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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another inheritance thread

181 replies

Inheritance · 30/04/2020 09:33

NC as this could be outting and I want some form of privacy.

My Nan is 91, frail and needs 24/7 support - she’s not hard work just needs company, food/tea, keep on top of the house and generally keep an eye on her as she’s prone to falls.

I’ve been living with her for a year as she was worried that social services would put her in a care home. When I moved in without my knowledge she changed her will (wasn’t updated for 20+ years and even then I got the majority) to leave me the house a) she said if I didn’t move in she’d have to sell it anyway to pay for a care home b) none of the other family have never bothered c) she wants me to have a house/home to be set for the future. Before I did feel some guilt for inheriting the lot but I know that I didn’t influence her/the other family members only come over if they want something.

Beforehand myself and my partner weren’t living together - he was at his parents and I rented my own place - he slowly moved into nan’s house/got a local job (an hour away from his) and life was good.

Sorry it’s a long one but getting there - that’s the back story.

Now my DP has been talking that we need to live our own lives and prepare for our future (understandable). He thinks we need to try to work/save as much as possible to get our own place. But his plan is for us to move to his parents to do this as without Nan we won’t need to prep plan care for overtime etc (it’s not actually cost effective for me to work but I do just to keep my foot in the door). But AIBU to still feel like it’s not cost effective for me to move out to ‘save’ when full time care will cost £5k a month per £700 scrimping/overtime savings? He keeps trying to sell this idea for our ‘future’ as he says Nan just wants me to be happy and to have a strong relationship and for that we need to buy our own place. I only have raised the inheritance argument once to him that it’s not cost effective and defeats the object of saving and he says I’m sick for even thinking of nans money as it’s not my money/house and therefore out of the discussion.

We’d have less privacy/space at his parents and while it’s not a normal set up at my nan’s as I have responsibilities here we all seem to enjoy it and I don’t see how moving to his parents is the next step for our relationship.

Sorry if that’s a ramble as I’m running off not much sleep/stress/headache. If I look like I’m a gold digger I haven’t gone into too much about looking after Nan/moving out/getting carers in as I wanted to focus on my partners argument - and the end of the day I’ll be making my own decision as I’ll always put nan’s needs first.

OP posts:
YinMnBlue · 30/04/2020 10:06

He wants you to abandon your Nan to go and live at his parents?

Is he jealous of the attention that your Nan gets from you?

He shouldn’t be guilt tripping you and planting seeds of ‘gold digging’, or trying to manipulate him in any way. If he isn’t happy neither the situation he needs to say so directly and explain why.

If you are happy with the situation -and why wouldn’t you, you chose it- then the two of you need to talk directly about your wants and needs without him trying to manipulate you.

I wouldn’t want to move to his parents and be more squashed.

He sounds selfish, tbh.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 30/04/2020 10:07

Stay with your Nan.

I think you'd find it really hard if something happened to your Nan and you weren't there to help her for the sake of a small amount of savings pcm.

I agree with @happinessischocolate that he's probably concerned (even just subconsciously) that you'll inherit and he won't have had the opportunity to save up as much, putting you very unequal ground to move into the future.

Hoppinggreen · 30/04/2020 10:08

Also be aware that if your Nan does end up needing Residential care the house may have to be sold and you will get nothing.
Even so I think you should stay where you are

LouiseCollina · 30/04/2020 10:08

Please stay with your nan! It’d be so sad if you were to leave her to live out her final days without you on hand. Believe me you’d regret it and resent him for it.

Furrydogmum · 30/04/2020 10:08

I took the op to mean keeping her foot in the door at work..
If that is correct op, then I don't understand your dp's logic - go with your own instincts on this - you're doing a lovely thing for your gran.

Truthpact · 30/04/2020 10:09

Honestly?

I think he's not happy that you prioritise your nan over him. He wants to move out to get rid of the burden of looking after your nan. That's all there is to it. It's not about your future, he doesn't like the burden.

I wouldn't move out. She is your nan, she needs your help. He moved in knowing the situation. He's now decided its not for him, fair enough. But it's your family. You don't pick a man you've not known long over family.

And I'd bet there are other behaviours of his that you haven't mentioned that would make me wary of him. Don't make a big change in your life for him. Say no, see how he reacts. That will tell you everything.

LtJudyHopps · 30/04/2020 10:11

So he wants you to give up caring for your nan and get a full time job, while moving in with his parents as a side step to move on with your life? He’s not coming across very well here.

Your nan would want you to be happy. She doesn’t give a hoot about a ‘strong relationship’ I’m sure - that bit is all him.

How long have you been together?

Weenurse · 30/04/2020 10:12

Stay with your Nan

lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 30/04/2020 10:13

You sound happy living with your nan. It doesn't make sense to move out and in with his parents. What's the difference?? Is it because your dp doesn't want you to inherit the house and be better off than him?

ChipotleBlessing · 30/04/2020 10:14

Oh, please stay with your Nan. I don’t much like the sound of your ‘D’P, his plans sounds both pointless and unkind.

guanciale · 30/04/2020 10:14

stay with nan get the house kick him out

LouiseCollina · 30/04/2020 10:15

Also I’d pay close and careful attention to his manipulative behaviour here OP. It’s quite callous of him to urge you to leave your elderly man in the first place, knowing as he must do that it’d hurt you both. Added to that the attempt at manipulation. He’s prepared to slyly accuse you of gold digging as a tactic to shut down your argument - in other words he’s prepared to be emotionally abusive in order to win an argument so as to get his own way. Well there’s a nice little set of red flags strung neatly together...

yearinyearout · 30/04/2020 10:15

Definitely stay with your nan, what is he expecting you to do about her care? Pay full time carers?

As others have said, don't assume that because the house is left to you in her will, that you'll get it. She could end up needing more professional care and have to go into a home anyway, in which case the house might get sold to pay for it.

user1486915549 · 30/04/2020 10:16

I don’t understand why you and your boyfriend can’t save whilst living with your nan.
Does she pay you for your care ? If you moved out and she needed carers why would it be down to you to pay for them ?
By the way if she does need to go into a care home don’t count on keeping the house. It’s not yours and may have to be sold to pay care bills

UrsulaPandress · 30/04/2020 10:16

Stay with your Nan.

Especially now In the Time of Corona.

Ilovechinese · 30/04/2020 10:19

I agree with other day with your nan. You are so lucky and blessed to still have your nan around and sounds like you have a great relationship. Of you move in with his parents when shes gone you will likely regret it. Plus look how many people post on here about living with in laws and they bully them or interfere in their life and try to take over when the woman gets pregnant. No way does that sound like a good idea

catinasplat · 30/04/2020 10:21

OP reading your post again he sounds a bit dodgy, as though he wants to have more control over you. I would stay where you are. Why can't you both save while you are still living at your nan's if you are both working?

I think he is right to say you can't rely on the inheritance though, things could change and your nan could need more care than you are able to give her.

andweallsingalong · 30/04/2020 10:22

I wouldn't like this.

You've lived with your Nan as long as you've known him. You're happy there. Why on earth would anyone think you would want to move in with his parents? It's a totally different dynamic.

He seems bullying and controlling.

SerendipitySunshine · 30/04/2020 10:23

He has his eyes on money and his own security. Do not leave you gran.

Ilovechinese · 30/04/2020 10:23

Agree 100% with @LouiseCollina good points there, he sounds like s nasty piece of work. Put your nan first

SapatSea · 30/04/2020 10:24

Agree with others, unlessy ou absolutely adore his parents, don't go there. You may split up and you may be left with nothing and feel guilt about depriving your nan of company and care. As others have said don't bank on the inheritance, your aunt may need residential care which will be charged against the estate, if her house is worth an amount into Inheritance tax territory then you will have to find that when she passes and you may not be able to hold onto the house, although you would have a lump sum of the residual value.

poolsofsunshine · 30/04/2020 10:24

Moving in with your partner's parents sounds like a very stupid idea simply on the basis you say you'd have less privacy and space there.

I'd be very, very, very reluctant ever to move in with a partner's parents unless it was genuinelly that or a shop doorway tbh.

Is your partner's plan that you completely stop helping your nan out and work all hours to save as much money as possible? You nan will then presumably pay carers? Is he hoping she then catches Covid-19 from a carer moving house to house and dies quickly? It might be him who's being "sick" with regard to money over love here...

How does his plan to earn as much overtime payment as possible work in your respective fields during lockdown? Are you both in key worker jobs paying overtime?

FishOnPillows · 30/04/2020 10:25

I don’t understand why you would be better off financially if you moved to his parents. If it’s already not cost-effective for you to work, that implies that when you’re working you’re paying for a carer. So surely if you’re not there at all, you’d be paying for a carer full-time?

Related - if it’s just about you working full-time, why can’t you do that while still living with your nan? If you’d be paying for carers anyway, what difference does it make? Except that by staying with your nan you’d still be there overnight etc, and it seems to make her happy.

I’d be seriously questioning my relationship if I were in your shoes.

Medievalist · 30/04/2020 10:26

I also can't see the point in moving in with his parents.

You do need to bear in mind though, that you may not inherit as much as you expect. Your nan may need to move into a nursing home if she gets to a point where she needs specialist care you are unable to provide. In which case, unless she has substantial savings, the house will need to be sold to pay for it.
There is, as pp has said, also the possibility other families may contest the will successfully.

lyralalala · 30/04/2020 10:28

Send him home to his parents before he starts drip-feeding into your Nan’s ear about how she’s holding you back.

He’s obviously bored of the commitment of looking after your nan. And that’s fine, he can choose not to be involved, but don’t let him decide for you.

Send him home.