addict who doesn't actually 'parent', but having an autistic child doesn't mean everyone else has to just put up and shut up.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo What I am on about is that although SEN children have a disability they can inadvertently do damage to other people. I did not say OP's son did any of the things that were done by another boy at my house. What I am saying is that other people have their problems too and the last thing my health needed at that time was me being terrified by someone and putting my DC through extra stress after just getting their mum back from a very serious, often fatal or life changing, illness.

I can't believe some people have voted YABU! . Good luck

@PussyWillowPeach - did you miss the part where the op has said about installing something on the fence like a net to stop the items going over and the neighbours refused ?!

How can you have sympathy for someone that won’t help solve some of the problems and instead actively refuses something that would help!

OP this is an awful situation for you. There was a mum in a similar situation to you on the Today Programme (R4) this morning who made it very clear how impossibly challenging the lockdown is when you have a child with complex needs.
Haven't RTFT but I can see some useful suggestions about putting up netting, which would address the practical problem of the balls not being returned but won't fix your neighbours attitude.
Someone mentioned talking to PCSOs and I would encourage you to consider this. I've known of cases where PCSOs have been really helpful to people with awful neighbours.

@Footywife - your neighbours autistic son isn’t even comparable to the OP situation. It’s not slightly different at all... your problem is having a drug addict as a neighbor!

I feel for your with such horrible neighbours. They sound as thick as shit, so they may not understand why your son behaves as he does, even if they have been told.

Your son's social worker should make an appointment with them and sit down and explain your son's condition to them, very clearly and in detail? S/he needs to make it clear that you are doing your best, but he needs the extra support he's not getting at present because of the Covid crisis.

And have you told the social worker they sent their three sons round to complain to you? That sounds like threatening behaviour. You should be getting more help to cope with neighbours like those.

Living in a built up area you have to accept that balls will come over and if they dont like it but dont want the solution of a net you are never going to please them.

We are a really noisy household with 4 children. One of the eldest has loud, sweary, screaming meltdowns (yet to be diagnosed asd, I’m pretty sure) and our neighbours are wonderfully tolerant.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I think you may need to become more strongly assertive as they’re being really unhelpful regarding you offering solutions (the fence).

Could you put up a high fence, not on their fence, but with a gap between? If you could afford it, maybe a sort of canopy like they have in nursery schools, to cover some of the garden so things don’t go over. Bamboo, as pp have said, or those trees that grow super tall super fast!

I’m sorry you’re having such a stressful time. You sound like a great mother with lots of understanding for your child.

They are total dicks.

I can't believe there are so many people defending your neighbours and their unpleasant, intolerant, bullying behaviour. I think the PP who mentioned disability hate crime wasn't actually too far off the mark.

"They told her it was above the council height for boundaries and would report me if I put it up."
Your barrier can be up to two metres high: www.planningportal.co.uk/info/200130/common_projects/20/fences_gates_and_garden_walls
You could contact the council planning department if you want to double check, but please don't just believe your neighbour's empty threats. I think your best option is to put up your own fence alongside theirs (ie not attached to it), and make it the maximum permissible height of two metres.

I also suggest that you do the following:

• write a friendly note to your other neighbours, in surrounding houses, explaining that your son has disabilities and is struggling, apologising for any disruption and thanking them for their understanding
• write a letter to your unpleasant neighbours asking them to stop destroying your son's balls when they are accidentally thrown over the fence, and advising them that if they do it again, you will pursue them for the cost of all the balls they have destroyed. Also ask them to stop harrassing you and your son or you will report them for harassment and disability hate crime.

@SunShine682 Gosh! Yes! Must make sure I don't have a drug addict as a neighbour. That will solve everything...

Op apply the the council to put up the net, with your own poles on your property. I'm sure under the circumstances they will accept! Then the neighbours can report it to the council all they like!

I don’t think some PP have read OP’s posts- if he’s going a strong throwing arm and is capable of launching stuff the height of the house, increasing the height of the fence to six foot is going to achieve fuck all.

Some suggestions have been really diplomatic, but tbh it sounds like the relationship with the neighbour is fucked at this stage, so I’d be involving the police. From my POV refusing to allow op to install nets etc and then deliberately damaging any (clearly specialist) property that ends up over the fence is bordering on harassment due to op’s son’s disability. I’d be calling the community police to ask them to have a friendly word.

For what it’s worth, my parents are in the neighbours position. The boy next door is severely affected by his ASD. It was one thing when he was small, but he’s 14 now and built like a brick out house. They’re woken at 3am by doors banging repeatedly, shouting and running around on wooden floors upstairs. He started throwing toys over the seven foot hedge, which has progressed to garden furniture now he has the strength of a man. He even ran round the back of the house while mum was in the garden and locked himself in their dining room for an hour.

Mum and dad say nothing, despite being very behind-the-times in dealing with Or talking about disabilities. Because they know however annoying or challenging it is having a deck chair land on the lawn while they’re out doing the weeding, it’s nothing compared to what his parents are trying to cope with for the other 23 hrs 59 mins of the day.

@Footywife a drug addict who does no parenting, in charge of an autistic child?

Jesus that makes me sad.

When you say drug addict do you mean hard drugs? Like heroin/cocaine? Or cannabis?