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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another inheritance thread

181 replies

Inheritance · 30/04/2020 09:33

NC as this could be outting and I want some form of privacy.

My Nan is 91, frail and needs 24/7 support - she’s not hard work just needs company, food/tea, keep on top of the house and generally keep an eye on her as she’s prone to falls.

I’ve been living with her for a year as she was worried that social services would put her in a care home. When I moved in without my knowledge she changed her will (wasn’t updated for 20+ years and even then I got the majority) to leave me the house a) she said if I didn’t move in she’d have to sell it anyway to pay for a care home b) none of the other family have never bothered c) she wants me to have a house/home to be set for the future. Before I did feel some guilt for inheriting the lot but I know that I didn’t influence her/the other family members only come over if they want something.

Beforehand myself and my partner weren’t living together - he was at his parents and I rented my own place - he slowly moved into nan’s house/got a local job (an hour away from his) and life was good.

Sorry it’s a long one but getting there - that’s the back story.

Now my DP has been talking that we need to live our own lives and prepare for our future (understandable). He thinks we need to try to work/save as much as possible to get our own place. But his plan is for us to move to his parents to do this as without Nan we won’t need to prep plan care for overtime etc (it’s not actually cost effective for me to work but I do just to keep my foot in the door). But AIBU to still feel like it’s not cost effective for me to move out to ‘save’ when full time care will cost £5k a month per £700 scrimping/overtime savings? He keeps trying to sell this idea for our ‘future’ as he says Nan just wants me to be happy and to have a strong relationship and for that we need to buy our own place. I only have raised the inheritance argument once to him that it’s not cost effective and defeats the object of saving and he says I’m sick for even thinking of nans money as it’s not my money/house and therefore out of the discussion.

We’d have less privacy/space at his parents and while it’s not a normal set up at my nan’s as I have responsibilities here we all seem to enjoy it and I don’t see how moving to his parents is the next step for our relationship.

Sorry if that’s a ramble as I’m running off not much sleep/stress/headache. If I look like I’m a gold digger I haven’t gone into too much about looking after Nan/moving out/getting carers in as I wanted to focus on my partners argument - and the end of the day I’ll be making my own decision as I’ll always put nan’s needs first.

OP posts:
CHIRIBAYA · 30/04/2020 10:28

Firstly, has your nan arranged POA for finance AND health. I cannot state enough how critical this is. Without the Health and Welfare, social services could very easily put her into a home. If not get it sorted ASAP especially as there are backlogs getting it registered. Secondly, unless your nan has lost mental capacity it is her right and hers alone to decide where her money goes. If the situation is working well for you all why on earth would you want to move in with the parents, sounds like a recipe for stress if ever I heard one. It doesn't sound like a sensible way forward.

GoJetterGirl · 30/04/2020 10:30

Drop him- he sounds like a total ass

Stay with your Nana, she do my has your best interests at heart,

So in summary, stay as you are, or dump him,

Ragwort · 30/04/2020 10:31

Agree with others, regardless of your Nan’s situation why on earth would you want to move in with his parents?

And would they want you to? I have an adult DS and unless they were extreme hardship circumstances there is no way I would be merrily inviting him and his GF to move in with DH & I.

oakleaffy · 30/04/2020 10:32

Stay at Nan's.
She would probably be devastated if you left. Why move out to leave with partner's parents?? zero logic there.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/04/2020 10:32

If I have understood this

You are a full time carer for your nan

Your DP of at least a year, has moved from his parents house into your nans; you used to rent, were self sufficient

He now wants you to
a) leave your nan without your support
b) to move back in with his mum and dad
c) is telling you that this what your nan would want
d) is persuading you that you need to 'get your foot in the door' of a job, no matter what additional care costs that would bring
e) is saying this is so you can have your own lives
f) is hinting you are only with your nan for her money

I really do not understand his thinking, none of what he has said would be to your benefit, or his! Whatever his reasons he sounds deeply unpleasant from here

WickedlyPetite · 30/04/2020 10:32

Does she pay you for your care ? If you moved out and she needed carers why would it be down to you to pay for them ?

I've read the OP a few times now because I just don't understand the comment about it not being cost effective for her to work.

But I think what she actually means is, she's looking at the lump sum she's going to inherit from nan, and watching that that sum reducing with each passing week - as nan already needs 24/7 care so is already paying carers have to come in while OP is at work.

It all sounds a bit "Eyes on the prize" to me.

The only advice I'd give is - don't count on there being anything left when the time comes.

Building your life now based on a future inheritance which may never come to fruition is a bad move.

Cottonanimals · 30/04/2020 10:34

I'd stay put but suggest your Dp moves back in with his parents.

TabbyMumz · 30/04/2020 10:35

If you move out you will lose the house. It will be taken to pay for care home fees and you will have nothing to inherit. Stay put.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/04/2020 10:35

she's looking at the lump sum she's going to inherit from nan, and watching that that sum reducing with each passing week - as nan already needs 24/7 care so is already paying carers have to come in while OP is at work. I read it as if she wasn't there to care for her nan there would need to be a care package put in place and her nan does not want to move into a care home.

The inheritance is a red herring... but not one many MNers can ignore!

HedgehogHotel · 30/04/2020 10:39

I'd send him back to his parents.

IdblowJonSnow · 30/04/2020 10:39

I'd stay with your nan because you sound happy living with each other. Let your BF go back to his parents if that's what he wants.

WoeIsMee · 30/04/2020 10:40

Massive alarm bells about this man. Do not leave your nan!

Sunny345H · 30/04/2020 10:40

I absolutely think that you should stay and support your nan but just wanted to give a word of warning. My family had a similar set up for caring for my grandmother but eventually her health deteriorated and the family became unable to look after her at home. She spent the last few years of her life in a care home and her house was sold to cover the costs. If something similar happens to your nan you may find yourself inheriting a lot less than you expect.

Qgardens · 30/04/2020 10:41

If you are happy to be looking after your Nan then continue to do so. He knew what he was getting into in the first place.
Fair enough if it was suddenly imposed on him without any say, but he knew the situation from the beginning.

Perhaps a middle ground. Buy in some help but continue living there.

Brefugee · 30/04/2020 10:41

Forget about the house. Think about what your nan wants for herself. It seems quite clear to me

Then tell your DP that you're not moving to his parents… see what happens.

MrSheenandMe · 30/04/2020 10:41

I think I see what he means. Realistically he is not going to be independent and have his own place until your nan dies - and even then it will be your place - not his. (And your nan might still have to go into care if she gets dementia or has a stroke or something).

Waiting around for someone else's inheritance is a mug's game.
He could stay living with you for another seven or eight years and be no further forward. You could inherit and leave him, (or not inherit).

I actually admire him for wanting to make his own way with you as an equal partner, an independent couple. His way of doing it does not work for you or your nan though so that is what needs to be discussed.

chocolatedrem · 30/04/2020 10:47

Girl, your man is a giant walking talking red flag.

PinkMonkeyBird · 30/04/2020 10:47

I see no positive reason why you should move out and into your boyf's parent's house. Stay loyal to your nan, she should be your primary focus in this time. Tell your boyf to move back home if he is so insistent on saving up. When/if your nan dies, please make sure the house is only in your name and not his.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 30/04/2020 10:48

He sounds jealous as hell.

Jealous of the fact you have such a lovely, relationship with your nan and jealous that she wants you to inherit her home. Effectively setting you up for life.

MrSheenandMe · 30/04/2020 10:49

Oh and agree that you should not leave your nan - but also echo warnings from PP - (Sunny345H)

I spent 5-8 years helping a parent. I gave up my full time job and spent a fortune
Then a serious fall, deteriorating dementia - 4 years in a care home at 50k a year. No house.

PinkMonkeyBird · 30/04/2020 10:49

Girl, your man is a giant walking talking red flag.

This. Totally!

WoeIsMee · 30/04/2020 10:52

Well, that’s unanimous Grin 🚩🚩🚩🚩

MaggieMcSplash · 30/04/2020 10:52

Your DPs plan does not make sense at all. Why would you wish to live with his parents?
You Nan is 91 years old. Put her needs first. You will end up regretting it if you don't. Your partner is being very unreasonable. Honour your promise to your nan she's your family.
If it didn't work out with DP you'd have the guilt of letting your Nan down and you also would lose out in your inheritance. It's a no brainer. Say no and if he doesn't support you then he's not the one for you.

Supersimkin2 · 30/04/2020 10:54

Stay with Nan. She loves you and is housing you. He isn't.

timeisnotaline · 30/04/2020 10:54

The financial situation is very unclear- as to why you save more at his parents (because you would work more instead of caring for your nan?), and you can not count on an inheritance as others say- the house could still be sold to pay for care costs so you need to promise yourself not to bring that one up again.
But, what do you want? Do you want to care for your nan? Do you want to stop caring for your nan? Do you want to live with your partners parents? It doesn’t sound like you really want to stop caring for your nan but you may feel guilty even admitting it to yourself, so think about it. I can’t imagine you really want to live with your partners parents so I’d say not happening. What is your partner like otherwise? Many men who’ve never lived independently have no clue and limited interest in actually pulling their weight domestically, is he one? If so he should go live on his own!!