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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids going for sleepover at grans

130 replies

Bingeslayer · 29/04/2020 12:52

Right,first off I'd like to say that we have been following the guidelines to the letter since this all began.None of us have shown any symptoms and have had no reports in the locality of anyone having had it either.

I'm a single mum with 2 dds aged 14 and 7,dd14 has asd and dd7 has seperation anxiety,both have spd dd7 is especially full on,I have pdd and social anxiety,have been coping pretty well the last 5 weeks but am really really struggling this week.Havent mentioned this to my mum as haven't wanted to worry her as with lockdown not much can be done,but I think she can tell from talking to each other,facetiming etc.

She rang earlier and offered to have the children overnight,obviously i said no not worth the risk,but she pointed out how low the risk would be,she lives alone,only leaves for essentials and has also been symptom free.I reiterated no because I wouldn't want to put her at risk but I could really do with the mental break.weighing the pros and cons I think it would be safe enough,my only worry now is I don't think my siblings would agree and it would cause uproar in the family.
Don't know why I'm posting to be honest as if posters agreed it would be o.k I'd still have the sibling issues and not sure i could convince them I'm not being selfish,which I am a bit I know but the children are suffering too especially dd7 as I havent had energy to play for days so she stuck on devices and screens and I know my mum would do activities with her.

OP posts:

Willow2017 · 29/04/2020 14:01

Its really no different from visiting with another parent though is it?

If your mum is happy to help then you do whatever it takes to get yourself nd the kids through this. And as pp said you are allowed to go elsewhere if you have had fall out with your partner so why is this any different?
Mental health is just as important as physical and it must be very hard coping on your own at the moment. If you and the kids would all benefit from a short break at their DGMs then go for it. None of you are vulnerable and if everyone is taking the usual precautions and your mum is happy to do so its her choice. As an adult she can make her own risk ssessment and decision.

Winegumlover · 29/04/2020 14:04

Do it, I would

ludothedog · 29/04/2020 14:08

Do what's right for you and your family. If that's the kids going to your mums so you can take a break, that's fine by me. You and your mental health are important too.

We are going to have to find ways to live with this virus until a cure has been found and minimise risks. It sounds like you have been doing all the right things.

And to be honest, anyone who judges you can fuck off.

hesgotit · 29/04/2020 14:09

No it's not ok, you know that!

So if it's ok for you to do it, can I do it also? All the people on MN can they all do it and then they tell all their friends family it's "fine"?

As for the previous PP saying you wouldn't know if you'd passed it on to your mum and she subsequently passed away, you wouldn't know you didn't either.

The more people breaking the rules "because it's only me", the longer this carries on for the majority.

CoronaMoaner · 29/04/2020 14:10

@Chockablok that’s how I feel.
I haven’t seen them for 2 months now. It’s horrible.
If one of my siblings visited and then they got it and died, the thought would always be there. Always. Not just for me either. It’s not worth it.

midwestsummer · 29/04/2020 14:10

Your mum is an adult and able to make her own decisions, as are you.
The part you don't get to control is your siblings decisions.
So you need to work out what is best for you.
Your siblings then get to choose their reactions to that.
You can decide how important those are to you compared to your support needs.

Lifeisabeach09 · 29/04/2020 14:10

Unless your DM is high risk then do it.

The lockdown won't be on for much longer and then we will have to return to a new normal. Your new normal will have to involve your DM, who is part of your family unit, just at a different address.

CoronaMoaner · 29/04/2020 14:12

Would you feel guilt if the sibling took their own life due to not being able to cope any more?

Of no relevance whatsoever to the OP or my post.

hesgotit · 29/04/2020 14:13

@ludothedog and anyone bending the rules and spreading the virus can also fuck off!

GrimmsFairytales · 29/04/2020 14:14

Of no relevance whatsoever to the OP or my post.

Given the OP has admitted she has considered suicide in the past, I'd say it's highly relevant.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/04/2020 14:16

Do what's right for you and your family

We are supposed to be doing what’s best for society, if everyone took the attitude that it was ok to go against the rules we would be in an even worse situation.

Lifeisabeach09 · 29/04/2020 14:16

So if it's ok for you to do it, can I do it also? All the people on MN can they all do it and then they tell all their friends family it's "fine"?

Will this lockdown go on forever? No, it won't. We will very soon have to make a choice whether to see our families or not. This virus is going nowhere. Only individual families can decide if the benefits of seeing each other outweigh the costs and this is highly dependent on health, economic and social costs of the individuals involved.

CoronaMoaner · 29/04/2020 14:20

@GrimmsFairytales where? I’ve read the OP again and can’t see this anywhere?

midwestsummer · 29/04/2020 14:20

OP has stated that she has contemplated suicide and if I read her post correctly killing her younger dc as well?
This would suggest a potentially high need for support.
This needs to balanced with the impact that a major sibling falling out would have on OP.
The concern about family reaction should DGM get ill should also be thought about, although perhaps given less weight.
If there are no safer ways for OP to prop up her mental health then visiting GM may be the least worst option.

opticaldelusion · 29/04/2020 14:21

I'd do it but you'll get shot on here.

midwestsummer · 29/04/2020 14:22

My biggest worry is I've been suicidal before and at one of the worst points thought my only option was to take dds with me (especially dd7) so don't want to slip that far again.

OP's update post.

CoronaMoaner · 29/04/2020 14:22

Just seen it in an update which was after my post

After8itsgrownuptime · 29/04/2020 14:23

I wouldn’t think twice about it. Your mental health and well-being are being badly effected and you are potentially open to harmful thoughts - you need a break and so do the kids. Send them to your mums.

GrimmsFairytales · 29/04/2020 14:23

where? I’ve read the OP again and can’t see this anywhere?

OP can also mean original poster, the OP has mentioned it in her other posts, the one directly above where she has @ you.

GetUpAgain · 29/04/2020 14:24

How old is your mum? Is she healthy?

After8itsgrownuptime · 29/04/2020 14:24

Just to add , that those of us who are coping and can, should 100% stay isolating but you sound like you need a break so please take it ASAP!

TheTrollFairy · 29/04/2020 14:25

I would do it and have done it. Slightly different as we have all been isolating since before lockdown.
It’s not even just about the MH of the parent, the MH of kids is also important and I think kids are struggling with staying with just 1 person.

As others have mentioned, kids are allowed (by the guidelines) to go to parents houses. One of my family members has kids with 3 different dads (the kids are all adults now so not applicable now but for context). If they were all of age, that would be 4 households combining as each kid would be allowed off to their dads. Some of my cousins then also have step siblings through dads remarriage which then adds another house combining but all still following lockdown rules. So going by this example of 1 ‘household’ you are still at a risk by following guidelines and there are multiple families around who have a similar set up.

Chockablok · 29/04/2020 14:28

@CoronaMoaner

I posted that because it is relevant.

I don't think many people are contemplating packing the kids off to grandma's so they can go and get their nails done.

If a poster is seriously struggling with their mental health (as was clear from the ops original post) then yes sometimes personal health needs do need to take priority over the health of wider society.

People are allowed to prioritise their own heath needs if they are high risk from Corona (given the means to shield etc), people also need to be allowed to prioritise their own health needs if they are high risk from mental health issues.

As I said in my original post if my kids weren't able to regularly visit their father and I'd had them 24/7 for almost 2 months... I can't even imagine how much my MH would have spiralled.

opticaldelusion · 29/04/2020 14:28

There are lots of people for whom rule following is more important than the bigger picture.

People think it's completely unacceptable for a single person (furloughed, doesn't go out other than a quick walk each day) to spend time with their boyfriend who lives around the corner and also sees no one.

The same people think it's perfectly acceptable for two sets of children to move between three households, two with adults who are frontline ICU nurses.

It's obvious that the first scenario carries far less risk than the second but the first is against the rules and the second isn't.

I'm not arguing that the rules are wrong from a societal perspective. The government has to draw the line somewhere and can't possibly create a tailored set of rules for every individual.

But don't kid yourself that your ultimate aim is preventing the spread of the virus if you're happy to have the second scenario but not the first.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 29/04/2020 14:33

I'm a single parent and if my ds wasn't able to visit his father every other weekend I think I wouldn't have coped so far on this lockdown. If you had a DH at home or a coparent I'd say absolutely not but in your situation I think it's a valid risk to take as long as there is nobody in the shielding group.
Mental health issues are going to be rife and especially for people in your situation, there is no point protecting from covid only to be hospitalized from exhaustion or heaven forbid a suicide attempt.
It's no different to my ds going to his dads so I'd say do it. I'd actually see if she could have them for a few nights to give you a proper break.

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