Am I a bad father?

[thewalkingdad]

I've got a two and a half year old son.

I love him more than anything in the world.

Up until recently though, I had been working 2 jobs, home-office in the morning, until about 1:00 PM and a full time job in the afternoon, so I was away from home from 1:30 PM until 10:00 PM.

Whenever I had a break during my morning home-office job, I cooked, cleaned up or did laundry, to help my wife.

While she is at home all the time, she does have a part time home-office job which requires her attention a few hours a day, so I helped with the housework wherever I could.

Long story short, up until recently I used to spend a lot of time stuck in front of my computer, at work, or working around the house.

So yes. I was away. A LOT. And I didn't have a chance to spend time with my kid as much as I wish I had.

Recently I took paternity leave.

I've been spending more time with my son trying to catch up with the lost love.

When his mom is away he's ok with me.

But every time she is around he pushes me away. And that's most of the day, as you can imagine.

Now I'm spending most of the day dealing with rejection. I want to do things with him and for him, like feed him, wash him, change his clothes, play with him, watch TV together, put him to bed, go for a walk, you-name-it!

He rejects me every single time. All I hear from morning till evening is "Mommy, NOT daddy!"

If I bring him the bottle of water he grabs it from my hands and gives it to his mom to give it back to him as if it came from her, not from me.

You get the picture.

He doesn't hug me, he doesn't want me around.

Sometimes it seems that he loves his teddy bear more than he cares about me.

Most of the time when his mom is around he just ignores me. The rest of the time he pushes me away.

I'm not jealous, but it hurts, because I try my best.

At the same time, there's another problem.

His mom allows him do whatever he wants most of the time. I'm trying to teach him certain things, like cleaning up after himself, not smashing things around, washing his hands, not playing somewhere or with something which is not quite safe for his age.

Call me cautious, or "bad cop" or whatever you want, but I admit I'm a bit more strict about discipline than his mom is, so with his mom there are no rules, whereas I try to teach him what's good or wrong, as much as I can.

Long story short... how do I get my kid to like me? Any tips are highly appreciated...

Thank you in advance,

The Walking Dad

His mom allows him do whatever he wants most of the time

I agree with PP who say it's just a phase. It will pass.

But this struck a chord: DH thinks I am too soft with our DC. When he says this, I think, I've been with them SO many more hours than you today, and every other day. I have learned more patience, to pick my battles, and to understand what is realistic in terms of expectations. So when you turn the small amount of interaction you have with them every day into a battle because of a bee in your bonnet about how YOU think they should do things, what possible advantages for us as a family can this have?

I cooked, cleaned up or did laundry, to help my wife.

You sound like a good dad & your toddler will grow out of this phase.

But you should ban the above phrase from your vocabulary.

You’re not HELPING your wife. It’s your responsibility, too. You both use dishes, you both wear clothes, you both eat food.

How to talk so little kids will listen is a good book.
eg, when DS won't put on coat to go out - you in baby voice 'ooo, i'm a sad little coat with no one inside me, boohoo' and a two year old will run to put his sad coat on.
Picking up their toys - Who can pick up the toys first - ONe, TWo, Three, Four. Race to pick up the toys first or fastest.
It works.
Don't discipline, play.

Don't discipline, play.

Fabulous. Yes work on strengthening your relationship with him for the foreseeable. That’s the priority now.

I would add that, having raised my toddlers and kept them safe for years while my husband was out at work, it was pretty insulting when he implied I wasn’t doing enough to keep them safe. I do think the parent who has been the primary carer, in general will have a more nuanced understanding of what it safe, what is possible, and how to pick your battles.

As I said before, important to discuss aspects of discipline, and also accept you won’t always 100% agree, but I don’t think the comments criticising the OPs approach are from man haters or are mean. There’s a lot of inbuilt inequality within marriage and parenting that is so normalised that it’s near to invisible. If the OPs wife started to work in the OPs company and asserted that she thought her way was much better, but couldn’t understand why the boss seemed to like her less, I think the majority would be pretty scathing about her approach. I realise a boss is very different from a toddler, but sometimes those with experience should be allowed to take the lead until the less experienced person has a more nuanced understanding of what works.

My DH is experiencing this with our 2.5 yo twins (boy and girl), they love him and seek him out for playtime and cuddles, he’s often tackled by both at once. But if I enter the room it’s pile on Mummy instead. If I’m in the room from the get go, they’ll both come to me for cuddles, tickles etc. even when I encourage them to go to DH (as it would make more sense if say DS is on my lap playing and cuddling then DD tries to insert herself onto my lap instead! When her Dad is right there, arms out asking for a cuddle).

He works full time, he is currently working from home and feels so guilty that they know he’s here but when he’s in “office hours” he can’t always interact with them as much as they would like, but it really, truly isn’t personal. I wouldn’t worry too much, even though I know it can be disheartening (my DD was all about her Daddy until recently so I was the one being left by her whenever DH appeared) and whilst your logical mind will say, ‘that’s fine, makes sense, I know she (he in your case of course) loves me too’, doesn’t stop that little squeeze in your chest when it happens.

If you were a bad or absent father, your DS wouldn’t be as confident and comfortable with you as he is when your wife isn’t present. I’m more the discipline driven parent here, but it’s only repeating things like “don’t try to climb the TV.”, “be careful of your brother/sister”, “we don’t throw toys at mummy’s head!” type stuff

Oh and right now my DS in particular is very possessive of me, if DH cuddles me, DS tries to pull him away or get in the middle of us, is it possible your DS might be going through a similar phase?

It is just his age. I know it is hurting you but he isn't doing it to punish you as he doesn't know about such things yet. You and his mum need to have a chat ( chat not talk) about showing a united front.

'How do I get my son to like me'? Why are you so sure he doesn't? Do you like you? This is a normal developmental stage for toddlers. My son is nearly 13 and now building distance from me and more identification with his father. This is normal as well and I certainly don't see it as rejection but I MIGHT IF I was reading the wrong thing into it. Your job here is to continue to love your son unconditionally. That's it. He is probably picking up on your anxiety and feelings of rejection so try and relax and not place too many expectations on him; this really is a normal phase and not anything to worry about.

I highly recommend 'Raising Boys' by Stephen Biddulph. An experienced family therapist, he explains that for the first 7 years of their lives, boys look to their mums for comfort and communication. From 7-14 they need a male role model in their lives (father or other relative). From 14 onwards they need a different male mentor - who is not their father. This a a very simplistic synopsis, just relying on my memory- the book is really excellent- hopefully it will reassure you in some way.

Raising Boys in the 21st Century: Completely Updated and Revised https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0008283672/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_iaxREbF41FGW2

All of Stephen Biddulph's books are worth reading. 'The Secrets of Happy Children' looks at the discipline/ boundary setting side of things which may be helpful for both you and your wife. Meanwhile, I agree with other posters that just playing and having fun with your toddler is the best thing you can do for each other right now. It's a beautiful but often tricky time.

The Complete Secrets of Happy Children: A Guide for Parents https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0007161743/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_0exREbMZ2XQCD

The other thing you could try, is to start 'playing' quietly, yourself, with something likely to be of interest, then see if he comes to you and joins in. Don't 'take' his favourite toys but do find something new or interesting, which could be a 'real' task, like watering the garden, tidying up, sweeping or mopping - toddlers often love sweeping and mopping and pouring water. A watering can, stacking cups used as water toys and a toddler mop and brush set were favourite toys here from age one and a bit, for a long time.

Or maybe start taking photos of something and see if he either wants to be in the pictures or take some. A kidizoom camera was a favourite from about his age.

There's often a tendency for parents to think either 'I want to start playing with you now, on my schedule' or 'I want you to play independently now on my schedule, so I can chat to my adult friend / read the paper / whatever'. It never works like that. With the latter scenario, you have to invest before you can reap. That is, play with the child and when, and only when, they've become engrossed in independent play, you can sneak off to do your thing, or give your attention to soemone else for a few minutes. Same principle the other way around. You invest your time and effort, then reap the rewards if and when they're offered by the child.

Btw, the only reason posters here are likely to be 'better' than you at this is because we've had more practice. We're a self-selecting group of people who are on a parenting site, chatting on a thread about parenting toddlers. It's not because we're women. It happens that more women than men are SAHPs and take on the primary care role with young children, so form the majortiy of the people offering you advice. Experience (often hard-won), not talent.

Finally, remember that you are your son's role model for all his future relationships with women. If you model being respectful, warm, enjoying your wife's company, listening to and heeding what she says, as well as taking a lead on some household tasks just because that's what adults (who aren't rich enough to pay for chefs and housekeepers) do, then you'll raise a strong, capable, emotionally competent, respectful son, who will have no difficulty impressing women, when he's older.

Btw, the only reason posters here are likely to be 'better' than you at this is because we've had more practice. We're a self-selecting group of people who are on a parenting site, chatting on a thread about parenting toddlers. It's not because we're women. It happens that more women than men are SAHPs and take on the primary care role with young children, so form the majortiy of the people offering you advice. Experience (often hard-won), not talent

This. I come from a culture where fathers tend to be more hands-on and that leads to very different perceptions about who does what naturally.

Get down to his level and play with him. Let him take the lead. Use plenty of praise for behaviour you want to see more of. Only give instructions if absolutely necessary. Leave rule setting etc for later after you have built a relationship where he wants to please you.

Have fun and be less needy.

I can see why MN gets a hard time. There’s an element of posters who will attack and criticise everyone and everything.

This guy is here to ask for advice. He’s working hard to provide for him family. So he’s accused of putting work first. He’d be accused of being a lazy manchild if he didn’t work hard.

He’s trying to be involved in his kid’s upbringing. So he’s accused of criticising his wife’s parenting styles. If he didn’t care, he’d be accused of being a shit dad.

He’s doing a share of the house admin. So he’s criticised for saying he was ‘helping’ his wife instead of owning it as his share. If he didn’t do anything, he’d be accused of being a ‘cocklodger’.

It’s exhausting. Some people are critical and nasty on here to anyone and everyone and the only people it reflects on is them.

The favourite parent thing is normal at this age and means nothing.

But as for the discipline thing. There is more than one way to discipline, especially at this age. Sometimes distraction works best rather than telling them off - which often draws attention to the fact something is "naughty" (ie: fun!) and will make them want to do it over and over.

Up until now you have worked 9am-10pm daily so you've done zero parenting 5 days a week. I am not criticising, if you've decided together that's what is best for the family then fine. But consider that your wife may know a little bit better about what works with this particular child right now, it's a job she has been doing 24/7 for 2.5 years compared to you who has been doing it for a week.

My dh has worked from home since 2 year old DD was born and is very hands on - but she treats him exactly the same way as your son treats you. He's not even allowed to wipe her poo 😂

I wouldn't worry so much - he's two. This is this first time he's been able to voice his independence and he's being very vocal about his preferences.

So he’s criticised for saying he was ‘helping’ his wife instead of owning it as his share. If he didn’t do anything, he’d be accused of being a ‘cocklodger'

Well to be fair "helping out his wife" and "being a cocklodger" aren't the only two options. The third option is seeing his share of the housework (whatever that may be considering working hours etc) as exactly that, his share. Not "helping", not "doing his wife's jobs".

There’s a lot of self-justification in your post, about how you saw so little of your child because you were too busy with work and housework. Basically a toddler doesn’t care if you’re absent because you’re playing computer games or off saving the world. You’re just a comparative stranger as far as they’re concerned. You can’t just rock up to make up for lost time with a brand-new disciplinary programme. You sound as if your child and his behaviour are complete unknowns to you, if you’re so surprised by it and your wife’s disciplinary decisions? Don’t you ever talk about your child together?

Look, lots of us work more than FT, or travel for work, and have to do the usual housework/life admin, but if we have a child, we still need to parent that child.

On the indifference of children to who you are and what you feel.

I was a SAHM, the centre of my DC's world (or so I thought). When DC was small, maybe 3 and first encountered the idea of death; via discovering that her grandparents were actually our parents and that one of them had died a long time ago. The response? 'Mummy, if you died would I get a new mummy to look after me?'.

Their world literally revolves around them and is ALL about their needs and wants. Callous little tyrants, children.

And right away, along come two posters to prove my point.

Thank you all so much for your advice. It helps a lot!
For those who got offended by the part "Whenever I had a break during my morning home-office job, I cooked, cleaned up or did laundry, to help my wife." - ( @NearlyGranny, @user1635482648, @WizardOfAus, @1300cakes)
I'm sorry, maybe I didn't make myself clear enough. I'm not one of those entitled, old-fashioned A-holes who thinks that it's a woman's "job" to do the housework. As a matter of fact, I'm the one doing the cooking, laundry and many other daily chores 75% of the time.
Maybe you missed the part where I said that I was working 2 jobs, basically from 8 AM to 10 PM (that's 14 hours a day) and whenever I had a chance to get a break, I did most of the housework as well, (Yes, to help my wife - by that I meant to help my wife be with the kiddo as much as possible instead of HER doing these things, because I DO know how important it is for a baby / toddler to have mom around as much as possible).
So stop misreading and picking on every detail, searching for a reason to criticize. I already know I'm far from perfect and that's why I'm here.
I just need you to tell me how to improve myself and my relationship with my kid whom I love and trying my best for. (even though I know it's never enough)
If you've got good PARENTING advise, (and I can see that most people here do and thank you all for the great and useful things you advised) then by all means, go ahead and write it.
If you're here to fantasize what a $#!t husband I MIGHT be, just leave that part to my wife to decide
So now that the "help my wife" part has been explained and leaves no room for further misinterpretation and frustration in this thread, thank you all again for your advise, I highly appreciate it and I find your advice really helpful indeed. I learnt a lot today

6yo DS still loves me more than DH, despite DH doing plenty with him and being the one who goes to him when he wakes up at night. DS actually finds it a bit odd that he does but still feels that way.

It's probably an age thing though. DS had the same extreme feelings when he was a toddler.

Your wife isn't a stay at home mum if she has a job.
Cooking, cleaning, looking after your own child isn't helping your wife, you should be doing these things anyway, its kinda odd that you weren't.
Kids often have a favourite parent, its normal. Don't worry about it. The more he gets used to you being around, the more he'll want to interact you. It could be a couple of days, it could be a couple of weeks, but it will happen :)
You might also want to not call your wifes parenting a problem, she has been taking care of your son for far longer than you have, and if you have an issue with what she is doing why didn't you say something before?

I don’t know if you ever watched “The Dinosaurs” growing up @thewalkingdad but I show clips of Baby Sinclair shouting “Not the Momma!” To my husband whenever he feels a bit left out and it makes him chuckle, might give you one too?

I would also say take the “help” message on board to a point, my DH often told his friends he was “helping me” by sorting odd jobs until I asked him not to refer to it as help, because that implies it wasn’t his responsibility normally. He was shocked because he’d never considered that and just said it because, well he didn’t think there was any subtext to helping. He thinks it’s a bit batshit, but because he knew how I felt about it he stopped saying he was helping and just said, doing my bit.

My waffling point is, it’s likely you didn’t mean any of this either when posting, but many here have direct or indirect experience of men who really do see any lifting of a finger around the house as “wife work” and will use statements like “I helped” in an effort to justify how little they actually contribute in household tasks and or the raising of children - especially when they’re at the newborn part of parenting (which can be hell!). That’s why it can get a backlash from so many I think.

Okay Op, when my DS was born I spent over minute with him. My OH was bonding with our baby but he always preferred me. When he got to 6 months, I felt bad for my OH & realised I’m standing in their way of a decent relationship. So I backed off, I let them have more time together without me. If my son wanted me I’d be there but I’d never take over. If your son gives his bottle to his mum to give back, your wife needs to give it back to you to give to him or refuse to take it. You need more time with your son doing fun things just the two of you!

Although I have to admit, I went too far now my son prefer daddy, he has daddy over me any day but I’m okay with that. We have a great bond he knows I love him & we do a lot together. A daddy & son bond is so special your wife needs to take a step back and let you take over