Am I a bad father?

[thewalkingdad]

I've got a two and a half year old son.

I love him more than anything in the world.

Up until recently though, I had been working 2 jobs, home-office in the morning, until about 1:00 PM and a full time job in the afternoon, so I was away from home from 1:30 PM until 10:00 PM.

Whenever I had a break during my morning home-office job, I cooked, cleaned up or did laundry, to help my wife.

While she is at home all the time, she does have a part time home-office job which requires her attention a few hours a day, so I helped with the housework wherever I could.

Long story short, up until recently I used to spend a lot of time stuck in front of my computer, at work, or working around the house.

So yes. I was away. A LOT. And I didn't have a chance to spend time with my kid as much as I wish I had.

Recently I took paternity leave.

I've been spending more time with my son trying to catch up with the lost love.

When his mom is away he's ok with me.

But every time she is around he pushes me away. And that's most of the day, as you can imagine.

Now I'm spending most of the day dealing with rejection. I want to do things with him and for him, like feed him, wash him, change his clothes, play with him, watch TV together, put him to bed, go for a walk, you-name-it!

He rejects me every single time. All I hear from morning till evening is "Mommy, NOT daddy!"

If I bring him the bottle of water he grabs it from my hands and gives it to his mom to give it back to him as if it came from her, not from me.

You get the picture.

He doesn't hug me, he doesn't want me around.

Sometimes it seems that he loves his teddy bear more than he cares about me.

Most of the time when his mom is around he just ignores me. The rest of the time he pushes me away.

I'm not jealous, but it hurts, because I try my best.

At the same time, there's another problem.

His mom allows him do whatever he wants most of the time. I'm trying to teach him certain things, like cleaning up after himself, not smashing things around, washing his hands, not playing somewhere or with something which is not quite safe for his age.

Call me cautious, or "bad cop" or whatever you want, but I admit I'm a bit more strict about discipline than his mom is, so with his mom there are no rules, whereas I try to teach him what's good or wrong, as much as I can.

Long story short... how do I get my kid to like me? Any tips are highly appreciated...

Thank you in advance,

The Walking Dad

To answer your question op it's normal for children to prefer one prefer one parent when they are young. It's more than likely going to be the parent they are with most of the time. You're not a bad dad. Just try and come to some middle ground on the discipline.

@notsorighteousthesedays
I'm not replacing anyone. His mom and I are happily married, and we love each other. ;)
Yes, he knows who I am. I've been around since he was born, even though I've been putting in long hours trying to make ends meet.
I don't know who hurt you and I apologize on behalf of all male population, but you need to chill. Don't make this about your frustrations, I just came here asking for advice on how to improve my relationship with my kid whom I love.
I expect women are better at this than men are, in general, hence my hope to find advice and support in here.
Thank you, everyone else.

Don't worry OP, it's just his age. All my kids were like that when they were younger. My two boys are 6 and 10 now and love spending time with DH. He's more fun than me :)

At 2.5 he’s too little for too much ‘discipline’. Also you need to spend some time following him in terms of play - enter his world for a bit, rather than imposing your needs or ideas about what he should do.

Maybe he’s rejecting you because he felt rejected by you for a while? Give him time, take it on the chin. He loves you because you’re his dad, full stop.

@notsorighteousthesedays where does OP say he is critical of everything his wife or child does? He was in the house everyday till 1 pm plus holidays etc, of course the child knows who he is. Asking advice on a fairly common issue when one parent takes a more involved role is perfectly reasonable. No need to respond like that.

I think I agree with the age thing. It was like that with my son too, preferred to be with me when he was younger. But now enjoys more hands on physical play with my dh, which I don't enjoy so much.

OP, sorry to see thread got derailed. Hope you were able to read past that bit to see that apart from that one poster, there is pretty well consensus (unusual for MN): you need to be patient, not expect too much be aware of normal child development, and make teaching fun (modelling, playfulness etc) if you possibly can.

And above all, unconditional love. At some stage he is quite likely to tell you that "I don't love you, daddy. I love my teddy and I love mummy, but I don't love you." The correct answer to this one is "That's ok, because I love you enough for both of us and I will always love you." This is a teaching moment: what you are teaching him is that he is too little for his emotions (which are very strong and uncontrollable at 2-3) to do harm: there is someone there who is big and strong and loving enough to protect him whatever. And eventually you will see him grow into that strong and loving and unshakeable person- and that is a sweet feeling indeed.

@notsorighteousthesedays you a classic man hater which cant help but bash any male who dares come on here? Maybe you should work on your own issues before trying to offer advice to other people.

@thewalkingdad Please ignore the evil PP above.

The fact you are even questioning whether you're doing the right thing as a father, proves what a good father you are! You're not away because you're having fun, you're providing for your family.

I have no proactive advice as such, as my daughter's Dad is no longer around. However I will say that your son and your wife are very fortunate & frankly, blessed to have you!

Remember, nobody is perfect! And parenting does not come with an 'example' to go by

and YYY to entering his world!

Ah I'm sorry you're feeling bad. My dh has a normal 9-5 job and so gets to spend more time with our son than you do but my lo has done all the things you describe and has a strong preference for me over him. I've read quite a bit about it and it's very normal for children to have 'favourites' and it's no reflection on you or how much your son loves you. My son was probably at his 'worst' with his preference at around the age your son is now. My lo is 4 now and is much more even handed with us both and will happily go with his dad or play with him. He still wants me for wake up and bedtime and if he's upset but it's a lot less intense than it was. So I honestly think your son will grow out it in the near future.

Regarding the other issue of your wife letting your son do anything he wants. I'm with you and I agree that children should have boundaries and also not be allowed to make mindless mess and to look after their toys etc... I don't think you being 'bad cop' impacts your sons preference for your wife, I'm basing that on the fact that I'm stricter with my lo than my dh and he still favours me. But I do think that you and your wife need to work as a team and back each other up when it comes to parenting. It's better for you son to have a consistent message. Maybe talk to your wife and see if you can come to agreement to show a united front on some key things.

My toddler is doing that now. I actually find amusing when she won't leave her dad alone.

Definitely normal for toddlers in particular to have phases of preferring one parent over the other and even playing one off against the other. They are learning how to get what they need/want through interaction.

It's also probably true that if his mum has been more the hands on carer up till now, this change is disconcerting for him. If you haven't been especially hands on, you will need to build a different aspect to your relationship now that you are.

My biggest recommendation is talk to your wife. The best way to work through this is as a team who he can't play off against one another. Other than that, lots of positive language and reinforcement, limit negative language and the word 'no' so he knows you really mean it when you say it, and join in his play rather than trying to get him to do something new. And be very, very patient.

You have had good advice on here a) that this is a normal phase which pretty much all kids go through, it's part of their making choices and being demanding and trying to control their universe, it's horrid being the unpopular parent but it is normal and b) perhaps the time to start setting the rules isn't now, if you don't feel you have a great bond- try just being, doing, playing, having fun and very slowly set the standards you want by modelling. If you start being the parent that always says 'no', you aren't going to create the enjoyable relaxing association you want with your child. That doesn't mean don't discipline, it means establish the strong relationship bond, affection and joint interests and then move forward to model what you want.

@HavenDilemma
I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

It is normal. Before lockdown, I visited my cousin. She is married with a two year old daughter. All day, the daughter was screaming "mummy not daddy", and panicking if her mum went out of the room.

He came out of his mother's body, so of course he is going to have more attachment to her, especially in the early years.

Pride yourself on all the things that you are doing well

Don't worry op, he's a typical 2 year old toddler - all mine went through this phase, most toddlers will do this at some point and it can be very hurtful (and frustrating!) but they grow out of it. I had about 4 years of my first dd doing this to me ("no, not mummy! I want DADDY!!"), my eldest son did the same the first 3 years, and my youngest dd went through a phase of only wanting me for a while. But as they grow older (and more rational!) It does change I promise! Sounds like you are trying your best.

So yes. I was away. A LOT. And I didn't have a chance to spend time with my kid as much as I wish I had

He’s not as familiar with you as he is his mum.

At the same time, there's another problem

His mom allows him do whatever he wants most of the time

Was his mum’s way of doing things always “a problem” or just now you can see it? Have you discussed this as a team, or have you come in and started to say “no” a lot? Is your risk assessment for your son as finely tuned as your wife - or is she putting him in danger?

It’s very easy for the parent who isn’t doing the lions share to be critical of the “lack of discipline” from the other parent and feel that they would do better. I get this off my ex and it’s vile. You are not there 24/7 so do not know how hard she is trying or how difficult it is to enforce rules on a toddler. Back off and accept she knows what she’s doing, knows her child, and you might just build a better relationship with both.

Op when you were a toddler - didnt you orefer your mother to your father?

We all did!

Our mother literally gives us life, we were inside her, of course we are all more attached to our mother for the first couple of years

He’s 2 and a half.

Haven’t you heard of the “terrible twos”?

Don’t take it personally, he doesn’t understand what he’s doing.

Clareblue - I read it all the way through

It's totally normal. Children go through phases of preferring one parent over the other and actually it's just as tough for the 'in' parent as for the rejected one because they don't get a minutes peace.

Speaking from experience, you need to be wary of criticising your partner's parenting. It's human nature to look for reasons why kids do this -'she lets him get away with stuff, whereas I want him to behave'. It's not helpful and it's not the reason why this is happening.

Dh and I were brought up with very very different models of parenting and we've had a lot of problems whereby we've each accused the other of doing it wrong, just because it's not been something that we've been used to. Also your child will pick up on it very quickly (again speaking from experience!).

My dd (just turned 2) doesn't see much of my DP compared to me. He's a doctor so spends a lot of time in the hospital, especially now! She has gone through phases of rejecting him, particularly at night when he wants to do bedtime stories. She just screamed for me. My brother has had the same from his daughter and I know he found it difficult.

It is just a phase however. At the moment, despite DP being at work most days / nights, when he is home, she just wants him. I'm just chopped liver!

Could you find an activity that just you and your son could do together? DD loves building towers with her dad and they watch Mickey Mouse on Disney+ together. Take it slowly. You're his dad and he does love you!

With regards to discipline, I think different approaches aren't always bad. Speak to your wife regarding sticking together on certain things, but I think most parents have slightly differing ways of dealing with minor issues and that's not a bad thing. Ultimately, as adults, we know that people have different ways of dealing with things. Childhood teaches us that. But as a PP said, we need to pick our battles, especially with toddlers! I used to think I was pretty patient before I had kids. I've had to take it to a whole new level as mine generally behaves like a lunatic.

It's a phase, that's all. The more you do around the house to make things run smoothly (it's not called 'helping' your wife - don't wait to be asked or expect instructions) the more time the child's mother will have to top up his need for her attention. When that isn't in such short supply, your child will be more relaxed and value time with you more.

I see you are on paternity leave: if there's a new baby in the house, all bets are off anyway! That's a huge adjustment for everyone. Remember you're a team, pitch in cheerfully and let everyone know you love them. You can't go wrong except by becoming jealous, resentful or sulky. Leave that to the toddler. 😉

It's very common for a small child with a new sibling to demand mummy at every turn. My twins lay on the landing sobbing inconsolably and squeezing their fingers under the bathroom door when I dared take a bath shortly before their baby sister was born. They didn't want daddy at any price. Not very relaxing!