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Original poster

Am I a terrible mother for hoping nurseries go back soon?!

230 replies

MrsMuffins · 01/05/2020 12:22

Is anyone else reaching the end of their tether with lockdown childcare and hoping childcare settings reopen soon?! DS is at nursery, and even though I’m nervous about the virus, I feel that the overall risk is small and he is missing out on so much - socially especially. He is bored of me, I’m doing my best but he is so hard to keep amused, I feel like I’m just biding time between meltdowns.

I would find it hard having him at home full-time anyway, even if everything was normal, let alone coping in lockdown!

OP posts:
Cremebrule · 01/05/2020 23:01

It makes me so cross that it is the stupid petition about extending mat leave that will be debated in parliament and not the precarious nature of the nursery sector. The latter will potentially affect my children far more than one of them having missed out on a few months of bloody baby groups.

sparkli · 01/05/2020 23:09

I actually find this thread sad. Generations before us managed to look after their pre schoolers full time, without all the tech that makes our lives so much easier. Why bother having children if you don't want to look after them? Don't get me wrong, i understand the need for a night out, or a wee bit of time to yourself, but I truly don't get why you'd want to palm your children off on others for most of the day.

Wowthisisreal · 01/05/2020 23:13

@sparkli it's not that simple. Previous generations didn't have to work FT too.

TempsPerdu · 01/05/2020 23:21

@sparkli
Did previous generations look after preschoolers while also working full-time from home? While all the places where small children learn and develop - libraries, playgrounds, swimming pools, zoos, cafes - were simultaneously out of action? And with no access to support from grandparents/wider family/social networks? It’s not just about palming children off on nurseries.

sparkli · 01/05/2020 23:23

@Wowthisisreal but that's not the case with OP just now. Lockdown is definitely showing working parents how hard full time parenting actually is. I know firsthand, I was a SAHP for 20 years and now work in a school nursery. It will be interesting to see how children have benefitted (or not) from spending extended time with their parents.

AmbridgeGirl · 01/05/2020 23:23

@sparkli because the vast majority of people 'complaining' on this thread are working parents who are now unexpectedly having to look after small children, whilst continuing to work at the same time. They are also caring for children who are sad to be missing nursery, their friends and family and many other aspects of their normal lives.

All this without having access to their support networks or outside time, during a period of international crisis.

Everyone is trying their best, please try to be kinder.

TazSyd · 01/05/2020 23:29

@sparkli

Society is now structured to have both parents working. Not many people can afford a family home without 2 salaries coming in.

Wowthisisreal · 01/05/2020 23:29

@sparkli FFS I know how hard FT parenting is having just done a year of it. However imo it is easier than FT working and parenting.

sparkli · 01/05/2020 23:30

@AmbridgeGirl I'm not trying to be unkind. I do understand. I just think it's sad that our society has become like this. Parents finding it hard to spend a few weeks with their children because they are so used to working FT and paying for childcare. In my mind that doesn't sit right, but I do understand that it's not always choice.

GoldenOmber · 01/05/2020 23:36

Why bother having children if you don't want to look after them?

Can’t speak for others, but I wanted to get into Legoland.

Wowthisisreal · 01/05/2020 23:42

@sparkli you're being deliberately antagonistic. I'd love to spend weeks with DS. I loved my maternity leave. What I don't love is having to do both. When I'm working I feel guilty for not spending time with my son. The worst part is he is now in the same house and it's a conscious choice to not engage with him. When I'm spending time with DS I'm conscious I'm probably falling behind with work at a time when job stability is crucial. My husband feels the same. Good for you that you could be a SAHM 20 years ago. I'd love to be able to do the same but society and the cost of living, housing market etc means I can't.

BlackberryandNettle · 01/05/2020 23:43

It's not even just the parents trying to work that makes it hard. Cooped up all day at home here with two nursery aged kids plus also a school aged child with a load of homeschooling to do.

Tanith · 01/05/2020 23:45

"Generations before us managed to look after their pre schoolers full time, without all the tech that makes our lives so much easier."

Actually, no, you didn't. Family members and friends helped out. I remember my mother sending us to my grandparents while she worked in the 70s. My best friend's mother was a childminder. The National Childminding Association began in 1977; I have a childminding colleague, now retired, who started in 1966.

Nurseries and nursery schools have been used for decades. Schools in the early part of the last century took children as young as three. My FIL, in his 80s now, can remember starting school at that age.

sparkli · 01/05/2020 23:50

I'm really sorry to those I've offended. I don't think I've explained this right. It's not the parents I'm getting at, it's the fact that we, as a society have got to the stage where actually being able to spend an extended amount of time at home with our young DC is an abnormal thing, and something some parents are struggling with. I'm all for working mums/dads, but i hate the way it's become a financial impossibility for this to happen. That's what I find sad.

Don't get me wrong, I was a SAHM, but we live in an ex council house, drive an ancient banger and have sacrificed holidays and many other treats for that.

Fedhimtotigers · 01/05/2020 23:52

@sparkli you mean those generations that would throw the babies out to play with their siblings and an 8 year old would be expected to look after anyone younger?
M

MyBlueMoonbeam · 01/05/2020 23:52

Reading threads like this I really wonder WTF people have children at all - nurseries are a recent phenomenon & despite what people choose to believe are not 100% necessary for child development - your kids are only young for such a short time why chat with bloody appreciate them whilst you have them 🙄

GoldenOmber · 01/05/2020 23:54

SAHPs throughout human history got to leave the house, mix with other families and children, visit things, take the kids to the park, go to the shops with them. None of this is happening now.

Tanith · 01/05/2020 23:55

A popular hit during the 60's was the Rolling Stones' Mother's Little Helper that described the anti-depressants mothers used to cope with their day.

It's important that women are able to earn their own money, too. It makes them less dependent on their partners and husbands.

123Dancewithme · 02/05/2020 00:00

YANBU. Both DS and I are miserable.

doobiedop · 02/05/2020 00:24

Generations before us managed to look after their pre schoolers full time, without all the tech that makes our lives so much easier.

Really? My grandma certainly didn't spend all day doing arts & crafts with my mum, my mum was left to play with her siblings.

sotiredwe · 02/05/2020 00:26

but I truly don't get why you'd want to palm your children off on others for most of the day.

My youngest has additional needs & this is the second night of screaming & tantrums past midnight. I'm exhausted trying to homeschool the eldest & work.

midgwit · 02/05/2020 01:41

@sparkli "I know firsthand, I was a SAHP for 20 years and now work in a school nursery"

Being a SAHP for 20 years previously doesn't give you first hand knowledge of what working full-time whilst looking after your children in lockdown during a pandemic is like at all. They're not comparable. You could take your children out. You no doubt had help from family & friends, even if it was just meeting up with them so the children could play together. Do not get sanctimonious with others because they are finding this unprecedented situation hard just because you didn't work when your children were young.

Also, do you have a lot of children or are there large age gaps? You say you were a SAHP for 20 years, yet your children would have been in school from the age of 4 or 5 so unless you always had at least one preschooler for the full 20 years, there must have been many hours in the day where your own children were away from you too.

Magicbabywaves · 02/05/2020 06:23

Read the room Sparki.

Nurseries are open in Denmark and some other European countries, so will be interesting to see how that goes.

Cremebrule · 02/05/2020 07:28

sparkli, MyBlueMoonbeam are you really unable to see why looking after small children in a pandemic might be a bit harder than under normal circumstances? Lockdown has crossed my maternity leave and I’ll tell you now, juggling work has been much harder but it was still really hard without work due to the circumstances.

My mum was a sahm in the 80s. I went to playgroup which would have been the equivalent of pre-school now. She had help from my older sister, grandma etc. It has always been important for pre-schoolers to have interactions out of the family home and with other children. All of the sahps I know go to countless groups and have their 3 year old in pre-school so this is nothing really to do with working parents. It’s to do with small children who need social interaction, time to play with friends and escape the monotonous drudge of being stuck at home.

Bobbybobbins · 02/05/2020 07:41

We are both keyworkers and my DS4 has an EHCP so he has been attending nursery, though for fewer hours than normal. We are very lucky it has stayed open. It is vital for him to avoid any more regression. If we were in a high risk group then that decision would have been much tougher