To think that 12 yr old DS should join in family pizza-and-film evening?

[Watchagotcha]

We don’t do this often, but since it’s Friday and our local pizza place reopened this week, DH and I thought we’d have a pizza-and-film night. DS 9yrs is up for it. DS 12yrs is not. He’s fine with the pizza but doesn’t want to watch the film. It’s a family friendly comedy, sequel to one he’s already enjoyed (though he said he thought it was meh). He would rather go and watch anime on his iPad, or play Minecraft with a friend that he often games with in the evening.

So whaddya reckon Mumsnet?

YABU Let him have his pizza then watch / do something else?

YANBU make him stay and join in the family “fun” ?

Surely you could try to find a family activity all of you would be happy to join in with over pizza?

I'd want him to join in with family things, but not if he's going to see it as an enforced thing. How about upu let this one go and then let him choose a film next time and explain why family time is important... which I'm sure you've already done, but again!

Hmm, not sure tbh. Similar thing here. Didn't want to watch something but as it was Mother's Day it was my choice - I picked something I was pretty sure would go down well rather than what I wanted. We all enjoyed it and had a nice shared experience and will watch 2nd one at some point.

However on the flip side I agreed to watch Godzilla (the latest remake) not my usual thing but I was outvoted. I made it about 2/3 way through and had to leave the room with a headache - it was excruitiating.

At other times DC has said would rather not and we've let it go.

In conclusion then I guess I'm saying sometimes it's ok to say hey we're all doing this and sometimes not.

Not very helpful!

It’s difficult isn’t it, but I too hate watching films that someone else has chosen. Would he prefer a board game?

My DS went through a few years like this but now as a 19 year old, home from Uni, he loves board games and cards, we play every night (& there are many nights when I would much rather watch tv of my choice ).

'sorry kids we're not going to go see the new frozen movie because I don't find it fun and I'd rather be out drinking cocktails with my friends'.

My 12 year old son is slowly turning into Kevin from Kevin and Perry. I watched the sketch the other day on youtube where Kevin turns into a teen. It made me laugh so much. My son would be up for the pizza and he would probably join us to watch the movie but after about 10 minutes he'd more than likely quietly disappear to his room to chat to friends!

It’s one night. It’s not torture. He’s twelve. He presumably has other time with his friends gaming. I’d take charge here, you’re the parent. I’d bet he enjoys it in the end, if you sweep him along into the fun of it (or get him to suggest a preferred film for next time) but if he doesn’t want to watch I’d get him to do something other than gaming.

Agree though about throwing about some other options like board games, quiz etc...

Ask him to watch for 15 minutes, while you eat the pizza, on condition he can leave after this time if he wants. He may decide to watch he may not. Nice compromise

I'm with karala surely this is about understanding that sometimes you do stuff for other people, just like you probably sat through hundreds of hours of shit children's television and sang shit nursery rhyme songs because it wasn't all about you.

This was actually on After Life season 1, Dh and I had already seen it but we re-watched it with Ds17 and Ds14 so we can all watch season 2 together. You do things to make other people happy, you are not asking him to cut off his leg. It is a 2 hour film.

Children learn to compromise for friends, play games they may not love because all their mates play as a team. Why not compromise for family? I am sure that in all the hours of today and yesterday and the day before he has been gaming with his friends so this isn't his one and only opportunity to do this.

I hate forced family time/ fun

Choose your battles, we are in lockdown. He is not going to enjoy it being forced into it.

He is heading into teen age which is the time for him to test his wings and start becoming more independent but also the time for you to start letting go little by little and let him made his own decisions (within reason, obvs)

YANBU at all.

DS14 spends more than enough time playing games with his friends so at least once a week we enforce a board game or film night. As we've being doing this for a couple of years, he is used to it and doesn't complain.
There is usually still time before bed to go back to gaming and talking with friends.

I don't care if he's a teen, I'm not going to encourage him to spend all his time in his room away from us as when we do spend family time we all enjoy it even if it feels like a chore at first.

Put the film on while you are eating and see what happens. He might decide to stay and watch it.

Indeed. The pizza and film will start at the same time. If he stays, fine. If not, equally fine.

We also have a 9yr old, so that restricts what we can choose. They both refuse to watch any superhero / Marvel / x men type films, and tbh DS12 has never liked films - even when much younger he refused to watch any of the Disney younger. We’ve never even watched Frozen!He’s actually spent most of the day doing schoolwork :-/ so he has earned a break. And family time is 24/7 atm: 4 of us in a 2-bed apartment.

Enforced family time is bad enough any time

At the moment, it’s positively inhuman.

Totally depends on how much minecraft/ipad he's been allowed during the rest of the day/week. If he's already had it all day every day tell him he can have the pizza and doesn't need to watch the film but no minecraft or ipad during that time - he can read or listen to music or whatever instead.

I'd be saying to him to join in... It's not exactly torture is it?! I'm sure he had plenty of time to game with his mates at the moment. Actually 'mum/dad says I have to' might be just the excuse he needs to not game with his mates. It may be only watching a film but you can share laughs and a bit of conversation too. I can stand older children opting out of things they'd actually enjoy just because they don't fancy it... Like some other posters have said, fun works both ways actually, and you may need these shared experiences at some point in the future. I've no idea how you start having necessary deep and meaningful conversations when needed with older teens when they've been allowed to so easily opt out of things. You could say 'actually we've been working all day, and we love spending time with you too'. It's just a film.

I’d say... pizza it is but... will you agree to watching first 15 mins of film. Just 15 minutes. If you want to stay and then go on computer, brill. If you want to go... fair enough no complaints or nagging I promise

Board games! We had a game of Risk a couple of days ago... we are just about talking to one as mother again.., it reminded me of tortuous Monopoly sessions when I was a child which inevitably ended in tears.

Cross posted with the update - I'd totally let him enjoy his downtime however he likes.

@myangelalex

Just read your post... we parent the same!

I'm with your DS right from the point of 'Family Friendly Comedy Sequel'.

Indeed. The pizza and film will start at the same time. If he stays, fine. If not, equally fine.

I really wouldn't start them at the same time.

He's agreed to pizza so make that your family time. Chat, laugh, discuss other films, talk about their computer games/what their friends have been up to. Then put the film on and let him decide if he stays or goes.

If you put the film on you've knackered any family chatting time.

Ugh I hate 'family time' to the extent that it feels like a punishment to kids. Let him go do his own thing I reckon. You guys want to watch the film, watch it without him.

I don't care if he's a teen, I'm not going to encourage him to spend all his time in his room away from us as when we do spend family time we all enjoy it even if it feels like a chore at first.

I don’t force my teen to play with us instead of his friends but if he doesn’t come down and keep me company/conversation while I cook, I just cook for myself. 😁

So we catch up over meals and when we are working in things together but I try not to encroach on his social time I don’t encroach his social time. I do believe however that you can take the middle ground by serving the pizza at the same time you start the movie and just ask him to stay for as long as he takes him to eat, he may stay for the movie if it gets his attention.