A.i.b.u to think , fuck it to school work now?

[DollyPartons]

Dd , yr 9 can't be arsed at the best of times , but will just about complete most homework during term time as hates any confrontation from teachers. Started lockdown set homework but as times gone on like pulling teeth to get her to do any. Doesn't take to bribery or jossling. I've tried , a lot. She's just below average, I'm terrified this will plunder more but with no communication from school she's just not bothered . The school have not given guidelines to parents to get them to do the work , no expectations, schools out for summer early?

Schools and teachers provide the education in terms of teaching things. This should have always have been reinforced by parenting and educating at home. And more so now than ever.

Righto then. How to I reconcile that with my full time job which, you know...provides a roof over our heads and food on the table?

You tell DC that you both have a job; yours is in , theirs is in school. Your job is providing a roof and food NOW, and they will be expected to provide their own roof and food in the near future. Going to work takes self discipline and effort so they just have to knuckle down to real life, like you do.
down

I have a year 9 daughter as well, and it is hard - the first couple of weeks locked down she didn't want to do much at all. A straight honest discussion about losing her allowance, her phone and her internet soon resolved a few issues.

You have to put a different perspective on this if you can. I - like you have a full time job, I am currently working from home and trying to manage the school work for a year 9, a year 1 and a nursery child. They have to do at least 2 hours a day, they can split it up if they like but I check they've done it and I help the two little ones upload theirs. Then they can have their tablets/phone.

I also throw them in the garden after lunch for half an hours exercise (weather permitting).

Its not anything like what they'd get in school but as parents we have to own this time. Everyone is doing what they need to in order to get by but you don't want to raise children who just give up because things are a bit tough. If you're struggling with motivating her for a few weeks, imagine how hard her teachers must work with her on a daily basis in school.

Its true - many kids will be in the same boat when school resumes, but I would like to think all kids are doing something productive at home, whether its the designated school work, reading, being creative, doing DIY projects - anything that is still keeping their brains busy.

I do worry sometimes that some kids will go back having done all the work that has been sent home, and then will have to re-cover it all in class because other kids haven't. There are lots of reasons why this could happen, most of them are very valid but I don't personally feel that giving up because its hard work is one of them.

Shameful attitude to have to your own kid's education and future prospects

@Ihatemyseleffordoingthis

And I simply do not agree that missing 5/6/8 weeks schooling or failing to conform during quite extraordinary circumstances will damage his life chances forever.

Assuming they broke up around March 20 as they did for us, and stay closed to the end of the current school year (and go back as normal in September) - thats almost 4 months of missed school.

My DD can just about get away with it as she's in her GCSE year so a lot of that would have been revision towards exams they're now not doing. But other years have stuff to learn - its a pretty full curriculum. anyone in the first year of a GCSE or A-level are particularly badly hit with losing so much teaching time.

“Shameful” ?! Unclench.

Onthestairs
I don’t think giving stuff to children for working hard is poor parenting. It’s remuneration rather like going out to work. The more work put in and the harder a student tries, the better the reward. My yr7 dd knows she gets nice things because she works hard. Sometimes otoh she gets her devices confiscated for behaviour I don’t like. Although funnily enough, she’s actually been a lot better behaved since home schooling started.

Some parents would rather be best friends with their child than actually parent them. It's pretty sad because it's not what the child needs.

Of course you can say fuck it to school work, as long as you are happy that the only job your child will get is flipping burgers, if they are lucky.

Rainmustfall is that so? How old is your child if any? Yes I'm her friend and sometimes I'm not her friend . Since when we're parents not supposed to be friends? Was your post just stupid or did you mean to provoke ? . Mummyoflittledragon, snap, so does mine!

I'm also wondering for the commentators who believe I'm doing something do wrong, are you planning on keeping yours off school for good, as clearly doing such a good job 🙄

There are lots of unkind posts here. Reality is loads of kids leave with poor grades and many of them go on to do brilliantly at college, in work and in apprenticeships.

OP a teacher upthread gave good advice about how to approach school subjects and school. School should give you more support.

Work on her interests, get her doing something and try and cover some core stuff together. Lots of kids with beautiful folders of work have learned very little doing them. Parenting is making the best choice for your child. There are those who would sit in an empty room doing nothing rather than try school work alone - this says a lot about the huge negative feelings it creates for them - other are very oppositional or unable to sort the admin of it all. Help where you can buy put your relationship first.

@DollyPartons - that’s the thing, most people don’t home school, and they’re not expected to replicate either a school environment OR a home school environment. That would be unrealistic. You can only work with what you’ve got. I was your daughter. I couldn’t be bothered, performed below my own capabilities, didn’t even turn up for one of my exams. My fingers are crossed that my daughter will be able to apply herself in a way I didn’t but if she doesn’t - it’s not the end of the world.

Btw I’m now almost 40, a qualified paralegal and work in a job I love. And I also love studying.

You can only do your best with your daughter and fighting over it isn’t going to achieve a thing.

I like that QualityFeet. Im hoping to have an emotionally well ajusted young woman

I’m glad your dd gets nice things Dolly.

As for what Rainmust said, what I think she is saying is that a lot of parents of mid teens find it hard to parent and basically stop by the time they are about 14. You only have to look at the sleb insta parents, who become bezzies with their teens and by 18 club together etc. I don’t have a 14 yo yet, but all I can say from remembering what it was like at this age is that I needed parenting more than ever and I didn’t get it.

I also think you’ve had some good advice on how to tackle your dds situation. Do you tend to ever do things together? Perhaps this evening or over the weekend you could sit down, watch a film together and have a chat about how tough you’re both finding this situation. Your dd may not want to talk, but she will need to listen. If possible, perhaps she can find a solution with you together.

In the meantime, I’d put an sos out to the teachers of her main subjects and options. Or perhaps ask your dd which teacher your dd likes best and would go to if she has a problem at school and ask them to speak to her.

With my dd, I’ve actually just got her a tutor once a week for maths just really to break up the monotony. Dd hates reading and as a result her spag is suffering, I expect her comprehension will be next. So the tutor has set herself the challenge to get dd interested in reading again. She’s going to do maybe 20 mins of English with dd next week to start the ball rolling and 40 mins maths. Dd was incredibly pissed off at having the tutor and was very vocal that she wasn’t going to engage but is. She’s only yr7 so perhaps it’s a bit easier to tell her it’s a fait accompli.

As your dd is behind and if you can afford a tutor, perhaps this would be a good time to find one. I found this one through word of mouth btw.

Reality is loads of kids leave with poor grades and many of them go on to do brilliantly at college, in work and in apprenticeships.

But many MORE don't. How do you know yours will be one of the lucky ones?

How do you make a child work when you are out of the home all day working a full time job?
My dd is struggling massively but I go out of the door at 6.30 am and not back till 7.30 most days and so has to fend for herself

I think everyone in mumsnet assumes we are all office workers working from home
We are not.

My dd is waiting for an appointment from an eye specialist at the hospital and is struggling with screens. Her school have been unresponsive and unhelpful to say the least.

So sod it

DollyPartons

I like that QualityFeet. Im hoping to have an emotionally well ajusted young woman

Or more likely a woman with no resilience who will end up in a dead end job on a minimum wage. But hey, you cling on to the hope it will be ok if she doesn’t put the work in.

What do you mean by 'no communication from school'? They've obviously set the work. Do you mean that they haven't done anything else and work does not have to be submitted and nothing will be marked? No mark schemes to check her work? No deadlines or quizzes to complete?

Maybe not, because this how my son's school are doing it. There is an array of topics on the school website and that's it. Their few emails to us have included recommendations to access other sites, like Seneca and MathsWatch. Other parents (different schools) have spoken of being set work online that the pupil is supposed to complete and send back to the school - we have had NOTHING like that. He has had zero personal emails from school. It doesn't appear like they have any way of keeping track of what he's doing and certainly no way of marking it or providing feedback. It doesn't surprise me though as other secondaries seem to use online programmes for homework like Hegarty maths and Doddle for English. We don't have anything like that.

As an example of what we've been given, the school website entry for Year 7 maths is "watch these MathsWatch videos". Well, we've done that; we've seen all the ones they've listed. Now what? There's literally nothing else there for Maths!

It does seem like the "programmes already online" setup works best for sudden school closures, clearly our school was ill-prepared for this pandemic and online learning hasn't been able to be utilised as well as other schools already using these features. Maybe OP's school is the same and has been caught on the hop.

I don’t think giving stuff to children for working hard is poor parenting. It’s remuneration.
Learning should be its own reward. If you don't instil in your children a positive attitude towards learning and the importance of this for their future prospects, instead trying to bribe them and then saying "fuck it" as soon as things get difficult, then no wonder the kid won't learn. Parents have to be the bad guy sometimes and make kids do things they don't necessarily want to do. It's part of the job.

Some parents would rather be best friends with their child than actually parent them. It's pretty sad because it's not what the child needs. Of course you can say fuck it to school work, as long as you are happy that the only job your child will get is flipping burgers

Exactly this

ghost that's quite a specific situation, and not just a case of can't be bothered.

If she's struggling with screens I would contact school again and ask if they can post out (or I'd you can collect, at a safe distance) any physical books and worksheets. If they won't, I would look at buying her some revisions guides / workbooks appropriate to her key stage so she can access some work without using a screen.

In terms of motivating her to work when home alone, I would work with her to set up a timetable, make sure it's small chunks, probably no more than 15 mins working considering her eyes, and get her to send you a picture of her working each time she starts & completes a task. Rewards for work done. Sanctions for no work done. Build in down time so she doesn't feel too hard done by. Call her at lunch breaks etc to check on how she is doing and have a chat. Get other adults to call as well - dad, grandparents etc. It doesn't matter so much if she isn't doing the exact work set by school so long as she is building skills and subject knowledge. Concentrate on maths, English and whatever her two other favourite subjects are. Don't expect 100% success but let her know you won't settle for 0%. Be willing to take things away if she isn't trying.

You haven't said what the repercussions are for not doing her work- are there any?

pocketem I didn't write the first line you've highlighted. She has positive attitude instilled. This is evident in her positive housepoints at school and in her sport. I never said she or I had a negative attitude during normal school.

By the way, my kids have not liked me at some points, believe me. I like to think that they can talk to me, that I am their friend within their mother.. Did you ask have I expressed my feeling on home schooling? I haven't (which probs my bursts your bubble. The point you're not getting is that I think school should be interacting more.

Thanks cheri I will do that

I've emailed the school again so hopefully they will reply.
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YABU, but my dd7 disagrees..

Haven't RTFT yet but came on to post similar/ask for advice, DS is a year younger than yours and I've had enough trying to engage him, he doesn't give a shit and I making myself ill worrying about it all so I have voted YANBU and you have my utmost sympathy OP. Take care.

I could have written this myself, we are also only focusing on maths and english. I have to work from home and ds will happily sit and do nothing unless I supervise. I can't currently work effectively and supervise him.