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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids going for sleepover at grans

130 replies

Bingeslayer · 29/04/2020 12:52

Right,first off I'd like to say that we have been following the guidelines to the letter since this all began.None of us have shown any symptoms and have had no reports in the locality of anyone having had it either.

I'm a single mum with 2 dds aged 14 and 7,dd14 has asd and dd7 has seperation anxiety,both have spd dd7 is especially full on,I have pdd and social anxiety,have been coping pretty well the last 5 weeks but am really really struggling this week.Havent mentioned this to my mum as haven't wanted to worry her as with lockdown not much can be done,but I think she can tell from talking to each other,facetiming etc.

She rang earlier and offered to have the children overnight,obviously i said no not worth the risk,but she pointed out how low the risk would be,she lives alone,only leaves for essentials and has also been symptom free.I reiterated no because I wouldn't want to put her at risk but I could really do with the mental break.weighing the pros and cons I think it would be safe enough,my only worry now is I don't think my siblings would agree and it would cause uproar in the family.
Don't know why I'm posting to be honest as if posters agreed it would be o.k I'd still have the sibling issues and not sure i could convince them I'm not being selfish,which I am a bit I know but the children are suffering too especially dd7 as I havent had energy to play for days so she stuck on devices and screens and I know my mum would do activities with her.

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/04/2020 13:13

No I wouldn’t as she’s been out shopping. If you had both isolated fully and not left home it would still be against the rules but the risk far less.

I’d have moved her in or you to her on the lockdown instructions so neither were alone and then it was one household as such.

Tobebythesea · 29/04/2020 13:22

Even going out shopping for essentials is still going out and a risk. Sorry but I would say it’s a no.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/04/2020 13:24

Could your mum move in with you?

heartsonacake · 29/04/2020 13:24

No, you absolutely can’t do this.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 29/04/2020 13:27

OP I'm. Sure I'll get lynched for this but go for it. The risk is minimal and for your own sanity and wellbeing I would. To be honest, if my mum offered at the moment I would absolutely take her up on it!

Chockablok · 29/04/2020 13:28

My kids have still being going to their dad's who is still working out of the house and not in a job where social distancing is possible. I don't see how the risk of what you are suggesting is any different really.

And I absolutely would not have coped if they hadn't been.

People need to cut single parents a bit of slack. Being in a house 24/7 as the only responsible adult is beyond difficult.

I wouldn't judge you for it.

Temple29 · 29/04/2020 13:30

I wouldn’t either. My SIL did this recently because she wanted a break from her two children and nobody was impressed (her mum is vulnerable). In her case she had been to the shops and had one of the kid’s dads in and out of her house and he’s still working.

I just think you wouldn’t forgive yourself if your mum or DC got ill. Or yourself when your DC need you.

If you really feel you can’t cope I would suggest both your house and your mum totally isolate for a couple of weeks and then have your mum move to yours until lockdown is over?

Bluetonic41 · 29/04/2020 13:30

Do your siblings need to find out?

GrimmsFairytales · 29/04/2020 13:30

I don't see how this is much different from children traveling to visit other parents. You're not coping and the children aren't coping. The benefit to you all is in my opinion worth the small risk.

Although I suspect mine won't be a popular opinion.

Womencanlift · 29/04/2020 13:31

What about a compromise? All of you stay completely isolated in your respective homes for 14 days and then you know you are “clear” and then go from there.

Yes it is technically against the rules (before the pile on starts) but it sounds like from a MH perspective you and your DC need it. At least if you protect yourself first by self isolating then I think it would be ok.

Bigbrowproblems · 29/04/2020 13:34

I've been wondering how this would work too? As didn't the guidelines state that you could move to a friend's house for a "cooling off" period of a few days (not hours) following an argument?

So does that include sending children or just adults?

Not trying to be goady I've been genuinely curious?

3 children here with SEN and a husband too and it's been a real challenge. I know I'm not a single parent (massive kudos to those of you who are. Superheros if you ask me!) but I am exhausted playing mediator between H and DC.

And if you are genuinely allowed to move out to a friend's place for a few days to cool off, then why not children and to grandparents? Surely prevention is better than cure?

It's bloody hard work for anyone. Let alone with additional needs and such!

Total rule follower here so just musing really.

But no. I wouldn't judge either!

stardance · 29/04/2020 13:34

I suppose if children are allowed to move between their parents houses when their parents live apart.... is this any different? It wouldn't be within the guidelines but how is this more of a risk? Unless of course she's elderly or any of you are high risk.

RandomMess · 29/04/2020 13:34

I agree that she is the same as a co-parent. Your mental health is very important and the risk is minimal.

Considering some separated parents are both key works (some frontline working with ill people) and their DC pass between homes) in comparison this is nothing.

You could also consider combining households which is also allowed.

Windyatthebeach · 29/04/2020 13:34

If dgm was their df they would be allowed to move between 2 houses.
I would do it op..

Backtobedlam · 29/04/2020 13:35

It would be low risk as you’ve all been following guidelines. I don’t think enough consideration is being given to mental health at the moment. Kids are allowed to go between their parents, so how is this any different?

Bigbrowproblems · 29/04/2020 13:35

Also.. As stated above. Is it actually any different from those children who are travelling back and forth between parents? Risk wise I mean more than morally? Maybe even less risk if GP aren't working any more?

midwestsummer · 29/04/2020 13:39

I suspect if I was your sibling I would be unimpressed about you putting our DM at risk by not following the guidelines.
Would it be possible to isolate and then combine households?

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 29/04/2020 13:41

Sometimes you have to weigh up the risk versus your mental health. I agree with HeyDuggee.

Original poster

Bingeslayer · 29/04/2020 13:47

@Bluetonic41 this is what my mum said too but the anxiety from hiding it and them potentially finding out would cause more anxiety and probably tip my MH even further.

OP posts:

CoronaMoaner · 29/04/2020 13:48

I wouldn’t.
If one of my siblings visited my remaining parent and they subsequently got Covid and died I don’t think I’d ever forgive them.

Fromthebirdsnest · 29/04/2020 13:50

can you move your mum in ? my MIL is currently isolating to do this x we have an annex though x

Staysexyanddontgetmurdered · 29/04/2020 13:50

I am in a similar situation to you being alone with 2 children. My mum offered the same earlier this week as I was really struggling. What is it about this week?! I feel like everyone has suddenly hit a wall. I said no to my mum but I was so tempted. I think sleep on it for a few days and keep it in your head that you do have a safety net if you get really REALLY desperate . In a weird way, knowing I can always ring my mum if it all goes to shit is enough to get me through. It's fucking hard though, sending hugs.

Chockablok · 29/04/2020 13:55

@CoronaMoaner

How awful.

You wouldn't even know if that's how she caught it. It could have been Dave in Tesco. Nor can you blame your siblings for the virus. The virus is the virus.

Can you imagine everyone gets to the stage where we are blaming others for infecting them?

There are countless people in my family still having to work non-essential jobs with social distancing almost impossible. Are you suggesting they should feel personal guilt for passing the virus to a colleague?

Would you feel guilt if the sibling took their own life due to not being able to cope any more?

Original poster

Bingeslayer · 29/04/2020 13:57

Yes she is like a co-parent as she's the only one who has them on a regular basis and dd7 is happy to go with.Really don't think I could do another 2 weeks of total isolation as did this at the very beginning of lockdown in case dds brought anything home from school their last week.
One of my issues is constantly arguing with myself,1 part is saying,plead with siblings to try and get them to agree and understand and 2 is saying don't bother and carry on as is as safest option.
My biggest worry is I've been suicidal before and at one of the worst points thought my only option was to take dds with me (especially dd7) so don't want to slip that far again.
Then what if siblings do agree and my mum gets I'll,how will I live with it,I'm in a catch 22 arent I.
I'm sorry,I should be counting my blessings right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bingeslayer · 29/04/2020 13:59

@CoronaMoaner that's what I'm afraid of.

OP posts:

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