To think that 12 yr old DS should join in family pizza-and-film evening?

[Watchagotcha]

We don’t do this often, but since it’s Friday and our local pizza place reopened this week, DH and I thought we’d have a pizza-and-film night. DS 9yrs is up for it. DS 12yrs is not. He’s fine with the pizza but doesn’t want to watch the film. It’s a family friendly comedy, sequel to one he’s already enjoyed (though he said he thought it was meh). He would rather go and watch anime on his iPad, or play Minecraft with a friend that he often games with in the evening.

So whaddya reckon Mumsnet?

YABU Let him have his pizza then watch / do something else?

YANBU make him stay and join in the family “fun” ?

If he likes anime would a Studio Ghibli film entice him? They have a good selection on Netflix Princess Mononoke may be a bit much for your 9yo but they are family friendly for the most part (may require you screening them first mind).

I wouldn't say you are being unreasonable but this is such a strange time I would let him do what he wants to do. He is the age where the friends become the central focus.

It's only fun if people think it's fun. I love a family film night and snuggling up with popcorn but you can't force it. Also, it's weird times. Let it slide for now...

He's 12, let him play on his iPad or whatever it is he wants to do.

for what it's worth I'd have loved a family night at his age but ultimately he's 12 and can decide for himself - I actually think it'd be worse forcing him to join in and watching him sulk or look disinterested!!

I really, really don't get why people force other family members to join in the 'fun' when they don't want to. I find it staggering. Why do you get to dictate how everyone else should enjoy themselves? I think it's rude, arrogant, selfish and controlling. A few of my friends try to do this with their kids and I genuinely think it's appalling.

I don't think my 12 years old wants to watch film with us unless it's his choice. I would let him do whatever he wants, or et him pick the film to watch.

I was coming on to say something very similar Optical.

Leave him alone. Why does he have to watch a film he doesn't want to see? Forced "fun" usually isn't.

Have you asked him what family activities he would enjoy? or even that you'd like to have pizza film/night and when would suit him as you understand that it's important for him to socialise with his friends.

He's at the age where he probably wants more autonomy about his own life.

@opticaldelusion I agree, it is not about forcing family members to join the parent’s idea of good fun, but about upping the game so they are interested to join. Sure, DS and I had a lot of pizza and movie nights when he was in primary school but we have different tastes and interests now that he is older so we need to find a middle ground.

I do believe as well that some mothers simply don’t ever back up from forcing their kids (and later their partners) to “enjoy” what they themselves think their adult children should enjoy

Why is it fun to make someone watch something they don’t want to?? I wouldn’t want to be forced to play minecraft all evening, and I wouldn’t make my kids watch a film they didn’t want to see. Either all agree on something you want to watch together, or do your own things.

It sounds awful a pizza 🍕 and a film is not my idea of enjoyment either. I’d rather be outside walking around down by the river.

YANBU. I know kids grow up and have their own lives and I'd encourage that but I dont see why they cant spend 2 hrs a week with their family eating pizza and watching a movie.

I had similar issues with my 12 yr old. I let her do whatever she wants all week so I really insist she joins in with movie night. She moans at first but always ends up enjoying the movie.

I think its important to have some quality family time especially as they get older. Your not asking for much.

YABU, forced fun is not fun. We wouldn't insist. We do masses of other stuff together as a family but film nights don't really work for us as we all like different types of film.

As long as he's not hiding away on his own all day every day and does spend time with the family then I'd have no issue with him doing his own thing and playing his game.

I loathe the expression ‘family time’ especially at the moment when many of us are cooped up all the time anyway. I would just love to say to my family “get lost, sort your own dinner and leave me alone in front of the tv with a pizza” .... I don’t say that .. but the one thing I am looking forward to after lockdown is DS being back at Uni and DH travelling away with work. Although my DH keeps saying ‘I am loving WFH and not having to stay away in hotels’ . The thought of a solitary hotel room, room service dinner and a bottle of wine is incredibly appealing at the moment.

I am not sure why it is being described as forced fun, the idea is surely that you seem to do something as a family and the fun comes naturally from doing the activity together. It is really important that families have times when they do something together, even if not everyone wants to or not everyone wants to do that particular thing. I think that applies at any age and it is an important skill for children to learn. They value comes from doing the thing as a community activity, of teaching your child the importance of participating and building relationships. That'snot to say that you should always mandate everything as a three line whip or that you shouldn't take into account the wishes of your children as to the timing of the activity or what it is, but I think ok families need to make sure that there are "bonding activities" where everyone in the family is involved, no exceptations.

My 11 and 13 yr old would eat their arm to have family time even if it did includes watching something shit, if he doesn’t want to let him be maybe you guys have spent too much time together during lockdown ?

I voted YANBU but we’ve all been stuck in separate rooms working every day all week, so we need to spend time together in the evenings.

I realised with joy the other day that my 14 year old likes me again. It has been a tough few years. He is not a little boy, I give him a lot of space, and he is a great person.

They come back. But it is a loss.

My 12yo makes pizza from scratch better than Dominos and we watch movies together.
Not that helps though. 😁

I don’t see why they cant spend 2 hrs a week with their family eating pizza and watching a movie.

I thought the OP said there are 4 of them in a 2 bedroom home. I’m not surprised he wouldn’t want to spend even more time with them!

Tricky. If he spends every other night gaming with his friends, would one evening watching a film with his folks really be so bad? On the other hand I remember being that age and as soon as tea was finished on a weekend night, I wanted to go to my room and watch my own thing on my massive, ancient telly that I was allowed on Friday and Saturday nights!

I think in the current lockdown when you're all together all the time I would let it go and let him do his own thing.

Ohh I'm in the minority I would have said for my ds to watch the film as well as he can always play games another time. 😬

"it is not about forcing family members to join the parent’s idea of good fun, but about upping the game so they are interested to join"

Totally agree with this. We have to adapt as they get older. I also find that letting them control the timing of what we do helps enormously. Mine are 16 and 13 now and at the moment we're all watching 80's horror movies together. They're happy to do that but want a say in planning when we watch and when we do other things.

Everything has to be a bit different at the moment anyway. If they want a bit of head space away from the family rather than watching a film that's fine.

I'm afraid when it's pizza and a film night you don't get pizza without the film. I would say our 12 year old does rule the roost when it comes to choosing the film.