To have not called my sister to check it was OK to call

[surprisinglyordinary]

My sister moved to Australia a few years ago. Speaking on the phone is more complicated due to the time difference and we've never managed to be in at the same time unless it's prearranged. So now we prearrange calls via email/ whatsapp. We have been speaking perhaps every 4 months.

She had an op in November. relatively major but all went well. We had arranged a phone call for about 2 weeks after he op. She was at home after about 3 days, but obviously it's very tiring to have major surgery and she also was sometimes experiencing pain so she was far from fully recovered. Phone call was 'booked' for a Monday morning. She asked if I could whatsapp her on the Saturday to check she was still on for our phone call on Monday. I said I couldn't as I was away for the weekend with my OH. We go away once a year, to spa hotel for the weekend and as we have no family support it is the only time all year we get time away from the kids (I do a swop with a friend who is in the same position as us to make this happen). I said I would just call on the Monday and if she was free we could talk and if she could not pick up because she was tired or did not feel up to it we would just rearrange.

The call did not go ahead (she cancelled it) and she has blanked me ever since (cancelled every phone call I tried to book since and not initiated contact with me at all). When I contacted her to talk about this she said she was put out that I'd not been happy to whatsapp her on the Saturday. She has not contacted me at all in the last 6 months now and as far as she's saying, this is the only reason why.

Was I being unreasonable in saying I wouldn't whatsapp on the Sat to see if we could still talk on the Monday? I don't think so but I would like to hear other's views in case I need to wobble my head.

She's being ridiculous- she wasn't on her death bed and how she felt Saturday had no bearing on how she might feel Monday. She sounds controlling and hard work.

I'd find it very odd to be told that I needed to reconfirm a phone call on Monday but it must only be reconfirmed on Saturday and not at the point I am currently whatsapping nor could it be just cancelled on the day if not up for it.
I am also assuming what's app occurred checking surgery went okay as they were confirming speaking times.
She sounds like hard work so I'd just leave her to it,

couldn't message her due to your spa day (which was a ridiculous excuse, it's a messaging service, you could have messaged at anytime whilst in your room and she would have seen it when it was convenient for her to read.

But does no-one accept that it was unreasonable for the sister in Australia to ask for contact on the Saturday in the first place, when the call was already in place for the Monday?

As I said above, the OP replied to her sister and explained why she couldn't write on the Saturday. Possibly slightly flimsy, but I'd be pissed off taking time out of a break to send a message asking if the call was still on. Yes, I know it's only a few minutes, but the headspace of remembering and asking something which didnt need to be asked in the first place would annoy me.

Surely any reasonable person a) wouldn't expect the message to be sent in the first place b) if they had asked for the message to be sent, when told that the other person was away, respond with "oh that's ok, not to worry" and not sulk and ignore the OP for six months.

YANBU.. you told her you couldn't whatsapp her on Saturday. It was your weekend off with your DH.

Leave her to contact you when she's finished her huff.

she sounds like hard work-and how would she know on saturday if she was ok on the monday

She does sound very hard work. I have noticed that relatives who move abroad (in my own family, anyway) seem to be much more needy and entitled than those "left behind". There has been a pattern of them (and there have been more than one) of them seeming to feel everyone "back home" should drop everything to accommodate them, as though our lives don't actually continue in their absence. Sorry, but that's the way it has been for me - I wonder if there is an element of this at work in your family too?

ACupOfCoffee

The request for a WhatsApp message seems weird, yes. But then I'm reading what op writes and, from what she says, she dictates the timing of all the contact with her sister - it can't happen at any other time other than when it's convenient to her. 7 days a week she is too busy with other things so can only speak on a bank holiday. Ok, maybe she's too busy every single morning??? But what about evenings? Can't she phone on a Saturday or Sunday evening? Presumably that's morning in Australia?

The sister had major surgery and op wasn't "available" to speak to her until two weeks later?

So, I'm thinking that the sister is fed up with not being important to op and, yes, maybe the WhatsApp message was a test. The sister has now decided that she doesn't want contact with op anymore. That's her choice isn't it? I'm struggling to see why op is bothered about it? She clearly hasn't been bothered about staying in touch, and made sure it was only on her terms and now the sister appears to have said "enough".

The issue the OP writes about isn't the scheduling of phone calls per se. That seems sensible to me. Imagine someone writing on Mumsnet - my relative who lives on the other side of the world and I never seem to catch each other when we phone. What should we do? I'm fairly certain the responses would be a unanimous "arrange a mutually convenient time to phone". I really don't think it's that strange, but some posters on this thread have turned the pre-arrangement of calls into the main issue!

I also dont think it was the case that the OP "wasnt available" until two weeks after the operation. The OP and her sister mutually agreed to talk two weeks afterwards. Again, not especially strange when contact between the two of them isn't a regular occurrence.

The OP has said in a subsequent post that she has made herself available for previous pre-arranged calls, and has cancelled plans, only for the sister in Australia not to be available at that time.

To me, that says that the sister in Australia doesn't think the OP is important enough, rather than the other way around.

There is clearly a lot of history between the sisters and in the wider family, which is why sometimes what seem like straightforward scenarios are more complex than they appear.

ACupOfCoffee

Why are the calls scheduled? They are scheduled around op. She's been very clear about that.

Why hadn't she called her sister earlier than two weeks? Was that her sisters choice or because op was too busy?

Whatever the reason, op doesn't seem to have been bothered about keeping in touch so why is she bothered now? Seems to me it's because it's her sister who has taken control and made the decision. That's her choice. For whatever reason she's decided to cut contact.

May be the the sister not in a huff though. It sounds like neither of you really have much time or interest in each other, so she's decided to call it a day.

But my sister and I don't "look after" each other at all and it was no problem for me when I was critically ill a couple of years ago

Im intrigued that a sibling taking little interest in you being critically ill is so acceptable to you and makes me wonder who is setting these really low standards.

I'm with hear and more interested why you are so bothered by this. I suspect once you get used to the idea, you'll be fine with it.

It's probably more sensible to acknowledge the relationship is unhealthy and end it rather than feel inconvenienced by some sort of obligation.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Why are the calls scheduled? They are scheduled around op. She's been very clear about that.

Not really. From the second sentence of the original post:

"Speaking on the phone is more complicated due to the time difference and we've never managed to be in at the same time unless it's prearranged."

The OP has subsequently explained about being busy until 11am in the mornings, hence the mutually convenient scheduling. Obviously, as you say there are UK evenings/Australian mornings, but the OP has also said "We usually need to talk on a morning and I'm not normally free in the mornings (kids activities and work)".

The OP hasn't explained why it needs to be (UK) mornings for the calls, but maybe the Australian sister wants to talk in Australian evenings and wont compromise??

Sounds like my sister. You didn't jump through her hoops so you're in the wrong. Totally agree with an earlier poster, stop caring. Send her a WhatsApp message asking her to let you know when is suitable to call, then leave it.

After two decades I finally got to that stage when my sister couldn't be arsed to visit me in the YEAR of a major birthday. Not my actual birthday, I would have been happy with any visit in that year. It's been 7 years since then and I am still waiting for a visit... Don't mention it, just stopped caring. Send the expected birthday and Christmas presents and call on those days, but that's it. Quite literally no point investing the effort - I wasted 20 years doing that.

Yep, that maybe the case, but she hasn't said that when questioned about why they can't talk more often. All she keeps saying is that she can't speak on any morning, ever, because she's too busy. Which is a lame excuse frankly IF you want to keep in touch with someone.

If you want to stay in contact you make time and certainly you would make time after someone had a major operation, even if that meant cancelling a weekend activity for the children. The fact is, staying in touch didn't mean enough to op for her to make the time - no judgement, we don't know the backstory. But, I find it odd that now the sister has withdrawn op is suddenly upset by it. Why be bothered about staying in touch now when she wasn't before? It does strike me as though contact was fine on the ops terms but now the sister has controlled it op is put out.

I’m shocked at the amount of “it’d only take 10 seconds to WhatsApp her”. Why should she? It would have taken the sister 10 seconds to let her know that she couldn’t do the call. Sister is very petty, not the OP IMO

hearhooves it's like you haven't read the thread.

There is a back story and the sister didn't behave any better when the roles were reversed. So OP is not obligated in any way to jump through hoops which is what this was.

The OP hasn't explained why it needs to be (UK) mornings for the calls, but maybe the Australian sister wants to talk in Australian evenings and wont compromise??

It's the time difference that's the issue. I get home from work around 6:30 and can make myself free to talk any time up until around 10. But much of this time is the middle of the night over there and when it's not, my sister is not free. I have never said I'll only talk in the mornings it just doesn't work out with them being on almost opposite time zones. She did say at one point that she'd call me at 6 am their time which was some point in the evening our time. I thought that was heavy going to get up so early to talk but was up for it if it worked for her. It never happened as she was too tired to get up that early - not surprised!

Whatever the reason, op doesn't seem to have been bothered about keeping in touch so why is she bothered now?

I've taken all responsibility for arranging phone calls in the 3 years since she went. She's never arranged a call.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

There is a huge backstory involved. To me it sounds as though the OP wants (or at least wanted) to stay in touch with her sister, whilst putting reasonable boundaries up to protect herself (ie only speaking a few times a year/spoken rather too much written contact to avoid her sister's aggression).

You're right about why is the OP so bothered about lack of contact now, but I imagine she is feeling hurt and confused when she hasn't actually done anything wrong.

"We're not close at all, you're correct. We used to be but not for the last decade. I can't see any reason why she could not cancel the call herself and that's no more effort than responding to a query from me about whether she was still on for the call. My guess (she's not saying) is that maybe this was some sort of test about how much I care?"

"She has reacted to the abusive family history by becoming extremely controlling and manipulative...according to my therapist (and I am highly self-critical and have no self worth - suspect that is the same for her really)."

"few years ago she said she did not feel supported. I said it would be good (and I meant it!) to get to a place where we both felt supported. I'm not sure she could really understand that. She is highly self-centred but we do come from an emotionally abusive family so I think this is potentially trauma rather than psychopathy. Thing is, the more aggressive she is to me (verbally so but hard core sometimes), the more I cut off from her."

"I take your point about her being low priority and I think it's true. She is low priority for me. I guess I need to be honest with myself about that. I think she does need to be low priority because she's been so bullying in the past (inc quite recent past) but she does seem to expect her angry outbursts to have no long-term impacts so she may have felt that our relationship with other than it is and this may be a bit of a disappointment to her I guess."

"My sister has let me down with calls in the past. I.e. I say not to things I could be doing with friends on my day off then call her as arranged and she's not there/ doesn't answer. I've never let her down in this way. To be fair though, after a few times of this I did say this was a problem for me and she did apologise. We arranged the call on the Monday for a mutually convenient time."

"I prefer as little written contact with my sister as possible as her worst aggression is invariably in the written form so I tend to keep whatsapp contact quite low and short so there's less for her to take offence at."

It's the time difference that's the issue. I get home from work around 6:30 and can make myself free to talk any time up until around 10.

What, even at the weekends?

Clearly op, you haven't wanted to keep in touch, which is fine. But now she doesn't want to keep in touch and you're unhappy about it. But why?

I think Coffer's reverse sounded perfect. I agree completely.

I also suspect it wouldn't just be 1 WhatsApp. If the OP sent something the sister would expect an instant reply when the sister deigned to answer, so OP would need to keep her phone with her. And why should she use the headspace? The OP had one weekend away from everything with her husband, why should the sister get to interrupt that (and was the demand for tye whatsapp made before or after the sister knew she was away?)

The sister could very easily have sent a whatsapp saying if the plans needed to change. There was no need for the OP to do anything - this was pure manipulation and demands for hoop jumping from the sister.

Read the thread (or at least my post above this one) @Hearhoovesthinkzebras

I've taken all responsibility for arranging phone calls in the 3 years since she went. She's never arranged a call.

Right. So why are you now bothered that she's chosen to sever contact?

And you say you've instigated contact but then give a litany of reasons as to why you aren't available. They aren't reasons, they're excuses. If you wanted to keep in touch you could have. So clearly you didn't want to keep in touch - totally fine, your choice. So why are you now bothered that she doesn't want to keep in touch?

What, even at the weekends?

Weekends I'm free from 11 at the earliest. That is often after 9pm in Oz and my sister does not like to talk that late. She does expect people to fit around her and send emails calling them selfish and rude if they don't.

Why should it be the responsibility of the OP to confirm that it's still ok to call on the Monday?

Ridiculous, no reason why her sister couldn't do this since she was the one who wanted it!

ACupOfCoffee

I have. Read what I'm saying.

If the sister is so toxic why would op want to stay in touch? Surely the sister has done her a favour now? Op no longer has to make excuses for not phoning the sister. So, why is she unhappy about it?