Why don't women just divorce?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Musing because I've nothing else to do.

Every day on mumsnet/other social media/my friends there's thousands of women talking about husbands who they clearly neither like nor love.

Why do women stay with husbands who add no value to their lives?

Thanks Thepeopleversuswork I get that in that situation, not much contribution and quite nasty. I suppose I'm thinking of a pp's comment about things being blah etc rather than horrible.

do you not miss 'the other pair of hands' at all?

The only thing his pair of hands did was drop more mess for me to clean up. Quite seriously, the moment he left, my domestic load plummeted - and I'd never washed his clothes, so it wasn't that. It was just the absence of considerable mess and dirt and rubbish all over surfaces and the floor. Every fucking day.

Do they have children though? If they do, how many? And what's the childcare set up?

Yes, they have kids. The norm in my social circle is:

1-2 kids
Nursery/before and after school clubs/holiday schemes
No family support day to day
Short commute
Full time or 4 days a week (including lots of men doing 4 days a week)

Money

Gosh, lots of responses.

Firstly, I'm sorry to those posters who have assumed this was a goady thread or who can't get out of their marriage, that wasn't my intention.

@recrudescence nailed the point of the thread so much better than I did. I meant - more women should consider divorcing their husbands earlier than they do.

I was hoping this thread might be positive stories from divorced women who weren't abused, their marriage had simply run its course, who have discovered it was no where near as bad as they feared, and that their children are fine. Thankfully, there have been plenty of those. I was hoping it might help someone to realise it's an option.

@Pissflapflip
Thankfully (honestly now) he had an affair which gave me cause to divorce. I would have just trudged miserably along otherwise. For the sake of the children of course. (Who are fine!)

With regards to the other pair of hands. Like @PicsInRed said, it's easier!! He made so much mess and laundry that not having to do his stuff has been easier. (Maybe you need to wait till they're old enough though - mine are 9&11).

a. being unwilling to 'split' the children
b. finances

it's not that hard to see why surely?

Because they want to see their children every weekend, every Xmas, every birthday and not to have to fight over those occasions with an angry vengeful ex?
Or even if the spit is amicable, inevitably you see less of your children than you did before. It's horrible, I hate it, it's been years and I still hate it.

Short commute. Full time or 4 days a week (including lots of men doing 4 days a week)

Ah, okay that makes sense.

peopleversuswork I see, in your situation, being the breadwinner already made it an easier decision in a way?

As I thought, the OP didn't give a fuck.

A lot of women give up their independence when they marry, quit work when they have kids and then find themselves in a weak position when their husband turns out to be a twat.

If I could encourage daughters to do something it would be to retain independence always, dont become weak for a man.

Inertia
Worries about money
Worries about finding a new home or having to leave your social networks
Commitment
Worries about children
Stubbornness
Still loving the guy deep-down

For me, I don't want to divorce Dh - ever- but I have made sure that if I need to, I can:

• I have substantial savings in my own name, under my own control
• our pre-nup states that I get to keep possession of our family home if I buy him out of his half
• our pre-nup is clear about what we both brought into the relationship, supported by valuations
• I have a trusted solicitor
• My job allows for enough money and flexibility to support myself and our kids separately

It's loyalty and love that keeps me there.

Ahundredpercentthatbitch in a way, yes. Although inevitably I will end up having to give him some of the family money (all of which was earned by me) so I will lose out financially from the divorce.

But I would have hated to have had to stop work to support someone else's career tbh. Even if the marriage had otherwise been really strong I think I would have struggled with that.

arethereanyleftatall

I don't think its a goady thread, I think its a really interesting question.

To be honest I'm a big believer that divorce, while traumatic and difficult, can be a really positive thing for women. I am so much happier and more fulfilled, in almost every way, separated, than I was when I was married and I have no regrets at all.

It's not as easy for everyone and I don't want to minimise the fact that there is potentially negative fallout for children and financial hardship for women.

But I think we've been trained to think of it as the worst possible fate that can befall us: partly for pragmatic reasons but partly due to a social stigma which no longer serves us.

I think its really good that we're able to see that there is good and positive lift after divorce and to encourage women if they go through it to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have to say I think it's better for children if parents divorce whilst they are young and not older. People often make the mistake of thinking it won't hurt teenagers/young adults but it really does.
I'm also surprised by how much a lot of women will tolerate so long as there are financial benefits.
Not wanting to give up their big house, fancy holidays, by car etc.
I know divorce hits you financially but I'd rather live in a small house, drive an old banger and make do.
I think the pressure to "settle down and have kids" clouds womens judgement a lot.
Life would be better for women if they didn't rush into having children.

emilybrontescorsett

Absolutely. So, so much damage is done to women by this "settle down and have kids" perspective. Its hard to overstate it.

We need to find a way to teach girls about this. Not sure quite how. So much deprogramming is needed its daunting.

Think about all the damage done by women being told to get knocked up "before their ovaries shrivel up". And the hideous culture of weddings - so so damaging and pernicious.

But I would have hated to have had to stop work to support someone else's career tbh. Even if the marriage had otherwise been really strong I think I would have struggled with that

That's the thing, peopleversuswork, I do struggle with it. But rationally I can also see that it's what's best for our family. And I am better off (as long as the marriage lasts) as a result.

I retrained and have a different career now but I'm on about half the salary I was. I'll need earn like that again. It's a headfuck and I wonder all the time if I've done the right thing. Threads like this really make me question.

But then again: what else is marriage if not the ultimate throwing all your eggs in someone else's basket? Maybe it shouldn't be? Or maybe people shouldn't get married at all??

I'll need earn like that again = I'll never* earn like that again.

Ahundredpercentthatbitch

This is the $64,000 question. I think in the best case scenario, with a strong marriage and a happy family, the process of throwing all the eggs in the basket is the best case scenario for the family. As I said earlier, I think if my marriage had been stronger I would have been able to make peace with this compromise.

I guess my problem with it is that there's a structural assumption that this is the natural thing to happen, based on the fact that the man is generally the higher earner. Women, for entirely understandable reasons, often go along with this because it seems to be the best thing for the family in the short term but without thinking of the long term needs of themselves and their children. This leaves them in a much weaker position if and when the marriage fails, which it often does.

My approach to marriage is that it is essentially financial insurance for the financially weaker partner and its tactically important for that partner (usually the woman): ie it protects women who take time off to raise children.

But in terms of the impact it has on women's earning potential, societal position and indepenence I think its an overall negative. I think its only worth doing if a woman is fairly clear that she wants to focus on child-rearing and not work. If my daughter wanted any kind of career at all I would strongly discourage her from getting married.

But hindsight and personal experience have obviously coloured my views and I may feel very differently had I had a good marriage!

@thepeopleversuswork you'd discourage your daughter from getting married and or having children?

thepeopleversuswork
Any daughter would be in a better position to be married if she has children wether she continues in paid employment or not. Having children without marriage is the least financially secure option of all. You have to consider that nobody can see into the future and if your daughter has to give up
Work due to ill health of herself or her children Then at least marriage will offer her some financial protection if the relationship ends.

MrsRudderless no, like I said I think marriage is good insurance for when you have children with someone else so I wouldn't discourage that.

In all honesty though and I realise this may not be a widely-held view I think women do better in almost every respect without a man in their lives. I think its better to do everything: work and childrearing, solo. But again my views may have been coloured and clearly most people won't want to live like that!

I think there are marriages where one person leaving would be better for them but them not leaving would be better for the other person. And who can be sure about the DC. It's very hard to make a confident decision when it feels so selfish.

Any yeah, money, property and social judgement.

Lots of reasons. I was married for 18 years to a lazy twat who often upset me but my life in general was better then.
I had a fantastic home, job, social life but it all revolved around the marriage.
I'm glad to be rid of him but my social life has gone down the river, I've nobody to go to the pub with and talk to, I had to sell my lovely house in the country and move miles away to a new job and town and I have a courtyard garden now instead of my previous 200 foot paradise.
I only lost all of it because of the divorce pay off to him even though he contributed fuck all during our marriage.
My advice to people is if you have property and your own money don't get married then at least when they decide to bugger off they can't take anything with them.
I feel pissed off because I've lost my early retirement money and now have to work full time to 67.
I don't know why anyone gets married. I only hung on this long because I was afraid this would happen and things would get better. They don't. A selfish twat will always be a selfish twat.