CoVid teens, feeling very worried about mine.

[Biscuit0110]

My usually vibrant, positive sociable 15 year old dd started the lockdown full of plans and chatting to her friends every single day, often for a few hours. She worked hard academically, worked out and quite enjoyed the new experience. We are now going into week eight on Friday and I am very worried to see a massive decline at every level.

I am most worried about the lack of conversation that is happening now between all of her friends, everyone seems to have stopped talking.
It seems she has just stopped communicating, and I wonder if anyone else has noticed this? What went from house parties, face timing and laughter seems to have died back to nothing. I asked her why she doesn't want to speak or message her friends anymore, she has some very close and lovely friends - but she said there is literally nothing to say anymore.
No one wants to talk, including her.

The odd photo that has popped up has shown friends shaving their hair, sitting in hoodies with faces hidden etc, often in darkness. This is not normally the case at all. It seems they are all becoming distressed in some levels, you can see it even in the photos. Some of her friends that do have MH issues are understandably struggling very badly. My dd has never ever had any MH worries, and is usually very upbeat.

I can't find any other threads that are covering this issue, so maybe it is just us and our groups of friends that are struggling, but if this is more widespread, then it is a very worrying development.

I didn't expect her to spend hours chatting and laughing as she normally would, I didn't expect her to have the same enthusiasm for her studies, but she seems to have lost all energy. I have never seen her like this. I feel helpless, and don't know how to support her. She just needs to see her friends and have some kind of normal again, and it is the only thing I can't do for her.

Can you tell me how your teens are faring? Are you children still communicating often with friends?

I can't even contemplate how this is going to play out for them if the lockdown is extended. I am actually very concerned now, even more than before about the damage this is doing to our children.

[CrystalTipped]

I know it sounds a bit twee, but I watched a video last night on uplifting films and there were several I had forgotten or not heard of, so we looked several up on netflix and we're going to have a movie night every night for a week. (There's one called The Intouchables that looks really good, I'm going to get it on amazon next time I place an order.) We needed to shop anyway, so DP has gone out for nacho/popcorn/hot dog stuff and sweets, and it will give a fun focal point to the end of the day and something to talk about. That's my hope anyway...

Even I gave up on my routines the last two days, I may even have missed my meds yesterday afternoon which is unlike me. The rain yesterday affected DS a lot - he'd taken to sitting out in the garden with the cat and his console thing and he was a bit aimless yesterday.

Anyway, here's the video link, it's a top 10 but lots of other films listed too.

[Luckyme2]

My 15 year old DD has turned nocturnal. She is sleeping late and then doing school work all day, having a run or long walk in the evening and then her and her friends seem to come alive at 9pm and talk into the early hours! Whilst I am of course worried that this is not a healthy habit to get in to it's actually keeping her going and I'm loathe to stop it. Obviously once theyre back in school she's going to have a rude awakening and I will need to do some body clock prep work with her but until then I'm just happy hearing her chatting away to friends. Its so hard for them at the moment

[okiedokieme]

Dd1 likes own company, plays computer games, working on dissertation, boyfriend moved in = happy. Dd2 social butterfly, missing friends and boyfriend, still got uni lectures but struggling (as are friends) because nothing to talk about. We have agreed boyfriend is moving in at the weekend, it's better for them both

[Sarahandco]

I think all kids are suffering and I have been very surprised by my own children who have very different personalities and interests. One child who I thought would be the one to cope best has really suffered and the child who I thought would not cope at all, spent the first two weeks in her bedroom in a huge depression, but then suddenly rose like a phoenix and started gardening, sewing (cutting up old clothes), playing with a guitar that has been in the cupboard for two years, cooking and has generally made herself busy and seems pretty happy - mostly doing things that are not school work but... I used to worry she was on her phone far too much and was begging her to do any activity that didn't involve the phone or the internet. She too seems to have stopped talking to friends.

My other child who is quite academic and has always enjoyed being in his room on the computer, he plays games but also does other things such as learning to code and building stuff, but to my surprise, he is really struggling. It has been a real eye-opener and now realise I may have misunderstood my children.

Among my adult friends and family, the video calls have almost stopped and people are coping and struggling in different ways.

[AdoptedBumpkin]

It might well be the case that they don't have much to talk about, and maybe being stuck in most of the time makes everyone more inward looking.

[LockdownCwtches]

My year 10 is doing better than I expected - her younger sibling has special needs and dd usually spends a lot of time at my parent's house just down the road - it's somewhere she can escape from the madness at home - but obviously she can't go there at all now.
She is getting on with school work and spends a lot of time chatting with friends - I hear a lot of laughter from her room! She is missing her athletics training a lot but other than that she is doing remarkably well.

[Biscuit0110]

I am an ed psych working with looked after children and I am sick with anxiety, they are in a dreadful state

Can you tell us more about this? Love your name and thought it summed up most of our feelings perfectly fuckinghellthisshit

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

Whilst I am of course worried that this is not a healthy habit to get in to it's actually keeping her going and I'm loathe to stop it. Obviously once theyre back in school she's going to have a rude awakening and I will need to do some body clock prep work with her grin

She's practicing for university.

[Luckyme2]

YetAnotherSpartacus - you are right!

[MintyMabel]

Not teen, but the same has happened with my 11 year old.

[tenlittlecygnets]

I have a dd in Year 11. She is struggling now with not seeing friends BUT is being proactive and is spending hours every day talking to friends, on phone and Facetime. Her friends are getting pissed off and fed up but none are sitting in the dark shaving their hair - that sounds really worrying.

Make sure your dd gets fresh air every day, make sure she's doing something positive, whether school work or a Future Learn course or even taking charge of cooking so she's learning a life skill. And talk to her - make sure you keep communication channels open so she can tell you how she feels.

[AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore]

@Punxsutawney: sorry to hear that :-( Does your ds have any friends at the potential new school who will support him?

DS has been super lucky in that - after some VERY tough initial years at secondary (he didn't get his dx until Y9) he has been lucky enough to settle into an amazing gang - where about half of them are ASC/ADHD and so the tolerance of 'difference' is high, they are all happy to be total geeks, and they have at least a support team against the worst of the external teenage meanness (which has certainly gone on). So I have the opposite and am worrying that some of those guys will be gone next year leaving him more vulnerable. We can't win can we!?

I really, really hope that your ds finds his 'tribe' too in sixth form: I absolutely adore ds's gang and it really has been transformative for his happiness and sense of self-worth.

[Punxsutawney]

Andwhen ds doesn't have any friends at his present school or the prospective one. He only got his diagnosis in September last year, so year 11 has been particularly difficult already. He's in denial about the whole thing too. I would love him to find his tribe but he has nobody at school at the moment. It gives me hope though when I hear about autistic teens like your Ds who has found his people! Ds was going to a great ASD youth group but he couldn't cope with it and stopped going at the start of the year. At the moment I see his isolation continuing long after lockdown is over.

[LaneBoy]

Easter holidays were a scarily low point for my 12yo, she was also on her regular melatonin break so wasn’t sleeping either, she was getting really anxious too. Slightly better now she’s back in something of a school routine. She often FaceTimes her friends while supposedly doing work - it’s tricky as she’s obviously less productive that way!

Luckily she shares a major interest (K-pop) with many of her friends so that’s helping as there seems to be no end of things to discuss (always new YouTube videos etc coming out even now it seems?!) and we’ve not had the nothing to talk about issue come up yet but I think it would have otherwise.

She is bonding better again with her younger siblings and she does often cheer up when we go for a walk, but I’m definitely worried more than usual about her mental health. We are being quite strict about making sure she gets outside and exercises even a little a day, and making her do a few things away from her phone etc otherwise she would just sit watching YouTube all day and it’s like I can see her mood drop by the second.

I’ve been quite honest about mental health lately anyway, before this, and have basically told her how I ended up agoraphobic in mid teens and that we are making her do things like go on walks to try and protect her health a bit. It’s so hard when my own motivation dips though.

[LaneBoy]

In fact even my support worker was saying earlier how she’s having to motivate her older teen and how exhausting it can be to have to keep doing that

[LindainLockdown]

YANBU my 2 teens are struggling and I want lockdown to end far more for them than I do for me, I am desperate for it to be relaxed (I know it will not end fully). They do communicate a bit on online games with friends but I think they are both starting to feel very low.

[Biscuit0110]

The posts have been really great on this thread, and thank you all for posting, and to all. I know that my teen is not the only one choosing to check out at this moment in time. I spoke to her about this earlier, and she said she doesn't want to be boring and endlessly repeat the same conversations, she is there to listen to her friends having a rant about their annoying parents (I am sure I am one of them) and will message when she has something new to say. At least she seems to be chilled I suppose, it could be much worse.

If I am honest my energy levels have depleted as the weeks have dragged on, and the heavy lifting of keeping a teen occupied, proactive and in a good place is really really draining. How I wish for a small child where we can bring out a bowl of water to play with, and some paints, and enjoy an afternoon together.
My dh is working 12 hours a day to keep his job, and seems to find parenting teens even more tiring than me. We are both too old and way too tired to be fun parents
I just want to lie in my bed in a darkened room and watch a box set and eat chocolate and not speak to anyone for 24 hours!!! And not surface for at least a day or so, but instead I am modelling a good example, with as much energy as I can muster, and doing so called productive work. I am actually sick of being a good example. So teens aside, this is wearing bloody thin for all of us to say the least.

[Uygop]

My 15 year old DD is talking less to friends too, and is sometimes a bit down and grumpy. But I'm not too worried about her. I'm working online, and she enjoys having time to herself. She's getting up at 5.30 in the morning and doing lots of educational and worthy things - she's watching documentaries, doing school work, reading books, spending a lot of time on the 3 languages she's learning (in and out of school), doing housework and cooking, painting the fence in the garden, playing her 2 instruments (she's bad at both of them, but has fun). She sometimes comes out for walks, but sometimes prefers to stay at home. We've found a TV series she loves and watch it together every night. We're watching the National Theatre Twelfth Night at the moment, a bit at a time. Frankenstein is on next, with Benedict Cumberbatch, which should be great for teenagers.
One tip I'd share is that she's having language lessons online. She was doing that before lockdown, but is now having 2 or 3 lessons a week. Regularly talking to adults who are not her mother,, and having homework to do for them, is making a big difference I think. I really recommend it. For me, I've arranged a French conversation exchange online. We talk on Skype once a week. Talking to someone new and from a different country makes the conversation a lot more interesting. And gardening in our small garden, plus the allotment, helps too.

[AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore]

@Punxsutawney: That's so tough: if you want to chat off board do feel free to pm me as a fellow late dx-er. Have you managed to get on a cygnet course or anything like that? It SO helped me get my head round things. I am so, so appreciative of ds's luck - esp as it means I have a ready-made group of mums who also 'get it' (& work to keep the gang together/bonded as we ALL know they need it even when they don't!) Your ds may have different interests, but coding, board games and dungeons and dragons clubs have been brilliant for finding the 'tribe' for ds: would that help your ds?

[Punxsutawney]

Thanks andwhen that's kind of you. The community paed couldn't help at all. She didn't even invite Ds to the diagnosis appointment. She gave us the diagnosis and then a handout and said there was no support or follow-up available. I told her Ds was not coping well at all but she said there was nothing she could do. He has had some quite significant mental health difficulties so gp did a Camhs referral end of last year. They said he didn't meet criteria for support (they really don't like seeing autistic young people in our area) so nothing they could do either. School has been one long battle for very little support. We have found a monthly parents only group that we will return to when it's up and running again. Ds is not keen on engaging with much at the moment.

He is though probably more settled in lockdown now he has a rigid home routine than he has been for some time. So we will plod along like this for now until he has to face the real world and it all its anxieties again!

[DennyKingsland]

It's heartbreaking for all of our teens, isn't it? I wonder if it might make us all think how we use our spare time long-term though -- it's a bit chicken-and-egg, but the ones who seem to be doing better (both teens and adults) are doing less time on phones and directionless YouTubeing (which I'm guilty of) and more 'old-fashioned' entertainments, like reading books and making things with their hands/gardening/making costumes/cooking. Teens absolutely need to pull away from the family unit and make strong friend relationships, but the idea that they should be mainly away from home-life for their developmental benefit is quite a recent one, isn't it? Until the middle of the 20th century, families would be the major focus until much later in life (although admittedly they'd also be out working, etc, and not trapped 23 hours a day in the same house).

And it's good to absorb yourself in something escapist when it's really needed, but speaking from frustrating experience, keeping near-nocturnal hours, staying on a screen for hours and never going for a walk/run (if you're medically able) is a pretty solid recipe for how to develop mental health problems, even if you had great mental health to start with.

I know it's hard, and heartbreaking, but we can also learn from countless previous generations of teens who have been uprooted and left with uncertain futures because of huge global events and disasters, and try wherever it's at all possible to begin to think about what we can do right now, rather than what we can't. That's not a "think of how much worse you could have it" message, but a reminder of how resilient we are as humans if we can be pointed in the right direction.

But my thoughts are with every child and parent struggling xx

[12stepCAKE]

Mine are fine. Not really any different to the summer holidays. We don't go to loads of places and entertain ourselves at home as much as possible. Always have down as did me and DH as kids....

It's a bit boring at the moment but life is quite good compared to some people and countries. This is actually a good opportunity for them to learn to entertain themselves. Start reading, learn a hobby. Not everything is chatting to friends

[Spinakker]

I don't have a teen I only have children aged 7 and under. But I know for me what's helping me is watching inspiring people on YouTube who are in my situation. Like stay at home mum home school vlogs or watching homeschoolers to give me inspiration. Could you find some inspiring teens on YouTube who are in lockdown and watch their videos together? It might give her some inspiration. I think don't focus on her friends and the outside world as the source of contentment. All we've really got through this are our immediate family members so you need to find a way of making a new role as a friend for her. I don't mean always asking how she's feeling but maybe let her do some fun things which are out of the ordinary like cut your hair or give you a makeover. Think of ways you can enjoy your home life more. Maybe teach her some cooking and life skills and emphasise to her that this lockdown period is only temporary and that you may as well make the most of this time but learning some new skills etc. I think this is a better approach than focusing on conversations with friends she can't see which will probably just make her long for her school life again. Focus on a positive fun home environment as much as you can and get creative x

[Biscuit0110]

12step do you teens not see anyone at all during the school holidays apart from you and dh? I don't think that is everyone's experience. You must be glad you had so much practice now

[Biscuit0110]

spins we are very close, and she definitely considers me to be someone she has fun with, chats to, we cook most nights and have made some lovely crafts together, I guess anyone would be bored of the same person day after day for months on end. She wants to be with her people, girls of her own age. I can replace many things, but I can not replace her actual friends.