Another inheritance thread

[Inheritance]

NC as this could be outting and I want some form of privacy.

My Nan is 91, frail and needs 24/7 support - she’s not hard work just needs company, food/tea, keep on top of the house and generally keep an eye on her as she’s prone to falls.

I’ve been living with her for a year as she was worried that social services would put her in a care home. When I moved in without my knowledge she changed her will (wasn’t updated for 20+ years and even then I got the majority) to leave me the house a) she said if I didn’t move in she’d have to sell it anyway to pay for a care home b) none of the other family have never bothered c) she wants me to have a house/home to be set for the future. Before I did feel some guilt for inheriting the lot but I know that I didn’t influence her/the other family members only come over if they want something.

Beforehand myself and my partner weren’t living together - he was at his parents and I rented my own place - he slowly moved into nan’s house/got a local job (an hour away from his) and life was good.

Sorry it’s a long one but getting there - that’s the back story.

Now my DP has been talking that we need to live our own lives and prepare for our future (understandable). He thinks we need to try to work/save as much as possible to get our own place. But his plan is for us to move to his parents to do this as without Nan we won’t need to prep plan care for overtime etc (it’s not actually cost effective for me to work but I do just to keep my foot in the door). But AIBU to still feel like it’s not cost effective for me to move out to ‘save’ when full time care will cost £5k a month per £700 scrimping/overtime savings? He keeps trying to sell this idea for our ‘future’ as he says Nan just wants me to be happy and to have a strong relationship and for that we need to buy our own place. I only have raised the inheritance argument once to him that it’s not cost effective and defeats the object of saving and he says I’m sick for even thinking of nans money as it’s not my money/house and therefore out of the discussion.

We’d have less privacy/space at his parents and while it’s not a normal set up at my nan’s as I have responsibilities here we all seem to enjoy it and I don’t see how moving to his parents is the next step for our relationship.

Sorry if that’s a ramble as I’m running off not much sleep/stress/headache. If I look like I’m a gold digger I haven’t gone into too much about looking after Nan/moving out/getting carers in as I wanted to focus on my partners argument - and the end of the day I’ll be making my own decision as I’ll always put nan’s needs first.

I wouldn't move. The primary reason for being with your Nan hasn't changed. She needs your help to continue to live in her own home. If you leave, be it into your own house or in with his parents, she will end up in a care home. If your dp knows this then I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who will happily see a 90 odd year old lady in a home to save for a deposit. Inheritance or no inheritance

Does your DP pay rent to your grandmother?
Is your DP's parents expecting you to pay rent?
What happens if you fell out with your DP, would you just have to stay put with the in-laws or do you have somewhere else to go?
Who is going to spend the days socialising with your grandmother when you are not there?
Can you look back on your decision in years to come and believe that moving out of your grandmother's home at this time of her life was a positive move for you?
When your grandmother passes away, you will still find that vultures will fight tooth and nail when you are feeling vulnerable.
You need to make sure you have support for when this time comes.

He can wait, nan needs you . Stay with her.

Interesting question from Savingshoes
Is your DP's parents expecting you to pay rent?

Do the in-laws even know yet about the OP moving in with them?

The DP's got this all sussed.

It’s such a tough one and thank you for all the responses. I’d love to care for Nan even when she hopefully reaches 100.

We do have a support package with carers in four times a day (now stopped because of Covid) and one day a week. It was cost effective for me to work when we had a self employed carer for £10ph but I soon realised that if I had an important meeting at work and she called in sick it was an issue. Therefore we used the same agency but they charge £26ph during the week which I feel is an absolute rip off for my Nan to fork out. I’m not saving this money as I’ve got my eye on the prize but she may need more equipment/house being adapted in the future for her to stay at home (where she wants to be). While I’m not a professional carer I feel like I do a good job and better for her as I know all of her needs/how she likes things done - I also looked after my grandad before he passed (not full time but to give carers a break/cover holidays etc). Even if I was to leave (which I don’t want to do) I’d still have a lot of responsibilities of taking her to appointments/sorting out medications/shopping/bills/carers/doing welfare checks/spending quality time with her. The only time I feel I wouldn’t be able to cope is if I had children and I wasn’t able to look after them fully as well or if she needed to an actual nurse - something ‘worth’ the money and the best money could buy.

Covid has put a strain on our relationship as I used to spend 100% of my time between 9-5 either doing household chores or keeping my Nan company and then I’d spend the evening with DP but everything is outta sorts at the moment.

In an ideal world he’d be looking for me to leave ASAP and putting 24/7 carers in which in my eyes is just ridiculous due to Covid/we’d not be able to do anything anyways apart from sit in his parents house. I also don’t want to leave but when he’s talking about his happiness it’s hard not to kinda think about what he says will be happy.

He just wants us to ‘chill’ which if you drop the ball for a couple of days the house ends up like a tip and I actually enjoy doing diy/being house proud/pottering around the garden - something I wouldn’t be able to do at his.

We’ve been talking about our future a lot and marriage/kids but he doesn’t want that next step until I’m not caring/we’ve bought our own house etc which I have to respect his opinions.

You're not conjoined twins. If he wants to live with his parents he can live with his parents. You made a commitment to your 91 year old Nan. Honour that. You can always get another man, you won't get your time with your Nan back.

Well you sound incompatible anyway...

If normally your Nan has carers x4 per day why are you not working?
Is it necessary to pay for the 4th visit? can you not get her ready for bed?
Why is the house turning into a tip if YOU don’t keep on top it? Is daft lad not helping in the house?
My DP cares for his DGP (92), no carers come in and he manages between work(self employed thankfully) to pop in and out and do the essentials.
There’s no reason not to work during the day, then you’d be saving and supporting your Nan.

Make sure a solicitor is bought in to confirm your nan is sound of mind otherwise the will can be contested and you will loose the house. The house is your nans way of thanking you for looking after her, so don’t leave

We’ve been talking about our future a lot and marriage/kids but he doesn’t want that next step until I’m not caring/we’ve bought our own house etc which I have to respect his opinions.

Please also bear in mind that he should be respecting yours.

Trying to emotionally manipulate a situation to get it entirely his own way shows zero respect.

He could have sat you down and said that the current set up isn't working, ideally he'd like to do X, he's prepared to compromise to Y, so what is your feelings about that. Instead he's trying to make all the decisions and push you into accepting them.

Please be very careful he's not dripping into your Nan's ears about her preventing you from living the life you want. My brother did this and it only all came out on the morning that my Nana was due to go into a home that she didn't actually want that, but X had said that we all did.

Hmm. He doesn't want to marry you until you are no longer caring...or until you have inherited the house free and clear and have money?

OP, this is a relationship issue between you and your DP, but it is also a care issue.

And although I think your DP is being manipulative, and I can’t think why you would move in with his parents, there are considerations to take seriously:
He may be being sensible to want to plan without taking an inheritance into consideration because it may not come to fruition (care fees)

You also need to think about your own work / career / pension,

However, you are presumably making a saving by having given up you rented flat.

Does your Nan receive Attendance Allowance? If not, apply. As far as I know it is not means tested and she could choose to pay it to you to care for her, or it could be used to pay a Carer to sit with her / do meals etc for a couple of hours when you are at work.

Has she had a financial assessment? My parents resisted this like crazy, but it resulted in a significant package of home care. It depends on how much your Nan has in savings (the value of the house is not taken into consideration). If she has below the threshold (I think it is £23k, tho I also have £16k in my mind) she could get carers up to 4 times a day provided by Adult Care / Social Services to help with meals, showering, continence needs etc. This can help if her needs exceed what you are able to do. It is free, and no ‘charge’ is put on the house.

As others said: get lasting power of attorney for finance as well as welfare ASAP. She sounds smart and keen to have her choices: this gives you the power to act on her behalf rather than the LA making decisions, should she lose capacity.

It’s lovely that you moved in with your gran, but taking in care for a relative needs more than kindness and you need to be ready.

Look at the AgeUK website and here

www.independentage.org/information/support-care
And here
www.independentage.org/information/support-care/paying-for-care/do-i-have-to-sell-my-home-to-pay-for-residential-care

And get clued up.

It sounds like a lot of what he wants, and how if you only listen (and obey) him it will all be great. You clearly don't want this.

Sorry, X posted with your update.

If normally your Nan has carers x4 per day why are you not working?

She does work. She's said so several times. She works even though the cost of the carers is higher than her wages she works to keep her foot in the door.

You're a full time carer...what does he think is going to change...you're still going to be caring for your Nan even living at his parents...you'll just have the added stress of distance in the way.

Is he suggesting you get a full time job and stop caring for your Nan because if he is, then he's the one that needs to move back to his parents and I'd reevaluate your relationship. He knew this was the situation when you got together so nothing has changed other than he just doesn't want this set up any more.

I would consider you maybe getting a part time job if you can (I think you can earn so much as a carer) so that in the future, you have something to full back on - it's not always about the money as I appreciate the cost of carers is astronomical but what skills you'll have in the future when things do change.

To note, when my Nan was very poorly and I had to move back, my OH did not complain once. He was fully supportive and moved in with me. He made sure every day he made my Nan laugh and lift her spirits and never saw her as a nuisance. Some people just don't get the relationship between grand-children and grand-parents.

Why are people telling the OP to get a job when she states in the OP that she has a job...

(it’s not actually cost effective for me to work but I do just to keep my foot in the door)

Stay with your man, house in your name only. You’re doing a lovely thing here and your nan probably won’t be around much longer. You won’t want to regret abandoning her for her last few years.

I was just going to correct myself. Ignore the bit about work OP!

Put simply...stay with your Nan.

He just wants us to ‘chill’ which if you drop the ball for a couple of days the house ends up like a tip and I actually enjoy doing diy/being house proud/pottering around the garden - something I wouldn’t be able to do at his

....and this whole sentence completely sums up exactly why he wants to move into his parents..... because he is a lazy shite who doesn't want to have to do housework etc.

After the many threads on here from other posters about how their DH/DP don't do any housework or help with the DC, l would think long and hard about what sort of person he is now showing to be.

I strongly believe he'll end up like one of them who will sit on his arse whilst you do it all

Stick with your Nan.
Your dp doesn't sound like he has much empathy and I'd be concerned about his loyalty.
Your elderly Nan is kindly allowing him to live in her home and he wants you both to desert her as she doesn't fit into his plan?
I'd be waving him off to his parents.

Yep, as pp suggested, lazy. Doesn't want responsibility or to work.

Wave him off to his parents and enjoy what time you have left with your nan.

You and he simply aren't compatible. Your future plans don't match up.

He wants to buy a house, and have marriage and children, you've stated that's incompatible with caring for your nan.

In fairness to him, I would be reluctant to plan a future with someone who has ditched their career to become a full time unpaid carer, in the hopes that it'll pay off via inheritance at some point in the future - who knows when... your nan may live to age 103 or more.

And caring for me and giving up so much of their own lives is not something I would want, expect or encourage my children or grandchildren to do, either. I think that's quite selfish.

I hope it all works out for you.

"He doesn't want to marry you until you are no longer caring...or until you have inherited the house free and clear and have money?"

^This

He sounds very manipulative

Do stay with your nan;
she genuinely loves you and needs you; don't abandon her to be alone

He sounds really unpleasant tbh. What sort of a person pressurises someone to leave an elderly relative like this?