Am I a bad father?

[thewalkingdad]

I've got a two and a half year old son.

I love him more than anything in the world.

Up until recently though, I had been working 2 jobs, home-office in the morning, until about 1:00 PM and a full time job in the afternoon, so I was away from home from 1:30 PM until 10:00 PM.

Whenever I had a break during my morning home-office job, I cooked, cleaned up or did laundry, to help my wife.

While she is at home all the time, she does have a part time home-office job which requires her attention a few hours a day, so I helped with the housework wherever I could.

Long story short, up until recently I used to spend a lot of time stuck in front of my computer, at work, or working around the house.

So yes. I was away. A LOT. And I didn't have a chance to spend time with my kid as much as I wish I had.

Recently I took paternity leave.

I've been spending more time with my son trying to catch up with the lost love.

When his mom is away he's ok with me.

But every time she is around he pushes me away. And that's most of the day, as you can imagine.

Now I'm spending most of the day dealing with rejection. I want to do things with him and for him, like feed him, wash him, change his clothes, play with him, watch TV together, put him to bed, go for a walk, you-name-it!

He rejects me every single time. All I hear from morning till evening is "Mommy, NOT daddy!"

If I bring him the bottle of water he grabs it from my hands and gives it to his mom to give it back to him as if it came from her, not from me.

You get the picture.

He doesn't hug me, he doesn't want me around.

Sometimes it seems that he loves his teddy bear more than he cares about me.

Most of the time when his mom is around he just ignores me. The rest of the time he pushes me away.

I'm not jealous, but it hurts, because I try my best.

At the same time, there's another problem.

His mom allows him do whatever he wants most of the time. I'm trying to teach him certain things, like cleaning up after himself, not smashing things around, washing his hands, not playing somewhere or with something which is not quite safe for his age.

Call me cautious, or "bad cop" or whatever you want, but I admit I'm a bit more strict about discipline than his mom is, so with his mom there are no rules, whereas I try to teach him what's good or wrong, as much as I can.

Long story short... how do I get my kid to like me? Any tips are highly appreciated...

Thank you in advance,

The Walking Dad

How bothered is your wife if he smashes the blinds? How would she deal with it?

Why does this matter? Even if his wife is over the moon that their ds is smashing the blinds, it doesn't mean the OP has to be. Ridiculous comment.

The fact OP has come to strangers on the internet rather than asking his DW and following her lead, is telling imo.

You think its telling that the OP is doing what hundreds of people do on a daily on mn - start threads for advice? I think its rather telling that you would spout that line and expect OP to follow what his DW does, rather than acknowledge that two people can have different parenting styles.

The OP is experiencing what a lot of parents go through, you can bet your arse you wouldn't be here telling a woman going through the same thing that she just needs to follow her husbands lead!

He's two and a half. That you don't think much of your wife comes across in spades. Maybe join in, instead of trying to change everything to your view of how it should be done and you might have a bit more success.

Rejecting of one parent in favour of the other in 2 year olds is totally normal.
My 3 year old yells ‘not you’ at her dad when she calls out for me at night and he goes in.
Don’t take it personally.

If you haven’t been there (you have been understandably been working) but you can’t suddenly just expect your toddler to instantly not want his mother who is his safe person.

Why does this matter? Even if his wife is over the moon that their ds is smashing the blinds, it doesn't mean the OP has to be. Ridiculous comment.

I think you missed my point. PP got it.

Thank you all for your advice! A lot of you have helped indeed.
I would say what I learned but I know my words would get twisted around by all the "Freuds" out there who would analyse and figure out the whole set of issues I've had and wasn't even aware of.
Jeez, I had no idea I could get "professional" psychiatric help so cheap! That was a bargain!
For the ones who actually helped, it is much appreciated. I'll take the good advice and be on my way now. I know we'll be ok.
For the frustrated ones out there, I feel sorry for what you're going through. I hope things get better for you too.
All the best!

You really don't understand how AIBU works, do you?

Confessions perhaps read all my posts before you jump to 'guess' what I mean.

Show me a thread by a DM who hasn't been the primary carer of her DC, who shows a lack of understanding of child development and psychology, and who has decided now she can be more involved that she has to 'teach' her toddler DC how to behave, because her DH hasn't. Oh, and who calls any housework or wife work, her 'helping her DH'. I'd say I'll wait but I won't because you won't find one.

You have my sympathies OP - it must be very difficult.

Me and DH have two sons, one who is 6 and the other is almost 3.

DH is an excellent dad, very hands on, is home from 5pm every day to see them, we get loads of family time etc and both boys still have an obvious preference for me - they always have had.

No matter what they want, it will always me they come to and if they are hurt or upset it will always be me they come and find.

I do feel a bit bad for DH when they always want me but he just rolls his eyes, smiles and reckons that the majority (not all) of young children will always have a preference for the mother - going back to the initial bonds formed with pregnancy, breast feeding, maternity leave etc etc.

I’m far stricter with the boys in terms of managing their behaviour, making sure school work is done, brushing their teeth, tidying their rooms etc - my DH probably think I run a tight ship whereas he will let them get away with stuff that I wouldn’t. They still prefer me though

On the flip side though, I think DH can overreact massively to a behaviour (especially of the 3 year old) that I would consider age appropriate. So whereas I will take the child’s age/development into consideration when a bad behaviour is observed and respond appropriately, my DH just sees it in a very black and white manner and will start disciplining heavily for something that I consider to be an expected action. I don’t think his overreactions do him any favours if I’m honest because he seems to think you can handle a misbehaving 3 and 6 year old in the same way you would handle a misbehaving teenager.

I guess my point is that even though my DH is around a lot, very hands on with the children and overall is the least strict parent, our children still prefer me, so don’t worry that his preference is because of something you have done ‘wrong’ (for want of a better word).

Just keep doing what you’re doing in terms of trying to spend more time with him and see how things progress. As has been said by many previous posters, young children preferring one parent over another is incredibly common.

As has also been suggested, you also need to sit down with your wife and talk about your son’s behaviours and how to manage them so he’s getting the same response from both of you.

I would say what I learned but I know my words would get twisted around by all the "Freuds" out there who would analyse and figure out the whole set of issues I've had and wasn't even aware of*
Jeez, I had no idea I could get "professional" psychiatric help so cheap!

It’s AIBU. Some people think you’re UR - you really don’t like that, do you.

I don't think you're alone in this, my husband also feels the same and also that I'm too lax with the kids. It's not your fault but there is a gender divide with caring and housework. The approach to discipline is different if you're spending 12 hours a day with a child on top of housework and part time work to if you just pop downstairs and tell them to tidy up. If you're with your child all day you realise sometimes that mess and different behaviours are part of their normal development and you see them being good, kind, quietly well behaved which are far quieter behaviours than when they have a tantrum or tip out a box of toys. You can't have your cake and eat it, it's not to be sniffed at that you work hard and long hours to provide for your family, but it is often a more straightforward life than spending most of your time caring for a young child and for you too (i.e cleaning your clothes, your plates, the bathroom you use) so what your wife is doing should be given at least equal respect.

My DCs are grown up. One thing I realised once DCs were grown that some of my ideas about being strict and good behaviour were because of how I wanted to be seen by everyone else. Epitomize a good sensible mother, devoted but involved with my DCs, as clearly coming from a 'good' home myself with good values (which wasn't really the case). So it was my insecurities that were influencing my decisions about discipline. I was a SAHM for most of the DCs younger year so that probably fed into this.
I don't think small DCs are naughty or need discipline. They just need attention and distraction from doing things they shouldn't. Which means almost constant involvement by their DM or DF (unless they are asleep) until they can sit in front of a screen happily. Then you get short bits of peace and quiet.

I had no idea I could get "professional" psychiatric help so cheap! That was a bargain!

Perhaps you should pay for professional psychiatric help and start by digging into why you’re so angry about internet strangers simply pointing out you’re not “helping” your wife with chores.

Yes, but there are 138 posts. So say about 50 people pointing out that you're not 'helping' your wife would be a teensy bit annoying for anyone.

Your responses are such a mix of thanks, defensiveness and resentment that I don't think we've actually been much help.

I do think the Steve Biddulph books are great, as recommended by a PP.

My key suggestion, if you're willing to put your animosity because I called you on your 'helping' comment to one side, is that telling a toddler NOT to do things is futile. If he's whacking things with his toy car, get down on the floor, get his playmat out and show him how the cars travel. Get another car and have races. Get the Brio out and build a circuit for his trains. Get the play kitchen out and 'cook' supper together. Just make a game of putting one thing away before getting the rest out.

If you expect to be able to do anything else at the same time as supervising his play, you've lost him before you start. Keep up a running commentary on his play to boost his vocabulary: "Oh, your red car is going over the bridge - my green car is going to go under it! You're going round the corner..."

If you give 100% creatively when you're with him - yes, it's tiring! - he will be too engaged and interested to do the destructive things you're helplessly telling him not to.

Long story short: don't tell him what not to do; show him what to do by joining in.

Wow I wish my husband would want to spend time with his children as much as you do! You seem like a great father. I think it's just a phase. Maybe try doing something fun like baking and take photos while you're doing it so afterwards you can both reminiscence on the fun time you had while baking

Talking to myself here, because I want to; the 'learning point' from my discussion with my 3yo about death, upthread, was that, to a small child, 'Mummy' is a role not a person.

They care that someone performs the tasks associated with 'Mummy and Daddy', that benefit them. They're not really that fussed who 'Mummy and Daddy' are. They don't have the insight or empathy (theory of mind) to understand 'person', outside themselves.

Still very defensive and unwilling to hear the justified criticism of many women on this thread when it came to your choice of language about your shared responsibilities. It speaks volumes that you weren't willing to even consider you might have something to learn in that department.

This thread is very odd. If it was a woman posting saying she is working full time + whilst cooking, cleaning etc. While her husband was playing with their child. We’d all be up in arms! Telling her to dump him, run for the hills! Nothing like a bit of blatant sexism.

Nothing like a bit of blatant sexism.

Well it wouldn't be Mumsnet without sexism...

@greytexpectations your right!

Poor bloke looking for friendly advice & gets this

Looking for friendly advice - in AIBU? A question that invites the answer 'yes, you are!'

This isn't the parenting board, or behaviour and development. This is a question posed by him, about him.

As it happens, he's gained vast amounts of really thoughtful, constructive advice and people have been quick to reassure him that he's not 'bad' just unpractised. Seems more than fair to me!