Am I a bad father?

[thewalkingdad]

I've got a two and a half year old son.

I love him more than anything in the world.

Up until recently though, I had been working 2 jobs, home-office in the morning, until about 1:00 PM and a full time job in the afternoon, so I was away from home from 1:30 PM until 10:00 PM.

Whenever I had a break during my morning home-office job, I cooked, cleaned up or did laundry, to help my wife.

While she is at home all the time, she does have a part time home-office job which requires her attention a few hours a day, so I helped with the housework wherever I could.

Long story short, up until recently I used to spend a lot of time stuck in front of my computer, at work, or working around the house.

So yes. I was away. A LOT. And I didn't have a chance to spend time with my kid as much as I wish I had.

Recently I took paternity leave.

I've been spending more time with my son trying to catch up with the lost love.

When his mom is away he's ok with me.

But every time she is around he pushes me away. And that's most of the day, as you can imagine.

Now I'm spending most of the day dealing with rejection. I want to do things with him and for him, like feed him, wash him, change his clothes, play with him, watch TV together, put him to bed, go for a walk, you-name-it!

He rejects me every single time. All I hear from morning till evening is "Mommy, NOT daddy!"

If I bring him the bottle of water he grabs it from my hands and gives it to his mom to give it back to him as if it came from her, not from me.

You get the picture.

He doesn't hug me, he doesn't want me around.

Sometimes it seems that he loves his teddy bear more than he cares about me.

Most of the time when his mom is around he just ignores me. The rest of the time he pushes me away.

I'm not jealous, but it hurts, because I try my best.

At the same time, there's another problem.

His mom allows him do whatever he wants most of the time. I'm trying to teach him certain things, like cleaning up after himself, not smashing things around, washing his hands, not playing somewhere or with something which is not quite safe for his age.

Call me cautious, or "bad cop" or whatever you want, but I admit I'm a bit more strict about discipline than his mom is, so with his mom there are no rules, whereas I try to teach him what's good or wrong, as much as I can.

Long story short... how do I get my kid to like me? Any tips are highly appreciated...

Thank you in advance,

The Walking Dad

And definitely don’t say your wife’s parenting is a problem - it’s a different approach and hopefully you can discuss it with her and learn from each other? My DH and I often discuss how he handles something differently to me, sometimes I believe my method is right, but on the other side of that, a lot of his have been right too.

Then we agree between us which way we go forward. I am a SAHM, but because I’m not good with nuance I asked DH to try this method rather than hinting annoyance or disapproval. We both agree this works for us as we are clarify regularly that we both agree with how/what we’re doing. Also helps provide stability for our twins when it comes to presenting a united front. They need that from us as whilst they’re 2.5, they’re very delayed from premature birth and suspected autism, so whilst it can hurt to have those conversations (especially if we both dig our heels in) it’s got to be done for their sake.

Please dont listen to the feminatzis on this post, not a lot seem to have good relationships with their partners or fathers of their children.

Firstly, that is really normal, babies and children have a primary caregiver, that withojt really knowing pick one (whoever does most care) this would be swapped if it was you. My daughter struggles with my partner sometimes and for certain things.

Secondly, think you and mum need to sit down and chat about what's needed, who does what, how it works, who does what in regards to DC's care etc. If he wants her for certain things, could you do other bits? Maybe he wants her fro story, but, could you do bath time?

Thirdly, you both need to be on the same page for behavioural techniques, it is hard, but if one does onw thing and the other does another he is bound to be confused then see mum as the 'easier' parent and misbehave for you purely because of confusion. When talking about behaviour dont label it 'oh that's naughty, don't do that, dont throw things' for example 'oh do you think they belong on the floor? Coukd you pick them up, that would help daddy lots' 'please use walking legs/indoor voice indoors' a lot of things can be made into games or songs ill link some bits for you below for behavioural strategies and tips for bonding.

Also children take up to 30 seconds to process and respond, give him time to do so, ask him questions get him to think more openly about things.

Could you one morning a week (obviously after this is over) take him swimming or for a boke ride, only you two? Something he wkll enjoy and get excited about?

Im sure, he loves you, they have funny ways fo showing it sometimes and i know my DP struggles sometimes and i really do feel for you.

www.google.com/amp/s/childmind.org/article/managing-problem-behavior-at-home/amp/

www.google.com/amp/s/www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/start-10-tips-better-behavior/amp

www.nfa.co.uk/story/blog-news/9-behavioural-management-strategies-you-can-use-at-home/

www.google.com/amp/s/www.earlyyearscareers.com/eyc/send-support/7-top-tips-dealing-challenging-behaviour/amp/

All in all, simply coming onto a page like this and asking this question shows you are not a bad father.

You pull your weight, love your DW and DC and want to help out all while working two jobs.

Credit yourself :)

@tillytown "Cooking, cleaning, looking after your own child isn't helping your wife, you should be doing these things anyway, its kinda odd that you weren't."
Jesus, have you actually read my last post?
Here it is again for your convenience.

"Thank you all so much for your advice. It helps a lot!
For those who got offended by the part "Whenever I had a break during my morning home-office job, I cooked, cleaned up or did laundry, to help my wife." - ( @NearlyGranny, @user1635482648, @WizardOfAus, @1300cakes)
I'm sorry, maybe I didn't make myself clear enough. I'm not one of those entitled, old-fashioned A-holes who thinks that it's a woman's "job" to do the housework. As a matter of fact, I'm the one doing the cooking, laundry and many other daily chores 75% of the time.
Maybe you missed the part where I said that I was working 2 jobs, basically from 8 AM to 10 PM (that's 14 hours a day) and whenever I had a chance to get a break, I did most of the housework as well, (Yes, to help my wife - by that I meant to help my wife be with the kiddo as much as possible instead of HER doing these things, because I DO know how important it is for a baby / toddler to have mom around as much as possible).
So stop misreading and picking on every detail, searching for a reason to criticize. I already know I'm far from perfect and that's why I'm here.
I just need you to tell me how to improve myself and my relationship with my kid whom I love and trying my best for. (even though I know it's never enough)
If you've got good PARENTING advise, (and I can see that most people here do and thank you all for the great and useful things you advised) then by all means, go ahead and write it.
If you're here to fantasize what a $#!t husband I MIGHT be, just leave that part to my wife to decide
So now that the "help my wife" part has been explained and leaves no room for further misinterpretation and frustration in this thread, thank you all again for your advise, I highly appreciate it and I find your advice really helpful indeed. I learnt a lot today "

I agree with PPs that the post sounds very critical of the mum, and that it probably isn’t fair or wise to criticise the person who has been bringing up the child almost on her own (because of understandable work reasons). Parenting works better if you’re a team.

Calm down pet.

People can only go by the words you've typed. Sometimes people only read the OP before responding. Sometimes they're typing at the same time you are, so don't see your new post until after they've posted theirs.

The overwhelming advice here is to focus on the positives, go with the flow and discuss things calmly with your wife. And... to avoid getting pointlessly wound up by little things over which you have no control.

@minettechatouette im not sure where it states at all DM was doing it all alone. Seems to me he's done his fair share given the circumstances, working 2 jobs and 14hr days?

@minettechatouette
I'm not criticizing mom, but when I've spent the last half a day explaining him that he's not supposed to hit the TV with the football, that he's not supposed to smash the window blinds with his toy truck to the point of no return, that he's not supposed to hit and scratch me for not letting him smash the window blinds and then he obviously starts crying and then mom comes to hug and soothe him... well, what does that say? That daddy is the one who doesn't let him smash things around and mommy is the one who comes to make it all better when daddy's being mean... Right?
Well, this is just one example but correct me if I'm wrong and I should just let him go ahead and do these things...

You’re not a bad father mate. What you’re teaching him may seem difficult right now but in the long term it’s for the good of your son.

At that age, it’s normal btw.

Who knows, maybe in the future when he’s a few years older you’ll have all his attention and not your DW!

It's ok for a parent to comfort their child. That isn't undermining your attempts to 'teach' him.
If you want to be better then ask your DW for suggestions. She is the one who has been caring for your DS, who knows his routines and foibles and probably knows best how to 'teach' him. Teaching isn't a one-size, one-age, one-personality fits all.
Read some child development books. Read 'How To Talk...'
As for your DS rejecting you, as PPs say, it's a phase. It should pass if you work with your DW and your DS to create a settled, consistent, calm family unit.

@thewalkingdad You do need to discuss how you feel about these things with your wife. You are doing a bit too much, it's not reasonable for you to do two jobs and housework. For starters, can you afford a cleaner? If you're in the US (as I assume from the writing), it's not that expensive and might help with what is clearly a very frustrating situation. I think you feel like you're drawing the short straw in every part of your life, and that's understandable. Of course it is not ok for toddlers to break things , but they never respond well to discipline. It's developmental. Read What to Expect - the second year. You should both be taking the same approach, the usually recommended one is to calmly explain why that's a bad idea, and immediately steer the kid to an activity you want to encourage. Never make it a confrontation. Needless to say, I make these same mistakes all the time and can usually be found wailing I'm despair in the kitchen at the discovery of yet another "marmite picture" from my toddler.

Don't let him keep throwing the football or the truck. If he does it once then tell him in simple terms that we play nicely with the ball/truck or else it will have to be put away. If he plays nicely then praise him for it, point out how much fun it is. If he throws it then say we don't throw toys at the TV/windows truck/football has to go away now and then put it away where he can't get to it.

Personally I don't see an issue with comforting a child of that age rather than leaving them crying. Why don't you comfort him before your wife comes to do it? My youngest DD will cry when she's had a consequence given such as having a thrown toy taken away and I'll still give her a hug and say "it's been put away because you threw it, let's play/do this instead" and then I divert her away to a different activity.

Both parents should back each other up on discipline. And hopefully you are also soothing him etc when she’s not there. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you have to be hard with them.

I mean yes, if your two year old child starts crying (including because they are frustrated because you have stopped them breaking something etc) you should cuddle, soothe them etc. Of course you should. The classic advice is to acknowledge and articulate their distress ie “you wanted to smash that truck and now you’re frustrated that you can’t. I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated, that’s not a nice feeling....”

Yes, I still comfort him and give him a hug even after I tell him he shouldn't be smashing tings around and he starts crying. But of course he doesn't want me hugging him, he'll push me away and cry for mommy... at which point she comes along and all he gets is that she's there to protect him from daddy who doesn't let him do whatever he wants.

I don’t think the you are really hearing the posters who have picked how your language reveals your attitude about male and female roles in the home. Even if you pull your weight domestically this could be impacting on your relationships with your family. You can’t pick and choose what opinions you get on Mumsnet. You can’t tell people they should not comment on some aspects that you have ‘explained’.

The only way to get 50% of the love and respect is to put in 50% of the work.
My DP works a lot and you can see the difference in his relationship with the children when he puts more time with them. Maybe when you have a break from work you could spend more time with your child and do the chores when they are in bed. Or your wife may be happy to cover most of your share if she is working much less.

all he gets is that she's there to protect him from daddy who doesn't let him do whatever he wants
That's not what he gets. That's what you're projecting on to him. A lot of your 'issues' are about you feeling insecure about your place in the family. Don't project that on to a 2-yr-old.

Don't let your wife take the bottle back from him and give it to him, you both are allowing him to call the shots to much. If you want to take him for a walk get him in the pram and take him for a walk, yes he might cry for the first few times but he will then get used to it and realise he is not in charge. X

He's not turning to her to protect him from you, two year olds don't have that kind of reasoning. He wants comfort from her because she's his mother and he's going through a stage of preferring her. Don't take it personally because the shoe could quite easily be on the other foot and it could his mum he's pushing away in preference for you. The main thing is that he is getting comfort and it shouldn't matter which of you it comes from, as much as it may sting it is not a popularity contest.

@thewalkingdad
Am I a bad father?
So long as you keep asking yourself that
when he is 5, 10, 15, 18, 21, 35... etc etc..
Your child won’t always be 2 and a half, but the worries and frustrations you feel may always be there, just framed in a different context.
So long as you focus on what is in your child’s best interests, and not get caught up in your own feelings or think that everything revolves around how you may have done something wrong, I think you will be fine.
Don’t take it everything so personally, your child is an independent person, and so long as he always knows you love him, for himself and not how he makes you feel about your self, you will both be okay.

Our son is around the same age, no you are not a bad father, it's just a phase.

Our son also wants the other parent to the one who stopped his unacceptable behaviour, it's fine and try not to overthink it. If you are there for fun times as well as teaching him right from wrong, he will get it that your not the baddie.

If our son cries for me after daddy telling him to stop doing something , I do give him a hug but tell him daddy was right to stop him doing .........whatever it was

Enjoy your time with him and as a family, as much as you can, and try not to overthink it. From what you have said you are certainly not a bad father

My son is 2.5 and exactly the same
I also make him tidy up etc so he’s not too young. It’s a phase :)

Don't let your wife take the bottle back from him

Don't let her? How should he stop her exactly?

If you want to take him for a walk get him in the pram and take him for a walk, yes he might cry for the first few times but he will then get used to it and realise he is not in charge

Showing a preference for one parent over another is a phase, a perfectly normal phase that lots of two year olds go through. Turning it into a battle of wills is a sure fire way to prolong it and entrench the negative behaviours even further.

But you don’t have to turn yourself into the disciplinarian. How bothered is your wife if he smashes the blinds? How would she deal with it?

Yy he doesn't have to turn himself into the disciplinarian but he seems to have decided that he needs to 'teach' his DS because his DW isn't. He's made that decision with no understanding of child psychology or child development.
A lot of this seems to be tied up with OP's ego and toddlers aren't big respecters of egos.
The fact OP has come to strangers on the internet rather than asking his DW and following her lead, is telling imo.

I think you do sound like you're taking it too personally OP. At the end of the day, if you haven't been there with your son as much as your wife has, (for whatever reason) then he's going to feel a bit closer to her. That's normal.

A lot of your posts are all about your own insecurities, rather than thinking about your child or your wife first. Your parenting decisions should be agreed together away from your son, not a tug of war in the moment.

Also you were very defensive towards the pp who highlighted your chosen language about housework chores. You almost shouted them down, which is concerning. It's good they pointed this out to you, as it was good advice. You should not view it as 'helping' but as a shared responsibility between you and your wife. Otherwise you'll be teaching your son that it's "woman's work". Listen to the advice you've asked for.