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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids going for sleepover at grans

130 replies

Bingeslayer · 29/04/2020 12:52

Right,first off I'd like to say that we have been following the guidelines to the letter since this all began.None of us have shown any symptoms and have had no reports in the locality of anyone having had it either.

I'm a single mum with 2 dds aged 14 and 7,dd14 has asd and dd7 has seperation anxiety,both have spd dd7 is especially full on,I have pdd and social anxiety,have been coping pretty well the last 5 weeks but am really really struggling this week.Havent mentioned this to my mum as haven't wanted to worry her as with lockdown not much can be done,but I think she can tell from talking to each other,facetiming etc.

She rang earlier and offered to have the children overnight,obviously i said no not worth the risk,but she pointed out how low the risk would be,she lives alone,only leaves for essentials and has also been symptom free.I reiterated no because I wouldn't want to put her at risk but I could really do with the mental break.weighing the pros and cons I think it would be safe enough,my only worry now is I don't think my siblings would agree and it would cause uproar in the family.
Don't know why I'm posting to be honest as if posters agreed it would be o.k I'd still have the sibling issues and not sure i could convince them I'm not being selfish,which I am a bit I know but the children are suffering too especially dd7 as I havent had energy to play for days so she stuck on devices and screens and I know my mum would do activities with her.

OP posts:
Cheekychops73 · 29/04/2020 22:57

Hi OP I am sorry you are struggling just now and you are yourself with the kids. I know you are saying your siblings are against you going but as you and your mum are both adults & both believe that this is something that would help all your mental health I would be taking them to hers. Mental Health amongst other health issues are being pushed aside from some people’s minds at the moment as they are too busy peddling the old if you step out of your door the virus will wipe out your county shite & that we should just solely concentrate on the covid situation & never mind the poor fuckers that need other treatment/help etc. I have a brother who has severe mental health issues and if he needed me I would be there in a shot regardless of my siblings views ( though they would be there too) . You have been following the guidance you are assessing the risk as has your mum. Go and let her help because if my sons or brothers felt they couldn’t seek help from me in this situation to the detriment to their mental health I would be dreadfully upset & my mental health would suffer as a result. ❤️

squaresandsquares · 29/04/2020 22:57

I think you should take up the offer. Being a single mum is a head fcuk.

Menmy3 · 29/04/2020 22:59

I’m sorry you’re struggling but I’d be livid if my brother took the kids to our mum even if she said ok. Will your siblings help you? X x x

Cheekychops73 · 29/04/2020 22:59

@Bingeslayer you are not a burden and you are not useless. It’s a shitty situation at the moment & even with support people are struggling so don’t be hard on yourself. Just say fuck them to your siblings and do it. It sounds like your mum has got your back Take care Xxx

Original poster
Bingeslayer · 29/04/2020 23:08

Thank you @Cheekychops73 x

OP posts:
DamnYankee · 29/04/2020 23:15

I agree with TakemedowntoPotatoCity

Sometimes you have to do a risk-benefit analysis. Preserving your mental health needs to be factored into the situation. If you've had suicidal thoughts in the past, that's big red flag.
Doesn't sound too different than what co-parents must do
Maybe while the kids are away, you can also contact your GP/MH provider. It would be easier to be frank about your feelings without them around.

Daisy169 · 29/04/2020 23:16

@bingeslayer You are not a burden, you are their family. It's not "easy" or "simple" for some people and I think those saying it is come from a very privileged position.

My nephew is still visiting with my MiL every day and staying over weekly. Both nephew and SiL have mental health issues and have attempted suicide in the past. Without the support of my MiL, I'm not sure either of them would get through this (SiL is a single parent). MiL is a grown woman and my DH respects her decision as hers, it's not for him as a son to tell his mum what to do and if he did, there's a real risk that his sister or nephew would die.

DamnYankee · 29/04/2020 23:22

@Bingeslayer

You are not useless. Remember depression, like anxiety, lies.

Fight back against those lies. Every time you have those dark thoughts about your incompetence, etc., treat them like the untruths they are. Counter with silent "F*ck you!" or even just "That's not true."

And if you're willing to consider meds, even temporarily, it might be wise, particularly given your history. This may be a long haul and you need every tool you can have on hand!

Daffodil
Chockablok · 29/04/2020 23:27

Just want to echo everything CheekyChops has said.

I really hope your sister is able to help you op.

This thread has really opened my eyes to how far we have sunk as a society. The rules are not always about minimising the spread of the virus. Exceptions have been made for things like allowing people to earn a living, allowing children to move between homes, allowing you to temporarily stay with a friend or relative if an argument has occurred etc.

There clearly has been thought given to mental health and emotional wellbeing, otherwise those exceptions would not exist.

What you are proposing to me 100% falls within the spirit of the rules.

Nottherealslimshady · 29/04/2020 23:30

If your mum got it, even if you dont know its from you. She could catch it from the supermarket the day after having the kids. Would you ever forgive yourself. Would your siblings ever forgive you? Its really not worth the risk imo

NurseJaques · 29/04/2020 23:38

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time Flowers

I think it would be OK to take children to your mums but sounds like any benefits to your MH will be outweighed by your siblings reaction... Hopefully they will help you out? Thats not being a burden, it's what families are for! xx

Mulhollandmagoo · 30/04/2020 00:06

Could you not all strictly isolate and move in together so you have someone on hand to help you out?

Also, you and your mum both need to stop being at the mercy of your siblings, they sound oddly spoiled and a tad controlling! I'm concerned that what should have been a decision made by two adults has turned into a family debate and has been decided unilaterally by someone who is essentially not involved, does this happen often?

Also, you're not a burden or a bad mum, you're a mum who is desperately trying her best in a really naff situation with no help at all ❤️

Original poster
Bingeslayer · 30/04/2020 00:30

@DamnYankee yes I am on meds,currently on duloxetine,my 6th type as others haven't helped long term,only been on these a month so haven't had time to properly settle in my system and started on half dose as had severe side effects to last tablets.Also on propranolol for the anxiety.
Between that and the lockdown it's just put me close to crisis point.
Yes my one sibling does tend to take the head of the family role and if she isn't happy with something it doesn't happen.

OP posts:
Notverybright · 30/04/2020 00:50

Poor you op. Hope your sister will help you out. If she doesn't I would take up your mum's offer. You are not a burden, you are coping with circumstances that you could never have dreamed of. You are trying to do the best for your children. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you need help. Flowers

Notverybright · 30/04/2020 01:10

Nottherealslimshady can you not encourage catastrophic thinking in someone with mental health problems, please?

VeganCow · 30/04/2020 09:31

I wouldnt judge you for this, you are allowed to co parent between homes and you are a sigle mum, which I am. Mine are grown up now but I was only saying the other day that if this happened when mine were small, it would have been hell.

Hoggleludo · 30/04/2020 09:45

@Chockablok

Would you please stop tagging me in every single thread.

Your stalking me now. Ridiculously.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/04/2020 10:43

I can see why family are concerned, given your mums age and being a smoker. Does she have any health issues?

The self isolating fully for 14 days then moving in together would seem the safest option with just one person shopping if you really can’t do it online.

Original poster
Bingeslayer · 30/04/2020 11:36

My brother in law has just collected the children,my sister is in work today(Bil has been furloughed for 5 weeks)but has day off tomorrow so they are going to keep them hopefully until Saturday morning.
I did apologise because she has a very busy job and has MH issues herself plus 15yr old ds.
Seems strange that she's the baby sister and always looking after me,last 2 breakdowns I had my mum took the kids for a fortnight and I stayed with ds,bil and nephew so as not to be sectioned.My poor bill will be on the sofa for a few nights to accommodate the kids.
Feel relief now I'm not responsible for the kids for few days but anxiety is ramped up by risk of mingling houses.
I'm gonna take some sleep meds and just sleep lots while they are away I hope.
Thank you all who have been so supportive and kind xxx

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 30/04/2020 12:00

Bingeslayer

Great. I am so glad your family have stepped up and helped you. Just be careful with those sleep meds. Maybe you can find something to do just for you while the kids are away? Pamper yourself, a nice walk without having to worry about the kids with you? Catch up on tv or reading?

Dont worry about the kids going, you are all important and need that support despite what else is going on in the world.

Take care.

BogRollBOGOF · 30/04/2020 12:08

I'm glad that your family is supporting now.

Right now your mental health is a greater threat than Covid 19 and it is good that you are now getting some respite from a difficult situation. The goverment recognises that Covid 19 is not the only threat to wellbeing and life.

I hope a few days to yourself helps with the reset button a bit Flowers

Don't feel guilty Smile

nothingcomestonothing · 30/04/2020 16:51

So glad to see this, I hope you have a decent break. Please try not to fixate on it being inconvenient - bil will be fine on the sofa, he's furloughed so it's not like he's got to get up for work! And don't worry about mixing households, your DC will come into contact with Dbil (who is furloughed so presumably stays in the house), DN (ditto) and your DSis - that's less people than my DC mix with every day at keyworker school!

You've done the right thing, you are vulnerable and have a need for support, which is completely within the guidelines - and even if it wasn't, I'd urge you to do it anyway, there are more risks in the world than covid. Flowers for you.

Ridiculousradish · 30/04/2020 17:01

You are not a burden, and you are not a useless Mum. Please take your Mum up on her offer. Let her help you. If my DS wasn't able to go to his Dad's for 2 nights a week I'd go fucking mental, and would absolutely send him to my Mum's. Being a single parent is hard enough. Please cut yourself some slack Flowers

Ridiculousradish · 30/04/2020 17:02

So pleased to read you are getting a little break. How was your day?

RandomMess · 30/04/2020 17:25

That's great that you have a supportive sister and BIL, they get it because they are parents!

I have previously been on duloxetine, it's a very "addictive" one. Both starting it and weaning off it was difficult. Whilst on it even being a couple of hours late with a dose could give the same side affects - brain zaps, feeling spaced and just "empty".

Be kind to yourself Thanks