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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not called my sister to check it was OK to call

295 replies

surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:11

My sister moved to Australia a few years ago. Speaking on the phone is more complicated due to the time difference and we've never managed to be in at the same time unless it's prearranged. So now we prearrange calls via email/ whatsapp. We have been speaking perhaps every 4 months.

She had an op in November. relatively major but all went well. We had arranged a phone call for about 2 weeks after he op. She was at home after about 3 days, but obviously it's very tiring to have major surgery and she also was sometimes experiencing pain so she was far from fully recovered. Phone call was 'booked' for a Monday morning. She asked if I could whatsapp her on the Saturday to check she was still on for our phone call on Monday. I said I couldn't as I was away for the weekend with my OH. We go away once a year, to spa hotel for the weekend and as we have no family support it is the only time all year we get time away from the kids (I do a swop with a friend who is in the same position as us to make this happen). I said I would just call on the Monday and if she was free we could talk and if she could not pick up because she was tired or did not feel up to it we would just rearrange.

The call did not go ahead (she cancelled it) and she has blanked me ever since (cancelled every phone call I tried to book since and not initiated contact with me at all). When I contacted her to talk about this she said she was put out that I'd not been happy to whatsapp her on the Saturday. She has not contacted me at all in the last 6 months now and as far as she's saying, this is the only reason why.

Was I being unreasonable in saying I wouldn't whatsapp on the Sat to see if we could still talk on the Monday? I don't think so but I would like to hear other's views in case I need to wobble my head.

OP posts:
ACupOfCoffee · 03/05/2020 14:15

Because this type of emotionally complicated relationship can take a lot of time and energy to process and disengage/disentangle from.

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 03/05/2020 14:15

So why are you now bothered that she doesn't want to keep in touch?

The query here is more about whether I've done something wrong by not agreeing to her request to whatsapp her to check she was still OK for the call. I would like contact with her if it could be mutually supportive but in reality I think if it's not, it's toxic to me and something to stay away from. The issue for me is making sense of whether her request is reasonable or part of a toxic pattern. It seems to me that her asking is maybe OK. My suggesting an alternative solution which recognizes her need to be able to guilt-free cancel the call at short notice if her health does not make it possible to go ahead, but also recognizes my need to have a proper break over the weekend seemed like a win win to me. But she wanted to focus, I think, on her needs in the situation at the possible expense of mine.

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/05/2020 14:15

Weekends I'm free from 11 at the earliest. That is often after 9pm in Oz and my sister does not like to talk that late. She does expect people to fit around her and send emails calling them selfish and rude if they don't.

I mean the evenings at weekends. You said you aren't home until 6.30 which is middle of the night in Australia. But surely at weekends you are free at different times?

It's all moot anyway. She's decided to go no contact. You can't do anything about it can you?

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 03/05/2020 14:16

I mean the evenings at weekends. You said you aren't home until 6.30 which is middle of the night in Australia. But surely at weekends you are free at different times?

My afternoons are her night time.

OP posts:
ACupOfCoffee · 03/05/2020 14:21

I also suspect it wouldn't just be 1 WhatsApp. If the OP sent something the sister would expect an instant reply when the sister deigned to answer, so OP would need to keep her phone with her. And why should she use the headspace? The OP had one weekend away from everything with her husband, why should the sister get to interrupt that (and was the demand for tye whatsapp made before or after the sister knew she was away?)

I also suspect that if the OP had sent the message on Saturday, and the sister replied not to phone on Monday, then she may well have taken umbrage at that, for then not checking again whether to call.

I'm sorry you're going through this @surprisinglyordinary. It does sound as though your sister is emotionally manipulative towards you and it is no surprise you're feeling confused and upset.

You were not being unreasonable for not WhatsApping on the Saturday.

brassbrass · 03/05/2020 14:21

hearhooves you were weirdly argumentative on another thread as well. What is your problem?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/05/2020 14:22

surprisinglyordinary

If you are asking only about the WhatsApp message then yes, I think you were wrong. You seem to trying to find excuses as to why you couldn't do it - at the spa, might forget, wanted s proper break - but these are just flimsy excuses. You could have set a reminder on your phone, sent the message as soon as you woke up which would not have impacted on your weekend at all and then she would have read it at her convenience. You trying to justify it with silly excuses looks pretty really. You should just have said for her to message you if she couldn't take the call, otherwise you would phone her as planned.

But, clearly, this message isn't what this is about. It's just become the focus of the problems in your relationship.

Accept that the relationship you want with her doesn't exist and maybe just leave it now. Carry on sending cards at Christmas and birthday and see what happens?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/05/2020 14:24

My afternoons are her night time.

Right. So aren't our nighttimes her mornings? Why couldn't you phone during the evening at z weekend?

TemoraryUsername · 03/05/2020 14:29

She had a request which you were free to agree to or decline. You declined (and I would too, that amount of admin for a phone call with a family member is exhausting and I understand the desire not to be obligated to contact others unnecessarily when you are having a weekend of special downtime. She put the responsibility on you when she could have set herself a reminder to text you if she was no longer up for the call.

She's being ridiculous, especially the sulking about it for 6 months. An adult should be able to have a conversation about it and let it go.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 03/05/2020 14:30

To be honest, I think you're making excuses for not keeping in closer contact. If you wanted closer contact, you'd make it happen. But you don't, so it doesn't.

My bestie lives in Melbourne. I have contact with her almost every day and our kids Skype each other pretty much every weekend. When you want it, it's easy to do it.

ACupOfCoffee · 03/05/2020 14:31

You should just have said for her to message you if she couldn't take the call, otherwise you would phone her as planned.

But the OP did say that (or at least she'll phone on Monday as planned, and she'll leave it to the sister whether to pick up the phone), it just wasn't on the Saturday when the sister requested.

brassbrass · 03/05/2020 14:33

think you're making excuses for not keeping in closer contact why is it all down to OP? Presumably you and your friend put in the same amount of effort?

ACupOfCoffee · 03/05/2020 14:33

@surprisinglyordinary

I think you've hit the nail on the head here:

"The issue for me is making sense of whether her request is reasonable or part of a toxic pattern.

It seems to me that her asking is maybe OK.

My suggesting an alternative solution which recognizes her need to be able to guilt-free cancel the call at short notice if her health does not make it possible to go ahead, but also recognizes my need to have a proper break over the weekend seemed like a win win to me.

But she wanted to focus, I think, on her needs in the situation at the possible expense of mine."

12stepCAKE · 03/05/2020 14:35

You are both hard work. Since when do people book calls in with family. Surely you just call and they either answer or don't for whatever reason :s

ittakes2 · 03/05/2020 14:39

She sounds like hard work - asking you to WhatsApp her Sat to check it’s ok you call Monday? Nah - it would not even occur to me to ask such a thing. She should have offered to WhatsApp you to confirm phone call going ahead. My family are in Oz - it’s not easy but also not as hard as she is making out.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 03/05/2020 14:40

why is it all down to OP?

I didn't say it was all down to the OP. But she's the one who's here making excuses for not bothering and having an issue with her sister for no longer keeping in contact. It's pretty clear that there's no relationship here beyond the obligatory keep in touch, prearranged phone call, every blue moon.

ACupOfCoffee · 03/05/2020 14:45

You are both hard work. Since when do people book calls in with family. Surely you just call and they either answer or don't for whatever reason
🤦‍♀️

MummytoCSJH · 03/05/2020 15:00

YANBU. Why on earth couldn't she have messaged you if she wasn't feeling up to it? Then, if you didn't have a message when you finished your spa weekend, call goes forward as planned. Load of manipulative crap. Don't bother, she's obviously not interested unless you're dancing to her tune.

Ilovecats14 · 03/05/2020 15:02

Your sister sounds hard work.

brassbrass · 03/05/2020 15:04

making excuses for not bothering and having an issue with her sister but it's the sister who is sulking. OP is fine to carry on contact. Sister won't engage.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/05/2020 15:30

OP is fine to carry on contact. Sister won't engage.

Yes, on her terms though.

Can't call any morning, or any evening, only on a bank holiday.

Can't send a WhatsApp message because she might forget, or is doing something else.

Sounds like the sister has decided to not continue with this anymore - as is her choice.

Purpleartichoke · 03/05/2020 15:35

I don’t understand why the sister couldn’t just send a quick text cancelling the call if needed. It would be far simpler than op needing to specifically ask her if they are still on.

HannaYeah · 03/05/2020 15:51

Does she have kids?

Original poster
surprisinglyordinary · 03/05/2020 17:01

*Yes, on her terms though.

Can't call any morning, or any evening, only on a bank holiday.*

Hi hearhooves. I'm not sure you've understood. I am really happy to talk in the evenings my time. That would actually suit me way better as it is when I am actually genuinely free. To make myself free in the mornings occasionally I have to miss the things I'd be doing otherwise (meeting friends, exercise etc). But evening here is between 3 am and 9 am their time (depending on current time difference and time here) and those are not times my sister wants to speak. She does have kids herself, yes and works too so is in a similar position to us re: morning times.

OP posts:
LettyBriggs · 03/05/2020 17:05

Not rtft (your sister is pathetic)
but what spa is open during lockdown?