Another inheritance thread

[Inheritance]

NC as this could be outting and I want some form of privacy.

My Nan is 91, frail and needs 24/7 support - she’s not hard work just needs company, food/tea, keep on top of the house and generally keep an eye on her as she’s prone to falls.

I’ve been living with her for a year as she was worried that social services would put her in a care home. When I moved in without my knowledge she changed her will (wasn’t updated for 20+ years and even then I got the majority) to leave me the house a) she said if I didn’t move in she’d have to sell it anyway to pay for a care home b) none of the other family have never bothered c) she wants me to have a house/home to be set for the future. Before I did feel some guilt for inheriting the lot but I know that I didn’t influence her/the other family members only come over if they want something.

Beforehand myself and my partner weren’t living together - he was at his parents and I rented my own place - he slowly moved into nan’s house/got a local job (an hour away from his) and life was good.

Sorry it’s a long one but getting there - that’s the back story.

Now my DP has been talking that we need to live our own lives and prepare for our future (understandable). He thinks we need to try to work/save as much as possible to get our own place. But his plan is for us to move to his parents to do this as without Nan we won’t need to prep plan care for overtime etc (it’s not actually cost effective for me to work but I do just to keep my foot in the door). But AIBU to still feel like it’s not cost effective for me to move out to ‘save’ when full time care will cost £5k a month per £700 scrimping/overtime savings? He keeps trying to sell this idea for our ‘future’ as he says Nan just wants me to be happy and to have a strong relationship and for that we need to buy our own place. I only have raised the inheritance argument once to him that it’s not cost effective and defeats the object of saving and he says I’m sick for even thinking of nans money as it’s not my money/house and therefore out of the discussion.

We’d have less privacy/space at his parents and while it’s not a normal set up at my nan’s as I have responsibilities here we all seem to enjoy it and I don’t see how moving to his parents is the next step for our relationship.

Sorry if that’s a ramble as I’m running off not much sleep/stress/headache. If I look like I’m a gold digger I haven’t gone into too much about looking after Nan/moving out/getting carers in as I wanted to focus on my partners argument - and the end of the day I’ll be making my own decision as I’ll always put nan’s needs first.

Stay with your nan. Please. She sounds lovely. And be careful as one person said that your DP is not feeding her crap about how you need to get on with your life.

Don’t bank on any inheritance if your nan has to go into a home and the house is sold to fund this. It’s what we had to do, not that we were counting on inheritance, we always knew there wouldn’t be one anyway and none of us needed it. My mil has dementia, there’s no way any of us could give up full time working to care for her, we wouldn’t have the skills.

I see the dp’s POV, he wants to save money but moving back to his parents, but he sounds like he wants an easy option. Leaving your nan alone doesn’t sound like something you want to do, OP. It’s a dilemma.

The bit that doesn't sit right with me is your making decisions through the lens of saving your nan's money so you can inherit more later on - I actually agree with your boyfriend that it's quite a mercenary way to look at it.

As others have said you can't count on money you may never get, and your decisions should be made about what's best for your nan, and also best for you and your future.

It does sound like continuing to live with and care for your nan is a much better option than what your BF has proposed - moving in with his parents sounds like madness.

But it also sounds like you should be finding a compromise to better plan for your future as well. I was a little confused by your post, but if I read it correctly, you said your nan has a care package that provides carers 4x per day from the state, and it was only the additional 1x carer visit per day that she was having to cover.

In which case it seems like you should be able to work full time, or very nearly full time and start to build some savings of your own as well as develop your career (presumably your living costs are not high even if you're contributing to bills etc), and still care for your nan around this.

It makes sense to do this so you are not relying on an inheritance you may not get, and have a proper career to continue in the future.

The toll on your relationship is another matter. As much as your bf does sound like a bit of a jerk, I also imagine it's very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who's a full time carer - I imagine your social life is very limited, and your quality time together is very limited too. In most relationships you would be able to plan to buy a house, think about marriage, children etc - but I can see why in his view that can't happen while you're in your current situation. Yes he met you knowing the situation, but that doesn't make it easy either.

So between you I think you need to have a grown up discussion about your relationship and how you can make it work going forwards.

He sounds lazy and not very nice. You sound mature, caring and thoughtful. I would stay with your nan, especially because of Covid, but anyway.

Btw as she has care needs does she get attendance allowance?

What @DysonFury said! Carry on looking after your nan and enjoying each other.
You don't know how long she has left, absolutely stay loyal to her!!!!

It has often been the case that the person who does the most for the elderly/ill person who gets all or most of the inheritance. I think that is fair enough.
I have seen people who were influenced to either try to get the inheritance earlier by "borrowing" from the older/ill person and I have seen people who left relatives alone and then moan about not getting the inheritance.
I think you are doing a lovely thing for your DNan but I am not impressed with "D"bf who thinks you should leave Nan and go and live with his family. How well do you even know his folks? Do you think he feels second best to your Nan? With your financial position I don't think I would like to be dependant on such a bf. Another point is you have known your DNan all your life, the bf you have known for a very short time in comparison.
This needs a lot of careful thinking. I know what I would chose. I am not just being theoretical here, I have lived that life from both sides