To think that 12 yr old DS should join in family pizza-and-film evening?

[Watchagotcha]

We don’t do this often, but since it’s Friday and our local pizza place reopened this week, DH and I thought we’d have a pizza-and-film night. DS 9yrs is up for it. DS 12yrs is not. He’s fine with the pizza but doesn’t want to watch the film. It’s a family friendly comedy, sequel to one he’s already enjoyed (though he said he thought it was meh). He would rather go and watch anime on his iPad, or play Minecraft with a friend that he often games with in the evening.

So whaddya reckon Mumsnet?

YABU Let him have his pizza then watch / do something else?

YANBU make him stay and join in the family “fun” ?

Don’t force him to watch the film, let him do things he’ll enjoy, him keeping contact with friends even over games is better for mental health.

I hear a lot of parents say that they’ve got nothing in common with their kids & they won’t spend time together etc etc. I think it’s really sad. I think teens are programmed to object to parents’ suggestions automatically but often a bit of persuasion reels them in. We want our kids to feel like we want to involve them, we enjoy spending time with them etc. I think letting them separate themselves at such an early age isn’t good & the gap grows over time.

I work with teens and so many older teens’ perceptions are that their parents aren’t that bothered & their lives are completely separate. They’ll grow up & be independent obviously but teens need to feel presence.

Leave him be.
The last thing you want is an angry 12yr old!

@JemSynergy

Yep, that’s happening here too. It’s like he’s testing out being a teen - then retreats to being younger - then back to being a teen. Thé lockdown has made it very hard to ignore as we are oftener all the time. I’ve had to take a step back re. Supervising schoolwork as he was fighting me every inch of the way. So yep, my wee boy is growing up.

Sorry if someone else has already said this, but if you start the film while you eat your pizza perhaps he'll get absorbed in the plot and want to stay until the end. If he's sufficiently uninterested that he doesn't want to see how it finishes then there's not much point enforcing it, imo.

@Saltycinnamon

What would you do in this scenario?

Forced “fun” family activities aren’t fun unfortunately

You’ll only get annoyed if he sits there with a stroppy face or doesn’t seem bubbly/enthusiastic etc. You can make him stay but there’s no guarantee that he will enjoy it so it will just be a dampener on the evening for the rest of you

I think it depends how much time he has been online gaming with friends already. If this is his only opportunity, then I can see where he is coming from. But if he's already had plenty of time online with his mates then personally I would want him to spend some time with his family - although can you find a different film that you can all enjoy?

We are actually pretty strict about this stuff - three kids (12, 9 and 7) and we take turns every night to choose an activity. It could be a board game, something physical like a nerf fight, or sometimes just chilling and watching something on TV. Everyone has to take part with zero moaning (including parents). I think it is a really, really important to teach kids to participate with good grace for the sake of someone else.

I agree salty but forcing teens to participate if they need time to decompress sometimes can backfire, treating them with respect and giving them choices usually works better for me. All the better if the family idea is their idea and not mine.

I do understand and agree with your overall point though, sometimes we stop hugging teens, including them assuming wrongly they don't want us to because they have rejected it in the past. My experience as a teen was not great because my parents decided it was job done and I felt pushed out of the family, and my needs were not met at all on an emotional level, so I simply looked elsewhere - and not in the best of places.

The phrases “family time” and “family night” should be banned. Eugh.

I recall hope OP is the 12 year old in question. If not, I totally understand by he's against spending 'fun time' with his family. Having parents that have to consult mumsnet about such trivial matters must be exhausting.

What film are we talking here?

Agreed *ShirleyPhallus.
Its just so forced and cringey.

Yes family anything when you are teenager is just going to sound shit. I used playdate for years until my dd (13) said for gods sake Mum you make me sound like a five year old, I genuinely do not remember even thinking about the word!

Ditch the family fun, and ask him what film he want to watch later.

Family fun/vacation/film nigh will always remind me of national lampoons family christmas for some reason

When we have film nights, we say, watch with us while you are having pizza and if by the end of that you're not enjoying it, go off and do your thing. DS2 usually goes after 20 mins. DS1 usually stays. As PP have said, it's not a punishment. Forced fun turns teens off family life, so avoid it.

I’d make him do half an hour & then he can go if he’s bored. When my dd is like this, she ends up snuggling and loving the movie every single time. You’d think I was asking her to watch Das Boot the way she carries on sometimes.... 🙄

A film everyone enjoys is a rare and precious thing. We have managed only 3 since lockdown began. Pizza together yes he has to be there film if he doesn’t want to see it that’s it you can’t force him

My kids a little older and girls. We all enjoyed instant family ferris buellers day off and knives out.

Ordinarily I think the odd evening of enforced family time is fine. As others have commented, being in a family is sometimes about doing something because it makes others happy.

However, in lockdown I do not need any more family time whatsoever, and would like my same aged DC to sit in front of screens very far away from me while I drink riesling and get on with my book. So on balance I'm with your son. Sorry.

Do most teens not like to watch tv /movies with their parents?

We stick the film on whilst eating the pizza and anyone not into it after that can leave.

I think this is the best idea.

it's a shame he doesn't want to take part in a family evening, but he's growing up and wants to be independent and assert himself as an individual.

I'd let him have this bit of space- he'll make it miserable for everyone if you force him.

I'll remember that next time my kids want to drag me to the cinema to see the latest shite kids film

You go with them to supervise, you don't need a 12 year old to supervise you to watch tv, do you?

Pizza.and be off to do his own thing for sure.!

I hear a lot of parents say that they’ve got nothing in common with their kids & they won’t spend time together etc etc.

In the context of the current lockdown, pretty sure most people spend pretty much all their time together! Kids are allowed a break from their family to catch up with their friends, even if it's only playing games with them.