Since adolescence, I’ve had a difficult relationship with my father. He is a classic narcissist. He’s extremely charming and charismatic, intelligent and interesting, but behind closed doors, unfeeling and capable of cruelty. When I was fifteen, we had an argument (one of many, typical teenage stuff) and he didn’t speak a work to me again until I was twenty one, despite living under the same roof for three years of that time. It was all very strange, it was as though I was invisible.
Once he resumed speaking to me, it was a couple of sentences a week, all very stilted and awkward. It improved slightly over the years, but things always remained awkward and uncomfortable, and we certainly never had any meaningful conversation.
My DD (now seven) loves my father. She adores him. He is so exciting, and fun in her eyes. I was dubious about allowing a relationship to develop between them, as I am aware of his unpleasant side, but it was impractical to prevent it, as I am extremely close to my mother, so when I would go to see her, of course my father was also in the house.
Three years ago, my parents divorced. Throughout their marriage, he had had one affair after another, and finally left to marry his latest mistress. Before my parents separated, this woman made my mother’s life very unhappy. She made constant silent phone calls to the house, and humiliated my mother at a social function by making it obvious to everyone that she and my father were involved in a sexual relationship. When my daughter was a baby, my mother spent three nights a week staying with us, providing childcare, to allow me to return to work. In my mother’s absence, the other woman would go to my mum’s house, and stay there with my father, leaving little clues to her presence. Her Facebook profile picture is even taken in my mother’s back garden. These things are the only details my mother could bring herself to share with me. There are many more things which she finds too humiliating to speak about.
When my parents divorced, I gave a lot of thought about whether to allow a relationship to continue between my father and my DD. Eventually, I decided, perhaps wrongly, that I would allow it. If I’d not had a child, I’d have simply gone NC with my father. He has surprised me by his consistent interest in seeing my daughter, and they continue to be close. However, he has made repeated attempts to involve his new wife, the woman who, along with him, made my mother’s life so unhappy for a time. I have made it extremely clear to him that under no circumstances is this woman to have any form of contact with my DD. I insist that all contact takes place at my house, but he has repeatedly invited DD to his house, although I’ve told him that won’t be happening. Of course, DD is thrilled at the invitation, and has begged me to allow her to go. He told me a few months ago that he thinks it’s time to introduce DD to his wife. I sent a very lengthy reply, explaining again that I was happy for him to continue contact but that I would never change my mind about his wife, and to please not raise the issue again. It all got a little heated, and he was left in no doubt of my feelings about things. I knew he would try again in the future to involve her, as he cannot accept someone else setting the rules, and wants to maintain contol of every situation. I should make it clear that I am equally angry with my father about my mother’s treatment - I certainly put no more blame on her than I do him. It is simply the fact that my father already has an established relationship with my DD that I allow him contact.
Tonight, he had a video call with DD. I was cooking dinner, and came in to discover DD engaged in a video call with his wife. DD has not been told who this woman is. I don’t know how to discuss the situation with her, as she’s too young to hear thr truth, but I don’t want to lie to her. Of course, if my father had stuck to the rules, DD would not need any sort of explanation until she was older and more equipped to deal with whatever I chose to tell her. I’m furious that my clear instructions have been ignored, although I’m not surprised. I’d appreciate some thoughts on the situation, and what others would do going forward. My main concern is DD’s happiness, but I’m not prepared to allow this woman any level of involvement. My father will never give up attempting to get his own way. I wish I could boot him out of my life, but DD would be devastated.
Thank you for reading such a lengthy rant!