Another inheritance thread

[Inheritance]

NC as this could be outting and I want some form of privacy.

My Nan is 91, frail and needs 24/7 support - she’s not hard work just needs company, food/tea, keep on top of the house and generally keep an eye on her as she’s prone to falls.

I’ve been living with her for a year as she was worried that social services would put her in a care home. When I moved in without my knowledge she changed her will (wasn’t updated for 20+ years and even then I got the majority) to leave me the house a) she said if I didn’t move in she’d have to sell it anyway to pay for a care home b) none of the other family have never bothered c) she wants me to have a house/home to be set for the future. Before I did feel some guilt for inheriting the lot but I know that I didn’t influence her/the other family members only come over if they want something.

Beforehand myself and my partner weren’t living together - he was at his parents and I rented my own place - he slowly moved into nan’s house/got a local job (an hour away from his) and life was good.

Sorry it’s a long one but getting there - that’s the back story.

Now my DP has been talking that we need to live our own lives and prepare for our future (understandable). He thinks we need to try to work/save as much as possible to get our own place. But his plan is for us to move to his parents to do this as without Nan we won’t need to prep plan care for overtime etc (it’s not actually cost effective for me to work but I do just to keep my foot in the door). But AIBU to still feel like it’s not cost effective for me to move out to ‘save’ when full time care will cost £5k a month per £700 scrimping/overtime savings? He keeps trying to sell this idea for our ‘future’ as he says Nan just wants me to be happy and to have a strong relationship and for that we need to buy our own place. I only have raised the inheritance argument once to him that it’s not cost effective and defeats the object of saving and he says I’m sick for even thinking of nans money as it’s not my money/house and therefore out of the discussion.

We’d have less privacy/space at his parents and while it’s not a normal set up at my nan’s as I have responsibilities here we all seem to enjoy it and I don’t see how moving to his parents is the next step for our relationship.

Sorry if that’s a ramble as I’m running off not much sleep/stress/headache. If I look like I’m a gold digger I haven’t gone into too much about looking after Nan/moving out/getting carers in as I wanted to focus on my partners argument - and the end of the day I’ll be making my own decision as I’ll always put nan’s needs first.

It sounds like he just wants to absolve himself (and you) of caring responsibilities, to be honest. If you moved out would your Nan require care at home? It doesn't sound like she meets the threshold for residential placement, and in any case, if she has capacity nobody can "put" her in a care home against her wishes.

WRT the house, I'd recommend getting some legal advice. I can't speak for every local authority, but in mine, the rule for the property being taken into cosied ration for care home fees (if needed in future) is that if someone has given up their home to move in with the person to provide care, they would be able to remain living in the house and in most cases there wouldn't be a charge placed against the property. I would advise checking your own KA policy on paying for residential care and possibly consulting a solicitor to confirm where you stand - moving out could change the picture and bean that your nans house would be sold to pay care fees as you wouldn't be resident there.

Mixed feelings here.

I assume the point about work is that if op's Nan needs 24/7 someone there in case of falls, op can't work many hours and save money currently.

You aren't keen to move into your partner's parents home, and I can understand why you don't fancy living with them. However it sounds like your partner isn't happy with the current situation - living with his partner's Nan, and you not building up savings as you are caring for her. I can understand how he feels- I wouldn't fancy living with my husband's grandparents.

It's not "sick" to mention the potential inheritance whilst discussing your financial planning, your partner shouldn't accuse you of being sick, it is a possible outcome. But an inheritance is far from certain so I wouldn't base your life plans on this. Whilst you may inherit from her, if she ends up needing a nursing home (which some people do, even if family provide care up until a point sometimes it becomes impossible), the inheritance could be used up. For whatever reasons her assets may be less than you are expecting. Other relatives may challenge her will, using up money in legal fees and delaying probate.

She may live another 10 years and require an increasing amount of care from you. Do you want children with your partner? To further your career? How might caring for your Nan fit into this? Your partner may be worried about the longer term picture, if you are not saving towards the option of moving out and perhaps attaching too much certainty to the chance of inheriting.

You enjoy living with your Nan now and caring for her, which is great, but I'd just be aware of what your longer term plans are, both for yourself and in your relationship. It's one thing to choose to stay there whilst you are enjoying living there, but another if in five years you don't have the option to move out because you don't have any savings and your career has stalled, and the care has escalated beyond what you feel able to provide.

I don't get why it would be better to abandon your poor nan and move in with his parents? Is it so you can work more?

At the end of the day it's up to you but if you do leave your nan she won't be around forever and you may regret your decision.

Moving in with his parents would be mad. If you fall out with them you'd be homeless. And you could hardly go back to your grans. But don't count on inheriting the house. The will could be contested, she might not even have left the house to you in any case. This has happened. And if she eventually needs more care than you can provide the house may need to be sold. So all this needs to be borne in mind when making decisions. Don't move in with his parents.

If your DP really loved you, surely he would suggest you both stay at your Nans? Failing that, if he wants to move, move to a house and move your Nan in with you both? He sounds very selfish but I also don't understand your comments about overtime etc

I agree with everyone. Strange and a bit concerning that he wants you to leave your Nan’s house only to move in with his parents !
Your Nan is very elderly and relies on you, this is a particularly worryingly time too, what if she caught CV ?
I agree that he sounds manipulative, and jealous of your Nan. Moving him in sounds a mistake. Maybe he should move back to his parents ?
Don’t leave your Nan over a man.

He sounds very unpleasant, who would even consider leaving a vulnerable 91 yr old alone?
Stay where you are and send him back to mummy.

Stay where you are. Why would you move to his parents and leave your nan alone

I would also be reconsidering my relationship with him, family is important to you, he doesn’t seem to get that

Stay with your nan who needs you regardless of any inheritance, she won't be around forever.
The only way I would change that situ if I were you would be if I got my own place that I could move nan in with me or if she needed round the clock care that I couldn't provide.
Your DP may be temporary ( just being realistic) and I would not have the added pressure of living with someone else's parents either.
I spent 6 years looking after my nan when I was younger, missing out on a 'normal' life for a while and I don't regret a second of it. I loved her dearly and cherish the time that we had together. The rest of it can wait.

I'd get him out of her house asap - he sounds like he's just tired of being held back by the responsibility or rather by YOUR responsibility.
Let him move to his parents and explain that the 'future' will need to wait a bit.

I can understand his perspective though - I wouldn't want to live with my partner's grandparent in their house, with my partner working very part-time and not building a career or building up savings towards a home together, with a financial plan that they may inherit their grandparents house one day. It's not really a joint plan is it? I can see he would rather you both work, build up savings together, buy a house together.

Can you work more, build up savings and have a plan to move out at some point? Does your Nan really need you around 24/7 rather than say have one of those button necklaces to press if she has a fall when you are at work? You could agree with your Nan that you continue living with her and provide some care, but also work more yourself so you can build up savings towards a home with your partner in future?

OP, there's quite a lot to unpick here.

Forget the inheritance issue for a moment, because you aren't entitled to a penny until your nan actually dies and leaves something to you in her will. It's always possible that she might change her will for some reason, or that she could end up needing care that you can't provide over a sustained period of time, with the result that when she eventually dies, there's nothing left. An inheritance is nice, but it's not something you can ever rely on until you actually become legally entitled to it.

I can understand why your partner might not feel 100% happy living at your nan's house. It's her house, presumably her rules, he probably feels like he can't have his stuff lying around the place or have friends over (when not in lockdown) or do what he wants. I'm guessing the two of you don't get a lot of alone time and you have a lot of caring responsibilities.

If he was proposing that the two of you move out and get your own place then I would totally get that. But what he's suggesting is that you swap living under your nan's roof for living under his parents' roof. That's not going to give you any more space or freedom than you currently have. All it means is that he will feel more comfortable in his family home, but your nan will be living alone again and you'll probably be going over there all the time to see her and she'll still need to bring in a lot more outside care to ensure her needs are met.

I think the two of you need to discuss what your priorities are. Do you want your own space and privacy, or do you want to save money for the future? If you want your own space and privacy then you need to get your own place together (preferably not too far from your nan so you can continue to spend time with her). If you want to save money then the two of you can either live at your nan's or with his parents, but from your point of view there seem to be lots of good reasons for staying with your nan, with or without the inheritance issue.

Perhaps you could suggest keeping things as they are for now and agreeing to revisit the issue at a set date in the future. If he wants to save money and for the two of you to get your own place together, maybe sit down and work out how much money you need to save for that to be a possibility, and how long that will take if you each save X amount per month. Then when you're getting close to that target you can reassess the situation.

Regarding your nan, I am sure she hugely appreciates having you there and that you won't regret spending this time looking after her. But you don't know how long this situation will continue. She might die six months from now, in which case I think you would massively regret moving out to his parents' house and leaving her in her last few months of life, or she might die ten years from now, in which case you really can't carry on living with her for that long. That's why I would stay put for now and revisit the issue when you and your partner are getting close to being able to afford your own place, but I wouldn't want to move out to his parents' house just because your partner would rather be there than at your nan's. You won't save any more money living there than you currently do, so the money issue is a red herring.

He sounds a nasty piece of work. The idea of moving you to his parent's house could be an attempt to isolate you. There will be others and he will get worse.

He is telling you what your Nan thinks
(...he says Nan just wants me to be happy and to have a strong relationship and for that we need to buy our own place).

Agree a lot of red flags. Stay with your nan.
Don't marry him and don't have children with him.

or save for the future while he's at his parents and you're at your nans.
As for the house - if you're her live in carer, her grand-daughter and her children are not involved in her life no court in the land will overturn a will gifting you the house that is now your home.

Also I’d pay close and careful attention to his manipulative behaviour here OP

^This. The man is jealous of the time you are spending with your nan and also the fact that you are very likely to receive a large inheritance. Moving in with his parents makes no. sense. at. all.

@HopelesslydevotedtoGu I would assume that the inheritence the OP is set to receive will offset any career moves she can pull now. The OP is working any way, it's not as if she left her job 10 years ago and can't get back into the world of work.

Basically he wants you to abandon your Nan to work as many hours as you can to buy a joint house. With his idea of loyalty I'd tel him to move out.

Don't ever change your plans to make yourself less secure and someone else more secure.

I took the OP to mean when she goes to work, sh arranges the "care cover" for nan, and therefore it isn't cost effective for her to go to work. And that she works to "keep her foot in the door" of the working world as she knows her nan won't be here forever and she would need to go back to work if she did give it up.

I agree with the PPs who say he sounds jealous of how you care for and love your nan, and I wouldn't entertain moving in with his parents to save up - why can't you save up while living with your nan? And then when you do inherit the house, your savings would go on renovations or whatever.

How do you feel about leaving your Nan?
(He clearly isn't very attached to her.)

Ring stay with your man and let him move in with his parents. Sounds like a manipulative controlling A hole.

Another one who doesn’t understand how moving in with his parents is ‘progressing’.
Personally I’d stay with your Nan. The arrangement works for both of you. There’s no guilt at leaving her and you don’t have to get used to living in someone else’s house.

Damn autocorrect!
I meant omg stay with your nan!

Don't ever change your plans to make yourself less secure and someone else more secure.

And this.

There is no way on earth I would ever have moved into a partner's parents' home unless it was an emergency

That goes for you, now but also for your DP - I think he has unintentionally incrementally found himself in position of live in carer. I actually don't think it is unreasonable for him not to want to be or do that, indefinitely. Or that it makes him unpleasant. It is not in many people's plans at the start of a relationship.

And does your nan want to move into a home or rather stay where she is?

Rather than being "sick" to think about it, though I think you need to formalise and make explicit to everyone the agreement re your nan's inheritance position and your legal relationship to her house/your home.

Mate, this man has so many red flags you could sell him as bunting.

Stay with your lovely nan.

I find it telling that you call this “another inheritance thread” rather than your focus being on where you should live / should you be working more etc. As someone upthread said, it’s all very eyes to the prize