Am I a bad father?

[thewalkingdad]

I've got a two and a half year old son.

I love him more than anything in the world.

Up until recently though, I had been working 2 jobs, home-office in the morning, until about 1:00 PM and a full time job in the afternoon, so I was away from home from 1:30 PM until 10:00 PM.

Whenever I had a break during my morning home-office job, I cooked, cleaned up or did laundry, to help my wife.

While she is at home all the time, she does have a part time home-office job which requires her attention a few hours a day, so I helped with the housework wherever I could.

Long story short, up until recently I used to spend a lot of time stuck in front of my computer, at work, or working around the house.

So yes. I was away. A LOT. And I didn't have a chance to spend time with my kid as much as I wish I had.

Recently I took paternity leave.

I've been spending more time with my son trying to catch up with the lost love.

When his mom is away he's ok with me.

But every time she is around he pushes me away. And that's most of the day, as you can imagine.

Now I'm spending most of the day dealing with rejection. I want to do things with him and for him, like feed him, wash him, change his clothes, play with him, watch TV together, put him to bed, go for a walk, you-name-it!

He rejects me every single time. All I hear from morning till evening is "Mommy, NOT daddy!"

If I bring him the bottle of water he grabs it from my hands and gives it to his mom to give it back to him as if it came from her, not from me.

You get the picture.

He doesn't hug me, he doesn't want me around.

Sometimes it seems that he loves his teddy bear more than he cares about me.

Most of the time when his mom is around he just ignores me. The rest of the time he pushes me away.

I'm not jealous, but it hurts, because I try my best.

At the same time, there's another problem.

His mom allows him do whatever he wants most of the time. I'm trying to teach him certain things, like cleaning up after himself, not smashing things around, washing his hands, not playing somewhere or with something which is not quite safe for his age.

Call me cautious, or "bad cop" or whatever you want, but I admit I'm a bit more strict about discipline than his mom is, so with his mom there are no rules, whereas I try to teach him what's good or wrong, as much as I can.

Long story short... how do I get my kid to like me? Any tips are highly appreciated...

Thank you in advance,

The Walking Dad

I cooked, cleaned up or did laundry, to help my wife.

Oh, would you not need food or clean clothes on your own account?

@HavenDilemma - what are you talking about? You don’t agree with my comment so I must be ‘evil’? How does that work?

tbh I wish there was less of that "we gave birth to them" stuff around and more awareness that bonding is about actual engagement

I have 2 biological siblings and one adopted ones: the 3 of us who are biological don't have some extra mystical connection to our mum because we came out of her body: the one who was adopted (at the same age as the OPs ds) is equally close because of the work she put into bonding with all of her children

and also very close to our dad- because of the bonding work he put in

Yeah it’s just a phase but what really matters is how you deal with it.

You’re going to have to be infinitely patient and tolerant. Be consistently nice to him. Don’t argue with him over petty things. It’s difficult for him to accept your authority after just being around mum most of the time.

What is more of a worry is that you and your wife may have different ideas about how to parent, perhaps exposing different values. It’s important to present a consistent united front to your son but that is going to take some thinking about and good communication. As a pp said pick your battles. Not everything matters that much.

To answer your title - no, you're not a bad dad. It sounds like your little one is attempting to use some control although too young to understand. Maybe your wife could support you a bit more ? So if you give him his bottle and he gives it back to your wife to give to him then she needs to refuse to take it back or give it to him. Otherwise it's just reinforcing to him that he can 'control' who does what.
Our DD was like it but the other way and when she was a toddler/little girl she seemed to 'prefer' her Dad then it seemed to change (no idea why, we both sang from the same hymn sheet). Now, as a teenager, she's definitely a 'mummy's girl'.
It's hard not to take it personally but carry on being a great Dad and you'll get there - kids are complex little things!

That's the way of SM these days @notsorighteousthesedays I am afraid. You can't just be disagreed with, you have you corrected/cancelled/shamed/drubbed to within an inch of your life for not toeing the party line.

While I didn't agree entirely with what notso said, I do think that it's quite common for the less hands on parents to swan in and start criticising and wanting to "adjust" things when they have more time to notice how things are operating. Without wishing to be cliched, it's a marathon not a sprint, your child isn't ruined because his mother does things differently, there's no real urgency to change things. I'd sit back and just enjoy him for a bit rather than rushing to implement New Rules! and structures.

And you are a good dad.

My dad wasn't there for me at all as a child. I went to my Dad's house as an adult. And he sent me a letter saying that he didnt want to know me and he never wanted to see me again.

So compared to other dads out there, you are an amazing dad. Your child is lucky.

Honestly its his age. Mine have ALL gone through stages of preferring me, or their dad or their nana.
It got embarrassing at times when trying to collect from nursery and they were screaming for someone else. You have to try and not take it personally as it will definitely pass

I agree it's totally normal/just a phase. You will find he will start enjoying your company more and I know lots of people who prefer spending time with their dads over their mums lol.

Don't feel bad for having to work, everyone does and if you didn't your wife would need to work more meaning he would have to have more childcare.

I think it's great how much effort you're making - it is lovely to hear when a female is making so much effort but when a hard-working male shows that side too it really is great!

I don’t think you sound like a bad dad at all. It’s really normal for kids to have favourites at this age, even when both parents are around a lot. It’s just them trying to push boundaries and find some control. My DD was all about me and wouldn’t even let my partner pick her up if she was crying in the night, but a few weeks ago she switched and now daddy has to do everything! (What a shame )

Is there anything fun you do just the two of you?

I also agree it’s his age.
My son, who is also 2 and a half does it to my husband all the time I’m around.
He doesn’t do it when I’m out.
Just make sure you spend time with him one on one. I always ‘let’ my son do it. It’s not worth the fight and I know he’ll grow out of it as my daughter used to do it too.
My husband was sad when my daughter started doing it, as she was our first. She loves spending time with her dad and the phase only lasted about 6 months.

You know what being a good father is?

Doing what your BOY needs, not what YOU need.

So you want to play but he doesn’t? Do the housework instead. You want to watch tv with but he wants his mum? Make the dinner so your wife can do it.

Your son does not know when or if you are going to disappear again in your work. So he’s made a very good secure choice, his mum.

So your home your requires you to be away (within the house) until 1pm except for breaks, but you help where you can so your wife can what, squeeze in her home working as and when you can have a break to help? Nice.

Anyway, you've got to remember your son is two and a half. He doesn't know why you're not around. It makes no difference to him if the reason you're away from him a lot because you're working super hard to provide, or if it was because you're useless and don't care. He has no concept of why you do anything you do and won't for a long while yet.

You keep saying how hard you're trying and how you're only away due to work, as though he should cut you some slack because you have good reasons. Sadly his reality is just that he doesn't see dad as much as mum so he tends to prefer her. That's not anyone's fault, it just is what it is. Spend lots of play time with him, led by him. You can soon build that bond. What do you do at weekends? You presumably don't work those hours 7 days a week?

I'd say, ease back on the discipline. Discuss with your wife (away from him, eg after bed) what rules you think a 2 and a half year old should have bearing in mind his age. Make sure your expectations are developmentally appropriate, and decide together where the boundaries are so you can parent consistently, together. Bear in mind your wife has been doing the bulk of the childcare and likely understands your son better, including which battles to choose.

You're not going to win any favour with you son if you are suddenly around and spend that time telling him what to do and disciplining him, of course he's going to prefer his mum. Similarly you're not going to win any favour with your wife if, as soon as you are able to be a more involved parent, you go round telling her all the ways she is doing it wrong. She has been parenting, successfully. She is likely to have a much better idea than you.

What things do you think your son should be doing that your wife doesn't make him do?

That “evil” comment is a bit ott I get what that poster was saying and though clumsily put, it’s not evil lol. Women are plenty mean to other women on this site too so doubt its man bashing too.

But OP I Missed the “paternity leave” bit as you mentioned it so casually, like your lives have not just been turned upside down but a new family member arriving and all of your time now being divided between the existing child and the new one.

That’s so unsettling and your son has definitely picked up on how he must share mum with a new baby. He probably views your time as a bit of a consolation prize at the moment.

I think you’ve been given some great advice so won’t repeat but now is truely the time to be on the same page as your wife, and take a bit of time to prioritise the kid feeling loved and secure over discipline. He needs to know he’s not being rejected or doing anything wrong and that you love him just as much with a new baby.

Unfortunately part of being a parent is putting your feelings to one side for the good of the child, and often playing the long game.

make sure he feels loved now and in 5 years you will be the apple of his eye and get it all back times 100.

Good luck and congratulations on your growing family

Also just to reiterate, be led by him. Don't make him play what you want to play because you've got an image of how the afternoon will look. Perhaps not being able to be around much means you haven't learnt that early parenting lesson that things almost never go the way you want them where young kids are involved!!

• I cooked, cleaned up or did laundry, to help my wife.

Oh, would you not need food or clean clothes on your own account?*

Bloody hell he can't do right for doing wrong can he? If he didn't do anything in the house to help his wife he'd get called a cocklodger.

I have three children. The first two wanted me at that stage, all the time. It’s quite wearing, wrangling a two year old. Number three wanted Dad and Dad discovered that being wanted all the time was no bowl of cherries!

That said, it’s very common to have differences in discipline and if they are extreme, it can lead to difficulties. Do you feel your wife is putting your son in danger? That is implied when you suggest you are trying to teach him not to play in places that are unsafe or with things which are not safe for his age. Perhaps you can discuss this with her away from your son. I think there is balance required - children need to learn about risk to some degree. My personal feeling is that children are sometimes wrapped so much in cotton wool that they aren’t given the freedom to learn.

Pain evolved for a reason: it’s a much better teacher than you are. Children who put a finger to something hot learn quickly not to do it again. If they do no major damage in the process, then it can be a useful experience... and that, for me, is the balancing act: letting them have enough freedom to learn while protecting them from significant harm.

Children are also very tempted by forbidden things. When they’re young stopping them touching plugs is useful and telling them not to touch is not wrong, but may have the opposite effect from the one you want. If they know it’s forbidden, they’ll do it when you’re not around. As soon as mine were old enough, I explained it was better not to touch, but that the dangerous current ran through the metal, so if they did touch the plug, they had the knowledge of how to do so safely.

So maybe you need to discuss your different approaches to risk and see if you can find some common ground. But as long as you love your son, then he will come to understand in time. My Dad was stricter than my Mum. As an adult, I love them equally, because I can see easily that regardless of discipline, both loved me very much.

Get on the same page as your wife.
Discuss your attitudes and come to some consensus. Even little kids are smart and will see that there is a disagreement which they can take advantage of - plus your wife may well be a little pissed off that you take leave and start trying to change things and overrule her without discussion.

Sounds normal.

You and your wife need to be on the same page with 'rules' and to have that discussion away from your child.

Try to look at things from the child's point of view.

(And stop trying to impose a responsibility to fulfill your needs and wishes on a two year-old).

A similar, totally normal thing, is for young children to take the parent they spend all day with totally for granted, then make a huge song and dance when the other parent comes home. Pretty frustrating for the 'does all the hard parenting work' parent, when the 'one hour each evening' one gets to be the fun, popular one!

Your situation might swing in that direction. Eventually it will level out.

Both my boys went through this but at a younger age, i would leave them with their dad and go in another room or upstairs (she'll be glad of the break lol) start off by doing nice things with him, puzzles, play dough etc to try and keep him occupied but bond at the same time. You could incorporate things like hand washing into that, or tidy up before starting something new. I was going to say take him out but you can't lol, you could go for a walk though.
If he asks for mummy, tell him mummy's busy and she will be back soon.
You and your wife need to be on the same page about everything including discipline though. You'll get there and he does love you because you're his daddy

My husband has always gone straight to our children as soon as he's finished work too and plays with them, watches tv with them on his lap etc

Hi OP, I have not read all the responses here so I’m not sure if anybody has recommended this, but you need to start by getting your wife on the same page as you because she is allowing your son’s behaviour in rejecting you by overriding what you’re trying to teach him, for instance when he takes the bottle off you and gives it to mum to give back to him she should give the bottle to you to give back to him, that way mum is showing him what you are doing is ok and what he’s doing is not acceptable, that you and your wife are on the same page and he slowly becomes to realise you are a team and his rejecting you won’t work , hope that makes sense

It's a phase. Also you should just stop trying so hard. You can't force a child to want to intersect with you. I've had years of experience with children, and a lot of children prefer to be the one to come to you. Spend time being around him, but not trying to get him to do things. Just be there and eventually he will come to you. You can't expect a child to just turn their back on their main caregiver because you turn up.

Are you in America? Just wondered with the mom use.

I agree with pp that it's normal. My nearly 3 year old son pretty much ignored his dad/my husband for the first 2 years of his life (and DH even did shared parental leave with me so he'd been caring for him solo a lot!). DS is much better now - in fact, he went through a very clingy phase with DH to the point I felt a bit left out! So just play with him, engage with him, chat to him and he will soon come round. Also go easy on "rules" - definitely better to lead by example and encourage him to help than impose strict rules on him and tell him off. For example, "put your toys away!" will generally be met by a defiant "No!" in this house, but if I say, "oh look at this mess! Let's clean up!" and start tidying away, DS always run to help and has now started tidying up by himself when he sees it's messy. So I would just advise having realistic expectations of 2 year olds.