Another inheritance thread

[Inheritance]

NC as this could be outting and I want some form of privacy.

My Nan is 91, frail and needs 24/7 support - she’s not hard work just needs company, food/tea, keep on top of the house and generally keep an eye on her as she’s prone to falls.

I’ve been living with her for a year as she was worried that social services would put her in a care home. When I moved in without my knowledge she changed her will (wasn’t updated for 20+ years and even then I got the majority) to leave me the house a) she said if I didn’t move in she’d have to sell it anyway to pay for a care home b) none of the other family have never bothered c) she wants me to have a house/home to be set for the future. Before I did feel some guilt for inheriting the lot but I know that I didn’t influence her/the other family members only come over if they want something.

Beforehand myself and my partner weren’t living together - he was at his parents and I rented my own place - he slowly moved into nan’s house/got a local job (an hour away from his) and life was good.

Sorry it’s a long one but getting there - that’s the back story.

Now my DP has been talking that we need to live our own lives and prepare for our future (understandable). He thinks we need to try to work/save as much as possible to get our own place. But his plan is for us to move to his parents to do this as without Nan we won’t need to prep plan care for overtime etc (it’s not actually cost effective for me to work but I do just to keep my foot in the door). But AIBU to still feel like it’s not cost effective for me to move out to ‘save’ when full time care will cost £5k a month per £700 scrimping/overtime savings? He keeps trying to sell this idea for our ‘future’ as he says Nan just wants me to be happy and to have a strong relationship and for that we need to buy our own place. I only have raised the inheritance argument once to him that it’s not cost effective and defeats the object of saving and he says I’m sick for even thinking of nans money as it’s not my money/house and therefore out of the discussion.

We’d have less privacy/space at his parents and while it’s not a normal set up at my nan’s as I have responsibilities here we all seem to enjoy it and I don’t see how moving to his parents is the next step for our relationship.

Sorry if that’s a ramble as I’m running off not much sleep/stress/headache. If I look like I’m a gold digger I haven’t gone into too much about looking after Nan/moving out/getting carers in as I wanted to focus on my partners argument - and the end of the day I’ll be making my own decision as I’ll always put nan’s needs first.

Also bear in mind that even if the will is valid and you keep on supporting your nan, there may come a time when she has no choice but to go into a care home. At which point, the house may need to be sold to pay for her care.

Do not put all your eggs into that particular inheritance basket.

Agree with other posters. He resents the time you spend looking after your nan, and wants you to spend it all looking after him instead. It's all about his own wants. Lazy and selfish. Definitely stay with your nan.

Urgh I was with you until you said “I’ve got my eye on the prize” I’m sure it’s just a turn of phrase but it makes you sound like you’re only caring for your Nan to get the house.

OP,

He comes across as selfish and lazy, and he's clearly tryinmg to manipulate you with all the talk about him feeling that your Nan wants you to have a strong relationship. I also agree he wants your attention on him, not your Nan.

So, I'd have a good chat with Nan when he wasn't around, to see if he has been making suggestions to her, as a pp suspected.

And then I'd dump him, what with all the red flags. Stay with your Nan.

Everyone says 'stay with your nan' and while I do think that sounds like what you should do, I've never lived with my nan, I've always been able to plan and have my own life, so I think you need to think about your future. Even if she's frail she could be around for a long time, which is fantastic but it could really impact on your own family life. It's lovely that you can care for her, so if you're happy doing that then you need to consider whether you need a partner that could also be happy living with her, but that's a difficult one to ask of someone. Even my in laws had my husbands mum live with them in a massive house, but it wasn't so easy for the MIL, and they had a house big enough for lots of everything including dining rooms, living rooms etc. Your grandma is also entitled to change her will at any time, and could do. What do your parents think if they're around.

I am just blown away that this is your top priority right now.

I don’t like him. Stay with your nan

"I am just blown away that this is your top priority right now."
I'm not. Life goes on, despite Covid, and it sounds like a valid concern. Covid and lockdown is the new norm now, so people start thinking of other issues.

He sounds very immature, saying he ‘just wants to chill’, is he a teenager? .

Is he still working during shut down? If not what does he do in your MSN’s house all day?

If he wants to back to his parents, let him.

Just say no. And mean it.

I'm not getting that the DP is necessarily selfish or wanting the OP to look after him.

I have taken the "chill" comment to mean he wants them to relax together - not that he wants OP to wait on him- can you explain what he meant op? You say that your Nan just needs housework, company and meals, and she has paid carers coming in 4 times a day, but then say you are usually busy 9-5pm and not able to spend evenings with him now - can you explain what you do during the day? Genuine question, not being sarky, just trying to understand your partners chill comment, whether you are run off your feet and he legitimately wants to have more time together.

It may be that your priorities are incompatible, but in honesty I think wanting to work towards your own home with your partner is a pretty normal step. How old are you both (approximately), is having kids something that you would both want to do in the next five years, or is that further away?

Obviously it's entirely your choice if you want to care for your Nan, but I've known a few women who spent many years providing care to a parent or grandparent and ended up absolutely exhausted and having very little of their own life due to it, and by the time their relative passed away they had missed opportunities they couldn't get back. My own parents have been very clear that I should not put my life on hold to care for them. If you are happy living there, doing a bit of housework and making tea, that is one thing, but if your relationship ends, you delay or don't have children and you are barely working and not building up any savings, that is another. Some of this will depend on your age and whether you have enough years to care for your Nan and then go on and have your own family and career.

But AIBU to still feel like it’s not cost effective for me to move out to ‘save’ when full time care will cost £5k a month per £700 scrimping/overtime savings?
But the £700 earnt will be in your pocket now, whereas the £5k 'saved' by you being an unpaid carer will be in your Nan's pocket, which may or may not be inherited by you one day. And if you continue to care for her for 10 years, then don't inherit the house for whatever reason, then you will not have anything financially to show for those 10 years and will not have a home. That's the difference. Your partner definitely shouldn't call you "sick" for thinking about the inheritance, but I would not put the inheritance into your planning at all- make your plans as if it doesn't exist.

The OP never said “I’ve got my eyes on the prize” - she was responding to another poster who’d used that language in reference to her. Also she hasn’t “ditched her career” as she made clear in her opening post. MN is irritating to read sometimes, the amount of posters who comment on what they think they read instead of what’s actually been said.

OP, you said you’ve got to respect his opinions. The problem with that is he’s not presenting you with opinions. He’s presenting you with contentions; cast-iron statements framed as if they were facts and demanding you fashion your life around them. A relevant consideration raised against his contentions is dismissed as “sick.” You don’t want to be with someone who’ll hurt you to prove a point. That way lies misery. Send him packing back to his parents and spend her last few years with your nan.

Even if I was to leave (which I don’t want to do)

That is enough OP. You don’t want to leave your Nan so don’t.

What would you gain from it? Living with your in-laws and time to “chill” with a partner who resents you looking after your Nan and doing housework.

I could understand if he was wanting to move into your own place together, get married, have kids etc, but he just wants you to move in with his parents?

It may be that your priorities are incompatible, but in honesty I think wanting to work towards your own home with your partner is a pretty normal step.

That is true. But there’s nothing to stop them staying with OPs Nan and getting carers during the day so OP could work full time (if that’s what you want OP) and they could save money.

OP could then spend time with her Nan and work towards saving for a property together.

There doesn’t seem to be any benefit to moving in with her partner’s parents except that the partner gets time to chill (ie the parents do all the housework?)

Have you suggested that option OP? I think his answer to that would be very telling.

Kick him out!
Seriously please don't be dumb enough to marry and have kids with this guy after all the warnings you've had!!

He doesn't help now and wants a break?!
So what do you think he'll be like as a father?

A PP asked if your DP is paying rent/share of bills etc?
Cos he should be.
If you moved to his parents - you'd be expected to pay your way even if he didn't....and you'd be doing his share of the housework and he'd have two women running round after him.

In an ideal world he’d be looking for me to leave ASAP and putting 24/7 carers in
This is so cold an callous.
He doesn't have any love or compassion for your nan.
You choose to take care of her out of love, just like you did with your grandad.
He wants to leave her to be handled and 'accommodated' by strangers...

He just wants us to ‘chill’ which if you drop the ball for a couple of days the house ends up like a tip
So he wants to go home to mummy who will 'look after' him - and have you on tap doing the same?
He doesn't even respect your nan's house and you don't stand firm with him over it?!
Do you think you would be allowed to get away with that kind of behaviour living in his parents house?

He sounds like a jealous dick - of your relationship with your nan and the possibility of you being financially 'better off' than him.

He's quick to kick your nan to the curb........he'll be just as quick getting you financially involved with him to get his hands on any inheritance.

Always keep your finances/savings/inheritance safe and ringfenced legally when using it for deposits etc.

Out of curiosity - is this what he'd do to his own parents? Do they know?
Or would he expect you to take care of them?

But there’s nothing to stop them staying with OPs Nan and getting carers during the day so OP could work full time (if that’s what you want OP) and they could save money.

I think that previously the OP worked more and they had more paid carers, but she felt the carers were costing her Nan too much money and it wasn't 'cost effective' for her to work, so OP cut back on her hours.

t was cost effective for me to work when we had a self employed carer for £10ph but I soon realised that if I had an important meeting at work and she called in sick it was an issue. Therefore we used the same agency but they charge £26ph during the week which I feel is an absolute rip off for my Nan to fork out. I’m not saving this money as I’ve got my eye on the prize but she may need more equipment/house being adapted in the future for her to stay at home (where she wants to be).

Be clear what is your money and what is your Nan's, as you may never get that inheritance. If you work you are saving money for yourself, if you look after you Nan unpaid you are saving money for her. If you worked more if would be cost effective for you. If you make a choice to not earn money that is one thing, but don't make the error of thinking you are saving money for yourself when you aren't.

Also I don't think £26 per hour is an absolute rip off- for someone to come to your house to provide care, and the agency to provide reliable back up if the original carer is unwell. Professional care is expensive!

If your Nan used the self-employed carer again and she cancelled sometimes, can you not still go to your work meetings? Does your Nan need somebody there all the time? From your first post it sounded like you were more providing company and keeping an eye on her, and she would have been ok to be alone for a couple of hours?

OP it's lovely that you want to care for your Nan.

But you must see his view - yours carries financial risk.
Your plan: care for your Nan, probably at cost to putting in more hours/gaining responsibilities in paid employment.
You may inherit some money when she passes on. It's not certain, it could be many years off, she may require more care, her will may be challenged.

His plan: you focus on your own financial security, independent of a possible inheritance. I don't actually think it's a huge red flag for him to want to plan for your future and long term prospects together? If you & he want a family together, relying on a possible inheritance is less financially secure than saving and working hard at your own career.

How old are you OP. What are you asking of him, are you expecting him to put his life on hold while your finances as a couple are reliant on your nan, not his?

His plan: you focus on your own financial security, independent of a possible inheritance. I don't actually think it's a huge red flag for him to want to plan for your future and long term prospects together? If you & he want a family together, relying on a possible inheritance is less financially secure than saving and working hard at your own career.

Right but that isn’t what he’s said. He’s said he wants them to have time to “chill” and then he called OP “sick” when she disagreed with him & told her “end of discussion” That’s not the words of a caring person.

He also doesn’t want them to move in to their own place and start a family. He wants them to move back to his parents to have more time to chill.

Also the very important point that OP doesn’t want to move out of her Nan’s house. She loves her Nan and enjoys living their and taking care of the house and garden. She wouldn’t have any of that at his parent’s house.

OP if YOU are worried about your financial future you could talk to your Nan about getting carers in for longer (apply for attendance allowance of you don’t already have it and get and adult social care assessment to see if they’ll provide any financial support) and upping your hours, but please don’t do it to please a man who is not supportive of you or kind to you or your Nan.

You could earn just as much money living at your Nans as at his parents. The extra care would cost as much with you still there as with you living away. If he makes up an excuse for that I’d worry all he really wants is to either separate you from you family or to always have his own way.

I took the "chill" comment to be wanting him and OP to relax and spend time together now, as it sounds like she is constantly doing housework in her Nan's house. How much housework is there to do?!

Covid has put a strain on our relationship as I used to spend 100% of my time between 9-5 either doing household chores or keeping my Nan company and then I’d spend the evening with DP but everything is outta sorts at the moment... He just wants us to ‘chill’ which if you drop the ball for a couple of days the house ends up like a tip

I only have raised the inheritance argument once to him that it’s not cost effective and defeats the object of saving and he says I’m sick for even thinking of nans money as it’s not my money/house and therefore out of the discussion.

He didn't say "end of discussion", he said the potential inheritance is "out of the discussion". And it should be out of the discussion about buying their own home together one day, because an inheritance is very uncertain.

OP is saying it is not "cost effective" for her to work more and build up her own savings, because that will cost her Nan more money in carers fees and thus deplete her Nan's pot of money (that she assumes will come to her one day through inheritance). OP feels that her Nan spending money on carers "defeats the object of [OP] saving". Op is thinking of her Nan's money as her own future money, he wants to completely disregard her Nan's money in their financial planning.

If OP wants to buy a home with her partner, she needs to build up her own savings, not rely on an inheritance that may or may not come to her. If she doesn't want to work towards buying a home with her partner, she needs to tell him that this is not an aim for her now, and see if they can make an alternative plan together or if they decide to split up.

What is your career OP- if you spend years 'keeping your foot in the door' will you be able to resume it later and earn a decent amount?

I think his aim of moving to his parents is that OP won't be a full time carer and can work and save more money. They tried that living at her Nan's but she didn't want her Nan to spend money on carers as it was depleting her Nan's money. So it isn't that he has refused that plan, it is that OP has refused as she thinks it's not cost effective to spend money on carers so she can work.

DGM must be quite frail to have carers 4 times a day.
I think you should be working full time so you have a career. I'm not clear if you are. Or if you've stopped due to CV19.
Well cared for elderly people can live into their 100s so this isn't necessarily a short term arrangement. Did DGM see a solicitor about will changes.
I think you need to be able to manage your life with your own income, not relying on DP or inheritance. It will probably be a while until you have to make adecision on this with DP as DGM will be in the at risk category.
Put yourself first. You seem so vague about future home, children, relationship. Make some plans that suit you.

I'm with your dp.
You are spending your life waiting for your grandmother to die. Inheritance is never guaranteed. She could change her mind. Sounds like bf wants to move on with life. Work towards getting his own place.

God I couldn't do that to my nan.
From your last update I'd say he's jealous of not having your full attention and wants your nan out of the picture. The balance of control would tip massively in his favour at his parents aswell.
He doesn't seem right to me, I'm seeing red flags.

Stay at your nan's and look after her, youd never forgive yourself if something was to happen to her.

He is lazy, I can appreciate moving into your own place but swapping from nans house to his parents makes no sense

On the other hand frail people needing carers 4 times a day don't tend to have a lifespan of 10 years, even if house sold for care OP would still have 16k which is a decent deposit
if there is money left I think OP deserves it as has been caring for her nan for years,

Stay at your nan's and look after her, youd never forgive yourself if something was to happen to her.

Realistically something will happen to her within the next decade as she is in her 90s! If the OP chooses to move out, work full time, buy a house with her partner in that time frame she really doesn't deserve to "never forgive herself".

I feel like I'm reading a different thread to everyone else.

The op working very part-time to save her Nan money on carers in anticipation that she will inherit her Nan's savings one day is NOT a good financial decision for op.

It is the op who doesn't want to work more hours whilst living with her Nan, hence why her partner has suggested moving out and her not being a carer.