Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids going for sleepover at grans

130 replies

Bingeslayer · 29/04/2020 12:52

Right,first off I'd like to say that we have been following the guidelines to the letter since this all began.None of us have shown any symptoms and have had no reports in the locality of anyone having had it either.

I'm a single mum with 2 dds aged 14 and 7,dd14 has asd and dd7 has seperation anxiety,both have spd dd7 is especially full on,I have pdd and social anxiety,have been coping pretty well the last 5 weeks but am really really struggling this week.Havent mentioned this to my mum as haven't wanted to worry her as with lockdown not much can be done,but I think she can tell from talking to each other,facetiming etc.

She rang earlier and offered to have the children overnight,obviously i said no not worth the risk,but she pointed out how low the risk would be,she lives alone,only leaves for essentials and has also been symptom free.I reiterated no because I wouldn't want to put her at risk but I could really do with the mental break.weighing the pros and cons I think it would be safe enough,my only worry now is I don't think my siblings would agree and it would cause uproar in the family.
Don't know why I'm posting to be honest as if posters agreed it would be o.k I'd still have the sibling issues and not sure i could convince them I'm not being selfish,which I am a bit I know but the children are suffering too especially dd7 as I havent had energy to play for days so she stuck on devices and screens and I know my mum would do activities with her.

OP posts:
GameSetMatch · 29/04/2020 14:33

Some times your mental health has to come first, if you broke your leg, you would leave the children with your mum so you could get it fixed at the hospital, this is the same, leaving the children so you can get ‘fixed’. Do it to save yourself from something worse.

Embracelife · 29/04/2020 14:38

Just do it.
Can you discuss this with your gp or MH nurse?
If they agree with you it is best you will feel better about it.
As pp said it s no different to dc going to visit another parent
Your dm is de facto the other parent

compulsiveliar2019 · 29/04/2020 14:39

Some times your mental health has to come first, if you broke your leg, you would leave the children with your mum so you could get it fixed at the hospital, this is the same, leaving the children so you can get ‘fixed’. Do it to save yourself from something worse.
This!
One of the 4 reasons to leave your home is a health need. I would say from what the OP has said this is a health need. Therefore it is allowed!

lizzielizard · 29/04/2020 14:40

Go for it - but see if she can have them for a few nights to give you all the break you need. Yours (and the children's) MH is massively important and relevant to everyone's wellbeing. I expect your mother will love the company too. As others have said, it's no different to children going to another parent's.

TheOneAndOnlyPedroPony · 29/04/2020 14:41

So many people on this thread with absolutely no ability to critically analyse a situation.

OP, I would. Or, could your mum have them a few hours instead? Less chance of others finding out and it would give you a few hours to go home and have a break. A nap, a bath, etc.

TryingToBeBold · 29/04/2020 14:43

It's so annoying that people are accusing others of thinking "the rules dont apply to them"
That is not the situation at all.
If you're co parenting with someone then children are allowed to go back and forth.
I would let them go.

BreatheAndFocus · 29/04/2020 14:49

But would a short break actually help your MH or would you spend the time worrying about your children/mother/siblings and that you’d made the wrong decision?

Personally, I think you should prioritise speaking to your GP or other MH support if you have it.

There might be other options that you haven’t considered eg some kind of respite or school care for your DC to give you a break and/or some form of support for you. That way you’d get a break without the worry about endangering your DM.

ifonly4 · 29/04/2020 14:49

OP, I know it's so hard, but would just point out I know of two people who've only been out for essentials, one lost his fight with this awful disease, the other has been discharged from hospital but is really struggling and her DH is worried about her.

Don't forget the Samaritans are there for you (and other chartities), you don't need to be suicidal, they're there for support with lots of different issues. I don't suppose you work for a large company - many have Employer Assistance/Counselling Departments.

Lipz · 29/04/2020 14:53

How old is your mother and is she healthy?

This will determine if it's the same as moving children between seperated people's houses.

Most seperated people will be healthy, under 70, people won't move children to another home if the other person is vulnerable, well I hope they wouldn't anyway.

MindyStClaire · 29/04/2020 14:53

This is surely allowed under the rules - care of vulnerable people. Both the children and OP herself. If your mum is willing and doesn't have any health conditions, go for it.

gnushoes · 29/04/2020 14:55

One of the rules is that you can help vulnerable people. You are a vulnerable person, by the sound of it.
I've had to help my elderly parent in the last week when my other parent was taken into hospital. There was no choice but to go into the house, etc. On balance of risk, better I did it than a carer. You just have to be as careful and thoughtful as you can be.

GabsAlot · 29/04/2020 15:00

its up to you really but having no symptoms means fuck all-you can be asymptomatic and have it and pass it on

imactually getting a bit annoyed with people saying i havent got symtoms heard someone in the queue shopping saying it like it means anything

AnneOfTeenFables · 29/04/2020 15:00

I don't think you should do this and as a PP said I would be very unhappy if any of my siblings did this.

Longjo · 29/04/2020 15:27

Given the mental health reasons and the fact that children travel freely between other households then yes I think you should. All these people posting 'you have to stick to rules' probably have no idea what it is like to be a single parent in lockdown. You need a break and if your mother is low risk then I think as a one off for your benefit you should do it. I would also class this under vulnerable people and therefore within the rules.

Ponoka7 · 29/04/2020 15:36

I don't see the difference between this and a NRP having contact. My GC go to their Dad's twice a week.
The only thing that would worry me is your 14 year old having to go to hospital.

There's little risk from or to your 7 year old. Would it help if your 7 year old went alone?

If not send them both.

Original poster
Bingeslayer · 29/04/2020 15:40

Thank you all for responses,just being able to get it out has been a help.
Brought it up in family group chat asking did they think it would be ok as struggling,obviously my mum was all for it,one sibling in work so hasn't seen it yet her husband didn't respond and other siblings vetoed it so it's a no.
In an ideal world I'd be able to cope alone.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 29/04/2020 16:24

Its not up to anyone else but your mum to decide what She does to help her dd.
Really its no different from many other things that are allowed under the guidelines.
Ask your siblings what they are going to do if your mental health breaks down from the strain? Are they so damm perfect with their 2 parent households that they cant see past the nose on their faces?

HildaSnibbs · 29/04/2020 16:41

I would do this in your position OP. As others have said if you had to go into hospital for urgent medical treatment you would do it. I also wouldn't allow siblings to 'veto' it - if you are ok with it the decision, it is entirely your Mum's call to make. I would not allow my kids to try to "veto" anything I might decide to do to help one of them out in a situation like this.

Umnoway · 29/04/2020 16:42

Some separated parents are still seeing their children so mixing households, I don’t really see how this is much different.

Cantata · 29/04/2020 16:44

I would do it like a shot, OP.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 29/04/2020 16:48

Usually I would be saying no but in these circumstances you need to do it
I’m not sure if everyone is reading the same as me? Op has considered killing her own child she has been so low?
Get the children to your mothers and ring the gp for advice.

oblada · 29/04/2020 17:02

Your siblings are awful OP!!
I was v unimpressed when my brother moved in with my parents at the start of lock down with his wife and kid. Because they were bored on their own. That is selfish and stupid. None of them have got special needs but my parents are near 70 and the risk seemed senseless. There was no need for it.
For you however I can see that there is a real need and I would support you.

hesgotit · 29/04/2020 17:15

Apologies to you OP, I posted without reading your update on the severity of your MH issues.

In the circumstances it is a good idea to let the children have a sleepover. Perhaps have an actual talk with your brother, messages don't always get the situation across.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2020 17:18

I’m really upset for you after reading your update. As your sibling has veto’d your mum looking after your dcs, are they going to step up and take them for you for a while?? I bet not.

And I bet they’d also be at the back of the queue for helping out if god forbid you did end up taking your life and leaving your dependant dcs needing care.

I also don’t understand why both you and they they think they have a say in an arrangement between you and your mother. That you think they do makes me wonder if they are overbearing or bully you. A normal sibling would understand your need and appreciate that your mother is the co-parent in this situation.

All this to say, your siblings are not your boss. Your mum is not a child and has the right to make her own choices. As a vulnerable person, if you need help, please don’t let people, who don’t have your best interest or your children’s best interest influence you and let your mum take care of your children for a while if you really cannot cope. Flowers

RandomMess · 29/04/2020 17:22

Could your Mum move in with you after self isolating?