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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not called my sister to check it was OK to call

295 replies

surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 17:11

My sister moved to Australia a few years ago. Speaking on the phone is more complicated due to the time difference and we've never managed to be in at the same time unless it's prearranged. So now we prearrange calls via email/ whatsapp. We have been speaking perhaps every 4 months.

She had an op in November. relatively major but all went well. We had arranged a phone call for about 2 weeks after he op. She was at home after about 3 days, but obviously it's very tiring to have major surgery and she also was sometimes experiencing pain so she was far from fully recovered. Phone call was 'booked' for a Monday morning. She asked if I could whatsapp her on the Saturday to check she was still on for our phone call on Monday. I said I couldn't as I was away for the weekend with my OH. We go away once a year, to spa hotel for the weekend and as we have no family support it is the only time all year we get time away from the kids (I do a swop with a friend who is in the same position as us to make this happen). I said I would just call on the Monday and if she was free we could talk and if she could not pick up because she was tired or did not feel up to it we would just rearrange.

The call did not go ahead (she cancelled it) and she has blanked me ever since (cancelled every phone call I tried to book since and not initiated contact with me at all). When I contacted her to talk about this she said she was put out that I'd not been happy to whatsapp her on the Saturday. She has not contacted me at all in the last 6 months now and as far as she's saying, this is the only reason why.

Was I being unreasonable in saying I wouldn't whatsapp on the Sat to see if we could still talk on the Monday? I don't think so but I would like to hear other's views in case I need to wobble my head.

OP posts:

OstrichRunning · 02/05/2020 20:59

It seems to me there might have been a subtext to the request for a WhatsApp message on the Saturday, which was along the lines of, I need to know you care about me. The OP's sister might have agreed to the two week thing but might have been hoping for something more - a gesture. You can feel very vulnerable after surgery.

But I know how painful and complicated the relationship between two sisters can become. And what it's like being on the receiving end of a controlling, manipulative sister. After a certain point in time, you really need to just start protecting yourself from that shit.

Only you can really know what you've had to deal with over the years, and what the relationship really means to you now. It seems sad for you to lose each other, especially if you were once close. If it were me, I'd think long and hard about that and if you really want to make a last stab at keeping your sister in your life I'd consider making a gesture here - by apologising if you seemed indifferent to her by saying you couldn't WhatsApp that time. If you decide you don't want to stay in touch, then this is an opportunity to walk away.

Original poster

surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 21:05

In this situation why bother with phone calls at all? Just whatsapp. I can't remember the last time I spoke to my sister on the phone. I whatsapp quite regularly though. Suits us both and no need to pre-book.

I'm not sure you've understood the issues. It's not that I'm 'with the kids', it's that I'm at work or at activities with them - not at the house. OH and I are both on board on Sundays for activities and it takes two of us to take them in different directions so there's not an easy solution there. I could cancel the kids activities one weekend but I won't do that TBH. I don't think there is any competitive business tbh it's just the reality of the time differences and having to work loads to keep a roof above our heads. But neither of us are complaining about booking in calls. it's the other issue that's the problem!

OP posts:

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 21:06

Why are people going on about surgeries now and why is OP held to a different standard? Ariadne your 'different' viewpoint makes no sense. OP should do all the running and make all the effort?

Is this how you conduct your relationships?

Sounds like this relationship has been in its death throes for quite some time!

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 02/05/2020 22:12

This is so bizarre. My sister lives in Australia and we speak daily, none of our calls are arranged. If someone can’t answer they can’t answer that’s completely normal isn’t it?

ddl1 · 02/05/2020 22:17

I think you're both making a rather excessive fuss about something relatively trivial, unless I'm missing something.

Original poster

surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 23:32

Do you work wash your hands? Just wondering what time of day you speak?

OP posts:

minettechatouette · 02/05/2020 23:40

The sister is being massively unreasonBle. Why did she need you to message her to ask if the call was on? She was the one deciding if the call was on or not, she needed to message you confirming or cancelling. Very odd business.

Frozenfan2019 · 03/05/2020 00:41

I prefer as little written contact with my sister as possible as her worst aggression is invariably in the written form

Fucking hell @surprisinglyordinary I.would leave it to Christmas and birthday cards from.now on. What do either of you gain from the thrice yearly phone calls? It doesn't sound like you bring anything positive to each others lives. She sounds dreadful and you don't sound like you have much affection for her.

LynetteScavo · 03/05/2020 08:00

She she should have just messaged you to to if a phone call would be OK or not. There is no need to message some one to ask them to message you to let you know if you can phone them.

She was in pain and you were going to have a nice time at a spa, so she got the hump.

But you could have both realised she could message you without you messaging first.

LellyMcKelly · 03/05/2020 08:19

Both of you sound very petty. Your excuse for not Whatsapping her is absolutely ridiculous, and her blanking you because of it is a complete overreaction.

OxanaVorontsova · 03/05/2020 08:23

How on earth did you manage a spa break??

Weebitawks · 03/05/2020 08:26

Tbh I think your sister was ridiculous about the whole thing. I don't know why she was dictating that you needed to text her on the Saturday to check she still wanted the call to go ahead. Surely if she wanted to cancel, she could have just text you at any point before hand to tell you?

Yes maybe you could have just WhatsApped her but it was a bit of a pointless task and she's way over the top not speaking to you.

If she usually the sort of person who like everything to be in their terms ?

HypatiaCade · 03/05/2020 08:41

I think this is a symptom of a much bigger problem, and you don't need to continue to give it headspace. She's a bully to you, sends abusive texts, and expects you to be there for her when she' not there for you. Not a relationship worth fighting for imo.

pissedoffwithprojects · 03/05/2020 09:34

Sounds like she was looking for an excuse to fall out with you. Surely the logical thing would have been that she text you any point up until the call itself to say if she didn't feel up to it.

It doesn't sound like you are missing out on much not speaking to her. Just because she's your sister doesn't mean you wouldn't be better off having a more distant relationship.

NeedToKnow101 · 03/05/2020 10:13

I agree with HypatiaCade.

ACupOfCoffee · 03/05/2020 10:20

@OxanaVorontsova

How on earth did you manage a spa break??

It clearly says in the OP: "We go away once a year, to spa hotel for the weekend and as we have no family support it is the only time all year we get time away from the kids (I do a swop with a friend who is in the same position as us to make this happen).

altiara · 03/05/2020 10:22

I agree with the person that said it was some kind of test. Otherwise, why wouldn’t your sister just WhatsApp saying not sure if I can make it on Monday because of xxx, I’ll let you know on Sunday’.
It’s really strange to message someone asking them to message you to check if you can make it. Only 1 message was needed.

Spidey66 · 03/05/2020 10:32

If the 'how did you manage a spa break' comment was referring to lockdown, the original post said it was shortly after her sister's operation so November or December.

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 03/05/2020 10:40

You both sound obscenely precious
Her with 'booking' a phone call and you unable to text because you were on the most amazing spa break known to man. If your sister had just had a major op I'd say you have the most unreasonable edge mind
And why are you still ruminating about it nearly 6 months on?

ACupOfCoffee · 03/05/2020 10:46

To everyone saying the OP was unreasonable for not sending the WhatsApp to see if the sister was still available for a pre-arranged telephone conversation two days later, how would you respond if the reverse was posted by the sister in Australia?

"I live in Australia, and I've just had a major op. My sister who lives in the UK, and I dont talk much because of the time difference and being busy with work, kids etc, but we'd pre-arranged a chat for the Monday.

I asked her to WhatsApp me two days before for her to check to see if I'm still on for the pre-arranged chat.

She said she couldn't as she was away for a rare weekend with her husband, but she'd still call on the Monday. She was at a spa. Am I being unreasonable for her to have her phone with her in the pool, jacuzzi, sauna, treatment room etc?

I didnt take the pre-arranged call on the Monday and I haven't spoken to her or replied to any messages for 6 months"

Am I being unreasonable, or am I being calculating and manipulative?

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 03/05/2020 10:51

@ACupOfCoffee but you don't stay in a spa all day and all night. I'm presuming she would have had access to her phone in the evening etc. Not that I'm saying anyway is more unreasonable here both sisters seem ridiculous over dramatic and lacking in emotional resilience

ACupOfCoffee · 03/05/2020 10:54

But there was no need for the WhatsApp to be sent on the Saturday!!!!

The call had been arranged. The only reason for the WhatsApp message was because the sister had asked the OP to check in on the Saturday to see if she (the sister) was still on for Monday!

The OP did not ignore this message. She replied saying she was away at the weekend, but she'd call on Monday. And that if the sister wasn't up to it, the call could be rearranged.

As multiple people have said, if the sister thought she might not be well enough for the phone call, she could send the OP a message ahead of the prearranged phone call to cancel.

ACupOfCoffee · 03/05/2020 10:57

#changemynamechangemynamewhen

No, but given the time difference, any message sent from the UK probably wouldn't arrive at a reasonable time in OZ.

But see my next post - there was no need for the sister in Oz to ask for the Saturday message to be sent at all.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/05/2020 11:01

Op, from what you've written it seems like you really don't want to continue contact with your sister - couldn't message her due to your spa day (which was a ridiculous excuse, it's a messaging service, you could have messaged at anytime whilst in your room and she would have seen it when it was convenient for her to read. No need to have your phone in the pool, sauna etc as the poster above said), it never seems convenient to you to speak to her on the phone due to you being too busy 7 days a week, even after she's had major surgery - so why are you bothered about her now withdrawing? Is it because you want contact on your terms only? Are you angry because she's the one who has controlled contact this time? Otherwise, I'm really struggling to see why you are annoyed now. You haven't appeared to want to make the effort to maintain contact so hasn't she done you a favour now?

billy1966 · 03/05/2020 11:02

What drama OP.

I can perfectly understand that as you were on a break, you did not wish to commit to texting in case you gorgot.

She's hard work.

Stop apologising to her.

She sounds tedious.

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