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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids going for sleepover at grans

130 replies

Bingeslayer · 29/04/2020 12:52

Right,first off I'd like to say that we have been following the guidelines to the letter since this all began.None of us have shown any symptoms and have had no reports in the locality of anyone having had it either.

I'm a single mum with 2 dds aged 14 and 7,dd14 has asd and dd7 has seperation anxiety,both have spd dd7 is especially full on,I have pdd and social anxiety,have been coping pretty well the last 5 weeks but am really really struggling this week.Havent mentioned this to my mum as haven't wanted to worry her as with lockdown not much can be done,but I think she can tell from talking to each other,facetiming etc.

She rang earlier and offered to have the children overnight,obviously i said no not worth the risk,but she pointed out how low the risk would be,she lives alone,only leaves for essentials and has also been symptom free.I reiterated no because I wouldn't want to put her at risk but I could really do with the mental break.weighing the pros and cons I think it would be safe enough,my only worry now is I don't think my siblings would agree and it would cause uproar in the family.
Don't know why I'm posting to be honest as if posters agreed it would be o.k I'd still have the sibling issues and not sure i could convince them I'm not being selfish,which I am a bit I know but the children are suffering too especially dd7 as I havent had energy to play for days so she stuck on devices and screens and I know my mum would do activities with her.

OP posts:
bigmamama · 29/04/2020 17:30

Are your siblings saying no, because they'd be jealous? If you need the mental break and your mum wants to have them then I would. Also probably get lynched but I'm a mum of 2 boys 4yo and 9month old and my mum is alone and iv let her have my kids coz I thought I was going to have a breakdown, Had to get a weeks worth of sleeping tablets and upped my anti depressant dose. Do what's best for you not others

nothingcomestonothing · 29/04/2020 17:37

OP you need to do this to protect yourself and your children. Any one who reads a thread where the OP states they are struggling and have previously considered ending their own and their DCs lives and says 'but no cos roolz' must be very hard of thinking. In your case you are protecting all of you from a greater risk than covid, and in any case are still within the rules as you need to meet an urgent health need.

I'm a single parent and have 2 DC with additional needs. I'm NHS so I'm still going into work and the DC are at key worker school; if that were not the case, I could easily have reached the end of my ability to cope by now and called on my Dparents to help, both of whom have underlying health conditions and one is over 70. As adults with the ability to assess risk, the decision lies with me and my Dparents, not my siblings, not unless they're offering you respite instead of your DM (which I bet they're not!). Your sibs are not the boss of you or your mum, unless they make you a better offer they dont get to veto.

MuddlingMackem · 29/04/2020 17:39

Your title is very misleading, as you would be unreasonable just to send your kids for a sleepover.

However, what you are actually asking is Are YBU to take your mum up on her offer to take care of your children for a short while whist you are not well so you have an opportunity to rest and recuperate, and the answer to that is YADNBU.

I understand your sister's opposition to this, but you have to ask her what is she prepared to do if you become so ill you not only cannot look after your children, but also need someone to look after you! Is she going to step in and offer support? Your mum is looking at preventing you becoming so ill, she's being a good mum, and if you can assure your sister that you mum would do the same for sis if she needed it, she may come round.

Mammatino · 29/04/2020 18:34

It’s yours and your mums decision. If you choose not to do this could you phone the GP and explain you are struggling and have had problems in the past. You might be able to get something to help you. Also what can help for me is a bit of a daily to do list, meal planners, cleaning jobs, kids activities, it might sound a bit trite but even doing YouTube exercise together or some relaxations. I hope everything works out for you, good luck.

Mittens030869 · 29/04/2020 18:47

It's not something I would do, but it's different for me, as it m not on my own with my DDs. Plus, my DM is 80 so I could never take the risk of her catching COVID-19, especially as I still have symptoms myself at the moment.

So basically, I can't answer this for question for you. You've said yourself that it's taking a risk, but it's a risk that your DM is willing to take. And if she isn't elderly or vulnerable then it's a decision for you and your DM to take. You know the facts so it's your call ultimately.

B0bbin · 29/04/2020 19:03

Your mental health is so important. Weighing up the potential risks it sounds like you've got to let your mum help

Di11y · 29/04/2020 19:14

thing is, your mental health is important. with their diagnosis could you approach school about taking them?

Darbs76 · 29/04/2020 19:26

I think a better solution would be your mum moving in with you. Do you have room? Could you make room by bringing your children in with you?

Perhaps the siblings don’t understand the severity of OP’s mental illness / history. I agree they don’t necessary have a say but it’s their mother too and as this is against government advise and they’ve been asked by OP for their opinion they are within their rights to say they don’t agree.

Mittens030869 · 29/04/2020 19:41

I think Darbs76's suggestion is a good one, it will mean that you're not having to cope alone right now. Your mental health is important, both for you yourself and your DDs. Thanks

Worriedmum54321 · 29/04/2020 20:24

Why are people suggesting the OPS mum moves in with her? That won't make any difference to infection risk.

Those saying not to do it in case OPS mum catches the virus and dies are missing the point of lockdown. It is not supposed to stop all transmission, it's just meant to reduce it. What about if OPS mum walked round to ops house and got run over on the way? Should op feel guilty for that as well?
Secondly this virus is going to be around for at least a year, and in 1-2 week's time we are going to be told that we can meet up with close family again. The risk from the virus is not avoidable unless OPS mum was to stay isolated for the next year.
On that basis there's no reason not to let the children visit their grandmother in these desperate circumstances. I don't see that it's any business of the siblings either. Obviously it would be better to wait a week if you can but if you are desperate, just do it and don't feel guilty

JMKid · 29/04/2020 21:00

I would sent them. Whats the difference between them going to your mums vs them being allowed to stay with the parent for a weekend!!

stoptherideiwanttogetoff · 29/04/2020 21:07

Having two children myself with SEN both full on from early morning to late night I see your point.. you sound like you need a break to be fair and the risk is there but minimal. I'd say for your own sanity do it, your risk of course.. I'm alone it's hard and I totally get how you are feeling x

maa1992 · 29/04/2020 21:12

It's simple really, stay home. Stay in your own house.

FilthyforFirth · 29/04/2020 21:15

Yes I would do this. Send your kids. Your mental health is just as important.

Hoggleludo · 29/04/2020 21:16

I've been saying this all alone.

Regardless of the law. Regardless of everything else

People would die alone. Our hospital doesn't even allow kids in even at end of life care. The funerals are only allowing 5 people there.

Why would you risk that?

However. You've got to be smart. Think of your mental health. Please keep safe. You can do this you've done it so far!!!!!

I've been in total lockdown since the beginning of March. It's tough. I've not even been out for food. We have a neighbour who gets mine. I've you t children and it's tough

But think how amazing you're doing. You are strong. You are powerful you've got this.

Chockablok · 29/04/2020 21:59

@Hoggleludo please don't start posting your hysterical people are dying!!!! nonsense on this thread.

The op quite clearly has more serious issues right now than a virus with a

nanbread · 29/04/2020 22:01

I don't think you've mentioned your mum's age, health, risk factors etc?

That would be the decider for me. If she's 65 and in good health, not overweight etc then the risk is much lower than an obese 75 year old with diabetes.

OP it sounds like your health is at risk if you DON'T do it, and her health may be at risk if you DO do it.... Honestly it sounds like your risk is greater so the risk / benefit says go.

nanbread · 29/04/2020 22:01

There is also emerging evidence that children aren't that good at passing the virus on, let's hope that's true.

SuperMumTum · 29/04/2020 22:13

Presumably your mother has the mental capacity to make her own decisions. Therefore the opinions of your siblings are just opinions and the joint decisions you and your mother make are your business only. Yes, it is against the rules but my kids go to their dad 2 nights a week and I am very grateful that we can still do this. I don't see why you can't do the same if you've weighed up the risks and benefits appropriately. In the grand scheme of things its probably low risk of harm and will potentially bring a high level of benefit to you and your kids (and probably your mum too).

Gil55 · 29/04/2020 22:32

Of course they can go!! You need a break and the kids need to see their gran. All the panic merchants on this thread need to get a bloody grip!!!!

heartsonacake · 29/04/2020 22:37

Of course they can go!! You need a break and the kids need to see their gran. All the panic merchants on this thread need to get a bloody grip!!!!

Gil55 So many things wrong with this.

  1. No, they can’t go. We’re in lockdown; do you even understand what that means? Advocating this sort of thing is putting others at unnecessary risk.
  1. The kids don’t need to see their gran. They may want to, but they don’t need to, nor do they have a right to.
  1. It’s people like you who are so casually putting the rest of us at risk that means the virus will continue to spread and kill.
Willow2017 · 29/04/2020 22:48

It's simple really, stay home. Stay in your own house.
It really isnt that simple.

The guidelines say you can go to other peoples houses for all the reasons stated above plus for supporting vulnerable people. Op and her kids are vulnerable in that their mental health is suffering and may have serious consequences.
One size does not fit all at any time never mind now.
Ops mum is an adult and can make her own decisions based on her own health and circumstances. Its not like they are going to be visiting anyone else during thier sleepover.

Mental health is just as important as physical health.

Thegreymethod · 29/04/2020 22:51

I'm sorry I wouldn't even think about it I think I think it's a really selfish to think the rules don't apply to you. If everyone was bending the rules to suit themselves it'll never end. Trust me I wish it was allowed I'm exhausted trying to run a
House homeschool (not very well admittedly) 4 children who are missing their dad because he's having to work extra days and hours he's hasn't had a day off for 15 days. Key workers and their families are being put at risk every day the least everyone else can do is stay at home!!!

Willow2017 · 29/04/2020 22:56

No, they can’t go. We’re in lockdown; do you even understand what that means? Advocating this sort of thing is putting others at unnecessary risk.

Op has said Yes she is like a co-parent as she's the only one who has them on a regular basis.

If it was their dad then they could go back and forwards as they pleased so whats the difference?

It’s people like you who are so casually putting the rest of us at risk that means the virus will continue to spread and kill.
Did you miss this part?
My biggest worry is I've been suicidal before and at one of the worst points thought my only option was to take dds with me (especially dd7) so don't want to slip that far again.
Ops mental health is just as important to her and her family surviving this time as anything else, there is nothing casual about her posts. What a horrible thing to say to her. 2 kids sleeping at their grans and not seeing anyone else will not infect the whole town!

Original poster
Bingeslayer · 29/04/2020 22:56

Hi to update,my mum is 65 and a heavy smoker so there are concerns about her outcomes should she catch the virus which I totally understand.
I have 3 siblings,2 childless and 1 with a 15 year old ds so I think they just really don't understand how hard it is.
My one sibling tried to ring me once she got home from work but I couldn't speak to her as got too upset and my dds were present so dd7 started crying too.
My sibling must have spoken to my mum as my mum came on the group chat and told siblings if they weren't willing for her to have her grandchildren then they would have to as I'm not coping.
One sibling replied to say they will get something sorted.
I feel like such a burden to the whole family and an absolutely useless mum Sad

OP posts: