To have not called my sister to check it was OK to call

[surprisinglyordinary]

My sister moved to Australia a few years ago. Speaking on the phone is more complicated due to the time difference and we've never managed to be in at the same time unless it's prearranged. So now we prearrange calls via email/ whatsapp. We have been speaking perhaps every 4 months.

She had an op in November. relatively major but all went well. We had arranged a phone call for about 2 weeks after he op. She was at home after about 3 days, but obviously it's very tiring to have major surgery and she also was sometimes experiencing pain so she was far from fully recovered. Phone call was 'booked' for a Monday morning. She asked if I could whatsapp her on the Saturday to check she was still on for our phone call on Monday. I said I couldn't as I was away for the weekend with my OH. We go away once a year, to spa hotel for the weekend and as we have no family support it is the only time all year we get time away from the kids (I do a swop with a friend who is in the same position as us to make this happen). I said I would just call on the Monday and if she was free we could talk and if she could not pick up because she was tired or did not feel up to it we would just rearrange.

The call did not go ahead (she cancelled it) and she has blanked me ever since (cancelled every phone call I tried to book since and not initiated contact with me at all). When I contacted her to talk about this she said she was put out that I'd not been happy to whatsapp her on the Saturday. She has not contacted me at all in the last 6 months now and as far as she's saying, this is the only reason why.

Was I being unreasonable in saying I wouldn't whatsapp on the Sat to see if we could still talk on the Monday? I don't think so but I would like to hear other's views in case I need to wobble my head.

Hi Letty. This 'incident' was in November. My sister is still cross about it.

There is a pattern of hearhooves not understanding!

You are both unreasonable. The message you conveyed to her is that you can't be arsed to take 2 seconds to message her and you aren't thinking of her at all even though she has been ill. She is making a ridiculous amount of fuss over it though.

Well, no brass I don't understand because op is making excuses.

If she wanted to maintain contact then she would. Saying you can't phone because it means cancelling exercise for example is just silly.

Claiming that you can't phone during your evening because you don't get in until 6.30 doesn't apply to weekends.

Again saying your sister works doesn't make sense post major operation does it?

So none of those are reasons why you can't phone ever other than you didn't want to. Which is likely the reason why sister has gone no contact.

*If she wanted to maintain contact then she would. Saying you can't phone because it means cancelling exercise for example is just silly.

Claiming that you can't phone during your evening because you don't get in until 6.30 doesn't apply to weekends.*

hi Hooves, I've not said either of these things. I think you are mis-reading. I DO cancel exercise etc. to talk to her on the mornings I am 'free'. It is my sister who says she doesn't want me to call during my evenings and she also does not want me to call in my weekend afternoons as it's after 9pm their time.

Well, then op, there's little more you can do is there? If she's decided to go no contact there's nothing you can do.

Your sister was being really unreasonable with her initial request. Its really weird to expect you to contact her to check in. Surely if she couldn't do the call, she could just message you? It's quite controlling behaviour and I'm not surprised you said no.

She’s had an op, she’s in pain, she asked you to do one thing for her that would take ten seconds to do, and you couldn’t be arsed, so she now can’t be arsed with you.

Petty on both sides but you started it.
Best thing to do is forget it and get on with your life.

Sorry i've not read the full thread, but the whole thing is a bit sad... guessing you weren't that close anyway to fall out over a phone call. Why did she want you to WhatsApp on Saturday for the Monday call? Wouldn't a quick message Sunday evening or early Monday morning have been better?

I have a sister who lives in Queensland. I know if I want to catch her, it's best to call in our morning (their evening) and if she answers then great, if not, then fine. We catch each other at some point. Normally pick up messages when ever we are on our phones, so daily. I think the thing is, is we don't demand an instant response.

I don't see why you had to message, easy enough for her not to answer. But maybe she was thinking she would be in bed recovering and you would wake her. But also don't see why you couldn't take 2 seconds to send a message (could have had it pre-written) and another quick 2 seconds later on to check her reply.

In all honesty I don’t think it’s that much of an effort to what’s app BUT there is absolutely no reason your sister couldn’t have what’s app’s you with a message to say if it could have gone ahead or not, it’s not a one way street. Her reaction to this for this long is a complete over reaction imo.

It seems an odd set up but 5 mins out to WhatsApp out of your day I'm sure your oh wouldnt haven't had a problem. I would just WhatsApp her from now on and not phone.

There's quite a few very different things going on...

Your original question - YABVU. Regardless of youe plans, your message said, very loudly and clearly - you are not important enough for me to take under a minute out of my day to txt and ask if we're still having our call. It's not like you had to wait for the reply. IMO, I was thoughtless and hurtful.

Your sister, however, is also BU. To refuse to even engage seems immature.

And this shines a light in the next point. It sounds like your upbringing and family life have had major impact on both of you. Instead of supporting one another, you seem to take it out on one other. You describe her terribly - bullying, aggressive, selfish etc, however you seem to thrive on being the victim, even though you're not, however much yiu think you are. You take some responsibility and blame whilst not really believing it - even if you've blinded yourself to this. You say horrible, nasty bitchy things about your sister and in the next breath give reason for such behaviour. If you really believed it, you'd refrain from character bashing her.

You did a shitty thing. Own it. Fix it. Or don't But coming on a public forum to openly paint a negative pic of your sibling says so much more than what you're actually saying

You could call her via WhatsApp when you take the children to their activities - or do you need to be 100% part of those? You could call her via WhatsApp on the way to meeting your friends /going to and coming home from work. Relationships aren't tit for tat. Either you want it or you don't.

Trying to justify the thoughtless thing you did by annihilating your sister's character is low. Very

I'll get blasted for saying this but it's MN so to be expected.

Send her a heartfelt apology letter (only if you mean it - sincerely, though). Writing it down means you can tweak and make it true to what you really want to say - and be honest. Tell her (as non confrontationally as possible) how her behaviour impacts you. Arrange some flowers/chocs /booze/home goodies to be delivered (whichever she'll appreciate most). Do what you can to fix it and, if you can't - at least you'll know for sure you did everything you could without the need to turn to social media for justification.

I hope it all works out - it really sounds like you both need each other and could benefit one another if you were more open, honest and supportive with one another. It's a long hard journey but worth it

You describe her terribly - bullying, aggressive, selfish etc, however you seem to thrive on being the victim, even though you're not, however much yiu think you are.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I do describe her as aggressive and I have found her bullying. She calls me selfish though. I have never called her that. I see where you're coming from but though this is a public forum it is discrete in the sense that she is not reading this. I think I do need to describe her actions as I experience them in order for people to get the answers to questions they are asking.

I drive to work so can't whatsapp her on the way and neither can I do it from kid's activities as I am driving them around mainly then too. I think there is a distinction between excuses and genuine reasons and I personally think this is genuine. As I said earlier I could take the choice of cancelling activities one week - or even all the time - but that does not feel like the right choice for me. But also, that is not, as far as I know, what my sister has a problem with. And similarly I have no problem with her not cancelling the weekend activities which mean that I can't call her on our Fri or Sat evening.

Personally I would have WhatsAppd it takes 2 mins you don’t sound that close to me

The phone was not with me for most of the weekend. Friends would call the hotel if needed in an emergency. other than that it was in the room and mostly we weren't.

This just doesn't wash. You have all the time before and after breakfast, all the time in the evenings before you go to sleep, plus other odd times when presumably you may go into your room to fetch stuff, freshen up etc. It only takes two minutes to send a whatsapp message.

You are both unreasonable.

You both sound a bit ... Odd

If she wanted a check to be sure that the call was going to be ok she should have WhatsApped you herself. She sounds self absorbed and hard work tbh. YANBU to my way of thinking but only you can decide if you'd rather apologise in order to try and keep the relationship alive. I don't know how old you both are but character traits only tend to become more entrenched with age so please don't expect that her attitude will improve.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in the slightest. I understand this more as my daughters father lives in Australia and especially in our summer it’s a nightmare booking in calls due to school, work patterns, family life - we just plan calls n if something comes up on either side communicate it. We don’t book in a call and then also book in a text to confirm that call, that’s sad and I’d tell them to get a grip if they got touchy about it. Especially if I’d explained why.

I don’t think you were in the wrong to want to switch your phone off and forget everything on your weekend away with your DH that happens once a year, you can text anytime. You’ve arranged a call, if they can no longer do it they can text you, simple.

Your sister sounds like a selfish brat tbh and has thrown a hissy fit because you didn’t do what she wanted. Wouldn’t waste any more time worrying about it tbh OP - if she wants to acts like this with all that’s going on in the world then let her.

She’s been a dick.

Think the whole think is really strange- my brother -in -law lives in America with his wife. We regularly message updates about the kids. If I messaging I naked sure they have been online on WhatsApp to make sure I don’t wake them ect.

Whole thing seems ridiculously convoluted

I get not wanting to have anything or anyone else to think or worry about on your one weekend off, (especially something which was pretty bloody pointless anyway!)

@surprisinglyordinary yes I work and I have two kids. I FaceTime with the kids. We usually speak about 7am my time or 11am my time or 8pm my time. We also text, but if one of us doesn’t answer a call it’s no big deal.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. If your sister was going to want to cancel the planned call it should have been on her. I don’t see why you didn’t say just text me on what’s app if you prefer to reschedule. There was no need to demand that you text her first to inquire. And no need to pout forever when that didn’t happen.

But I wouldn’t call that toxic behaviour, just selfish and controlling.

Since she has not been supportive and even bullying to you in the past I would just be glad you can ignore her now. Let her go. If she wants to be in touch it’s up to her to do that. Don’t be a pushover and don’t feel guilty!