Intrusive In-laws

[babygirlmama1]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable!

Me and my OH had a baby girl 8 weeks ago and becuase of the coronavirus his parents haven't seen her since she was 2 weeks! I completely understand that it's a shit situation but they FaceTime us to see the baby every single night! I'm beginning to get really annoyed with the constant FaceTiming but my OH gets really angry and defensive when I ask if we can have a few nights out!!

I get that they wants to see their first grandchild but every time they FaceTime they always make little judgmental comments about me and my parenting skills e.g oh the baby looks too cold, oh I wouldn't do that , oh hold her better , oh make sure she doesn't fall! And worst... last week I was having a down day and they text my OH after the call and said I looked really down and he should keep an eye on me becuase I might not look after the baby properly!! I know I'm a good mum and love my DD unconditionally so I would never do anything but look after and love her! I come off the call crying every night becuase i feel like I'm being judged!!

When I bring it up to my OH he's very dismissive and claim I have a problem with his family and I should get over it!

I have never really got on with them as I was bullied by my OH sister for 3 years and his parents took her side which lead me to have a breakdown 5 years ago! So I'm always a little on edge when I have to see them or speak to them!

The day I had our DD within 2 hours of her being born my OH had already invited them to the hospital to meet the baby when I asked him not too as I wanted to save the moment at becoming a first time parent and spend it bonding as a family! When they arrived I was still recovering from a painful and traumatic Labour and his mum took the baby out of my arms as soon as she walked in! They spoke and treated me so bad that the midwife has to usher them out and pretend that the visiting hours were over as she could see how horrible they were treating me! When I brought this up again my OH just dismissed it as excited grandparents

Am I being unreasonable in asking for some space to bond as a family of 3 and not speak to them on FaceTime every night?!

Not unreasonable at all. I'd start ignoring the facetime calls.

Your partner sounds like a wet wick too. He needs to back you up, not dismiss your feelings.

for starters, he should be taking the calls from his parents, not you. If you are in the middle of a feed when they call, decline, and tell him he can call them back with baby when you are done.

"Your partner sounds like a wet wick too. He needs to back you up, not dismiss your feelings."

Couldn't have put it better. And yes, he needs to be making the phone calls! You can only facetime a newborn baby for a few minutes, the rest of the chat he can talk to them himself.

Has he always put his parents' feelings and desires above yours, OP?

Difficult times, and it must be hard for in laws not seeing their new grandchild. For now, let your partner do the facetime calls at a prearranged time that is convenient for YOU.
You use that as free time for a relaxing bath/nap/walk/whatever.

But agree with PP that long term, he need to get your back more

Agree with the others, your husband can do the facetime calls if he wants them so much. You could go & have a meal or a shower in peace while he does it.

Moving forward he needs to have your back & not let them get away with bullying you.

So his family have treated you like shit for years and he has never once had your back?

Why the fuck are you still with someone who will stand back and watch you be treated like this?

He will not change. To coin that famous MN phrase you do dont have an In Law problem, but a "D"P problem. He will always back them over you, ALWAYS and he will allow the alienation of you from your own child by them.

Think about that and whether this is the kind of environment you want you child to grow up in.

Your partner should have your back and be looking after you during this time and respecting your feelings. It's not like you're saying you never want them to FaceTime, you've only asked for it be less frequent! He should be compromising with you.
Judgemental in-laws are the worst, my MIL is the same, i ignore it now though because quite frankly my partner tells me horrible stories about his childhood so she has some nerve judging anything I do. She told me I was spoiling my baby when she was 3 weeks old, like wtf.
Anyway, I digress.
In summary, your partner is being a bit of a prick.

Tell them to fuck off with their ‘make sure she doesn’t fall’ comments.

Why are you with this shit man? Who didn’t even have the decency to regard your wishes after seeing you give birth to his child. Even spectacularly abusive ex was nice to me for a while after seeing me give birth to his child he was so shocked at the pain I’d gone through.

Do you have close friends and family? You need to tell people in real life what you are going through.

For now stop being nice about face timing in laws. Don’t be there, get up and go off to feed the baby do whatever you want. Your P does.

Just let your OH FaceTime with them. Go and take a rest.

Your partner needs to stand up for you. This has to stop.

Sit him down and explain he needs to be on your side. The nasty, judgmental comments need to stop. The next time his mum makes a comment he needs to firmly tell her to stop. Now is the time to establish boundaries.

FaceTime calls don’t need to be every single night, and you don’t need to participate in every call.

For those calls you are part of, each and every time she says something mean reply, lovely to talk to you, smile, stand up and walk away. She will soon learn cause and effect.

if you are on any future facetime calls, make it perfectly clear that MIL is out of order with any intrusive/sarky comments, and terminate the call immediately.

Surely you don't have to 'answer' if they want to facetime? I get the sound of a bell ringing but it's my choice whether or not to engage at that time. Of course I'm not in your position but if I was, I would give myself a few nights off sometimes. You can always make an excuse for not 'picking up' next time.

I don't suppose they mean any harm, some people have no filters but if neither you nor your husband are prepared to speak plainly to them, best to avoid sometimes.

At least they cant doorstep you... just you wait till lockdown is lifted

There is no way you should agree to set something up, which happens every night. This will translate to at least twice weekly visits after lock down, which will be tiring, boring, intrusive and your dc may learn to hate it as they grow older. Don’t let yourself be bullied into it. For me his current attitude would be a deal breaker. How often did he see his GPS incidentally?

Your partner can take the calls if he wants them.

And I get it about the constant criticism, my MIL is a right one for this, so much so that she made me cry several times. My partner tells her off every time she starts, she apologises and then a few days later, it starts again.

I know she means well and it is also a cultural difference so I try to handle it with grace because no one is perfect and she is trying. But your partner absolutely needs to have a word.

"This will translate to at least twice weekly visits after lock down, which will be tiring, boring, intrusive and your dc may learn to hate it as they grow older."

They might, or they might love it. We saw my grandma three or tour times a week and it was great for us.

Not every relationship outside the nuclear family has to be negative.

(Talking strictly about the child here and not OPs feelings.)

He needs to learn some respect for the mother of his child not JUST his parents. I wouldnt like the way he talks as though your a separate entity to his family. Surely you've done enough to reserve respect as be classed as "one of the family"

Type, deserve respect

Thanks!! I knew I was in the right to be annoyed but when someone's (OH) is constantly telling me I'm over reacting I get paranoid!

I've tried walking out the room and having 10 mins to myself but my OH will call me back when the baby is crying and he can't deal with her! And then when I pick the baby up to try and leave the room it's oh my parents want to see her you can't take her away!!

They always call around her feeding time and I tell my OH not to put the camera on me as I'm breastfeeding and I don't want them to see my breast and I tell him to tell them to call back but he doesn't listen!

One time the MIL actually told me to stop feeding so she could see the baby!! I was so angry and and said no way and then she went on about how I was refusing to let her see her grandchild!!! The baby always gets a bit upset when the phone is in her face for so long so gets a bit aggravated and that leads to them asking what I've done to make her like that!!

They live about an hour away which I'm relieved about but they have been discussing moving up to where we live a couple times which my OH is encouraging but I don't know how I will cope if they are close by becuase I know they will be around all the time!!

I'm actually dreading the lockdown being lifted and they come up all the time!! Because I know they will come unannounced And not when it suits me or the baby!!

We actually had my mum stay with me for 2 weeks as the baby was poorly and I need some help and the MIL kicked off about how we're picking sides etc! My mum had been self isolating for 3 weeks and the MIL is still working in a bank so I had no concerns with my mum coming plus I needed the help as I was so sleep deprived - not that I need to explain why I wanted my mum to help!!

Sorry about venting!!

"I've tried walking out the room and having 10 mins to myself but my OH will call me back when the baby is crying"

You need to nip this in the bud. He needs to learn to comfort his own child.

Do not let yourself get dragged into this outdated crap that only women can care for babies, my husband grew up in a very patriarchal society and has taken care of everything to do with our baby from day one, crying, nappies feeding, burping.

If he can do it, so can your partner.

Disgusting partner / behaviour from your husband. Walk away with your baby if he’s shoving the camera in your boob. Hide in the loo if you must. Don’t be afraid of having arguments with him. He and his family do not get to decide what your boundaries are. She sounds pushy and he just wants an easy life. Mummy's boy.

In this situation OP I simply would not participate in frequent face time calls for the sake of my mental health.
As PP have said move away and do something else, put the baby to sleep, and make it plain to your H that you will be available only when you feel able and willing.
Give yourself time for your general condition to improve and feel more confident.
Their comments are abusive and controlling. Don’t allow them to do either
Start the way you mean to go on and tell them they are inappropriate.
Personally I wouldn’t be speaking to them at all, and would defend my space and dignity.
Would you consider going to counselling to. help you deal with them, because I cannot see them improving any time soon.
Best wishes to you, enjoy you little one.

Your partner sounds like a complete dickhead, and you REALLY need to stand up for yourself. Don't accept it when he's dismissive of your feelings He seems to have absolutely no respect for your feelings. I would explain to him that you do not want anything to do with his parents face times calls. If the useless twat can't comfort the baby, take her out of the room no matter what he says. Don't accept that you have to stay in the room because that's what he/his parents want.

I really think you are going to have to think long and hard about a future with this man. Imagine if his parents move up! It wouldn't be so bad if your partner had your back but he clearly doesn't and is being with his worth all this misery?

Get in the bath and feed her they cant facetime then. In all serious though, you really need to put your foot down, this could easily escalate to really seriously stressing you out and you could very well become depressed. I grew some big cahonas when I became a mum but i had to for my own sanity. They definitely dont need to see her every day. Especially when feeding. Tell him to figure out a time suitable around feeding and he can do the calls if hes that bothered.

Do they criticise him when he has hold of the baby?

Oh wow, I hope you're alright.
Your MIL sounds like a nightmare.

Mine was very similar when I had my first baby. Very OTT and intrusive. Made several comments on how I should do things differently, constantly turning up unannounced with her friends and generally acting like the baby was hers and as if I was some sort of carer! Nut jobs.

Anyway, I think you might just have to put your foot down with your partner. I would just be blunt and tell him you don't want to FaceTime every night. If he wants to do it on his own when you are not breastfeeding, then fine. I would also tell him if the baby cries then you will come and take the baby, let him throw a strop if he wants to. He will have to get over it.

Something I wish I'd done when my MIL kept criticising me was just to be honest. I wish I'd sent her a nice message just saying it's my first child, I feel a little insecure anyway and when you make Comments about how I look after the baby it really upsets me and makes me feel like I'm doing a crap job. Easier said than done but don't times I think they don't realise how they come across. A first grandchild tends to send people loopy in my experience!