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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bad father?

146 replies

thewalkingdad · 02/05/2020 12:08

I've got a two and a half year old son.

I love him more than anything in the world.

Up until recently though, I had been working 2 jobs, home-office in the morning, until about 1:00 PM and a full time job in the afternoon, so I was away from home from 1:30 PM until 10:00 PM.

Whenever I had a break during my morning home-office job, I cooked, cleaned up or did laundry, to help my wife.

While she is at home all the time, she does have a part time home-office job which requires her attention a few hours a day, so I helped with the housework wherever I could.

Long story short, up until recently I used to spend a lot of time stuck in front of my computer, at work, or working around the house.

So yes. I was away. A LOT. And I didn't have a chance to spend time with my kid as much as I wish I had.

Recently I took paternity leave.

I've been spending more time with my son trying to catch up with the lost love.

When his mom is away he's ok with me.

But every time she is around he pushes me away. And that's most of the day, as you can imagine.

Now I'm spending most of the day dealing with rejection. I want to do things with him and for him, like feed him, wash him, change his clothes, play with him, watch TV together, put him to bed, go for a walk, you-name-it!

He rejects me every single time. All I hear from morning till evening is "Mommy, NOT daddy!"

If I bring him the bottle of water he grabs it from my hands and gives it to his mom to give it back to him as if it came from her, not from me.

You get the picture.

He doesn't hug me, he doesn't want me around.

Sometimes it seems that he loves his teddy bear more than he cares about me.

Most of the time when his mom is around he just ignores me. The rest of the time he pushes me away.

I'm not jealous, but it hurts, because I try my best.

At the same time, there's another problem.

His mom allows him do whatever he wants most of the time. I'm trying to teach him certain things, like cleaning up after himself, not smashing things around, washing his hands, not playing somewhere or with something which is not quite safe for his age.

Call me cautious, or "bad cop" or whatever you want, but I admit I'm a bit more strict about discipline than his mom is, so with his mom there are no rules, whereas I try to teach him what's good or wrong, as much as I can.

Long story short... how do I get my kid to like me? Any tips are highly appreciated...

Thank you in advance,

The Walking Dad

OP posts:
Fluffykitten23 · 02/05/2020 12:12

I wouldn't take it as personal as you are. At that age I would say it is a normal phase. You said yourself he is fine with you when mum is not about if he didn't like you he wouldn't be happy alone with you. Don't make it a big deal as in no have it from daddy and he will just outgrow it. I'm sure he loves you very much.

notsorighteousthesedays · 02/05/2020 12:13

Perhaps he is picking up on the fact you don’t thinks much of his mother?
How long have the new arrangements been in place? Does he even understand who you are - do you think it might be scary for a young child to have his career replaced by someone who he hardly knows and who is critical of everything he and his mother do?

ChrissieKeller61 · 02/05/2020 12:13

It’s just his age

notsorighteousthesedays · 02/05/2020 12:14

Carer!!

CastleCrasher · 02/05/2020 12:16

It's normal, and if he sees you react to his "rejection", especially if you try harder as a result, he'll keep doing it. Most kids only do this with people they feel secure with, so it's a weird kind of compliment in a way Try to laugh it off, he'll soon come around

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 02/05/2020 12:17

Children so often do this for no reason, it might be Dad or Mum. They just temporarily latch on to one carer, it very normal and also horrible. Just dont feel rejected, just carry on in a normal loving way and it will pass. Half of my grandchildren have done this no fault of the parents

littlejalapeno · 02/05/2020 12:18

It’s quite normal if you’ve not been around. Offer him consistency and try to fall in with them rather than policing his behaviour. If you’re too restrictive you’re going to crush his natural enterprising behaviour. I mean obviously no unattended time with scissors and plug sockets, but you’re very much entering their world and it’s not going to magically rearrange itself with you at the centre, no matter how much you want to set the rules and agenda and feel it’s going your way. Swallow your ego and fall in and you will feel a weight lift and start to enjoy your time with out conditions and boundaries. Embrace the newness and your kid will open up to you, see you as less of a threat and bring you into the fold

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 02/05/2020 12:18

@notsorighteousthesedays
This is rubbish

Biancadelrioisback · 02/05/2020 12:19

Just to clarify, his mum is your wife and you are still together?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 02/05/2020 12:19

Even if you had been totally hands on since birth, they go through phases of preferring one person.

It sounds like you and your wife are not on the same page regarding discipline so you need to sort that, away from your son. Have a conversation, maybe she has some thoughts on it that will explain her less rigid approach. But kids need consistency so get it sorted now while he's young enough for things to change without it being a huge deal.

MaeDanvers · 02/05/2020 12:20

It's great you want to spend more time with your son. I do think though that if this is really recent and he is not used to you then pushing it on your more strict discipline is going to be too much for him at the age of 2.5.

He's getting used to having you around more and it takes time to build the sort of closeness you want.

It's also pretty normal for toddlers to do the rejection thing, I would really try not to take it personally. If it were me, I would try to stick to the sort of things your wife has been doing with him and let him come to you as much as possible. Then you really need to get on the same page together about how to discipline him so you are both consistent.

Ultimately, if you look at it from your toddler's point of view he isn't used to either you or your new ways of wanting him to do things so it's natural he'll not respond well. Try and have patience, it sounds like you want him to listen to you, trust you and choose to have you doing things for him and accepting your way of doing things far too quickly.

What does your wife think about how you feel?

MaeDanvers · 02/05/2020 12:22

(used to you in terms of being more hands-on, not used to you in general!)

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/05/2020 12:22

Good luck with trying to teach a toddler too many rules! The phrase “pick your battles” is key. They will often learn more by copying and modelling than rules eg Daddy’s hands are muddy so Daddy is going to wash them. You can then suggest your DS washes his at which point he will say “no” and run off giggling.
Favouring on parent over the other is normal and often switches parent from time to time.

Just be careful swooping in and offering your DP advice or suggesting she should be stricter when you haven’t been toddler wrangling day in day out and so don’t have the full picture.

Dommina · 02/05/2020 12:23

Try not to take things personally, although it sounds v difficult. You have my sympathy.
I think you need to be consistemntly love bombing him and making sure you take time to have fun activities. Play adjacent to him, if he's having a tantrum about you playing with him. If you look like you're having a good enough time, he may come to you.

Also, when you are correcting him, try to use distraction, and positive reinforcement as much as possible. I realise this is not always possible. And of course, make sure you have an honest and calm conversation with your wife. Try to get on the same page with discipline and how you respond to negative behaviour.
Don't be accusatory. "I feel bad about how my relationship with him is going. Can we work together on this? Rather than ,"You're not strict enough"

He's old enough to be corrected for behaviour, but this should be positive as much as possible and combined with lots of love.

Good luck. Smile

Brogley · 02/05/2020 12:23

Pushing you away is a phase, all four of mine preferred me at that age then a few months after they'd switch and would only want their dad before switching again. Its just a thing some kids do.

Letting him play with toys that aren't age appropriate isn't a big deal under supervision, by the time you have more than one child anyway the youngest has access to all sorts of toys not appropriate for their age.

He is two years old, maybe chill out a bit with the discipline? Positive reinforcement and praise for good behaviour, ignore any negative behaviour that's being done for attention and natural/logical consequences for the things that can't be ignored (e.g., if he throws his car then the car gets taken away for an hour or two) alongside basic explanations of why.

Instead of being negative about how your wife parents, be more supportive and work together. It's going to be a long eighteen years if you're constantly at loggerheads over how to parent.

Original poster
thewalkingdad · 02/05/2020 12:25

@Biancadelrioisback - yes, his mom is my wife and yes we are together :)

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 02/05/2020 12:25

@notsorighteousthesedays you didn’t wait long to kick off the dad-bashing. 🙄

corythatwas · 02/05/2020 12:31

This is the experience of plenty of mothers: on average I'd say there is a thread like this on MN every month or so, written by a mother rejected by a 2yo. It's what they do.

Good parenting is keeping on providing unconditional, cheerful, never-wavering love. Basically stop thinking your being a good parent is bound up with him liking you: he is too little to have that kind of responsibility. You just carry on loving him and being the best father you can.

It may be that your expectations on him are also too high for his age. I have known very few 2yos who were any good at cleaning up after themselves. If they were it was always because their carers made it a fun game rather than a cause of disappointment if the child failed to comply.

At this age, they have a short attention span and not much impulse control. If he is playing with something he shouldn't, remove it and distract him. Start teaching him gently but for now don't expect him to remember and observe your teaching next time. for the time being, the responsibility of keeping him safe is yours. Be positive rather than negative: "gentle hands" is better than "don't hit the kitty".

Playfulness is a great way of dealing with 2yos. Works much better than "bad cop".

My husband used to have trouble getting our 2-3 yo to keep walking on the way to and from the childminder's, so he made up a game where they were running away from wildebeest (note that the games must be fun rather than scary). Years later he was at a council meeting and found himself sitting next to our Labour councillor. "I remember you", she said, "you were the one with the wildebeest".

The point is, dad wasn't giving up on discipline here: he got his way about getting home. He just made it fun rather than confrontational. And eventually dd worked out that what daddy and mummy wanted, daddy or mummy would get. Of course there were times when dd just resisted anyway- 2/3yos do!- and then he might have to scoop her up and just take her where she needed to go. But staying calm still made a big difference.

We went through both rejection stages: times when dc wanted me and not him, and a later time when ds in particular tried to make out I was some horrible persecuting harpy who tyrannised it over dh. Don't rise to it is the only advice I can give, provide a united front if you can, it will pass if you play it right.

Starlightstarbright1 · 02/05/2020 12:31

As a childminder I see this regularly disappointed the wrong parent turns up ... I have a friend who has days it has completely swapped that now Daddy who does far less is the better option due to novelty factor.

I would suggest a couple of things . Play in the background , just be there and also lighten up on the discipline side . Mum is the one who deals with bathe behaviour .

Is there a way moving forward you could be more available in the day ?

notsorighteousthesedays · 02/05/2020 12:31

What dad bashing? I’m commenting on what the OP said and asking questions. You are the one criticising people (me)!!

Flower1309 · 02/05/2020 12:32

@wintetwollies yep didn't take long at all. It's a crime to be a man on here most of the time.

ClareBlue · 02/05/2020 12:33

@notsorighteousthesedays where did you get all that shite from the OP?

doesthissoundok · 02/05/2020 12:35

I'm with notsorighteous

Flower1309 · 02/05/2020 12:35

@notsoright you are dad bashing. Picking up in the fact his dad doesn't think much of his mother? Over exaggerating much.

WorraLiberty · 02/05/2020 12:37

Perhaps he is picking up on the fact you don’t thinks much of his mother?
How long have the new arrangements been in place? Does he even understand who you are - do you think it might be scary for a young child to have his career replaced by someone who he hardly knows and who is critical of everything he and his mother do?

FFS I've read it all now.