A.i.b.u to think , fuck it to school work now?

[DollyPartons]

Dd , yr 9 can't be arsed at the best of times , but will just about complete most homework during term time as hates any confrontation from teachers. Started lockdown set homework but as times gone on like pulling teeth to get her to do any. Doesn't take to bribery or jossling. I've tried , a lot. She's just below average, I'm terrified this will plunder more but with no communication from school she's just not bothered . The school have not given guidelines to parents to get them to do the work , no expectations, schools out for summer early?

Righto then. How to I reconcile that with my full time job which, you know...provides a roof over our heads and food on the table?

You set up his work space and everything needed there and make it quite clear that there is no technology until his school work is done. We both work in the same room, he has the table with his school books, dictionary, laptop etc and works from 9am-1.30pm and then has the afternoon to do as he chooses.

I think having structure, learning, setting goals etc is better for a child’s mental health any day of the week over the can’t be arsed attitude.

Op, youre focusing on the wrong thing here. Obviously you HAVE had communication from school. Your year 9 child actually does know what work she needs to complete each week. School is communicating home what work needs to be done.

The issue you need help with here is parenting. How can you as a parent get your child to meet basic expectations?

Why dont you ask, as this is a parenting website, for ideas on how you can get your child to complete the work? You’ll get loads of ideas on how to encourage her and what consequences to put in place if she refuses to follow your basic instructions. Some people might even suggest things beyond changing the wifi password!

You issue here, op, is your child wont do what she is told to do.

When she refuses to work now, what are you responses? What do you start with, what do you move to, what is the final thing that will ensure she does what you have asked her to do?

The problem is that at school - and i'm guilty of this because the results come down to me to explain- i chivvy the students along, constantly remind them, push them, press them for work etc.

Years back, if a kid was capable but lazy i'd tell the parents and they'd sort it with my support. Now I sort it because it's my fault otherwise. Self-motivation is something I massively encourage and reward along with resilience because it is that, above ability, that will ensure success. This can also be encouraged at home.

My own ds isn't intrinsically self-motivated. But he has to step up and do it. Army cadets have been massively helpful for him.

Other than providing the work and feedback, and calling those who haven't done any, I can't push those kids from my laptop. I can't give them the enormous push I usually do. It might be a wake up call for them - you never know.

It’s not a great example to her is it? If things are tough you just quit?
At 14 she should understand what a work ethic is

Tricky. Heart goes out to you, it's bloody tough trying to juggle home school and everything else. I think trying the same tactics that you have, over and over, will just entrench both of you on your opposite sides. I'd be wary of her developing even more resistance to learning, or seeing it as a punishment.

I wonder whether rather than saying 'fuck it' completely, you could say ok, have a total break for a week and decompress but then we need to work out a way forward. If she will respond to it, bring her into that conversation - firstly let her say exactly why she is finding it hard, give her empathy and say you want to help her find a way through it. Rarher than just 'it's not optional' which puts you at loggerheads, you can empathise with how hard/boring it is and tell her she doesn't need to excel at everything but you want the best future for her and part of that is helping her find what she does love doing, and making sure she had the best future possible (which means doing well enough academically to leave her options open). Maybe give her control within boundaries, I.e. this is what you have to do, you can choose how you timetable it (but have her draw up the timetable with you). Include space for relaxing and things she likes doing. If there are subjects she is more into than others, she could supplement schoolwork with e.g. documentaries, projects, theatre live streams...

I dunno. Really hard, and like pp said you can't actually force her but maybe some of the above might work?

You will find enormous swathes of year nine below average kids do nothing. Plenty who are working are actually doing very little that will improve their exam performance.

Actually I would focus in your relationship first. Pointless to make everything awful and it won’t lead to work being done. Then try and get key areas for core subjects covered.

My Dd is the same as yours OP so you have my sympathy. You cannot force her to do it and that doesn’t make you a bad parent nor do you need to ‘step up and parent’. You are already trying to do that. Obviously you can encourage her but ultimately it’s about personal responsibility. She has to learn how to manage her own workload etc... if she doesn’t choose to do it then that’s her choice.

@MintyMabel, yes I agree with what you said. You can’t make her.

I teach many people at university who checked out at school. Then they found a reason to learn or a love of a particular subject.

I’d be tempted to get her to focus on maths, English and science plus any other subject she is taking for gcse next year. If she hasn’t opted for geography then I’d personally let that one go for example.

Btw I speak as a secondary school teacher who’s putting in crazy long hours of planning and marking and there is nothing worse than seeing some work come back to be me where the student couldn’t be arsed and has literally down the minimal amount. I then have to feed back and spend time doing so.

We’ve had some children say they are focusing only on core subjects and if that’s what’s needed at this time then so be it.

OP, you need to have some battles with your DD but make sure they are the ones that must be won.

that age should be able to check email/show my homework etc and be self-sufficient in terms of learning and going through material. Reaching out to teachers and/or you if they need help.

You can't force them, but you can perhaps agree set times they should be 'working' - eg 2-4 hours per day (start low and build up if its almost nothing right now) and agree no distractions - provide access to music and eg google but limit social media/messaging to eg 5-10 minutes per hour ?

Could you not sit with her for an hour go through what she needs to do and break it down into smaller chunks and make a deadline plan? Email the specific teacher if there's anything she's confused or worried about. Before Easter my DD was a bit wary to email her tutors but she's ended up in some really good dialogue with a couple of them and it's really motivated her. Our school are recommending 3 hours a day- we sit down at 9.30 all do our separate work so I'm next to her rather than her being in her room on her own and by lunch its over and I just let her lose.

Is there a subject that she does enjoy? What does she want to do after-school? Yes she should be self motivated, but that's not the reality for a lot of teens, especially now they can't see their friends, all semblance of normality has gone and they aren't in a school setting. Trying to force her will likely not work, and with 'punishments' such as no TV until you've done x she will just resent you. Are there any teachers in particular she mentions? Could you contact them and see if they have any suggestions? No they can't do it for everyone and it won't be a golden answer that neccessarily works, but it's worth a go.

My DD is pretty good at getting on with her work but really struggles if I leave her to do it in her room. We're all different but she prefers if me and her Dsis are sat round the dining table together- think she feels less isolated.

Have a year 8 and year 9 - school is setting work for most subjects but not marking, well 2 things have been marked so far both for DD. There aren't any school consequences for not doing work, what could they give and don't think it would be appropriate anyway as a child may not be working as no printer / laptop / no-one helping rather than just idleness.

It is expected parents at least encourage children to work. I'm doing 1 to 1 with my year 8 who's ASD as most of what is sent through he can't engage with. So need alternatives and to help with everything but there are loads of alternatives online. Oak National Academy has excellent lessons, seneca has lots of free resources, BBC bitesize, or books linked to GCSEs she will take / KS3. You could message her tutor or subject teachers and ask for help. Also do you have parent access to what she is sent - I managed to get that so I can see what is being sent through.

I would be encouraging her to work, it only needs to be for a couple of hours a day and you could stick to subjects she'll take to GCSE. But anything is better than nothing. I know our school said 27/30 in a top set had done a lesson so I think top sets are working, I suspect the bottom half aren't but this will just widen the gap. It will probably be accounted for to a certain extent by adjusted boundaries but there's no guarantee and she could progress if she works now. If she's borderline on passing exams it could be difference between passing and failing. I know it's hard and it's easiest if they want to learn.

I think having structure, learning, setting goals etc is better for a child’s mental health any day of the week over the can’t be arsed attitude.

Well now I feel an utter failure as a parent.
I have been framing it as "picking my battles" rather than can't be arsed.

I am a single parent. I set him up, make the work available, check he knows what to do and then I have to let him get on.

I cannot expect him to work in the silence I need for my own job.

I need him to be occupied, whether that's doing art, reading, listening to audible books or the set school work.

I am a single parent. As well as the usual stuff, grocery shopping now takes ages, I am caring for an elderly shielding relative. I just haven't got the mental strength to MAKE him do school work. My son is yr6 not yr9.

I would tell her, 'look, everyone needs to be productive. I know it's a bit crap at the moment but you need to do something with your time. Today, your first assignment is coming up with a list of interests to explore, projects to try, and weaknesses to work on.'

Let her do the leg work, it's her education and she needs to own it. Don't wait forever for the school, she doesn't need their permission to learn things!

My commiserations, teens can be so hard!

"below average" doesn't mean she shouldn't be trying to be the best she can be. It actually sounds like you've written her off. I'd be using this time to find ways that she can learn, and what does interest her, maybe different to the things they do in school. She might not be academic but any job is going to have an element of learning or training involved and it's hard to get anywhere without basic maths and english at GCSE.

How about doing a whatsapp group ...I was thinking if she can sit at the table and make a group with her closest friends they could all arrange a time to log on and do the work together....or something like that.A facetime thing where they can laugh and interact whilst buncing ideas and doing the work together? Kids need interaction with their friends its vital for their mental health and its motivating too...would that be worth a try OP? Just thinking of ideas to help. I think quite few other mums might be up for organising that too.Virtual classrooms ..seperated but together...

ADreamOfGood yes but a 14 year old that has taken the choice (if they had it) to take a full time job that's they WANT to be doing and they're enthusiastic and hardworking isn't someone who 'can't be arsed'.

Your daughter is at a tricky age to take instructions but somehow she needs to get the work done. I have worked with teenagers excluded from mainstream school so understand the difficulties.
I would try and focus on what her interests are what job she thinks she wants when the world of work is upon her.
Try and tailor learning to those things, any learning is better than none and it is vital to maintain a routine otherwise when she goes back to school she will find it even more difficult. I would allow a lay in and make breakfast for her. Yes she’s 14 but she is still your child. At this age they often feel unloved or unwanted even in the best of homes.
Is she into music? Get her to rewrite the lyrics of songs she likes or write her own.
Task her with an imaginary budget to refurbish her bedroom and if possible discuss how some elements could be achieved ie pay her to complete chores but save it for her.
Would she be open to growing plants ?
Does she like babies? What about a project on how much and how little a baby might cost eg cot, pram etc.
Look at gcse Bitesize and see what books they might be reading and if she won’t read them try and get the film eg Of Mice and Men has been used for gcse study.
She needs to get into good habits, trust me they will be needed for the rest of her life.
Sorry the baby idea sounds sexist. What about finding out how much driving lessons/flying lessons/surfing lessons cost plus how much to run a car or enjoy that hobby. How could she afford this in the future?
Make it clear it is non-negotiable. You are the adult and the work needs to be completed. Say no tv or music or gaming or lunch etc until it is. I’d include other family members so DD is responsible for others missing out.
She might well shout and strop but if you remain calm and quietly repeat “ you need to do the work” she will eventually understand. Resist getting into an argument with her.
Teenagers need boundaries, it makes them feel secure but it s essential you stay calm and stick to your guns.
I hope this helps and your DD responds positively. It might take a while but it is in her best interests.

Ive have a 15yr old so I know its very difficult but we get through with routine and structure. Her school have been fantastic though which is a massive help. My DD follows her timetable every day - 5 x 1 hr lessons. Each lesson is set via google classroom or is a zoom lesson. If it is not done or done to a poor standard ( school marks and I check), there is a reduction in x box / iPhone/ tv whatever. She works 9-3 with an hour for lunch.
Can you draw a timetable together for the week? Maybe set the work at the weekend for each lesson so she is prepared? BBC bitesize is great, CPG workbooks from amazon are £4.99 each and great for 30 mins maths and English tests.

The school I work at sets online work for everyone. They only supervise those still in school and do not help with work at all - to make it fair on everyone not still attending.

My DD (yr7) seems to get a lot more work than they do and really struggles.
I am a single parent WFH so it is hard to try and do both.
I have started on a Monday giving her a full day of my help to get the majority of it out of the way (I then work in the evening). I find getting a big chunk out of the way means she is able to do smaller amounts the rest of the week without feeling stressed or overwhelmed.

A yr9 should be more independent by now. Do you think she is just overwhelmed by the amount of work so burying her head in the sand?

Those many things weren't facebook memes by any chance, were they?