CoVid teens, feeling very worried about mine.

[Biscuit0110]

My usually vibrant, positive sociable 15 year old dd started the lockdown full of plans and chatting to her friends every single day, often for a few hours. She worked hard academically, worked out and quite enjoyed the new experience. We are now going into week eight on Friday and I am very worried to see a massive decline at every level.

I am most worried about the lack of conversation that is happening now between all of her friends, everyone seems to have stopped talking.
It seems she has just stopped communicating, and I wonder if anyone else has noticed this? What went from house parties, face timing and laughter seems to have died back to nothing. I asked her why she doesn't want to speak or message her friends anymore, she has some very close and lovely friends - but she said there is literally nothing to say anymore.
No one wants to talk, including her.

The odd photo that has popped up has shown friends shaving their hair, sitting in hoodies with faces hidden etc, often in darkness. This is not normally the case at all. It seems they are all becoming distressed in some levels, you can see it even in the photos. Some of her friends that do have MH issues are understandably struggling very badly. My dd has never ever had any MH worries, and is usually very upbeat.

I can't find any other threads that are covering this issue, so maybe it is just us and our groups of friends that are struggling, but if this is more widespread, then it is a very worrying development.

I didn't expect her to spend hours chatting and laughing as she normally would, I didn't expect her to have the same enthusiasm for her studies, but she seems to have lost all energy. I have never seen her like this. I feel helpless, and don't know how to support her. She just needs to see her friends and have some kind of normal again, and it is the only thing I can't do for her.

Can you tell me how your teens are faring? Are you children still communicating often with friends?

I can't even contemplate how this is going to play out for them if the lockdown is extended. I am actually very concerned now, even more than before about the damage this is doing to our children.

To be fair they aren't yet teens. And I do have 4 of them. So they entertain each other. This isn't forever. I think it might benefit the teens and teach them a bit of resilience. Kids this day and age in general havent really known much hardship other than perhaps not being able to buy branded things or electronics etc. This might put things into perspective for some. Or others not. But hinting at them being depressed is just going to reinforce it. You need to set an example. Use the opportunity to spend more time with each other.

OP

She’s not been out for 8 weeks? That’s appalling. Many of us are losing it after 5.

I’m not talking to anyone IRL. there’s nothing to say and I’m terrified of the future and £ etc so I just start crying.

You need to write to no 10, local MP, maybe flag it with GP.

DD1 is 15 and in Y10 too. It's a really uncertain time for everyone but it does feel as though the Y10 - Y13 age group has had its wings particularly severely clipped whether they are the Y11s who've had the rug pulled from under them, feel unsure about their grades and what that means for their post 16 options, the Y10s who have just seen that happen, are completely aware of everyone's desire to get primary children back to school so parents can work and feel as though their GCSEs are no-one's priority. The Y12s and 13s have a similar thing going on with the worry of not knowing about post 18 offers, applications or if this whole situation will scupper it one way or another. I think it's ok for them to feel fed up, like there's little point in getting on with things or interacting because it's all so samey, and very little of what anyone is doing right now will lead to certainty.

My DD is doing ok at the moment, thanks in the main to her school maintaining the structure of the day e.g. same timetable and work is set for each lesson as scheduled, teacher is available during the school day via the platform for queries but crucially, little snippets of encouragement and interaction. At the weekend her main Saturday activity went online so although it was weird and not as much fun as in real life, she got to interact with people that aren't us for a good few hours. It may not have been the most natural conversation via Zoom etc but it offered a shared experience which is a big part of what's missing right now. One evening, she and a group of non-school friends scheduled a fancy dress Zoom meeting - it was a bit stilted at first but it somehow ended up being a quiz and went on for hours. There was a lot of loud laughter which was lovely to hear and a repeat has been booked in apparently. My feeling is that the first meeting has kick-started the group of them into realising it's fun to hang out together and now they've done it, they've got that in common to chat about. She's not doing much chatting with school friends but there seems to be a lot of meme or video clip sharing amongst them. Now they're back into school work there's also been the regular 'OMW that English essay was awful!' type messaging which isn't exactly social but is a connection at least. Do you live near any of DD's friends? Over Easter one of my DD's schoolfriends came past our house on a 'run' as part of her exercise. It was prearranged so DD sat in the front garden on the recycling dustbin whilst her friend stood between some parked cars. They chatted for a good long while, obviously nothing too juicy but it sustained them both and meant they had some real life contact. Could something like that maybe happen for your DD?

My Y6 DC opted out of the Easter homework which was to write a daily diary. Scathing doesn't begin to describe the response, "Well that'll be an interesting diary won't it? Today I got up and did absolutely nothing. Just like yesterday. And tomorrow. Because we can't do any fun stuff. What's the point of that?". I suppose your DD's explanation of why she's not chatting with friends is similar. And probably reasonably accurate too.

@Biscuit0110 has anyone from your DD's school phoned her? The form tutors at DD's have phoned them all (much to her horror!) to see how they're finding things. I doubt they're getting many chatty teenagers but I suppose it's a reminder that the world is still out there. Talking of which, I'm anticipating lots of very anxious teenagers when they're allowed back to school. I expect our Y10s will be the first back, quite possibly before most other places are back to work. There will be no hiding their function as guinea pigs which might be a hard pill to swallow, especially when being taught in half empty classrooms, possibly wearing masks and still with that cloud of uncertainty looming over them. Lots of teenagers develop social anxiety to a degree and I think it would be reasonable for significant numbers of them to feelbanxious about being conscripted as the crash test dummies for lifting lockdown.

“ My Y6 DC opted out of the Easter homework which was to write a daily diary”

That’s some spectacularly stupid homework. I’m not someone who slags off teachers btw.

My introverted older teen is very happy and has organised us all into a routine. Outgoing 17 YO is keeping busy with cooking, baking, sewing, painting and creative writing. Neither are much in contact with friends. I think they're both doing well. Routine and creativity that they can get absorbed in seems to help.

@LilacTree1 I think it was because they'd been looking at the Diary of Anne Frank but even still, it wasn't the most inspired idea! Homework has always been optional at her school...I don't know anyone who opted to do that one.

@sessell I think that being an introvert is helpful for this, and in fact i have realised - for the first time - that my dc and i are most definitely naturally very introverted! I actually feel less stressed day to day than I usually do and dc are just normal other than the occasional worry about the virus. Though I still want it to end very much - being able to socialise and travel is the pay off re the stress. But I think after this is over I will factor in more down time too.

My 6 year has withdrawn too. I suppose it makes sense. His world is now a lot smaller - just our close family unit. He had just begun to gain greater independence and it is pretty awful to see the regression in some ways, Digital ways of trying to keep in touch are limited as he and his friends don't have the skills to talk and listen to each other remotely - they just end up shouting! When we have seen his friends out and about on our walks they all follow social distancing rules but don't actually talk to each other. I don't think they know what to do and don't want to talk in front of their parent. If I think about it its heartbreaking really.

I was already very worried about Brexit. Having the virus plus a no deal or very hard Brexit is extremely grim.

@Punxsutawney - sorry to hear that. There wasn't any structure support round us post-dx either, but at least the dx process was supportive (ds was there and they explained everything really helpfully and clearly) - but yeah, still a bit 'here's some resources, good luck!'

We did this course -www.cpft.nhs.uk/Documents/Miscellaneous/Cygnet%20programme%20information1.pdf - which was FAB and led by a really experienced couple of SEN teachers (both had been heads of schools for autistic kids) - I thought I sort of understood autism before, but it was invaluable in helping me support ds better and loads and loads of practical support for the challenges we were all facing in real time. Each place comes with a slot for a member of the school teaching staff. School have to pay for the time, so not everyone had someone from the school on-board. but we were lucky to have a TA with an interest who joined us - she wasn't 'officially' supporting ds, it meant that she suddenly started to look out for things that he might find hard, and was proactive about managing them. We were lucky that she was motivated and engaged, but even without her, the stuff I learnt was invaluable.

Fingers crossed that things settle for your ds soon - but yeah, mine is so much happier and more settled not having to navigate school, it's kind of weird to realise how much he copes with on a day-to-day basis, and how much happier he'd be if he didn't have to :-(

That link is for Peterborough but it's a national scheme - we did ours in Surrey

Andwhen, thanks will have a look at that. I have a feeling our local camhs run a parenting course for those with newly diagnosed young people but we are not allowed to access it as Ds was diagnosed by a paediatrician at the Child Development Centre. Camhs refuse to see Ds as they have said his mental health difficulties are just part of ASD and therefore doesn't meet the threshold for support. The TA sounds great, unfortunately Ds's school would not entertain the idea of paying any money for anything. Without going into huge detail we have found things difficult with them at times and we had to pay for some support in school (state school).

Yes it's amazing how much stress and anxiety school can cause for our autistic young people. Ds is massively rigid in his behaviour at home and we have some other ongoing issues still, but the huge school anxiety is not there anymore.

:-( It sounds like your experience has been shit all round - I'm so sorry. It makes such a difference to feel that someone has your back - even just a little bit - and it sounds like that's not where you are. I'm not surprised you are looking at an alternative school.

NB DS also loves headspace - which is a mindfulness app which is free if you are a member of anxiety uk. Would your ds entertain that do you think? Our school did various mindfulness interventions with ds, including art therapy ( a total game changer!), free yoga and 10 week mindfulness course which really helped soften him up for it, but ds will now choose to do his meditations regularly and I'm sure they really help him - I've seen him use techniques when he's getting stressed when out and about too in the past.

Sorry - I'm conscious it sounds like I'm trying to provide solutions, when probably all you really want is sympathy for how shit it is. You're right, it is, and I'm sorry your ds hasn't had the support he should have.

Op my very energetic, talkative climber/bouldering enthusiastic is now spending huge amounts of time in his room playing games on his phone. He does not want to go for exercise because going for a walk is boring every day. The lack of high energy exercise has left him flat. It's affecting his attitude and behaviour . If this continues beyond June we will be in a very difficult place

My young teen is doing ok but she is naturally an introvert like me and also has her older siblings at home for company. This has really helped. I think it would have been bleak if they'd both been away.

Op can your dd not meet friends for a bike ride or walk? No close contact obviously but just a chance to see each other and talk. Mental health is vital.

My children, girl aged 12 and son aged 15 communicate with friends through playing games, so not really chitchat so never run dry but my son plays PS4 and my DD plays minecraft on laptops and her friend video calls her so they play together and chat. It’s tough. My son was so motivated for his GCSE’s, now turned into a gaming nocturnal teen

My 12 year olds the same.
I'm trying to motivate her, but essentially, shes bored, tired, fed up, doesnt wanna go out, doesnt wanna stay in.
It's all rubbish and I'm hoping things get back to normal soon.

My 15-year-old has always been super easy-going. Very happy baby, child, etc.
Last week he put his head down on his laptop and wept.
Not because of friends, missing GF, etc.
Algebra lessons posted in a number of virtual places by a teacher who seems to be struggling herself. All the work he'd done on Khan Academy (not sure if UK schools use that?) was pretty much worthless. Wailed "I'm not good at anything!"
Broke my heart.
I insist on daily exercise.
Takeaway once a week. Very much looked forward to.
I've talked to a counselor about us all getting quieter/death of conversation. Answer=we've had no new experiences. It's Groundhog Day over and over (movie). Just being exhausted mentally (flight v. fight response = drained adrenals). It really is painful for them to take anymore new information at this time. They can't generate it, can't process it.
Glad you have counselling. Silly movie nights work well for us. "What About Bob?" comes to mind...

There are three things keeping us going here. The announcement to come on Sunday might give us some hope.

We are doing a four hour round trip to deliver groceries to grandparents, because they messed up their delivery and didn't check out [god help me] and so they are running out of food - so we will pack up some shopping and stand at the end of the drive and wave. I am hoping this will at least bring a change of scene even if we won't be able to visit them.

Comedies seem to be working! They were laughing non stop last night. That sounded good after the sullen silence

We are doing a photography project on what the area looks like in lockdown (dismal) but they seem to be into it. I might even get them to walk for a few miles.

I hope you are all doing okay. Tough times. We are over the worst. The last leg of the sprint is always the most painful and all that.. to all parents x

You are all such lovely parents. I teavh secondary and have young kids. I remember being a teacher. We relocated (country) as a family when I was 13 and I miss my friends desperately.
I worry fir the teens, as they already spent far too much time online and this will compound it.
But know that the teachers are on their side. And thisnis temporary. They will.go back to their normal, sociable selves. And most likely, your relationships will be the better for this experience.

That’s nice Poetry, thanks.

Your Y7 intake will be different this year.

My 15yr old is same. The chats seem to have gone. No one wants to chat. Morale has dropped.

Mine are the same, but I feel like that too. I spoke to a friend yesterday because she called me but I haven't called anyone else for ages. I feel okay though, I'm thinking of it as being in hibernation.

Thanks Andwhen. Ds is very resistant to much of what I offer him to try and help. I guess he has to work through his diagnosis and acceptance at his own pace. I am upset that his school offered so little and that camhs would not see him because he's autistic. I think appropriate intervention at the right time would have helped, it all feels like nothing will make a difference now. I have to say this whole lockdown is strange for us. So much of it is just normal for Ds, he has no friends to be with or places to go ever. The sad thing is when lockdown is over he will still be a terribly isolated young man, this is not temporary for him. I have real concerns trying to get him back to education too.

I agree with everything said, I have a 14 year old son and I’m working almost full time so I’m out most of the day. I’m also worried as he is entering his nat 5 year to the amount of teaching time he is missing as it’s not the same virtually! I have heard a few comments that they won’t sit exams next year but will be continual assessments.